Page 12 | Sexual assault - reported 'DH'

Flamingjunior · 2022-02-05T00:36:41+00:00

Need a handhold please - where do I go from here. Have posted before about DH sexually assaulting me whilst asleep - I've woken to it several times and once again tonight. I cannot take it anymore.... I am devastated that he's do this continually. I asked him to get out of the bed, he refused. I have moved to a spare room and reported online (called 101 but was on hold). I feel sick. Sick that he's done this again... sick that this will ruin his reaction ship with his DC but I cannot keep letting it happen. My DD thinks the world of him..... what do I do? How can I tear her world apart by taking her and moving out?

CanofCant · 07/02/2022 12:15

Oh OP, I agree with being careful. He won't like that you had the strength to go to the police. This is the most dangerous time for you. I urge you to not let him back to the house.

bluebell34567 · 07/02/2022 12:18

he shouldnt be in the same house with you op.
do your daughters know the situation? they saw the police talking your H?
he must be afraid you will tell his ex.
it must be very awkward at home.

TeenyQueen · 07/02/2022 12:50

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bluebell34567 · 07/02/2022 12:56

If your case proceeds to court, as it should, his defence will use this against you. They will say that you're lying about the rapes because you let him back into your home willingly.

thats an important point.

Itsalmostanaccessory · 07/02/2022 13:26

@TeenyQueen

Why let this rapist back into the house, the house where you both sleep? He can still be a father to his children even if he doesn't live with them and only sees your underage DD during supervised visits.

If your case proceeds to court, as it should, his defence will use this against you. They will say that you're lying about the rapes because you let him back into your home willingly. As other posters have said, what would you say to your DD if this was her? Would you encourage her to carry on living with her rapist? How do you know he won't assault your daughter too?

Get him out of the house ASAP, it won't stop him from being a father but it will stop him from carrying on abusing your family.

This isnt going to court.

Rape isnt prosecuted. It is hard to get a conviction even with evidence of violence. It will be impossible to get a conviction of marital rape, especially with him living back at home. CPS wont take this to trial.

If she had called women's aid, got out of the house or kicked him out then maybe they would have. As it stands, they wont take this to trial. Not unless he properly confessed under interview with a solicitor and even then.... maybe not.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 07/02/2022 15:49

Presumably he is back in the house because OP and the police are powerless to prevent him from being there. Please don't berate the OP for this. We have all been in difficult and dangerous situations as women, where we have not had total control, and being criticised and panicked by others will not help.

IncompleteSenten · 07/02/2022 16:11

@UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea

Presumably he is back in the house because OP and the police are powerless to prevent him from being there. Please don't berate the OP for this. We have all been in difficult and dangerous situations as women, where we have not had total control, and being criticised and panicked by others will not help.

Absolutely this. If people turn on the op she may feel she can't count on us for support.

Lockheart · 07/02/2022 16:24

@UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea

Presumably he is back in the house because OP and the police are powerless to prevent him from being there. Please don't berate the OP for this. We have all been in difficult and dangerous situations as women, where we have not had total control, and being criticised and panicked by others will not help.

This. Unless the OP gets some sort of injunction, for example, then you can't prevent someone from returning to their own home. This is why the ubiquitous "change the locks" posts are useless.

It is very very far from ideal, but there is zero value in telling the OP off for her H being in their house.

bluebell34567 · 07/02/2022 16:42

op can still speak to women's aid.

CanofCant · 07/02/2022 16:55

I think that's quite unfair and people are not telling her off, just understandably concerned for her safety. The fact is (as you obviously know), this is a more dangerous time for her now that she has reported him and shown signs that she doesn't want to stay in this relationship. I don't think warning her of that is pointless but I'll shut up and keep out of it and let you three take the lead.

Lockheart · 07/02/2022 17:18

@CanofCant

I think that's quite unfair and people are not telling her off, just understandably concerned for her safety. The fact is (as you obviously know), this is a more dangerous time for her now that she has reported him and shown signs that she doesn't want to stay in this relationship. I don't think warning her of that is pointless but I'll shut up and keep out of it and let you three take the lead.

Go and read some of the posts again. The incredulity and the sneering that she has "allowed" him home (as if she had any choice) and not instantly followed the pronouncements of strangers on the internet whilst her life is falling apart is quite something. And it is supremely unhelpful to someone who is in a horrible situation.

CanofCant · 07/02/2022 17:31

I have and I would only regard six or so posts out of the last two pages as sneering or incredulous but you might be in a better position to judge as my contributions are so pedestrian and unhelpful. All the best OP.

MrsKeats · 07/02/2022 17:39

Came back to check the op was ok.
Feel sick and sorry I did now,
Genuinely shocked he is back in the house.
Not often speechless.
If this goes to court the defence will say you let him back in.
Unbelievable.

MrsKeats · 07/02/2022 17:40

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Lockheart · 07/02/2022 17:46

@MrsKeats

Why does the op have no choice? What a ridiculous comment.

Because it is his home too and barring something like an injunction, the OP sadly has no power to prevent him returning.

FelicityPike · 07/02/2022 18:39

MrsKeats · 07/02/2022 18:50

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TeenyQueen · 07/02/2022 19:19

Surely if he was truly remorseful and mortified HE would agree to stay away from the family home, and surely the police have strongly advised him to do this. OP says previously she was making plans to leave, it should be him who is planning to leave. OP can't guarantee her safety with him around, and he may well try to manipulate her to let this go.

OP I've been with my DH for 12 years and we have two children together, so I do understand that you struggle with the idea of leaving him after being together for such a long time. You also worry about your DD, but children are more resilient than we think and as long as she lives in a safe and loving home she will be fine. Millions of children don't live with their fathers and still grow up to be happy and successful.

It's just sickening that men get away with abusing their wives and partners, whilst the women feel guilty about disrupting their children's lives. He didn't think about your child once whilst commiting a criminal offence.

Original poster

Flamingjunior · 07/02/2022 19:56

Thank you for all the supportive responses. It has all been overwhelming. The police team who stayed in contact with me through your the weekend were amazing and also offered advice about my options which was ultimately my decision. I obviously have thought of leaving for a while, I can, and I'd rather. I don't want to stay in our marital home and I didn't want to uproot my DD into temporary or council housing. It's not a case of letting him back, I want to be the one to go and start afresh albeit we will have contact for DS and DSD who I also brought up from a tot.

Thank you to all the lovely people on here.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 07/02/2022 20:24

You are so brave.
Wishing you the very best.

Update if you feel it suits you to.

ChargingBuck · 08/02/2022 14:39

@MrsKeats

Came back to check the op was ok. Feel sick and sorry I did now, Genuinely shocked he is back in the house. Not often speechless. If this goes to court the defence will say you let him back in. Unbelievable.

@MrsKeats

Go on then - enlighten us poor saps who know nothing.
What's your suggestion as to how OP can bar a man from his own home?

Flaming - ignore the PP's who imagine they are barristers, conducting a defence that is never likely to come to court. You have enough to occupy you in the short term, but please keep posting, & again! - contact Womens Aid, who will give you accurate advice & feel no need to berate you.

CornishTiger · 08/02/2022 14:47

@ChargingBuck

An occupation order.

Lockheart · 08/02/2022 14:52

[quote CornishTiger]@ChargingBuck

An occupation order.[/quote]
That would work, but OP doesn't have one (that we know of) or anything similar and you can't magic one up in an instant. Therefore there is no way the OP or the police can prevent him from being in the house at the moment, as it is his residence too. It's a shit situation but one that's not in OP's control right now, so maybe we should stop hectoring her for him being in the house.

Migrainesbythedozen · 08/02/2022 14:56

Don't they have Restraining Orders over there? Police can get them immediately, and THAT would mean he couldn't return to the house. And does no one over there have a father, brother, male friends, family etc that can hound and threaten him to leave and not come back?

Lockheart · 08/02/2022 15:08

@Migrainesbythedozen

Don't they have Restraining Orders over there? Police can get them immediately, and THAT would mean he couldn't return to the house. And does no one over there have a father, brother, male friends, family etc that can hound and threaten him to leave and not come back?

In the UK restraining orders can only be issued in conjunction with criminal proceedings. Which you may find yourself on the end of if you ask your family to threaten someone.

An injunction could be applied for which would restrict him from being in the family home (an occupation order) but that is not an instantaneous process.