Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

I cheated on my husband who has depression

153 replies

ABL3 · 01/02/2022 06:30

Hey, DH currently has depression; he has been medically diagnosed, is having therapy, is on anti-depressants and is trying to sort himself out. He was made redundant over a year ago and still hasn't found a new job. He has made only half hearted efforts and we're living fully off my income which isn't ideal. We have 3 kids 10, 8 and 5 and he is doing most of the childcare now and very much putting them first in that regard at least. But I feel like his depression is rubbing off at me and whenever I'm with him it just makes me feel so down.
There is this man at work who just has so much more energy, always makes me laugh and he is just seems so bright and I like the way he thinks about things. Being around him just feels like a relief almost. Tbh I've been having an emotional affair with him for some time. He's divorced.
But on Friday we kissed in the pub after work and I haven't really talked to him since. I feel so awful about this. I feel like I wouldn't be feeling like this if it wasn't for DH's depression and I feel awful that I can't manage to stand by him through his lowest point when we've had 14 great years together and he is trying really hard to sort himself out. I feel so guilty about being unfaithful to him and I do love him so much and am desparate for him to get better but I am just not happy atm in our marriage and idk what to do! I know if he cheated on me if I was feeling like that then I would be furious with him. I also don't want to tell him partly as I don't want him to know but also I am afraid this will just make him worse and I feel I need to support him still. I also feel like I do really like this other man. I don't know what to do at all

OP posts:

supercali77 · 01/02/2022 06:39

Obviously you know this is potentially catastrophically damaging. Is he getting therapy? What support do you have for dealing with your situation? It sounds very stressful, supporting 4 other people financially and emotionally on your own.

Oldtiredfedup · 01/02/2022 06:42

Why are you using his depression as an excuse? Would you be using his illness if he’d had a stroke? Or broken his back? Or had cancer?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 01/02/2022 06:45

I am just not happy atm in our marriage

Your words.

Would you consider counselling? This would mean you telling him everything.

If not, then I think you should consider splitting up.

I don't think it's fair for the poster above me to compare depression to cancer... both are medical situations which have an obvious (and sometimes not obvious) impact on a relationship.

But if you're already cheating, you need to give him the option to either fix the relationship or to go.

Billybagpuss · 01/02/2022 06:47

This sounds very stressful and difficult for you.

Do you think you want to make your marriage work or have you reached the point where you are ready to move on?

Aside from one kiss it’s been an emotional support so far. You can come back from this if you want to, but you probably need to be honest with your DH about how you are feeling and struggling in the relationship. January is never a good month for depression as the night start to get lighter you can start to make more attempts to reignite your friendship first and foremost. He needs to make more effort on the job front and the relationship front as well.

GeneLovesJezebel · 01/02/2022 06:50

How long has he been on antidepressants ?
Does he drink a lot too ?
What else has he done to help his mental health, like going to the gym ?
Are you still intimate, and if so do you do it out of duty or love ?

Holaplex · 01/02/2022 06:53

Hi. I’ve been where you are. It all was fine in the end if that helps. Three years later still together and no one knew about the affair. I’m very happy I stayed and the liaison gave me strength to continue. I don’t know if he knew, some days we barely spoke, but I found the affair a useful tool to make my marriage stronger when life was pretty shit.

girlmom21 · 01/02/2022 06:55

It's so strange that people are asking leading questions insinuating it's her husbands fault.

Yes it's hard financially supporting a family. Yes it's difficult supporting someone with depression.
No that doesn't give you an excuse for an affair.

OP I think you need to speak to your husband and tell him how you're feeling. Yes he's depressed but you're not doing so well either. You need to depend on each other.

You need to distance yourself from the man at work. It won't end well for anyone if you don't.

Do you have friends or family you can rely on?

Ladybugzrock · 01/02/2022 07:02

I am a man. My wife is depressed at home and doing most of the childcare for our three primary aged children. I’ve met someone exciting in the office, kissed her on an evening out after work, while my husband was at home with the kids and now I don’t know what to do?

Just imagine the responses if this was reversed.

No contact with this man and do is on your family.

Ladybugzrock · 01/02/2022 07:03

*Focus on your family.

Ladybugzrock · 01/02/2022 07:15

I’m going to add that the betrayed partner often senses something is wrong. They can become very anxious and nervy as they sense the disconnect and don’t understand why they’re feeling the way they do. This will not help your husbands mental health atm.

Original poster

ABL3 · 01/02/2022 07:16

@GeneLovesJezebel

How long has he been on antidepressants ? Does he drink a lot too ? What else has he done to help his mental health, like going to the gym ? Are you still intimate, and if so do you do it out of duty or love ?

About 8 months. He does drink quite a bit. He hasn't done as I think he should really and he only really leaves home to pick up/collect the kids. We are still intimate sometimes but not very often. I feel like it is at least to some extent because out of love but it definitely a different feeling to 2 years ago even

OP posts:

Holaplex · 01/02/2022 07:16

Or they can appreciate that the other partner is happy and they don’t have the capacity to worry about them? I dunno. Whatever works for you and your marriage

Bestkindaparty · 01/02/2022 07:21

How different would the replies be if op was a man who posted that he was the breadwinner because his wife had depression. The stress caused him to have an affair. I seriously doubt posters would be telling him they symapthise and has he thought about counselling.
Op you've been really selfish. Your dh is suffering and instead of supporting him you're having an affair. End it now and tell your husband so he can make the decision about whether he stays or leaves

Original poster

ABL3 · 01/02/2022 07:22

@Holaplex

I feel a bit like that but I feel so guilty about it and don't know if it can make the marriage stronger when you have such a big secret

OP posts:

TheChip · 01/02/2022 07:27

It doesn't sound like you want to be in this relationship at all.
Is the only thing that is keeping you there guilt?
Because it would better for all of you if you just left, rather than dragging it out.

You've thought about how you would feel if you were in your husbands shoes. You'd be furious. Would you prefer it if he just walked away before cheating on you, or would you be glad he stayed after he cheated?

You staying in the relationship with an affair on the go is not going to help him get better, at all. Ultimate betrayal.

cherrypie66 · 01/02/2022 07:29

Don't beat yourself up your only human. Life at home is depressing and you have found a little escape for yourself to get away from it I doubt your husband will realise his too wrapped up in his own depression !

Mumof3confused · 01/02/2022 07:30

Can you get counselling for yourself? I think it’s understandable in your situation to end up in an EA but if you take this further it will likely not end well. Don’t tell your husband about it though, I don’t think any good could come from that.

Supporting a partner with depression is incredibly difficult and draining. If you can afford it, get some support for yourself. As for your husband’s drinking I would give him an ultimatum about that. He will not recover if he is using a depressant.

Puffflashpuffflashbang · 01/02/2022 07:32

@cherrypie66

Fuck me, you're lovely. Yes, it's absolutely fine to have an affair if your spouse has a mental illness.

Do you think he wants to have depression??
If a man wrote this he'd be torn apart and rightly so.

Absolutely shocking that it's so acceptable for a woman to treat a man like this.

Ladybugzrock · 01/02/2022 07:32

@Holaplex

Or they can appreciate that the other partner is happy and they don’t have the capacity to worry about them? I dunno. Whatever works for you and your marriage

No it was what worked for YOU not your marriage because by your own posters your husband does not know about it (and of he did he’d may well walk) so hardly a marital decision was it.

Ladybugzrock · 01/02/2022 07:33

*posts

Branleuse · 01/02/2022 07:34

It was only a kiss. I dont think its necessary to tell him, but it does need to be a wake up call where you decide what you do from here.
I suggest you seek counselling by yourself to support you working out how you deal with this

PermanentTemporary · 01/02/2022 07:35

I sometimes defend MN from the charge of double standards for men and women but this is blatant.

Op I am no angel, I'm not judging because i am perfect but I am judging because this is objectively wrong. Focus on your real life. Get support if you need it, healthy support not this fantasy which could destroy your family. I know very well just how hard it is to live with a depressed partner but believe me your husband is suffering, he is trying very hard and you are running away. This us when you need to be strong and spend time supporting him. Ask him what he needs from you and try to give it.

Fireflygal · 01/02/2022 07:38

Op, please look inwards rather than blame your husband. Affairs are not caused by external factors, they are caused by inner feelings. I suspect you're just bored of life with 3 children and seeking excitement. Your husband's depression is a convenient excuse.

A man who chooses to have an affair with a married woman isn't some kind of hero..he's likely to be an opportunist who sees you are open to an affair.

If you want a wake up...imagine your children finding out about you snogging a man in a car. As your h is the main carer WHEN you are found out he is likely to ask you to move out.

Original poster

ABL3 · 01/02/2022 07:44

@Billybagpuss

This sounds very stressful and difficult for you.

Do you think you want to make your marriage work or have you reached the point where you are ready to move on?

I don't know, it just feels like he just isn't getting better and I feel like it depends what happens. I just don't really know and I am quite confused about it all. I think you're right I do need to be honest with him

OP posts:

Gilly12345 · 01/02/2022 07:46

Do you still love your Husband?
Do you want to grow old together?
What are you doing to help your Husband come through this?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Swipe left for the next trending thread