I cheated on my husband who has depression

[ABL3]

Hey, DH currently has depression; he has been medically diagnosed, is having therapy, is on anti-depressants and is trying to sort himself out. He was made redundant over a year ago and still hasn't found a new job. He has made only half hearted efforts and we're living fully off my income which isn't ideal. We have 3 kids 10, 8 and 5 and he is doing most of the childcare now and very much putting them first in that regard at least. But I feel like his depression is rubbing off at me and whenever I'm with him it just makes me feel so down.
There is this man at work who just has so much more energy, always makes me laugh and he is just seems so bright and I like the way he thinks about things. Being around him just feels like a relief almost. Tbh I've been having an emotional affair with him for some time. He's divorced.
But on Friday we kissed in the pub after work and I haven't really talked to him since. I feel so awful about this. I feel like I wouldn't be feeling like this if it wasn't for DH's depression and I feel awful that I can't manage to stand by him through his lowest point when we've had 14 great years together and he is trying really hard to sort himself out. I feel so guilty about being unfaithful to him and I do love him so much and am desparate for him to get better but I am just not happy atm in our marriage and idk what to do! I know if he cheated on me if I was feeling like that then I would be furious with him. I also don't want to tell him partly as I don't want him to know but also I am afraid this will just make him worse and I feel I need to support him still. I also feel like I do really like this other man. I don't know what to do at all

For better or worse. You've had a majority decent years for the last 14 and now the going's got a bit tough, you turn to someone else?

Frankly, he should be given the opportunity to decide whether or not he wants to be with someone who can't hack the tough stuff. Why is it all about you? Why do you get to call all the shots here?

I haven't read all the replies but from experiencing betrayal myself I think that there's never any excuse , you are to blame .
And you've probably had sex with this man but are not telling the whole truth on MN - disgusting that you can look your husband in the eye and lie to him on a daily basis .

@Ladybugzrock

I am a man. My wife is depressed at home and doing most of the childcare for our three primary aged children. I’ve met someone exciting in the office, kissed her on an evening out after work, while my husband was at home with the kids and now I don’t know what to do?

Just imagine the responses if this was reversed.

No contact with this man and do is on your family.

This with bells on!

If it was the other way round you would be slaughtered!

@DianaBrackley
Yes X

@Oldtiredfedup

Why are you using his depression as an excuse? Would you be using his illness if he’d had a stroke? Or broken his back? Or had cancer?

I think this is harsh. Op says she feels terrible about it.

On the off-chance the OP ever comes back to this thread here are a few thoughts. Apologies for the bullet points. I hope this is constructive.

1. Be wary of giving ultimatums about your DHs depression (EG: "you must stop drinking") Not only might it make his depression worse but it's a risky thing to do. What happens if he calls your bluff? What are you going to do? Which leads me to pt 2).

2. As things stand, he's now the "primary carer". If you feel like you to need to end your marriage, you'll be the one leaving the house. If you're lucky you'll see your kids half the time but just as likely, you'll see them every other weekend and once for tea in the week. If that's the case, you'll probably get 30% of any assets from your marriage and have to pay child maintenance to him. This is brutal, it's reality.

3. Bearing in mind he's only been depressed for less than a year (and yes, I know how long that must be for you - but try and keep the big picture in mind) AND that recent "lockdown times" have been challenging for us all, you might want to try and reboot your marriage. Could you call in a favour from grandparents and book a holiday with your DH. Get him away from the house and give you both a change of scene for a week.

For what it's worth, good luck in salvaging something from the situation you have put yourself in. Think forward.

cherrypie66

MrsSkylerWhite
cherrypie66
Don't beat yourself up your only human. Life at home is depressing and you have found a little escape for yourself to get away from it I doubt your husband will realise his too wrapped up in his own depression !“

Well, you’re a peach.

“How original”

Okay. You’re an arsehole.

Better?

Some of these replies are so black-and-white. In the land of MN, having an affair is right up there with murder.

No-one thinks affairs are ok. I haven't seen a single post that says it's fine to have an affair. It's not. And the OP acknowledges that. We all come at this from our own angles: maybe we were cheated on, maybe saw our own parent cheated on, or maybe we were the cheater. Whatever your angle, it'll change your viewpoint.

The point is, people and situations are not all the same. Some people have exit affairs because of abuse. Some people are just desperately, desperately unhappy. And yes, I know that some people have affairs because they just can. Which is probably the most selfish reason.

Whatever the reason, most people agree it's never ok to have an affair, but jeez can we stop being so black and white - and sarcastic.

Each situation is different and it's not one size fits all. And I say that regardless of whether it's a man or a woman.

Cheaters will always try to find an excuse, some people feel there are legitamate excuses.

I used to volunteer at a womans refuge, it being a safe house before being transferred onto safer housing for them.
Of all the women who I met and the varying caseloads I read, not one of these women ever had an exit affair to escape the relationship.
Frankly they were too scared and terrified to do so.

Whatever the very valid reasons for ending a relationship, having an affair is not the best way to end a relationship, people always get hurt.

Op you need to accept your part in this, could your EA have been one of the reasons your h's depression has become worse.

He must have noticed that whilst he was at rock bottom you were probably showing signs of being elated and in love.

I should imagine after 14 years together he must have sensed that disconnect.

You should make a decision, your involvement with this man could make your husband worse, whether he knows about the affair or not, it's actually dangerous behaviour whilst he is so low to chance making his mental health deteriorate.

Either re connect or leave.

Sorry been really busy today. Thanks everyone for replying. I feel like I know I am doing something that's wrong but I don't know what to do still. I'm not having this affair because I am 'bored'. I've found it really tough and I feel like every conversation I have with DH is just so emotionally draining and just makes me feel awful and this OM is the person who often is the one to cheer me up. I don't think the OM is just wanting to take advantage of this situation, our friendship has been slowly building for some time and gradually getting closer and I do think he genuinely is interested in me but idk. If he was just an opportunist I think it wouldn't have been so gradual and slow. I've told him that I basically need time to think about this but not completely ended it but it's hard I just know I shouldn't see him but its just so draining being with DH rn and also it just feels like sometimes it feels like he's showing signs of getting better and I feel so much hope and then 2 days later he's just much worse again and that's just destroying me and I don't know how to cope with it I know I sound like an awful person saying this. I just want him to get better and him not getting better is really hurting me and I feel like I can't cope and I don't know as I feel like I owe it to him to support him and that I'll be an awful person not to support him at his lowest point but I just can't stay like this

I think it's ok to aknowledge you are out of your depth reguarding helping your h, you both obviously need help, him for the depression and you to help him, if that's what you want to do.

Finding help for both of you, if you still love him.

By the sounds of it your OM is not as nice as you think, he is taking advantage of you and your husband, he knows the situation and some men like the game of getting one over on another man.

Difficult choices ahead but you cannot choose both, it's not fair and it's impossible to nurse your husband back to health whilst at the same time taking him for a mug.

What do you want to do?

@2boysDad

On the off-chance the OP ever comes back to this thread here are a few thoughts. Apologies for the bullet points. I hope this is constructive.

1. Be wary of giving ultimatums about your DHs depression (EG: "you must stop drinking") Not only might it make his depression worse but it's a risky thing to do. What happens if he calls your bluff? What are you going to do? Which leads me to pt 2).

2. As things stand, he's now the "primary carer". If you feel like you to need to end your marriage, you'll be the one leaving the house. If you're lucky you'll see your kids half the time but just as likely, you'll see them every other weekend and once for tea in the week. If that's the case, you'll probably get 30% of any assets from your marriage and have to pay child maintenance to him. This is brutal, it's reality.

3. Bearing in mind he's only been depressed for less than a year (and yes, I know how long that must be for you - but try and keep the big picture in mind) AND that recent "lockdown times" have been challenging for us all, you might want to try and reboot your marriage. Could you call in a favour from grandparents and book a holiday with your DH. Get him away from the house and give you both a change of scene for a week.

For what it's worth, good luck in salvaging something from the situation you have put yourself in. Think forward.

I don't know what to say to him about this at all as I feel like rn I am just being a bit too accepting about his drinking and lack of excercise and not really preventing him from doing this. When I am at home I do do 50% of the childcare and especially on weekends I am usually the one who takes them to places and does stuff with them. He's the one who does school runs now and looks after them after school everyday but when I do get home its not like I don't do anything. And before lockdown and for most of their lives I was the primary carer although then we were paying for childcare as well. Tbh money is quite tight. We're not like massively struggling with money but we are having to be quite careful with our spending now and I don't know if I can really justify a holiday when that money could be spent on the kids.

@sal1223

I haven't read all the replies but from experiencing betrayal myself I think that there's never any excuse , you are to blame . And you've probably had sex with this man but are not telling the whole truth on MN - disgusting that you can look your husband in the eye and lie to him on a daily basis .

I am being honest in this thread. I have categorically not had sex with him. We kissed on Friday that was it. He did ask me if I wanted to go round to his place and I declined.

You haven't actually done anything apart from one kiss. What would you tell your husband if you did decide to tell him - and would the guy want to take it any further anyway?

I think this will pass. Life is difficult for you at the moment and it is natural to seek some sort of escape from hard times, even if only in the mind. However you must try to see it in proportion.

OP, you are playing with fire. You are humiliating your H and making a public mockery of him with your flirtatious emotional affair and your kissing in the pub. You and WorkMan have made him an object of pity and gossip. That is so wrong.

H has an illness which is being treated with therapy and medication. If the antidepressants aren’t helping, his dosage needs to be reevaluated. That being said, he needs to cut out the alcohol, as it is a depressant. Also, mixing alcohol with some antidepressants results in sedation.

When you say he drinks ‘quite a bit,’ how much do you mean? Besides the probability of alcohol exacerbating his depression, of great concern is his ability to properly care for the children if he is drinking, sedated or hungover.

OP, while your family is in a crisis, you are perpetrating a destructive betrayal of your H and children. When you pursue illicit validation from this WorkMan, you are actually sabotaging your well-being and harming your family.

You need to shut down the infidelity, focus on your marriage, and make your decisions with clarity and integrity. H’s meds possibly need tweaking and it is up to him to find out. His alcohol consumption needs to be addressed. You cannot control that, but if it’s a problem, consider attending Al-Anon for support. You should not stay with an active alcoholic.

In my view, you would greatly benefit from individual counseling. You need that support.

OP you’re still blaming your husband! It is not his fault that you’re off entertaining another man. It’s difficult on you, I know, but he is not the reason you have failed to stand by him. Your post is still very oh woe is me, I know it’s bad but but but…

If you want this man, leave your husband. Do the decent thing rather than treating him like a fool.

@blyn72

You haven't actually done anything apart from one kiss. What would you tell your husband if you did decide to tell him - and would the guy want to take it any further anyway?

I think this will pass. Life is difficult for you at the moment and it is natural to seek some sort of escape from hard times, even if only in the mind. However you must try to see it in proportion.

OP hasn’t even ended it with the other guy. She clearly wants it to lead to more.

I'm sorry this man is clearly an opportunist, chat, chat, after works drinks. He knows you are married, he should've pushed you away when the opportunity to kiss arrived.

Hsh:

OP hasn’t even ended it with the other guy. She clearly wants it to lead to more.

He may not, to him it may be just a harmless flirtation and consider there is nothing to end.

Op, ask yourself, what do you really want from this loose liaison, would you disturb your children's security and, frankly, would he want to take on three children?

I think you are living in fantasy land.

@blyn72

*Hsh: OP hasn’t even ended it with the other guy. She clearly wants it to lead to more.*

He may not, to him it may be just a harmless flirtation and consider there is nothing to end.

Op, ask yourself, what do you really want from this loose liaison, would you disturb your children's security and, frankly, would he want to take on three children?

I think you are living in fantasy land.

Except she is not responsible for the other man’s actions and choices. She is, however, responsible for her own. So even if he doesn’t want it to lead to more, she is the one who is married and is engaging in inappropriate behaviour.

Op you need your own support, via counselling. This is what OM is providing. Once you have that in place couples counselling would be good. I get that you have carried the load for a long time and dh needs to realise this is not an indefinite solution… and the marriage may not survive if he thinks it is. You are willing to help him but he needs to work with you. A weekend away isn’t a bad idea, your family will only survive if you and dh are ok, it’s an investment. You need to end it with OM, because you can’t focus on your family if you are giving headspace to another person. On this basis if your marriage doesn’t work you know you did what you could

The in sickness and in health part of marriage vows kind of means you should still love and care for them even if they’re sick. Would you cheat on him if he had cancer and was being a total drag as a result? Seriously. You’re using his illness as an excuse to justify your actions. You cheated, it was wrong and now you need to decide whether to be honest with your DH or not. He’s already in a fragile place and you have decided to do this, super selfish.

@MsDogLady

OP, you are playing with fire. You are humiliating your H and making a public mockery of him with your flirtatious emotional affair and your kissing in the pub. You and WorkMan have made him an object of pity and gossip. That is so wrong.

H has an illness which is being treated with therapy and medication. If the antidepressants aren’t helping, his dosage needs to be reevaluated. That being said, he needs to cut out the alcohol, as it is a depressant. Also, mixing alcohol with some antidepressants results in sedation.

When you say he drinks ‘quite a bit,’ how much do you mean? Besides the probability of alcohol exacerbating his depression, of great concern is his ability to properly care for the children if he is drinking, sedated or hungover.

OP, while your family is in a crisis, you are perpetrating a destructive betrayal of your H and children. When you pursue illicit validation from this WorkMan, you are actually sabotaging your well-being and harming your family.

You need to shut down the infidelity, focus on your marriage, and make your decisions with clarity and integrity. H’s meds possibly need tweaking and it is up to him to find out. His alcohol consumption needs to be addressed. You cannot control that, but if it’s a problem, consider attending Al-Anon for support. You should not stay with an active alcoholic.

In my view, you would greatly benefit from individual counseling. You need that support.

He is in some control of his drinking and I don't think he is an alcoholic. He tries not to drink until after the kids are in bed and generally does stick to this but the problem is he does drink everyday and I don't remember the last day when he didn't drink. He usually has 2 beers an evening. I tried to suggest he goes one day a week without drinking which seems reasonable to me but he hated this. But I'm convinced he also drinks in the day when I'm at work but he always denies this. I noticed that there always tended to be a lot more bottles than I'd expect and I eventually confronted him about this and he said that he had just forgotten to take the recycling out the previous week and it was nothing but I'm sure that this wasn't true and then there were less. Everytime I've talked to him about it he just says I'm being controlling and gets quite annoyed. I think I should seek counseilling but I don't think he's an alcoholic and I just don't know I know I should end it with the other man but I feel like he has genuinely helped me and I don't know and I would miss him so much

What you do is:

divorce your husband and THEN pursue things with other men

OR

Have as little contact with this other man as possible, none if you can, and work on your marriage. And stop making excuses for your infidelity.

Those are your choices!

@DianaBrackley

Posted way too soon!

In my case I think I needed to do something that I knew I couldn't go back from within my marriage. I just couldn't do it for the rest of my life. My ex had depression for over 2 years, was self harming and suicidal. We had a toddler and nothing would help him get better. I tried. I really did. I took him to the doctor's, contacted the crisis team, took responsibility of our child and earned a wage while he lay on the sofa day after day. I felt trapped and isolated. It was all about him and his inability to find any happiness. However my feelings were irrelevant in his all consuming sadness.

I know that depression is a horrible illness, I honestly do. But I don't know if people comprehend how truly awful it is to have to hold it together for an indeterminate amount of time. Broken legs heal. Unexpected illnesses have a diagnosis and standard treatment. Depression is on the person going through it to try and heal. Sometimes they don't want to try, sometimes it is too overwhelming for them.

I know people will be thinking I should have ended it before I did anything, but it was cheating that made me realise I could finish it and that gave me the strength to continue ending it when he threatened suicide if I left him.

I'm not saying cheat on him but tell him you're unhappy and considering ending it. Don't tell him about OM, it will make him feel worse.

Be gentle with yourself though, you're not a horrible person, you've got a horrible load on your back at the moment.

Thanks I completely understand how you felt and what you went through. It doesn't sound like my DH's illness is quite as bad as your ex but it is so tough and every conversation with him is just so hard and emotionally destroys me and I don't know how to cope with it at all but I just feel I owe it to him to stay with and be with him and try to help him get better and if I am not going to stick with him when it is tough then that just seems awful as he is still the same person and I don't want to continue like this either so it is just no good solution. I just feel like I don't know how to talk with him anymore and I'm just scared everything I say will just make it worse