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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I cheated on my husband who has depression

153 replies

ABL3 · 01/02/2022 06:30

Hey, DH currently has depression; he has been medically diagnosed, is having therapy, is on anti-depressants and is trying to sort himself out. He was made redundant over a year ago and still hasn't found a new job. He has made only half hearted efforts and we're living fully off my income which isn't ideal. We have 3 kids 10, 8 and 5 and he is doing most of the childcare now and very much putting them first in that regard at least. But I feel like his depression is rubbing off at me and whenever I'm with him it just makes me feel so down.
There is this man at work who just has so much more energy, always makes me laugh and he is just seems so bright and I like the way he thinks about things. Being around him just feels like a relief almost. Tbh I've been having an emotional affair with him for some time. He's divorced.
But on Friday we kissed in the pub after work and I haven't really talked to him since. I feel so awful about this. I feel like I wouldn't be feeling like this if it wasn't for DH's depression and I feel awful that I can't manage to stand by him through his lowest point when we've had 14 great years together and he is trying really hard to sort himself out. I feel so guilty about being unfaithful to him and I do love him so much and am desparate for him to get better but I am just not happy atm in our marriage and idk what to do! I know if he cheated on me if I was feeling like that then I would be furious with him. I also don't want to tell him partly as I don't want him to know but also I am afraid this will just make him worse and I feel I need to support him still. I also feel like I do really like this other man. I don't know what to do at all

OP posts:
Momijin · 01/02/2022 09:51

OP you've had a mostly great marriage and your husband is struggling at the moment. Be there for him and support him. At least he's looking after the kids so it's not like hes not doing anything.

That man is opportunistic. Why prey on a married woman when there are plenty of single ones?

cherrypie66 · 01/02/2022 09:55

@TabithaTittlemouse

Well that will help your husband’s depression.

Do you love your husband?

If you don’t you need to tell him and leave. If you do you need to tell him and let him decide what he wants to happen next.

@cherrypie66 would you be okay with your husband cheating on you because you are struggling? It’s just a ‘little escape’.

No I wouldn't be ok with it but if had depression and was doing nothing to help myself and his life was shit I would understand to be honest. A friend of mine is going through this but she has y met anyone else and I wish she bloody well would. Why should she be miserable just because he is. Maybe if be found out he would sort himself out and realise he needs to get help and sort it out instead of moping around making his family a misery
MrsSkylerWhite · 01/02/2022 09:56

What a shitty thing to do.

If you’re unhappy, leave him. There’s no justification for an affair.

BillMasen · 01/02/2022 10:06

@cherrypie66

Don't beat yourself up your only human. Life at home is depressing and you have found a little escape for yourself to get away from it I doubt your husband will realise his too wrapped up in his own depression !
Horrible response that would never have been posted to a man having an affair!
YogaLite · 01/02/2022 10:09

Depends how selfish u are really.
Look at a big picture. If u are prepared to split up for an unknown future and possibly destroy the home life for your children then tell him.

Or, look at it as a momentary slip and put it behind you. From the OM side it's probably just an opportunistic snog and not a declaration of future happiness.

WandaWomblesaurus73 · 01/02/2022 10:10

@Hrpuffnstuff1

This guy is a rat, no doubt he knows of your circumstance, you have a family, a DH. You're vulnerable and he's disrespecting your marriage and taking advantage. What a rat.
Exactly - I've seen this many times before. You are a safe and easy target because you aren't really available. He can drop you as soon as you start to go puppy eyed because of sex hormones. He's not going to stick with you when the marriage breaks up. It will be a mess. He will get you into bed and then drop you as soon as you start talking about leaving your husband. Did you think he would take you on with your kids? It seldom happens.

You can come back from this but it's going to be you who has to stop the affair and tell this man firmly that it's not helping.

Consent is something a husband or wife need to have in their relationship. Consent is something all of us deserve the right to so we can make decisions about our bodies.

You are now taking away your husbands consent to having what he thinks is a monogamous relationship with his wife. He is now in a relationship with a woman who is not faithful and he doesn't know it. He cannot make an informed choice about any intimacy with you and for instance we can see where this gets bad is if you start having sex with the other man and now have introduced the possibility of STDs into the relationship with your unsuspecting and trusting husband. You will have removed his ability to consent with full awareness to being your partner.

It's absolutely the wrong thing to do to anyone.

MrsSkylerWhite · 01/02/2022 10:11

cherrypie66
Don't beat yourself up your only human. Life at home is depressing and you have found a little escape for yourself to get away from it I doubt your husband will realise his too wrapped up in his own depression !“

Well, you’re a peach.

Tal45 · 01/02/2022 10:12

If you don't want to be with him leave, if you do want to be with him then find a new job where you don't see this man. Having to leave your job is the consequence for what you have done. You have made working there and having your marriage impossible, now you have to choose. Please don't tell your husband about this while you still see this man at work or he will have to live with the fear that you're seeing him everyday and you will really screw his head up.

Please understand the impact of your selfish behaviour on others, no one deserves to be betrayed as there is always the option to leave if you are not happy. Your husband is ill, doing all he can to get himself better and deserves someone who knows the meaning of loyalty. You can enjoy yourself without the attention of a man you know.

Hshuznw · 01/02/2022 10:14

No judgement here on you doing whatever it takes to keep yourself from drowning too

Yes, go out and have affairs when your spouse is unwell! Perfectly justifiable. Marriage vows of sickness and health mean nothing at all.

Hshuznw · 01/02/2022 10:15

Maybe if be found out he would sort himself out and realise he needs to get help and sort it out instead of moping around making his family a misery

Clearly you know nothing about mental health, which is clear by your lack of sympathy for him and your friend’s partner.

BillMasen · 01/02/2022 10:15

@Branleuse

jesus fucking christ, can people stop using every single relationships thread as a sort of "gotcha" to call out double standards. Each bloody thread usually has a range of opinions and advice that are often on a case by case basis and most people are just as quick to attack womens wrongdoing just as much as mens, even when there are actually massive structural and social reasons why it "could" actually be seen differently regarding how situations develop etc. There is very rarely a consensus of opinion on mumsnet. On this thread there are people saying its not that bad and people saying its terrible
And I’m pretty sure those posters saying it’s not bad would never post that on threads the other way round.
Hshuznw · 01/02/2022 10:18

And I’m pretty sure those posters saying it’s not bad would never post that on threads the other way round

They would be the ones calling him every name under the sun and telling OP to LTB and divorce him taking everything he has.

But hey, when a woman cheats, it’s justifiable.

hamstersarse · 01/02/2022 10:29

The kiss sounds like a big wake up call to you in ensuring things start to change.

You've been doing the 'harmless' flirting for some time but the boundaries have now been explicitly broken now with the kiss.

You certainly need to distance yourself from this man for a while so you can work out what you need to do for your marriage, escalating the affair will only make things worse.

This is the moment to be honest about your marriage and not fall into a deeper hole with this OM - which most certainly won't end well. Keep in mind having to explain to your children what you have done, that will ensure any temptation to get it on with this man is thwarted.

It's time for change, that is clear

chaosrabbitland · 01/02/2022 10:32

@Tal45

If you don't want to be with him leave, if you do want to be with him then find a new job where you don't see this man. Having to leave your job is the consequence for what you have done. You have made working there and having your marriage impossible, now you have to choose. Please don't tell your husband about this while you still see this man at work or he will have to live with the fear that you're seeing him everyday and you will really screw his head up.

Please understand the impact of your selfish behaviour on others, no one deserves to be betrayed as there is always the option to leave if you are not happy. Your husband is ill, doing all he can to get himself better and deserves someone who knows the meaning of loyalty. You can enjoy yourself without the attention of a man you know.

goodness me shes only kissed him down the pub , not screwed him on top of her desk , lets get a bit of perspective and whilst its pretty obvious that getting into a full blown affair with this guy is a complication op doesnt need , she needs to be frank with her husband and go from there , she sure as hell doesnt need to leave her job

thats going to do a power of good being as the whole household is dependent on the wages of it right now .
but yes she shouldnt tell her husband i will agree ,

BillMasen · 01/02/2022 10:32

@cherrypie66 on a thread where a man was caught on pof you said “get rid of him”.

On a thread about someone caught messaging women you said “leave the sleaze bag he’s disgusting”

On a thread where a man was messaging another woman you said “no reason to fix this, he’s an untrustworthy arsehole”

On a thread where a woman had an 18 month affair you said “be with who you want life is too short”

And on this thread you’re all sympathy for the op

So yes. Sometimes individual posters have double standards!

Hshuznw · 01/02/2022 10:34

[quote BillMasen]@cherrypie66 on a thread where a man was caught on pof you said “get rid of him”.

On a thread about someone caught messaging women you said “leave the sleaze bag he’s disgusting”

On a thread where a man was messaging another woman you said “no reason to fix this, he’s an untrustworthy arsehole”

On a thread where a woman had an 18 month affair you said “be with who you want life is too short”

And on this thread you’re all sympathy for the op

So yes. Sometimes individual posters have double standards![/quote]
Not just all sympathy, but feels it’s ok for OP to have an escape in the form of cheating.

RobertsYourFathersBrother · 01/02/2022 10:39

@Oldtiredfedup! 100% agree with this!!! What the actual fuck, right?

Xoxoxoxoxoxox · 01/02/2022 10:40

My friend went through a similar situation as in her husband got depressed and left a high paid job and she supported him with her small business.
After a few years it became clear that he wasn’t going to work again and did leave for another man but her children were adults by then.
I guess I would see whether he can pull out of it.

Warblerinwinter · 01/02/2022 10:40

@Oldtiredfedup

Why are you using his depression as an excuse? Would you be using his illness if he’d had a stroke? Or broken his back? Or had cancer?
Didn’t read that she wouldn’t
donesomethingterrible · 01/02/2022 10:47

@ABL3
You have my complete sympathy here. I know only too well the feeling of excitement and lust for someone else when your DH is moody and depressed and life at home is pretty much unbearable.

We were actually about to separate when this guy from my past reappeared in my life in November. We have had an emotional affair and have met up once a couple of weeks ago, I am ashamed to say we did a bit more than kiss.

I just want to tell you that it has messed with my head so badly. I have been depressed myself because of the guilt and also because I haven't heard a thing from him since (no surprise there really).

My DH and I are trying to work things out but he's told me at the weekend that he thinks I am distant and distracted. I feel absolutely horrific and honestly didn't think he'd notice.

I have not told him about EA and am never planning to. Whether we'll stay together I'm not sure, a lot depends on him wanting to get better and us being a family again.

I wish I'd never got involved with this other man as it has almost destroyed me. I feel used, cheap and stupid as well as guilty and it is not good.

I do hope everything works out for you 💐

PerseverancePays · 01/02/2022 10:56

Don’t tell him; you made a mistake, you carry it. He’s already fragile, he doesn’t need to carry an extra burden.
You need to find ways to support yourself so you don’t get dragged down. All your energy is going on supporting your family with nothing left for you. Self care I do believe it’s called. And have some integrity; anyone who is up for having an affair is not worth your time.

cherrypie66 · 01/02/2022 11:09

@MrsSkylerWhite

cherrypie66 Don't beat yourself up your only human. Life at home is depressing and you have found a little escape for yourself to get away from it I doubt your husband will realise his too wrapped up in his own depression !“

Well, you’re a peach.

How original
cherrypie66 · 01/02/2022 11:09

[quote BillMasen]@cherrypie66 on a thread where a man was caught on pof you said “get rid of him”.

On a thread about someone caught messaging women you said “leave the sleaze bag he’s disgusting”

On a thread where a man was messaging another woman you said “no reason to fix this, he’s an untrustworthy arsehole”

On a thread where a woman had an 18 month affair you said “be with who you want life is too short”

And on this thread you’re all sympathy for the op

So yes. Sometimes individual posters have double standards![/quote]
Stop stalking my replies you weirdo

BillMasen · 01/02/2022 11:19

I just wondered if you had blatant double standards so quickly checked

And yes, you do

Hshuznw · 01/02/2022 11:31

Stop stalking my replies you weirdo

😂😂😂

Not really stalking when there’s a search function on MN…but a good solid “original” response to someone highlighting your double standards when a woman cheats compared to when a man cheats!