I cheated on my husband who has depression

[ABL3]

Hey, DH currently has depression; he has been medically diagnosed, is having therapy, is on anti-depressants and is trying to sort himself out. He was made redundant over a year ago and still hasn't found a new job. He has made only half hearted efforts and we're living fully off my income which isn't ideal. We have 3 kids 10, 8 and 5 and he is doing most of the childcare now and very much putting them first in that regard at least. But I feel like his depression is rubbing off at me and whenever I'm with him it just makes me feel so down.
There is this man at work who just has so much more energy, always makes me laugh and he is just seems so bright and I like the way he thinks about things. Being around him just feels like a relief almost. Tbh I've been having an emotional affair with him for some time. He's divorced.
But on Friday we kissed in the pub after work and I haven't really talked to him since. I feel so awful about this. I feel like I wouldn't be feeling like this if it wasn't for DH's depression and I feel awful that I can't manage to stand by him through his lowest point when we've had 14 great years together and he is trying really hard to sort himself out. I feel so guilty about being unfaithful to him and I do love him so much and am desparate for him to get better but I am just not happy atm in our marriage and idk what to do! I know if he cheated on me if I was feeling like that then I would be furious with him. I also don't want to tell him partly as I don't want him to know but also I am afraid this will just make him worse and I feel I need to support him still. I also feel like I do really like this other man. I don't know what to do at all

I'm not condoning cheating, but I know these things aren't black and white. Truth is, a lot of people are vulnerable to having their head turned when their marriage is going through a tough time. In a lot of cases the opportunity simply doesn't arise and so people either plod on and work through things, or their marriage ends. In your case, an opportunity did arise and your head has been turned. I can see why this other man is so appealing, he appears to be everything your dh currently isn't - happy, motivated, full of energy etc. He's also paying you attention at a time when I suspect your needs get overlooked because your dh's depression means he is often the focus. You can't unring a bell, this has happened and you need to now decide what to do.

I would take a huge step back from this other man and take some time to really think about what you want. I'd also try and seek out some emotional support for yourself. It sounds like your dh's depression has put you under a lot of pressure and the atmosphere at home is over shadowed by his low mood. Personally I wouldn't tell your dh about this if you think you want to make your marriage work. I'd use it as a wake up call to just how much the situation has been effecting you and seek to find support to work through it.

Lastly, don't roast yourself over the coals too much for this. I don't condone cheating, I've never done it myself, but I'm human and I can totally see how ongoing unhappiness in a marriage can leave someone open to seeking comfort and attention elsewhere. It's done, you can't undo it. Your energy now should go into moving forward and thinking hard about what you want in the future and then trying to make that happen.

@Hshuznw

No judgement here on you doing whatever it takes to keep yourself from drowning too

Yes, go out and have affairs when your spouse is unwell! Perfectly justifiable. Marriage vows of sickness and health mean nothing at all.

Marriage vows may well mean nothing at all, but being a mum and a parent does. Most mums would not place 3 little children in the frightening and desolate situation that a broken home would bring, not to mention the effect this would have on what has been described as a good and caring father. I read somewhere that one of the greatest fears children have is of their parents divorcing. I don't think the reasons OP gives for contemplating leaving them are good enough to be honest.

@Eleganz

Times are tough for you, your husband lost his job through no fault of his own (that is what redundancy is) in the middle of a global pandemic, he has a serious mental health condition that is preventing him from getting a new one and you have three kids to look after.

So your answer is to start fucking some guy at work.

Wow.

As for the cooing comments on here. Totally unsurprising. Mumsnet double standard at its finest. I ask all of you how generous you would feel if, having lost your job in the middle of a global pandemic and then struggling with clinical depression you found out that your husband was having an affair with a woman at work? Would you be all "aw hun, times is tough for him, totally understandable"...

OP just realise that all you are doing is making everything worse. Think of your kids if you don't give a shit about your husband now that he is not able to support you.

This.

My DH has depression.

I know what will cheer him up, I'll have an affair.

Good luck with that one hun.

@cherrypie66
After the comments you have made on previous threads, please could you explain how you are defending the op here?

Not being funny, generally interested why you are defending her, what is different from previous threads?

If this was a male poster, people would be responding like - "your poor wife sits at home depressed and you giggle and flirt with someone at work, have an EMOTIONAL AFFAIR -and end up actually kissing her, and you think somehow your wife has driven you to it? When your wife deserves your emotional input, where is it? In a colleague. She deserves the truth, and hopefully she can fins someone who will actually care and be there for her!"

I think human beings often make mistakes. Op realises this isn’t good. Piling on and then fighting on her thread doesn’t really help. But we all get our kicks in different ways I suppose

@OscarCharlieTango

I think human beings often make mistakes. Op realises this isn’t good. Piling on and then fighting on her thread doesn’t really help. But we all get our kicks in different ways I suppose

OP’s posts, and many posters here, are absolving OP of responsibility for her actions. Oh it’s not good but it’s your husband’s fault you cheated. It’s not about getting kicks but being stunned at how acceptable affairs are for posters when it involves a married woman rather than a married man.

Hi op don’t beat yourself up - you know you have done wrong and you have been brave enough to post here.
How long has he been depressed. Peoples mood usually pick up after about 8 weeks - maybe he needs to try a different anti depressant.
Have you applied for tax credits? Go on entitled to or Turn to us and see if you can claim anything.
Maybe couples therapy - depression can be systemic in that react of each other - he needs to be doing something and be sure your not enabling him.
Good luck - it’s showed you there is something wrong that needs addressing in the marriage.

Your poor husband.

[quote Workinghardeveryday]@cherrypie66
After the comments you have made on previous threads, please could you explain how you are defending the op here?

Not being funny, generally interested why you are defending her, what is different from previous threads?[/quote]
If I want to be biased towards the woman then that is up to me maybe I do have more sympathy for women in an unhappy marriage than I would a man that's my opinion. I answered each op on what I thought individually at the time I have also read posts from men who have been deeply unhappy and met someone else and my advice has been to do what makes him happy so im not totally in favour of the woman all the time I don't think

@cherrypie66 kudos for at least owning your bias. I think there are many posters with that same bias who haven’t had it so clearly pointed out to them, and who many not stand by it as you have.

Do you think it’s right to be biased towards someone based on their sec?

Sex

[quote BillMasen]@cherrypie66 kudos for at least owning your bias. I think there are many posters with that same bias who haven’t had it so clearly pointed out to them, and who many not stand by it as you have.

Do you think it’s right to be biased towards someone based on their sec?[/quote]
I don't know if it's right but as I said before I answer with my opinion From experience I think on the whole a woman cheats because she is unhappy a man will cheat if his bored. Jump on me now and tell me that's rubbish but that's how I feel. I don't think anyone should stay in an unhappy marriage if they are truly miserable

Not staying in an unhappy marriage is one thing, cheating is entirely different.

So much for 'in sickness and in health'. I suffer from depression, can't imagine when I'd be happy for a partner, nevermind spouse to cheat on me. Its not a voluntary illness for fucks sake. He needs support not cheated on.

You need to address the EA because you know it's not right.

He's not trying hard though is he. He's fallen into an easy option. Life is cushty. He could have taken a lesser job in the last year, but he hadn't. I'd start there and tell him that get his cv updated and sent out and no more excuses, you expect him to have at least an .... interview, in the next x weeks, say 6-8.

It’s more about offering some compassion in this situation. We are all fallible and make mistakes. Affairs are a Pandora’s box of hurt, unintended consequences and extreme damage to all your relationships. They turn you into a liar. You lie to your partner, your children - everyone.
That is not a path to happiness - it is self harming and destructive. You ruin yourself.

But it’s also a signal that op is deeply unhappy and needs change - whatever that is. Staying in a relationship at all costs is also massively damaging.

@OscarCharlieTango

It’s more about offering some compassion in this situation. We are all fallible and make mistakes. Affairs are a Pandora’s box of hurt, unintended consequences and extreme damage to all your relationships. They turn you into a liar. You lie to your partner, your children - everyone. That is not a path to happiness - it is self harming and destructive. You ruin yourself.

But it’s also a signal that op is deeply unhappy and needs change - whatever that is. Staying in a relationship at all costs is also massively damaging.

The problem with saying things like "it is a sign that they are unhappy and need change" is that whether you intend it or not it does provide justification for the affair.

Not all affairs occur because the cheater has a legitimate reason. There are plenty of self-centred aresholes who have little to no resilience who just don't have the self control to avoid an affair at the slightest perceived bump in the road.

Acting out because you are unhappy is explainable, but it isn't acceptable and that is the point here.

Also, I've noticed a few people on here using "EA" to describe what are clearly affairs. Sorry but you can't call something where you've been physically intimate with someone an "emotional affair". Emotional affairs are just where you get caught before arranging the logistics to make it physical anyway.

@cherrypie66 of course you can feel how you like. The fact that you have that bias about men's and women's reasons for having affairs explains why you have such a double standard. Of course you are completely wrong. Plenty of bored women stepping outside their marriages and plenty of unhappy men doing likewise. Affairs are shit regardless of the reason. They are cowardly and self-centred and never solve the problem being faced.

@OscarCharlieTango

It’s more about offering some compassion in this situation. We are all fallible and make mistakes. Affairs are a Pandora’s box of hurt, unintended consequences and extreme damage to all your relationships. They turn you into a liar. You lie to your partner, your children - everyone. That is not a path to happiness - it is self harming and destructive. You ruin yourself.

But it’s also a signal that op is deeply unhappy and needs change - whatever that is. Staying in a relationship at all costs is also massively damaging.

Absolutely!

OP, I've been where you were and to be honest it was a living hell having a partner with depression.in my case, I think I n

Emotional affairs are very dangerous as you get those intoxicating chemicals that become like an addiction. They are hard to break and easy to fuel. You need to break that habit and then focus on your problems at home. Depressed people sometimes don’t do the right things because they can’t see past the darkness.

I wouldn't be feeling like this if it wasn't for DH's depression

Don't blame him for your lack of morals. If you're unhappy leave. But don't blame him that you can't stand by him so went to find fun elsewhere. You should feel guilty although I don't think you really do... Just leave, hope when you're going through difficulty someone you trust let's you down while at your worst... Just remember when they do it was probably your fault because they never would have done it if it weren't for your misfortune.

Posted way too soon!

In my case I think I needed to do something that I knew I couldn't go back from within my marriage. I just couldn't do it for the rest of my life. My ex had depression for over 2 years, was self harming and suicidal. We had a toddler and nothing would help him get better. I tried. I really did. I took him to the doctor's, contacted the crisis team, took responsibility of our child and earned a wage while he lay on the sofa day after day. I felt trapped and isolated. It was all about him and his inability to find any happiness. However my feelings were irrelevant in his all consuming sadness.

I know that depression is a horrible illness, I honestly do. But I don't know if people comprehend how truly awful it is to have to hold it together for an indeterminate amount of time. Broken legs heal. Unexpected illnesses have a diagnosis and standard treatment. Depression is on the person going through it to try and heal. Sometimes they don't want to try, sometimes it is too overwhelming for them.

I know people will be thinking I should have ended it before I did anything, but it was cheating that made me realise I could finish it and that gave me the strength to continue ending it when he threatened suicide if I left him.

I'm not saying cheat on him but tell him you're unhappy and considering ending it. Don't tell him about OM, it will make him feel worse.

Be gentle with yourself though, you're not a horrible person, you've got a horrible load on your back at the moment.