I cheated on my husband who has depression

[ABL3]

Hey, DH currently has depression; he has been medically diagnosed, is having therapy, is on anti-depressants and is trying to sort himself out. He was made redundant over a year ago and still hasn't found a new job. He has made only half hearted efforts and we're living fully off my income which isn't ideal. We have 3 kids 10, 8 and 5 and he is doing most of the childcare now and very much putting them first in that regard at least. But I feel like his depression is rubbing off at me and whenever I'm with him it just makes me feel so down.
There is this man at work who just has so much more energy, always makes me laugh and he is just seems so bright and I like the way he thinks about things. Being around him just feels like a relief almost. Tbh I've been having an emotional affair with him for some time. He's divorced.
But on Friday we kissed in the pub after work and I haven't really talked to him since. I feel so awful about this. I feel like I wouldn't be feeling like this if it wasn't for DH's depression and I feel awful that I can't manage to stand by him through his lowest point when we've had 14 great years together and he is trying really hard to sort himself out. I feel so guilty about being unfaithful to him and I do love him so much and am desparate for him to get better but I am just not happy atm in our marriage and idk what to do! I know if he cheated on me if I was feeling like that then I would be furious with him. I also don't want to tell him partly as I don't want him to know but also I am afraid this will just make him worse and I feel I need to support him still. I also feel like I do really like this other man. I don't know what to do at all

An affair is not the answer. It will mess you up and your partner is very vulnerable due to his illness. Don’t do that to him x
Don’t go there. Think of an affair like alcoholism or drug addiction. It’s a temporary high you will keep chasing to cope with your unhappiness. You need to tackle the unhappiness.

So - You’ve seen something different. You are not responsible for your partners happiness or emotions. So time to think about what you want.
With three children it’s a very tough situation but is that itch ever going to go away? You can’t live your life in limbo. You will never be happy.

@Branleuse

It was only a kiss. I dont think its necessary to tell him, but it does need to be a wake up call where you decide what you do from here. I suggest you seek counselling by yourself to support you working out how you deal with this

This.

@Bestkindaparty

How different would the replies be if op was a man who posted that he was the breadwinner because his wife had depression. The stress caused him to have an affair. I seriously doubt posters would be telling him they symapthise and has he thought about counselling. Op you've been really selfish. Your dh is suffering and instead of supporting him you're having an affair. End it now and tell your husband so he can make the decision about whether he stays or leaves

This! I couldn’t read further than this comment as the responses were way too sympathetic with OP.

You cheated on your husband. No excuse justifies that. No matter how much you dress it up, it’s all on you.

Seriously, just imagine the responses here if it was the other way round.

@Eleganz

Times are tough for you, your husband lost his job through no fault of his own (that is what redundancy is) in the middle of a global pandemic, he has a serious mental health condition that is preventing him from getting a new one and you have three kids to look after.

So your answer is to start fucking some guy at work.

Wow.

As for the cooing comments on here. Totally unsurprising. Mumsnet double standard at its finest. I ask all of you how generous you would feel if, having lost your job in the middle of a global pandemic and then struggling with clinical depression you found out that your husband was having an affair with a woman at work? Would you be all "aw hun, times is tough for him, totally understandable"...

OP just realise that all you are doing is making everything worse. Think of your kids if you don't give a shit about your husband now that he is not able to support you.

👏🏼 👏🏼 👏🏼

Apologies didn't read the OPs post properly that she has not yet had sex with him (or so we are led to believe).

@Foolsrule

Why is everyone castigating the OP? She’s not happy and it doesn’t sound as though her husband is doing everything he can to help himself. Yes, the depression is tough. But the drinking won’t be helping! I’m sure she’d feel much more able to help him if he had tried everything, like you might with a physical illness, second opinion, get more sleep etc. But drinking + depression do not say to me that this is a man who wants to get better for his family.

Because she has clearly taken the “it’s my husband’s fault I cheated” approach.

Telling him would only be to try and ease your own guilt. But you did this so the guilt should remain with you.

You and your husband need to have a conversation about the relationship. Tell him this isn't working in its current form. Ask him to go back to his GP or start counselling or something. Ask him what you can do to help his outlook. And find yourself an outlet (not men) to step away for your own mental health.

Plan to revisit in a couple of months and see if things improving

It's OK to end relationships when they no longer work, but it's surely worth trying to make them work for the sake of the love that was clearly there to begin with. At least try for a bit.

@Oldtiredfedup

I truly cannot stand this attitude from people that somehow mental I’ll health in a spouse is different to physical I’ll health and affords the well spouse free gratis to behave how they wish because it’s OH SO AWFUL for them.

well yes true they are the same thing , but then when it comes to depression its a grey area , i mean a poster upthread has said she supported her partner for 15 years before leaving him .

is the op supposed to spend the next 15 years dragging herself to work every day to support the family whilst he sits at home .
how long is depression that bad that you cant even apply or look for work before it starts to slip into the im nice and comfy in this role now and i dont actually want to work anymore ?

i once casually dated someone who was adament he couldnt work because it apparently made his depression and anxiety worse , poor soul couldnt seem to understand why i didnt want to take it any further after a few coffees

I'm always in two minds about whether cheaters should tell the truth. My view is it is one of timing. Telling the husband when he is clinically depressed might not be the best timing, but at the end of the day he needs to know that when times are tough his wife does not have his back.

How awful of you. what about your kids? your family?

A partnership is meant to mean being there for someone when the times get tough, not flitting off for excitement. If it was a man posting you'd get ripped to shreds.

Sometimes relationships are work, get some counselling, get a hobby, help your husband and talk to him.

If you are still unhappy then do the decent thing and leave, before you've shagged half your office.

@chaosrabbitland

It has been just over a year in the middle of the pandemic. He is getting treatment. No-one knows the future. They have primary aged children.

So, this is not the same as either a 15 year period of struggling with a depressed partner nor is it the same as who you choose to have coffee with. This is still very much in the "this is what you signed up for when you got married" territory. After 14 years of marriage I would expect more than going off and having an affair under such circumstances.

is the op supposed to spend the next 15 years dragging herself to work every day to support the family whilst he sits at home .
how long is depression that bad that you cant even apply or look for work before it starts to slip into the im nice and comfy in this role now and i dont actually want to work anymore

Given that the OP has had a happy marriage and things have only changed in the last 12months, I'd say its pretty quick to be looking elsewhere. 14 years of happy marriage, and now in a blip and off she goes

@crestar

Women on Mumsnet - 'Oh hun, i'm so sorry for you. It must be so difficult. Do what's best for you. Leave and be happy. It's all about you at the end of the day. Don't get dragged down by him. You owe him nothing.'

Women on Mumsnet when the situation is reversed - 'What a bastard he is. He is the lowest of the low. You are ill and he's done this. Line up all your ducks - get them in a row. Leave as soon as possible and get everything you can. LTB and hang him out to dry.'

This x 1000! The double standards are absolutely shocking.

OP you need to end this with the other man now - not only are you harming your family, uou could fuck up your career too then you'd be royally screwed.

Talk to your husband (not about the affair! Put that in a box never to be thought of again), say you are feeling the strain and you'd like to get him some more support for his depression and you'll help him in that, but in return you'd like him to try reducing the drinking and get out each day, even if it's just a 15 minute stroll round the block. Baby steps.

Good luck - you can do this.

@chaosrabbitland not so grey that it means cheating it okay. OP either wants to help her husband through this, or she doesn't. It's perfectly okay if she finds it so difficult that she wants to leave. That is understandable. Cheating because she can't cope with it, is not.

I'm not going to judge you but so far, your relationship with the other man has gone no further than a kiss, prior to which it was in your head. Therefore I would say there is no reason to tell your husband, why upset him when he is unwell?

Try not to let your dalliance go any further. Its possible the man doesn't want that anyway.

It's not unusual to enjoy a little escapism, especially if things are difficult, but it doesn't generally last; fantasising is often better than actually doing it.

@Eleganz

Times are tough for you, your husband lost his job through no fault of his own (that is what redundancy is) in the middle of a global pandemic, he has a serious mental health condition that is preventing him from getting a new one and you have three kids to look after.

So your answer is to start fucking some guy at work.

Wow.

As for the cooing comments on here. Totally unsurprising. Mumsnet double standard at its finest. I ask all of you how generous you would feel if, having lost your job in the middle of a global pandemic and then struggling with clinical depression you found out that your husband was having an affair with a woman at work? Would you be all "aw hun, times is tough for him, totally understandable"...

OP just realise that all you are doing is making everything worse. Think of your kids if you don't give a shit about your husband now that he is not able to support you.

At last, the voice of reason.

There are far too many people on here excusing and minimising OPS behaviour.

My DH lost his job due to lockdown and was on anti depressants for 7 months. Yes it was hard and stressful for me too, keeping everything else afloat whilst feeling like I was drowning. But I love my husband. An affair is not the answer.

MNs glorious double standards strikes again

People with depression tend to be very self absorbed, and it isn't fun to live with. DH went through a patch a few years ago, and his mood was bringing down everyone else in the house. I used to dread going home. In the end we had a really frank talk where I said that I felt so sad that he was going through this, but it wasn't a free pass to make everyone else's life a misery too.

He came (with GP supervision) off the zombifying anti-depressants he was on (they really didn't help him at all), and in his defence, he made a big effort to rejoin in with family life/eat better/get some exercise. Over 6 months he really went back to being him again.

I get what you're feeling, OP, but an affair is really not the answer here. Stop contact with this man, and sort your marriage out first before you move on.

[quote TheChip]@chaosrabbitland not so grey that it means cheating it okay. OP either wants to help her husband through this, or she doesn't. It's perfectly okay if she finds it so difficult that she wants to leave. That is understandable. Cheating because she can't cope with it, is not.[/quote]
i do agree with you in that i havent said i think its fine for her to cheat .it isnt going to solve the problem and in her shoes with no sign of him getting any better or making much effort id be looking to finish it as she does appear to be helping him in that shes carrying the finacial load , but its been a year and still no signs of him getting better

personally i wouldnt be able to carry on and id be finshing it ,but of course its difficult with three young children

OP - just my opinion here - but I think your marriage is over.

The kindest thing you can do for your husband is to leave after you have put a LOT of thought into how you will both co-parent your 3 children (including you taking up more than 50% of the childcare slack after you have left.

I would say you need to tell him about your affair before you go, or if you cannot do that you need to be up front and honest with him after you have left.

You must not leave and then come back.

The reason I think this is before you even typed your OP, you had analysed the whole situation you are in as "he had depression and therefore I...."
That type of thinking to me means you will never be able to salvage your marriage and the kindest thing is for you to leave and face the consequences of your separation/divorce.

** Fuck me, you're lovely.
Yes, it's absolutely fine to have an affair if your spouse has a mental illness.

Do you think he wants to have depression??
If a man wrote this he'd be torn apart and rightly so.

Absolutely shocking that it's so acceptable for a woman to treat a man like this.**

^I agree

@Ladybugzrock

I’m going to add that the betrayed partner often senses something is wrong. They can become very anxious and nervy as they sense the disconnect and don’t understand why they’re feeling the way they do. This will not help your husbands mental health atm.

They 100% do and I did have a gut wrenching feeling something happened/was happening/possibly happened. I lived with this for over 2 years.

OP, don't cheat any further, make your mind up 100% what you want to do and then talk to him.

I'm in the same position as your husband. I don't have depression, but an illness that I will never recover from. I carry on with life and keep it as normal as I can, some days are ok, some are bad and I shield my family from it as best I can and make sure I "pull my weight". I probably over compensate.

From what I have been told, nothing happened, but interest was shown and it could easily have gone further. To hear that is like having your guts ripped out. To then be told they aren't sure whether to break up or stay is awful, especially if, like me, you love them more than they would ever know.

jesus fucking christ, can people stop using every single relationships thread as a sort of "gotcha" to call out double standards.
Each bloody thread usually has a range of opinions and advice that are often on a case by case basis and most people are just as quick to attack womens wrongdoing just as much as mens, even when there are actually massive structural and social reasons why it "could" actually be seen differently regarding how situations develop etc. There is very rarely a consensus of opinion on mumsnet. On this thread there are people saying its not that bad and people saying its terrible

I have been qhere you are OP and in the end I left. I think the harsher comments have no idea what it's like to live and support someone with mental illness. It swallows you whole. Even more so when they aren't doing what they need to to get better. It's draining, and you lose yourself. No judgement here on you doing whatever it takes to keep yourself from drowning too.

Don’t tell you DH about OM. It might make you feel better to come clean, but imagine what it would do to him. There’s no need for him to know. The atonement for what you’ve done will come in the feelings of guilt you’ll have and the emotional pain this situation will cause you.

I know, I’ve been there. And my husband wasn’t suffering from depression.

I don’t judge you at all OP. You’re in an incredibly tough situation and OM is offering some escape from that and a chance for you to feel good. You can’t help what you feel. But you can help what you do about it, which I kept telling myself and kept ignoring myself and getting deeper and deeper into a mess.

It’s your decision now what happens with OM, whether you carry on or pull back. I would have an honest conversation with him about your situation and say you really value his friendship and want it to be nothing more (if that’s what you want).

And have a partly honest conversation with DH. Tell him you’re struggling, and you want to help him but you don’t know how. Try to encourage him to help himself.

But don’t beat yourself up. You’re only human.

*your (previous page!)