I cheated on my husband who has depression

[ABL3]

Hey, DH currently has depression; he has been medically diagnosed, is having therapy, is on anti-depressants and is trying to sort himself out. He was made redundant over a year ago and still hasn't found a new job. He has made only half hearted efforts and we're living fully off my income which isn't ideal. We have 3 kids 10, 8 and 5 and he is doing most of the childcare now and very much putting them first in that regard at least. But I feel like his depression is rubbing off at me and whenever I'm with him it just makes me feel so down.
There is this man at work who just has so much more energy, always makes me laugh and he is just seems so bright and I like the way he thinks about things. Being around him just feels like a relief almost. Tbh I've been having an emotional affair with him for some time. He's divorced.
But on Friday we kissed in the pub after work and I haven't really talked to him since. I feel so awful about this. I feel like I wouldn't be feeling like this if it wasn't for DH's depression and I feel awful that I can't manage to stand by him through his lowest point when we've had 14 great years together and he is trying really hard to sort himself out. I feel so guilty about being unfaithful to him and I do love him so much and am desparate for him to get better but I am just not happy atm in our marriage and idk what to do! I know if he cheated on me if I was feeling like that then I would be furious with him. I also don't want to tell him partly as I don't want him to know but also I am afraid this will just make him worse and I feel I need to support him still. I also feel like I do really like this other man. I don't know what to do at all

This guy is a rat, no doubt he knows of your circumstance, you have a family, a DH.
You're vulnerable and he's disrespecting your marriage and taking advantage. What a rat.

@Hrpuffnstuff1

This guy is a rat, no doubt he knows of your circumstance, you have a family, a DH. You're vulnerable and he's disrespecting your marriage and taking advantage. What a rat.

Errr, it takes two to tango! And it definitely takes two to have an emotional affair! The other guy is divorced, not cheating on his depressed wife.

OP you can't use your husbands depression as a reason for cheating, many people have partners with depression and manage to avoid snogging other people. If you're unhappy in the marriage, then you need to either work on it or leave it. Secrets don't make a happy life, and if they eventually come out can be more devastating than they originally would have been.

You need to stop having this affair, to start off with. Then work on your marriage, or don't, but don't have two men concurrently

I don’t think falling out of love is the reason marriages fail due to cheating. I think cheating happens when you “fall out of respect” with someone and this is what is happening here. You’re finding it hard to respect your husband because he has no job, lacks energy and interest and isn’t seeking counselling to help himself. It is always hard to maintain respect for someone who will not help themselves.

But it’s important to remember that his lack of motivation is part of his illness. I do think you should talk to him about the effect this is having on your marriage (although personally I would leave out the kiss detail). I think you both need some counselling, separately and together.

Well that will help your husband’s depression.

Do you love your husband?

If you don’t you need to tell him and leave. If you do you need to tell him and let him decide what he wants to happen next.

@cherrypie66 would you be okay with your husband cheating on you because you are struggling? It’s just a ‘little escape’.

As someone who lived with someone with a range of mental health issues I understand how lonely and draining it can be. Someone who seems vibrant and energetic can be magnetising but your vows were made to your husband as it seems he is trying to get better so you need to end it with the other man.

You would really benefit from some therapy to work through your feelings. You may or may not wish to stay with your husband. Can you honestly see yourself staying for another 5/10 years if he doesn't get better? If you can't then you need to consider ending your relationship for both your sakes.

In my case I ended it and to be honest I felt so much better straight away. I had supported my ex for 15 years and lost myself doing it. It's easy to get dragged down in this situation. Depression is a cruel illness, it is also a selfish illness and you need to be honest with yourself and your husband as to whether you can continue the way it is for years to come.

@lemongrasstea

You need to stop having this affair, to start off with. Then work on your marriage, or don't, but don't have two men concurrently

This ^^

When my dh had depression it affected me too, I think it often does.

But the last thing you need is another man hovering.

Try and get you dh to at least have short walks with you. Intimacy doesn’t just have to be sex, you need to feel like you’re a team.
Your dh’s confidence has taken a huge bashing with being made redundant, it’s hard for you but it’s harder for him.

Tell him how you feel being the breadwinner. It’s a big responsibility.
If he could get a small job just to get him out it would help .

Put your energy into improving your marriage not looking for an alternative distraction.

You say you don’t know what to do- stop cheating, maybe!

If you do not want a relationship with your husband, put things in motion to get a divorce.
If you do, come clean and get yourself to therapy as well.

In the nicest way - give your head a shake!!!

You are bored, life at home is dull atm. This man at work is exciting, makes you feel alive and 16 again. Forbidden fruit - so exciting!! Bet your heart pounds every time you see him.

Thing is you are risking your whole future for that, every thing you have been through with your husband, the kids being born and how you went through it all together, you have all these life experiences with him and have the perfect set up a lot of people would do anything to have. But you are considering throwing it all away and for what?

Do you really think this feeling of excitement will stay? Nope. Of course not. But by then it will be too late won’t it. You will have split up your family, devastated your children and changed their future as a family, never mind the fact you would have totally devastated your husband who btw is temporarily depressed. He will get better and he will be himself again.

This new exciting man sounds great, happy to mess on with a married woman, no consideration about your kids/husband and breaking up a family. What great morals. Wonder how he will be if you get together, he obviously doesn’t have a problem with cheating does he.

Bet he’s a shit shag as well, but you go ahead and give it a try, no turning back at that point.

You are wrapped up in the grass in greener. Stop before you ruin all the lives around you you care about not to mention your own.

The hypocrisy on here is sometimes unbelievable! If this was a man posting he would be eviscerated. Op what you are doing is wrong, selfish, entitled and wrong. After, in your words “14 great years together” he becomes unwell and you decide to get it on with some bloke at work (who knows you are married, with children - he’s no catch is he)
Do you remember the “in sickness and in health” bit that you promised? In your own words your DH is pulling his weight with childcare, he hasn’t left you totally alone to deal with family life, yet you still chose to pull this shit and then conveniently blame him. Have you too been given a copy of “the script” so you can trot out the appropriate lines to minimise your dreadful behaviour and attempt to blame your spouse?
You are choosing to behave like this, choosing to put some bloke you hardly know before your DH and DC. Stop it. Now. Take a good long look at yourself. If who you are is a cheating, deceitful person then carry on. If that’s not who you think you are, then stop. If you want out of the marriage, that’s your prerogative but treating your DH and DC like shit isn’t on.

@gonnabeok is spot on. Any chronic illness can create stress in a marriage but depression of a partner is it’s own kind of hell, and can lead to depression in the healthy spouse too.

The other man is a distraction, but that’s not addressing the underlying issue.
Try to talk to your gp about counselling and support for you.

@girlmom21

It's so strange that people are asking leading questions insinuating it's her husbands fault.

Yes it's hard financially supporting a family. Yes it's difficult supporting someone with depression.
No that doesn't give you an excuse for an affair.

OP I think you need to speak to your husband and tell him how you're feeling. Yes he's depressed but you're not doing so well either. You need to depend on each other.

You need to distance yourself from the man at work. It won't end well for anyone if you don't.

Do you have friends or family you can rely on?

i will agree with you that its not her husbands fault hes causing her to stray , however i think this post from op does show how affairs happen when a spouse is not actively looking to cheat

1. Don't tell your husband, you would feel better but he'd feel 10 times worse.
2. Stop the EA with this other man, make yourself hate him! Avoid him completely. He's not a good person for having an EA with a married woman.
3. Whatever is going on with your husband will pass, he will get better, he will get better quicker with your support.
4. Put the 'woe is me' feelings in a box and concentrate on looking after your sick husband.
5. Remember we can't help how we feel - but we can control, decide and react to what we do about our feelings. You can't stop yourself from falling in love, but you can stop yourself from having an affair.

Have you considered the effect this would have on your children? Is this other guy in the office worth the hurt and anxiety your leaving would have on them? At the moment it sounds like this is all about me, me.

End it with this bloke, and just move on for him. I realise the emotional affair has made things complex where as just kissing him could perhaps be brushed off more easily, but I think you might need to put the whole thing aside for now. You need your emotional energy to support your husband through this difficult time.

I think you need to talk to your husband about how you’re feeling though. It’s understandable how difficult this is for you as well as him, and no doubt you’re equally as worried about your kids.

I totally believe no one should be left feeling stuck in an unhappy marriage, but it sounds from what you say if you’ve had a good solid 14 years previously that actually you have a good marriage generally and that this situation is just causing huge amounts of pressure and anxiety.

Go easy on yourself and please do just cut ties with this bloke because it has the potential to make things far worse than they actually are. I believe you will have to come clean but possibly now is not the right time.

Good luck OP.

Why is everyone castigating the OP? She’s not happy and it doesn’t sound as though her husband is doing everything he can to help himself. Yes, the depression is tough. But the drinking won’t be helping! I’m sure she’d feel much more able to help him if he had tried everything, like you might with a physical illness, second opinion, get more sleep etc. But drinking + depression do not say to me that this is a man who wants to get better for his family.

i think op you are going to have to be either brutally honest with your husband and tell him your unhappy or think about how much longer you want to wait for him to sort himself out , i can appreciate its hard not having a lot of confidence when it comes to applying for jobs ,but by the sound of it hes not really trying and its been over a year .
i personally wouldnt be happy being the only breadwinner whilst my husband was sat about all day just being a stay at home parent whilst i had all the responsiblity , i know its always been the tradtional way that in years past thats what men did and whos to say they always liked it ,maybe they didnt , but the point is you dont have to be happy with it the way it is . its dragging you down and i think this other man is just a sticking plaster for whats wrong in your marraige .

even if you start a full blown affair its not going to fix whats wrong that you are miserable . if your husband cant commit to any timeframe or make an effort then you might need to thing about seperating

Are you getting any support from friends and family or professional counselling for yourself? Being the spouse of someone with depression is emotionally draining (and isn't comparable to carrying the load when a spouse has a broken leg or cancer) and there's no certainty that the situation will get better, and it's understandable that you've grabbed support and a bit of excitement wherever you found it, but you know you're going to end up with a mess to sort out if this relationship continues alongside your marriage.

I know it must look like yet another task from where you're standing, but are there other, safer, things you could do for yourself to protect your own mental health?

I agree with others that it would be best to wind this developing relationship back. You're best placed to judge whether to talk to your husband about it now, in the future, or never.

@Foolsrule

Why is everyone castigating the OP? She’s not happy and it doesn’t sound as though her husband is doing everything he can to help himself. Yes, the depression is tough. But the drinking won’t be helping! I’m sure she’d feel much more able to help him if he had tried everything, like you might with a physical illness, second opinion, get more sleep etc. But drinking + depression do not say to me that this is a man who wants to get better for his family.

im wondering that , its been a whole year he hasnt looked for a job and sits about in the house whilst shes having to do it all , in other sorts of posts men like these are referred to as cocklodgers , whereas throw in the mental health bit of depression and its all sympathy

Women on Mumsnet - 'Oh hun, i'm so sorry for you. It must be so difficult. Do what's best for you. Leave and be happy. It's all about you at the end of the day. Don't get dragged down by him. You owe him nothing.'

Women on Mumsnet when the situation is reversed - 'What a bastard he is. He is the lowest of the low. You are ill and he's done this. Line up all your ducks - get them in a row. Leave as soon as possible and get everything you can. LTB and hang him out to dry.'

I think you should get professional marriage counselling. But if it was the other way around and you were depressed how would you like to be treated. No one is free from illness in this life.

I truly cannot stand this attitude from people that somehow mental I’ll health in a spouse is different to physical I’ll health and affords the well spouse free gratis to behave how they wish because it’s OH SO AWFUL for them.

I would strongly disagree affairs make a marriage stroger and argue that helping someone through their darkest hour does. But I think you know that.

Times are tough for you, your husband lost his job through no fault of his own (that is what redundancy is) in the middle of a global pandemic, he has a serious mental health condition that is preventing him from getting a new one and you have three kids to look after.

So your answer is to start fucking some guy at work.

Wow.

As for the cooing comments on here. Totally unsurprising. Mumsnet double standard at its finest. I ask all of you how generous you would feel if, having lost your job in the middle of a global pandemic and then struggling with clinical depression you found out that your husband was having an affair with a woman at work? Would you be all "aw hun, times is tough for him, totally understandable"...

OP just realise that all you are doing is making everything worse. Think of your kids if you don't give a shit about your husband now that he is not able to support you.