How do you come to terms with the fact that the narciasist never really loved you

[JLBear12]

I am 3 months out of a relationship with someone who displayed a lot of narcissistic traits. He discarded me for another woman, how do you come to terms, in your mind, that the entire relationship with just a lie its driving me mad.

I suppose counting your blessings? Be grateful you're out of it? He is damaged, you are not. Look for the learning and take that with you.

I drove myself mad wondering how I'd ever get closure. It came in the form of just accepting that I would never get it. You're still very early on in the healing process. It takes time. You will get there. I realise now that my narc ex is ill and is sadly missing that part of the brain which makes us rounded, full human beings. He may have hurt you but you will heal whereas he never can. He will go through life repeating this pattern but you're free now.

Counseling, time, totally cutting them off on all channels (block on social media etc)

3 months. I know it doesn’t feel it but you’ve had a really lucky escape. People (myself included) have given years to narcissists. I know it doesn’t make it easier tho. So sorry.

How did I come to terms with it?

Well, for me it wasn’t all a lie. My emotions/ feelings/ love were real. I had some very happy memories (of course I did, that was how he kept me hooked). My point is I think a lot of people completely rewrite a relationship when they realise they were involved with a narc. It helped me not to. I absolutely identify the low points but I also embrace the happy times and it does make me happy to think of the times I was happy. Those times were real.

I think there is also something in there about forgiveness (eventually). I don’t envy narcs and I would never want to be one. They’re completely empty and very damaged individuals.

Don’t take it personally. It’s not about you. A narc will leave a trail of devastation in their wake. The next person will eventually be discarded too. They won’t change.

Be really kind to yourself. Narcs are master manipulators. People can often get caught up on ‘I can’t believe I let this happen’ and it’s simply not helpful. Build yourself back up, self criticism doesn’t help with that.

Finally, I wouldn’t wish a narc upon my worst enemy. But now I’ve met one and gotten unentangled from them, it’s been a brutal but valuable life lesson. I didn’t realise people like this walked amongst us, now I know - this knowledge and awareness will help me. Not only in dating, but in my career and personal life.

It’s a process. Counselling helps and there are some great podcasts/ YouTube channels out there.

The main thing, is to not get hoovered back in when the narc circles back. And IME they always do.

Oh. And block. Ruthlessly. Everywhere. They’re poisonous.

Because in his world, you aren't real. It's like a video game- he's the one with the power and choices, he's the player. Your job is to be the supporting character.

Obviously that isn't actually true, it's unsustainable and unhealthy. Thing is, you have the opportunity to move on to real relationships, he never will. And everyone he's involved with will pay for it.

Pity his (future?) kids. They have a narc parent- now that's hard to move on from!

@picklemewalnuts he has 3 children from his previous relationships and I would say the eldest is following in his dads footsteps xx

I was discarded with a "I'm not in love with you and never have been" after 5 years together. This was over the phone when I asked him how he felt about me. He was cold and callous, but he was cold and emotionless throughout the relationship and I ignored many red flags, including belittling my home, car, interests etc. Everything he did was better. I've had to have counselling and my counsellor has made me see I've had a lucky escape. This man has had many relationships. This one was his longest and I thought it'd be different for him this time. Sadly, not. He's looking for someone to live up to his high standards, he wants someone perfect like him.

Thanks everyone, i did so much for him over the 5 and a half years, helped him stop drinking, helped him clear debts and probably made him a more stable person. My self esteem completely went and I only realised when talking to a counsellor that I had been a victim of abuse. The consistently never apologising, sarcastic remarks, the silent treatments and sulks etc I thought were just the way he was. He did once tell me he felt horrible inside and was very insecure (that should have been a red flag) x

I really feel for you OP. I was discarded (as was our toddler) after 15 years in the most cruel and brutal fashion. I hadn't realised that my ex-h was a narc until I had extensive psychotherapy after years of abuse from him and OW. OW is also a narc and actually shows psychopathic traits including cruelty to animals. I suspect he's met his match. However, judging by the absolutely horrendous physical state he was in when I last saw him, it's not a good thing!

As a PP said, I have tried to accept that it wasn't me, there was nothing I could have done about the endless affairs that have since come to light, that no amount of supporting or "fixing" this man would have made an iota of difference. I've tried to accept that there were happy times and good memories and it wasn't all tainted. Above all, he can no longer damage our child. The stress they caused me almost definitely contributed to the cancer I ended up with. The damage to my physical health was enormous. None of it is worth it. I think you have to accept you won't get closure. However accepting that takes away their power. They know how much you need it and it's yet another tool to beat you with.

You've had a lucky escape, in a relatively short period of time. Don't look back. It has put me off pursuing another relationship because I no longer trust my judgement but I'm at peace with that now.

I wish you peace and happiness going forward

The narcissist can never really love anyone so you can take some comfort (if that's the right word) in the fact that he chose you. They will normally go for empathetic, caring, self-assured individuals. Yes, they will erode that self-assuredness over time, but your self-esteem will return fairly quickly now that you are free from the arsehole, as you sound grounded, loving and aware.

@Teatimes2 mine went to stay at his mums for 2 weeks supposedly because he was depressed, in that 2 weeks he played mind games with me and finally ended it by text message saying he had fallen out of love with me and I was insecure etc when he had made me that way x

@TheBoreOfHabilon

The narcissist can never really love anyone so you can take some comfort (if that's the right word) in the fact that he chose you. They will normally go for empathetic, caring, self-assured individuals. Yes, they will erode that self-assuredness over time, but your self-esteem will return fairly quickly now that you are free from the arsehole, as you sound grounded, loving and aware.

My ex used to go in and on about "love". How it "wasn't enough", there was no pleasing him. He wanted and expected the honeymoon phase to last forever. The truth is, these people have absolutely zero clue as to what love is because they are incapable of it. I am sure we all experienced the "love bombing" at the start but that's all they have. They are utterly incapable of maintaining normal relationships. It's sad really, it must be awful being them

[quote JLBear12]@Teatimes2 mine went to stay at his mums for 2 weeks supposedly because he was depressed, in that 2 weeks he played mind games with me and finally ended it by text message saying he had fallen out of love with me and I was insecure etc when he had made me that way x[/quote]
Yes he gaslighted you into believing it was your fault. Standard.

@TheFormidableMrsC there were a lot of things i was blamed for like being controlling or moody when I wasnt. Is that gaslighting too, making me believe something that isnt true xx

What really upsets me was he was a stepdad to my disabled daughter for over 5 years and just left with no goodbye or anything to her, is that the lack of empathy showing through xx

[quote JLBear12]@TheFormidableMrsC there were a lot of things i was blamed for like being controlling or moody when I wasnt. Is that gaslighting too, making me believe something that isnt true xx[/quote]
Yes it is. They are also the masters of projection. I literally can't imagine how their brains work. For example, we had to go to court over our DS. My ex and OW wrote out court papers and statements listing out in great detail all the utterly horrific things they had done to me and my child...as if I had done them . It was the most bizarre thing. Ex could not provide any supporting evidence for any of it but I could. It didn't end well for them. They are truly evil these people.

@JLBear12

What really upsets me was he was a stepdad to my disabled daughter for over 5 years and just left with no goodbye or anything to her, is that the lack of empathy showing through xx

Yes they just discard. My ex did it to our own child. His own flesh and blood 🤷🏻‍♀️

Guess there isnt much point in being jealous of the new woman he has then?x

@JLBear12

Guess there isnt much point in being jealous of the new woman he has then?x

Nope. They always have somebody lined up. Always. They can't be on their own, they need the "supply". She'll be you eventually. You should feel pity for her really. The best thing you can do for yourself and your child is get some counselling and get on with your life. Block him on absolutely everything so there is no chance of him triangulating or hoovering you back in. Your silence is your most powerful weapon (took me far too long to realise that). Go and have the life you deserve and be glad you're away from this piece of shit.

@JLBear12 please watch someone called Dr Ramani on YouTube. There’s also a great guy called Matt phifer coaching. Bite sized videos talking you through various aspects re the narc.

It really helped me process and understand things.

But in terms of your questions? I 100% agree with @TheFormidableMrsC in her answers.

Don’t be jealous of the new woman, feel sorry for her. I do (you’ll get there trust me).

Re your daughter? I’m sorry, that must be very upsetting. But yes. Also very common. They will discard when no longer useful/ meet their needs.

Rewriting history? Yes, gaslighting and rewriting a narrative to suit them is very common.

I’m also wrapping my head around the fact that I now realise my exp was cheating on me throughout the relationship. Emotionally certainly. Physically? Towards the end? 100%, unsure (and it’s largely irrelevant now). It’s about supply as has already been mentioned. I watched a great vid on this only last week, I’ll link it if I can find it.

I know you’re sad and heartbroken and confused. Take it from those of us who are ahead of you on this path, life is 100 times better without these toxic people in your life. I’m a different person, I wish I had figured it our sooner than I did. But I didn’t and now? I’m just so happy to be out.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=O4MDk5OvUVk

Honestly, watch the above. He puts things so brilliantly (wait for the iPhone analogy).

@sassbott thank you so much, my ex was such an attention seeker and when you added alcohol to the mix it got so much worse. I now believe that alcohol brought out the real person, he would tell people how he had cancer (what the hell) try to cheat and occasionally threaten suicide. I thought it was the alcohol but sorry no normal person does that. He would like to chat to women who he said were just friends on Facebook and the only reason he hid it was because supposedly I was 'insecure and would kick off' and he was definitely cheating in the end as I was replaced immediately xx

@JLBear12 I'm in a very similar situation to you. I was dumped by text message nearly a month ago. I wasn't even given a reason. We were together 4.5 years. I haven't heard from him again. He shoved what stuff he had of mine through my cat flap last week, even though I was in the house. Not only has he suddenly walked away from me with no warning, but also my 6 year old DS who saw him as step dad. I also received silent treatment, sulks, he never apologised, he accused of being moody when I didn't think I was. I could go on! I think he told me he loved me only twice throughout the whole relationship. It's only after speaking to people on here, a few sessions of counselling and watching lots of YouTube that I've started to realise he has lots of narcissistic traits. I'm sorry you're going through this too

Finally, I wouldn’t wish a narc upon my worst enemy. But now I’ve met one and gotten unentangled from them, it’s been a brutal but valuable life lesson. I didn’t realise people like this walked amongst us, now I know - this knowledge and awareness will help me. Not only in dating, but in my career and personal life

These are wise words, very wise … but can I ask … what exactly is a narc? I’ve read a lot about narcissistic personality disorder as I think an ex had it … but it seems very common on Mumsnet. How do people hide it so well? How can someone go from seeming normal etc to someone to be blocked and cut out completely? I’m just confused by how common it seems to be. I didn’t think personality disorders were as common as they appear to be on Mumsnet.