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Original poster

How do you come to terms with the fact that the narciasist never really loved you

328 replies

JLBear12 · 31/01/2022 08:45

I am 3 months out of a relationship with someone who displayed a lot of narcissistic traits. He discarded me for another woman, how do you come to terms, in your mind, that the entire relationship with just a lie its driving me mad.

OP posts:
Nouveaunew · 01/02/2022 21:12

@JLBear12
Aw I’m sorry. That’s horrible. Flowers

beesfeet · 01/02/2022 21:16

[quote JLBear12]**@beesfeet* no I dont speak to him, I had 6 weeks no contact but had to speak to him over a car matter and it set me back to square one in my healing. He had a maintenance business and has decided to quit it and has left me with loads of tools etc to sort out, cement mixer and everything to which he said you paid for them, you f*king sell them.[/quote]
Yes this is what I fear so I'm no contact and he's only speaking to my mum in regards to anything that needs discussing.

We are very similar, i too feel for the new girl. Apparently she has bipolar so not sure how long that will last with a narc. He no doubt will be moving in with her asap, getting his foot in the door. He cannot be alone...he has to have someone to depend on. It's such a confusing place for us but we just need to remember that he's her problem now. Not ours. We did our bit, we did our best but it will never be enough because they will never change.

Original poster
JLBear12 · 01/02/2022 21:16

@Nouveaunew my little girl suffered awful with anxiety for the last 8 months and since he has gone, she is so much better x

OP posts:
Original poster
JLBear12 · 01/02/2022 21:19

@beesfeet what scares me is that if he hadnt have left me, I would still be stuck in it getting more and more anxious. I am on anxiety meds now and sleeping pills because I cannot settle at all. Stay complete no contact especially if you are like me and suffering with the chemical addiction x

OP posts:
ConfusedNoMore · 01/02/2022 21:27

Hello. I was married to a narc. It blew up spectacularly seven years ago (ConfusedNC was my username then.... changed it once I made sense of what happened). @TheFormidableMrsC was a big support back then in my threads and another wonderful poster.

I think it's part of the grieving process to try and make sense of it. I felt very much like my life had been a lie. Eventually I stopped looking back. I can even speak to him and not feel anything these days. I don't hate him or pity him or like him. I just accept he's there because he's my son's father.

I certainly felt for a long time that he never loved me and he actively hated me. But his rage subsided eventually. I now think he probably 'loved' me as much as he could love anyone. No, it's not a real love but I don't think I care one way or the other now. If he did or didn't love me, it wasn't about me.

beesfeet · 01/02/2022 21:30

[quote JLBear12]@beesfeet what scares me is that if he hadnt have left me, I would still be stuck in it getting more and more anxious. I am on anxiety meds now and sleeping pills because I cannot settle at all. Stay complete no contact especially if you are like me and suffering with the chemical addiction x[/quote]
Yes I cannot contact him, especially as he's in a new relationship. It just hurts. Our marriage vows ment nothing. The minute he shouted at me because my mental health was low was the minute i knew I had to leave.

I'm sure you would of got to that point of leaving op. But maybe try count yourself blessings that's it's done. You've saved many months/years of your life being under his spell

Original poster
JLBear12 · 01/02/2022 21:45

@beesfeet thanks its very early days in the recovery for me, I wont go to the shops in case I see him, I go upstairs to bed as soon as my little girl goes to bed and watch box sets, I literally hide away whilst I recover. I have good friends who check in and I speak to counsellors but doing too much drives my anxiety to sky rocket. I will get there eventually xx

OP posts:
beesfeet · 01/02/2022 21:52

[quote JLBear12]@beesfeet thanks its very early days in the recovery for me, I wont go to the shops in case I see him, I go upstairs to bed as soon as my little girl goes to bed and watch box sets, I literally hide away whilst I recover. I have good friends who check in and I speak to counsellors but doing too much drives my anxiety to sky rocket. I will get there eventually xx[/quote]
You will and so will I.

@ConfusedNoMore post says it all. And her name actually! Look at all his ex's - they've all survived and got over it. I'm good friends with one of them and she's past caring. We are just in this now and it's absolutely crap but we have to go through this to get to the other side x

Fantasea · 01/02/2022 22:07

OP, it's very early days and as you say, you will get there. To a narcissist you aren't really a person, just an object. Every situation is about them and they think they are central in everyone else's world. It's not you, and once I came to terms with this (several years ago now), it becomes a little easier. Time is the healer, soon you will pity the OW, but she will be eventually discarded in his quest for someone newer and shinier to boost his ego.

beesfeet · 01/02/2022 22:14

@Fantasea

OP, it's very early days and as you say, you will get there. To a narcissist you aren't really a person, just an object. Every situation is about them and they think they are central in everyone else's world. It's not you, and once I came to terms with this (several years ago now), it becomes a little easier. Time is the healer, soon you will pity the OW, but she will be eventually discarded in his quest for someone newer and shinier to boost his ego.
I agree with this. My ExH always referee to me as 'my wife' whenever he begged me to come back. It was 'I just want my wife back' constantly. 'I'm trying to fight for 'my wife'. Never called me by my name or never ever said 'I just want you back'. I began to realise that he doesn't see me as a person. He sees me as an object that belongs to him.
HiKelsey · 01/02/2022 22:21

I think Daisy's comment is bang on. I've just got out of a 5 year relationship with my ex husband that "loved " me. I can't understand any of his decisions he made the ended our relationship and I've met someone new who is amazing and helping me move on. But I've found accepting the fact you'll never get any answers is the beginning of healing. My ex broke our daughter's rib at 6 week old and hid it from everyone. He then made me out to be the problem and then he decided he CBA with court so stopped contact. Yet he still has all his social media pictures as him with our daughter. He has someone new and I hope she sees the real him quicker than I did!

You've been through a lot, but when you step out and see the relationship from the outside everything makes just a little more sense x

2022newyrnewme · 01/02/2022 22:34

5yrs..sulky man child behaviour..has now silenced me for months, so I’ve let him.
It’s very hard and I’m made myself ill trying to work it out but I’ve realised I can’t.
It’s the other people they affect that upsets me. Always about themselves.

Fantasea · 01/02/2022 22:35

OP, I understand what you say about not wanting to go to the shops in case he sees you. I became so anxious after mine left that I imagined he was outside the front door. This eases with time, you can't rush it along. It's like any grief, you will mourn what you should have had but never could have had with this man. When you find yourself thinking about some of the major upsets you've had with him, think about how he just made it all about him and this will give you some clarity. My ex shouted at me whilst I was in labour because I 'wasn't doing as I was told' and that obviously didn't suit him.

Mischance · 01/02/2022 22:37

You tell yourself that he might not have loved you, but that you are lovable.

You picked a wrong'un - but that does not make you wrong, or unworthy or undeserving of love.

Walk away and move on.

Nouveaunew · 01/02/2022 22:46

It’s all so sad … but we live to fight on and fight on we shall.

@JLBear12 it’s understandable you watch boxsets at night (don’t we all Grin). After my ex suddenly dumped me after planning a future with me and appeared like it didn’t bother him in the least, I became physically ill for a week and I remember being capable of little more than lying down bingewatching a boxset. And taking medication is important in taking care of yourself. I’m on meds too and they help so much. I’m glad to hear your daughter’s anxiety improved after he left. Flowers

I’m listening to a good podcast about codependency and I’m finding it so helpful. Decades later I’m looking at my own patterns and rescuing behaviour and hoping the next relationship will be a good one where I maintain myself - but I’m in no rush to have it!

Wishing everyone in recovery healing CakeStar

irishoak · 02/02/2022 08:09

@beesfeet I've been reading this thread with interest and recognising so behaviours of my ex but what you mentioned about being "my wife" rather than a person in your own right - YES! If anything ever troubled me, it was all about how hard things were for him, how much it hurt him, that these things should happen to "his wife".

Original poster
JLBear12 · 02/02/2022 08:28

My hardest bit is getting my head round hes a narcissist, he ticks all the boxes etc and is incredibly selfish and immature, always right, massive passive aggressive behaviours but still my brain wont click the jigsaw pieces in place xx

OP posts:
2022newyrnewme · 02/02/2022 08:49

@JLBear12 I feel the same. It’s very hard to have spent so much time with someone supposedly loving to now have to process that they aren’t them. It’s like being brainwashed.

beesfeet · 02/02/2022 09:16

[quote irishoak]@beesfeet I've been reading this thread with interest and recognising so behaviours of my ex but what you mentioned about being "my wife" rather than a person in your own right - YES! If anything ever troubled me, it was all about how hard things were for him, how much it hurt him, that these things should happen to "his wife".[/quote]
Oh absolutely, he did it the other day to my mum in regards to childcare. Still referred to me as 'my wife'. He's still not learnt anything.

Every single message he sent- and there are literally hundreds - while he was harassing me refers to myself as 'my wife'. If he actually said 'I just want you back beesfeet' it might of made a slight difference - like he was recognising me as who I am! But probably not as he's just the biggest wanker you could ever wish to meet 😂

My therapist agreed 100% that he doesn't see me as a human being with feelings. He sees me purely as an object that belongs to him. Especially as I made the huge mistake of marrying him. He also called our marriage 'my marriage' many times Hmm

beesfeet · 02/02/2022 09:18

@JLBear12

My hardest bit is getting my head round hes a narcissist, he ticks all the boxes etc and is incredibly selfish and immature, always right, massive passive aggressive behaviours but still my brain wont click the jigsaw pieces in place xx
Morning @JLBear12

Hope you're feeling ok today, I can see you sent me a message but I can't log into my account to see - I only use the app and I don't think you can check messages on there?

Will get back to you, hope you are ok x

starylight · 02/02/2022 09:25

@JLBear12 I'd find it interesting to know what makes them a narcissist and not just a selfish, mean, arse?! My ex ticks a lot of the boxes but I can't work out if he was just horrible part of the time or was an actual narcissist.

J7510 · 02/02/2022 09:42

I am 6 years out of the relationship.
It takes a long time to work it out,and grieve for a relationship which began with a lot of promise and ended with devastating consequences.
It is hard not to wonder if I was to blame because he always told me the problem was me.

I drove myself crazy trying to work out the truth because his truth was different to the full truth.
I know I function so much better without him but doesn't stop me missing bits.Confused

Original poster
JLBear12 · 02/02/2022 09:55

@starylight to be honest if your man seemed to be emotionally immature, cant and wont solve problems in the relationship, shows little care for your needs and wants and always put themselves first, failure to apologise and blaming others and a habitual liar then you are looking at a narc. Basically they are children in a adult body. Also emotionally immature people can be damaging to you anyway. My ex used to say he hated himself inside and was really insecure. He was sarcastic, belittling, immature, handed out silent treatments, always had to be his way, never apologised, lazy, irresponsible with money and incredibly selfish. My friends tell me I didnt notice a lot of stuff x

OP posts:
Orgasmagorical · 02/02/2022 20:01

Mine did the my wife thing. So many times I've had the words "You're my WIFE!" said in answer to all manner of things I had said to him.

I was relieved when we split up so couldn't understand why I was so upset. I went to a psychotherapist recommended by a friend in the hope of hurrying my grief along and he said immediately that the ex is a narcissist. He ticked all but one of the boxes. I'd been beginning to suspect while we were still together but couldn't do much research on it because he made sure that I thought he could see everything I was looking at on the internet. The stuff I have learned since though has been so enlightening.

I think somebody said near the start of the thread that his next victim will be you now. My therapist, when I told him about all the things the 'friend' was doing when she came to our house, said that she wanted to be me. Thinking about it, it made sense. She changed her hair, took up a hobby I do (not cycling Wink) and various other things that I'll not go into just now. So she is me now, she's his current victim and to begin with I thought she deserved everything she got because it's never okay for fuck a married man, but she believed his lies, as I did over all the years (not that he was in a relationship when I met him). I actually worry for her now.

Original poster
JLBear12 · 02/02/2022 22:25

I have since found out my ex narc had a relationship with a man before he met me, I was horrified but on doing some research it turns out it's not that rare as they are sexually preferenced fluid. Blows my mind but now I have to book an appointment for a full sti screen, bring on the humiliation xx

OP posts: