Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do you come to terms with the fact that the narciasist never really loved you

328 replies

JLBear12 · 31/01/2022 08:45

I am 3 months out of a relationship with someone who displayed a lot of narcissistic traits. He discarded me for another woman, how do you come to terms, in your mind, that the entire relationship with just a lie its driving me mad.

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 01/02/2022 18:25

I don't know.

JLBear12 · 01/02/2022 18:29

@Nouveaunew to me the greatest sign is the lack of empathy, blame shifting and inability to apologise. People who can walk away from children without a backward glance are severely lacking empathy. My ex had an elder son who whenever tried to contact him blocked him on all platforms. There was no reason for it, it just didnt suit his agenda x

OP posts:
beesfeet · 01/02/2022 18:45

[quote JLBear12]@Nouveaunew to me the greatest sign is the lack of empathy, blame shifting and inability to apologise. People who can walk away from children without a backward glance are severely lacking empathy. My ex had an elder son who whenever tried to contact him blocked him on all platforms. There was no reason for it, it just didnt suit his agenda x[/quote]
My ex shouted at me the day before i gave birth to our son (he was a c section) because I wanted to pop to my mums and give my 2 older children a cuddle - she was looking after them while i was in hospital. He shouted at me in front of a room of people. Never apologised. I ran upstairs and locked myself in the bathroom.

Didn't have the empathy to understand I was petrified of having major surgery the next day and felt I needed to just pop and see my kids who were 5 minutes away from where we were. I've never got over that. His daughter witnessed it and was in tears as much as I was. It was just disgusting.

beesfeet · 01/02/2022 18:46

But I had absolutely no idea I was dealing with a narcissist then. I just thought the way to live was to constantly walk on egg shells and keep him happy at all times HmmConfused

KintsugiForever · 01/02/2022 18:57

I've been in two relationships with narcissists...exH who was diagnosed with NPD, and I believe my ex boyfriend was one too but I ended that relationship after 7 months when I was convinced enough by the patterns of behaviour.

I'm not really totally at peace yet with either relationship if I'm honest. I'm 5 months into counselling though and it's incredibly helpful unpicking why I ignored red flags and so on. The best way I explain it to myself is that I fell in love with an act, a con, a dream. But as someone else has already said, that doesn't take any validity away from the depth of that feeling just because these men were fake, my feelings weren't.

I'm also seeing that as painful as these relationships are, they can be a gift because you learn SO MUCH about yourself. You can't unsee or unfeel certain things anymore; you spot signs and you are more self aware. Yes you lose innocence to a certain degree, but it gives you the opportunity to live a fuller life once you've healed.

Narcissists are very good at spotting what matters to you most during the love bombing phase (when they do their research on you) and they hold that up as a virtue but when they start to devalue, that's the things they will use to hurt you with....because they know what makes you tick. For me it was my children and career....both of those are the things most important to me. And both were eventually criticised and ridiculed.

It's the most insidious relationship to be in as it invades your soul but...they choose the things to tear you down that secretly they envy you for. Remember that the person they make you out to be at the end is really the person they are inside. They will never be anywhere near as vibrant, strong and courageous as you.

JLBear12 · 01/02/2022 19:00

@beesfeet I ended up never saying no to anything letting him do what he wanted whenever he wanted. I was anxious all the time and paranoid and insecure. I didn't know why until I realised thats what he was doing to me. He was more a covert narc x

OP posts:
sassbott · 01/02/2022 19:08

I think this quote is superb.

How do you come to terms with the fact that the narciasist never really loved you
Orgasmagorical · 01/02/2022 19:18

Beautifully put, KintsugiForever.

ReadySteadyTwins · 01/02/2022 19:20

It's the most insidious relationship to be in as it invades your soul but...they choose the things to tear you down that secretly they envy you for. Remember that the person they make you out to be at the end is really the person they are inside. They will never be anywhere near as vibrant, strong and courageous as you.

I really needed to read this Flowers

starylight · 01/02/2022 19:33

@KintsugiForever What a great post! It's interesting you said they choose the things to tear you down that secretly they envy you for. My ex used to make fun of the fact I went to private school, that my family are financially comfortable, that I would choose to buy things from John Lewis or Waitrose. It was really very critical and would make me feel like crap but he would say I was being sensitive if I pulled him up on it Hmm

CheesePlantMurderer · 01/02/2022 19:42

For me it was doing the Freedom programme as it is domestic abuse. It's helped me hugely. But I've done it twice as first time I still so desperately wanted him to return to me. And he did. And I let him for a short while but what I'd learned showed me it would not last and it didn't!
Please look it up xx

KintsugiForever · 01/02/2022 20:00

@starylight Yes I had the 'you can't take a joke' or 'you're too sensitive' every time I said something had upset me. He even said 'oh dear you really haven't quite got my sense of humour yet, have you? You'll learn' . 😒

Hard to cope when the nicest person ever becomes the worst, almost overnight. But the one at the end is the real them. You stay on in the relationship chasing the 'ghost' you saw at the start. That person can't ever return because they weren't ever real.

Angrymum22 · 01/02/2022 20:02

I think that narcissism is neurodeficit condition. Narcissists are not made they just are. They learn how to appear normal so that they often fit in. I don’t think that they a inherently evil and what they do to others is indefensible, but it is just who they are. Their internal thought process is set up differently. Which is why they cannot identify as a narc.
My MIL is a narc. She doesn’t mean to hurt those around her and when you first meet her she is charming and loving, but something inside her is missing. She doesn’t understand how to feel other peoples emotion, for example she doesn’t cry/react to soppy films, her emotions are reserved for her and her alone. She has learnt how to fake it but often mocks others when they become emotional. She can be kind and generous but not with her feelings. My SIL and I were commenting on which popular songs reduced us to tears, MIL just didn’t understand why we would feel such strong emotions listening to a song or piece of music.
I cannot imagine not being moved to tears by the abstract.
Unfortunately they find it easy to control people because of their total lack of empathy and conscience. Many women/men fall for the love bombing because that is what we are conditioned to need when falling in love. Just look at Valentines Day and the competitiveness around how much your boyfriend loves you. Being conditioned to seek out the most demonstrative boyfriend surrounds us.
We need to start with realistic expectations from a normal relationship. If your DP doesn’t shower you with flowers and gifts and “love” when you first start seeing each other then you are probably with a non- narc. Someone who is cautious with their feelings and yours is likely to be empathic and not a narc. Showing off is a strong narc trait. All these things are strong signs that your new partner is normal.

JLBear12 · 01/02/2022 20:12

@Angrymum22 mine came in like a wrecking ball, gestures of love and kindness, he didnt have much money so gifts werent really a thing. Had to be with me all the time, proposal after 3 months. Typical narc behaviour x

OP posts:
JLBear12 · 01/02/2022 20:15

@KintsugiForever I also had the you're too sensitive and wheres your sense of humour comments, if I was upset over something and wanted to talk or if I had a problem with the relationship and tried to discuss it, I was treated to a lengthy silent treatment with glares x

OP posts:
beesfeet · 01/02/2022 20:17

[quote JLBear12]@Angrymum22 mine came in like a wrecking ball, gestures of love and kindness, he didnt have much money so gifts werent really a thing. Had to be with me all the time, proposal after 3 months. Typical narc behaviour x[/quote]
Same, he proposed after 8 months but began talking about marriage pretty quickly. After our first date I couldn't get rid of him. I remember one night telling him I wouldn't mind a night to myself. He turned it all around on me and said he would let me have a night to myself so I would miss him. It was nothing about missing him, I just wanted a night to myself! Again I couldn't see how wrong it was at the time.

JLBear12 · 01/02/2022 20:35

@beesfeet I found out that before my ex was with me, he had been with someone for 9 months and had just blocked her!!! Least i was treated to a bullshit excuse of 'I fell out of love with you' He had actually found a new source of supply without a disabled child, path of least resistance x

OP posts:
beesfeet · 01/02/2022 20:43

[quote JLBear12]@beesfeet I found out that before my ex was with me, he had been with someone for 9 months and had just blocked her!!! Least i was treated to a bullshit excuse of 'I fell out of love with you' He had actually found a new source of supply without a disabled child, path of least resistance x[/quote]
So sorry. It's so awful. My husbands on the new girlfriend already. Just a week after he told me he still loved me. I can't really cope with it but have no choice but to go no contact whatsoever and it's helping. Are you still in touch with your ex? Sorry if I've missed that part

starylight · 01/02/2022 20:46

@JLBear12 It's the worst, isn't it? Getting no closure. My ex just text me and said that he'd basically had enough of me. One sentence, one text. No reasons given and no warnings beforehand. Not had a single message from him again. It's really hard to get your head around!

Nouveaunew · 01/02/2022 20:48

it's incredibly helpful unpicking why I ignored red flags and so on
I did this too and I did it because I’m codependent. I am programmed to try to be the helper. It’s a common pattern: the narc and the codependent apparently.

Nouveaunew · 01/02/2022 20:50

The way some of you describe narcs sounds very similar to the definition of psychopaths — complete lack of empathy etc.

My former boss was a narc according to my therapist but sometimes I think she was just incredibly selfish and self-centred.

JLBear12 · 01/02/2022 21:01

@beesfeet no I dont speak to him, I had 6 weeks no contact but had to speak to him over a car matter and it set me back to square one in my healing. He had a maintenance business and has decided to quit it and has left me with loads of tools etc to sort out, cement mixer and everything to which he said you paid for them, you f**king sell them.

OP posts:
JLBear12 · 01/02/2022 21:04

@starylight I feel quite sorry for the new girl because she knew I existed and still went for him, she has no idea what she has let herself in for. I know he currently is earning loads so she will be blindsided by the money but hes crap with it so he will get his feet under the table at her house and then she will have to support him whilst having her whole sense of self wiped out x

OP posts:
JLBear12 · 01/02/2022 21:06

@Nouveaunew it's the definition of all personality disorders the lack of empathy. I now know why my ex could sleep like the dead, because he had no conscience so nothing worried him x

OP posts:
JLBear12 · 01/02/2022 21:07

@Nouveaunew I too am co dependent which I am working on, he must have rubbed his hands in glee with me, co dependent with a disabled child so I was easy to control because I stay in the house a lot x

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread