How do you come to terms with the fact that the narciasist never really loved you

[JLBear12]

I am 3 months out of a relationship with someone who displayed a lot of narcissistic traits. He discarded me for another woman, how do you come to terms, in your mind, that the entire relationship with just a lie its driving me mad.

@babbi @beesfeet

@Nouveaunew re loss of desire for all men? Give yourself time and be really kind to yourself. Don’t worry about that right now. I haven’t lost desire for men (at all), but I also cannot be in a relationship for a good period of time. Until I have worked on myself/ my self confidence/ established firm boundaries I don’t trust myself to pick a healthy partner.

Give it time. And all of that desire and energy you’d pour into a man/ partner? Pour it into yourself. It’s what I’m trying to do. 😬

Oh and for anyone who wants insight on how different ‘brains’ operate and how masking happens? Read confessions of a sociopath. Superbly written, very insightful and I admire the author for their honesty. It was eye opening.

Thanks @sassbott
I’ve had so many bad experiences with men that I do worry that I’ll never be intimate with a man again. It takes a long time to even process the damage.

I love this that you wrote

And all of that desire and energy you’d pour into a man/ partner? Pour it into yourself. It’s what I’m trying to do

That is exactly what I’d like to do. I get lonely but I guess we need to be strong alone first

[quote JLBear12]@sassbott nicely put, I also think some people mistake emotionally immaturity for narcissim as they are so closely linked (both toxic however) The biggest part for me to label my ex as a narc was the sheer lack of emotional empathy, he just did not have it at all. Also the lack of genuine remorse for anything x[/quote]
Absolutely. I was shouted at just before and after childbirth. He couldn't stand the attention being on me. It was too much.

There are times when I feel sorry for these sorts of people, it really is no way to live happily but there's only so much we can do before we burn out emotionally and mentally. It's like being their carers burnout is a real thing and that's what my gp said I was experiencing when I left. It can take 1-2 years to recover from.

@sassbott I think a lot of people dont realise what is really going on until they are at burnout. I told my ex how I felt and he replied with 'I brought you down to my level' it was awful but a lot of narcs dont even realise what they are doing, its automatic. I find H G Tudor on YouTube to be incredibly insightful x

@picklemewalnuts

Because in his world, you aren't real. It's like a video game- he's the one with the power and choices, he's the player. Your job is to be the supporting character.

Obviously that isn't actually true, it's unsustainable and unhealthy. Thing is, you have the opportunity to move on to real relationships, he never will. And everyone he's involved with will pay for it.

Pity his (future?) kids. They have a narc parent- now that's hard to move on from!

A narc parent is indeed hard to move on from!

@Nouveaunew

It’s horrid looking back on it. I’m worried that I’ve lost all desire for men. I honestly worry about that.

Very early on, the narc ex sent a mushy text meant for me to his recent ex. In hindsight I wonder about that!

I had that, the text thing 🙄

@Nouveaunew

Thanks *@sassbott* I’ve had so many bad experiences with men that I do worry that I’ll never be intimate with a man again. It takes a long time to even process the damage.

I love this that you wrote

And all of that desire and energy you’d pour into a man/ partner? Pour it into yourself. It’s what I’m trying to do

That is exactly what I’d like to do. I get lonely but I guess we need to be strong alone first

All of this is exactly what I'm doing. Enough is enough. I need to concentrate on me and my children. I haven't seen my ex for two years now and I hope that continues. It's not a shame for my child, he was an awful parent and he's better off out of DS's life. DS is devastated but I've ensured he's had plenty of support and counselling and he knows how loved he is by me. I am so glad my ex's poison won't impact on him going forward.

I wish we could all sit down and have a few drinks, goodness we'd have some tales to tell!

Solidarity with you all.

Look forwards. He's not in your future, and unless you think that what he thinks/thought of you should be a focal point of your entire life, you need to stop making him the focal point. 'How do I stop feeling x/y/z about him' is focussed on him, still. 'How do I stop having feelings about him?' is focussed on him.

Start focussing on you: 'What shall I start doing to distract me from having thoughts I don't want?', 'What can I do to fill my time so that I'm too busy to obsess about anything?'

Accept that you are so very different from him that you will never understand him, and, unless you want to be more like him, that's a good thing: that's a compliment to you. You are not capable of even understanding such unpleasantness.

I have spent a good chunk of my adult life loving a Narcissist.
(sadly primed by a Narc parent)
I met him aged 19. We parted end of last year. There was a gap in the middle, but my username gives an idea of how long lasting it's been.
I am still very cut up and I would do anything to make it work between us. Perhaps shamefully, I did. But it was not enough.

Although there were happy times, and I felt he loved me, it was never solid, never real. I was just a mirror, a pond, a reflection of him for himself. I adored him and that made him feel better about himself.

I do know he will never be happy.
He described to me, many times, how frustrated he was 'going around the same circuit of relationships which were unsatisfying for the woman involved and for me too'. He is 72 now. He poddles along, with his Harem (oh, yes...). But he despises them. He despises himself deep down. It's really sad. I too have done some pretty sad things. But I have the chance to change and improve and grow in my life. Because I know I need to, I'll keep trying: I'll get there eventually.
And I won't hurt anyone on the way.

I too was in a relationship with a narcissist and was discarded for someone else after being together for 2 years. I only found out on social media when I saw a photo of the 2 of them together. I think I came to realise that him and every other narcissist are not capable of ever loving anyone because they are just empty shells who see people as objects. Since the ending of my relationship with the narcissist he has discarded 2 more women and I know the cycle will just keep repeating itself. What helped me was learning as much about narcissists as I could. I watch a great you tube channel called 'Narcology Unscriped ' that's from a guy called Dave that has been through narcissistic abuse himself

Above all I had to not internalise things and realise that it wasn't my fault that I was discarded and that he didn't love me, when I was first discarded I blamed myself because my self esteem was so low, but it all comes down to the fact that they cannot love pure and simple

Thinking of you. Be kind to yourself

I’m just confused by how common it seems to be. I didn’t think personality disorders were as common as they appear to be on Mumsnet.

Give that narcissists make up 1 percent of the population, there are a hell of a lot of people out there who have a story to tell about them. Mumsnet has 100 million visitors every year, obviously not all of them sign up to the forum but you can see how there could be easily thousands of people who want to post on a popular advice forum about dealing with narcissists.

Although there were happy times, and I felt he loved me, it was never solid, never real. I was just a mirror, a pond, a reflection of him for himself. I adored him and that made him feel better about himself

The mirror thing is spot on and I hadn’t put it together with the fable of Narcissus and the pond before - duh! I’ve described myself as being his mirror - that as long as I reflected back to him how wonderful he was then I was doing my job, but the minute I reflected back to him any flaws then he would be furious because what’s the point of a mirror that doesn’t show you in your best light? He wanted to be the “fairest of them all” and when sometimes I told him that he wasn’t he’d be absolutely awful to me.

@DaisyStPatience

I drove myself mad wondering how I'd ever get closure. It came in the form of just accepting that I would never get it. You're still very early on in the healing process. It takes time. You will get there. I realise now that my narc ex is ill and is sadly missing that part of the brain which makes us rounded, full human beings. He may have hurt you but you will heal whereas he never can. He will go through life repeating this pattern but you're free now.

I found this so helpful. I too spent months trying to unravel and clarify things he'd said to get closure. However accepting you won't get closure, or that you don't care about getting it is closure in itself. Also really helpful to think that you can heal but that he won't. Like the proverbial rotten apple he will go on deeply unhappy with his own reflection, blaming and damaging all around him. The best healing is to see indifference to closure, as closure.

I’m just confused by how common it seems to be. I didn’t think personality disorders were as common as they appear to be on Mumsnet

Mumsnet isn't a cross section of the population. A very high proportion of people who post are posting because they're upset about something and need to talk about it. There's a lot of relationships that are barely referred to on MN... the happy ones, the peaceful ones, the drama free ones... they simply don't need to post. I think 'Avoid relationships that make you want to post about them on MN' is quite good relationship advice!

It’s not as common as people assume. It always seems to be diagnosed when a partner wants to end a relationship. Just because someone isn’t in love with you doesn’t mean they are incapable of love. Also there are just as many women who have narcissistic tendencies and you can often spot them by their posts on my mumsnet.

I think reframing it to be about what they are not capable of helps. A narcissist doesn't want to be that way; they just are that way.

He isn't capable of loving anyone because of his narcissism, so he didn't not love you, he isn't capable of loving anyone.

To me, that makes it about them and not me. It isn't your failing, it is theirs.

@HappyAsASandboy

I think reframing it to be about what they are not capable of helps. A narcissist doesn't want to be that way; they just are that way.

He isn't capable of loving anyone because of his narcissism, so he didn't not love you, he isn't capable of loving anyone.

To me, that makes it about them and not me. It isn't your failing, it is theirs.

I absolutely agree with this. I cannot see a true love between my Nex and our son. If he cannot love his own child then he isn't capable of loving anyone at all.

It's all about who can meet their needs and boost their egos. This is the part that they actually love. Not the person inside.

@beesfeet I never really saw love between my ex and his 3 children, they seemed a hindrance a lot of time and everytime he did something with them it had to be posted on Facebook for 'likes' x

I think you have an idea if you were with a narcissist by the way you feel at the end, its not just confused, its complete and utter confusion, I have been left with a chemical addiction and a heightened state of anxiety which had to be treated with diazepam in the first few weeks xx

@Angrymum22

It’s not as common as people assume. It always seems to be diagnosed when a partner wants to end a relationship. Just because someone isn’t in love with you doesn’t mean they are incapable of love. Also there are just as many women who have narcissistic tendencies and you can often spot them by their posts on my mumsnet.

1) I ended my relationship. Because he was a narc and incapable or healthy life or empathy. Fact. 2) Second fact. He has continually tried to hoover me back in via a variety of techniques and is well into harassment territory. Which is also very common with a narc who has been discarded before they chose to discard. 3) Just because someone isn’t in love with you doesn’t mean they are incapable of love I’m not entirely sure what the point of this sentence is or what you’re trying to convey, but it reads as exceptionally patronising. I know my experience and the abuse I have been subjected to. So yes, IME, my exp is incapable of healthy love as I recognise it. Fact. 4) also there are just as many women who have narcisstic tendancies. Erm. Thank you for pointing out the obvious. Has anyone said women don’t? No.

What was the point of your post exactly?

also there are just as many women who have narcisstic tendancies.

Actually, there aren't. Men are diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder at twice the rate of women.

@Angrymum22 narcissism is far more prevalent than anyone really knows. You could never get exact figures as many narcissists do not know they are afflicted and unless they seek treatment for another reason, they never will. So the 1% that is stated online is vastly understated and in my opinion, if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck then it's a duck. All people who say they are affected by narcasstic abuse should be taken seriously as its soul destroying. Also 75% of all diagnosed npd are men x

[quote JLBear12]@Angrymum22 narcissism is far more prevalent than anyone really knows. You could never get exact figures as many narcissists do not know they are afflicted and unless they seek treatment for another reason, they never will. So the 1% that is stated online is vastly understated and in my opinion, if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck then it's a duck. All people who say they are affected by narcasstic abuse should be taken seriously as its soul destroying. Also 75% of all diagnosed npd are men x[/quote]
As my therapist says...she can spot a narc a mile off. She's had a fair few come to speak to her in her years of counselling but absolutely NONE of them ever had more than 2/3 sessions before either storming out or just not bothering to return.

It is extremely rare to diagnose a narc because to them they aren't the problem.

I suppose it can be hard to differentiate between someone who’s a bit (or a lot!) of an asshole and a narc . Some people aren’t that nice or considerate or can be sly or two faced but that doesn’t mean they’re narcs.

I’m pretty sure the ex I’ve mentioned here had full blown NPD as he had major mental health issues and problems in all of his relationships, not just romantic ones. He twisted things to make everything my fault even when he let me down or cancelled/forgot plans - still my fault. He lovebombed me in the beginning. He told me in the beginning that ‘you haven’t put a foot wrong.’ He made plans via text for months time one night and then dumped me over the phone the next day. After he dumped me, I was distraught. He asked if we could stay friends as he said I had had a great effect on his life. I could go on and on … it gets better/worse! He was the most f**ked up person I’ve ever been intimate with. Some not so sensitive friends have said or implied it was my fault for going out with him but they didn’t know him. They didn’t see how it worked.