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Original poster

How do you come to terms with the fact that the narciasist never really loved you

328 replies

JLBear12 · 31/01/2022 08:45

I am 3 months out of a relationship with someone who displayed a lot of narcissistic traits. He discarded me for another woman, how do you come to terms, in your mind, that the entire relationship with just a lie its driving me mad.

OP posts:
OneMoreNameChangeWontHurt · 02/02/2022 22:33

Been following this thread as it absolutely resonates with me. Op everything you have said about your ex I could have written myself. Your last post I find really interesting. My ex had been seeing men (and women) whilst with me. I’m interested if you can point me towards the research you have found about sexual fluidity? I think this is the one thing that I still can’t get my head around as he was always very adamantly straight if that makes sense?

Original poster
JLBear12 · 02/02/2022 22:56

@OneMoreNameChangeWontHurt you need to go on youtube to H G Tudor and search is the narcissist gay. Be warned hes very direct but he is a diagnosed narcissist and very interesting xx

OP posts:
slipperylittlesukker · 02/02/2022 22:58

My ex was a narcissist.
He would gaslight me and then I would be in the wrong for reacting!
He'd be secretive - I was never really let into his life even after 4 years.
He'd Block me.
Make me feel like shit.
Constantly list all the things wrong with me.
He'd stop talking to me.
Dump me over and over.
He cheated.
He was really mean to me...
He thought more of his ex than he did me..

... but I loved him.

One day, you'll just realise how the behaviour toward you was mentally abusive.... and you'll stop loving them.

OneMoreNameChangeWontHurt · 02/02/2022 23:05

@JLBear12 thank you I’ll have a look.
It’s awful how these people have left a wreck of pain and destruction behind them. I find threads like this really helpful as like many others, I’ve been so isolated and thinking it must just be me in this position. Thanks for starting this discussion it’s really helped me and it seems a lot of others 🤗

Original poster
JLBear12 · 02/02/2022 23:10

@OneMoreNameChangeWontHurt I think its important to discuss these things, narcissists are so destructive and far more common than people think. This stuff needs teaching in schools xx

OP posts:
OneMoreNameChangeWontHurt · 02/02/2022 23:21

@JLBear12 yes it does! Hiding in plain sight springs to mind. How I wish I’d known the signs to look out for 5 years ago

Orgasmagorical · 03/02/2022 07:21

[quote JLBear12]@OneMoreNameChangeWontHurt I think its important to discuss these things, narcissists are so destructive and far more common than people think. This stuff needs teaching in schools xx[/quote]
Absolutely. I have found that people who haven't experienced it really don't understand and can dismiss it. More education needed to hopefully help potential future victims avoid getting involved in the first place. What to do about the narcissists themselves, I don't know.

I'll have a look at the gay narcissist thing. Sex was very rare once we were married and I often wondered if he was gay, just because of that. More likely he's just a lazy bastard.

starylight · 03/02/2022 08:03

@Orgasmagorical Same for me too, it was very rare! He definitely wasn't gay but I think you're absolutely right about the laziness. I'd always get made to feel bad for instigating and if I said something he'd sulk for the rest of the evening.

beesfeet · 03/02/2022 08:09

[quote starylight]@Orgasmagorical Same for me too, it was very rare! He definitely wasn't gay but I think you're absolutely right about the laziness. I'd always get made to feel bad for instigating and if I said something he'd sulk for the rest of the evening. [/quote]
I agree. He's definitely not gay but sex wise, he was very very selfish. He was also what I now realise was sexually abusive when drunk. I'd say no but he wouldn't let go of me and tried to force me to do things I didn't want too. I eventually just gave in :-( why I didn't realise how bad this was at the time I have no clue...mainly because he wasn't angry I think. My boundaries were non existent

coodawoodashooda · 03/02/2022 08:28

100 percent

Orgasmagorical · 03/02/2022 11:25

I could tell you a story that would make your hair curl about mine and sex. He wouldn't stop, it had catastrophic consequences. When he was leaving he tried to get me to take responsibility for it. It was the only thing he hadn't blamed me for over the whole of our marriage. If he had thought I was responsible he would have brought it up during every single one of his hours long whines, like he did with everything else that was wrong in his life (that had fuck all to do with me and everything to do with him and his inadequacy).

Another one of his accusations (for that read admissions) before he left was that we never had any sex, as if it was my fault. I gave up showing any interest very early on because I didn't enjoy the constant rejections. Any sexual events were worthy of a note in the diary, they were that rare. Full marks if it was a score out of one though Wink

They really are snivelling, feeble little shits.

resetting2022 · 03/02/2022 11:41

Narcs want everyone to love them so if they can't get their supply off a woman but there's a gay man giving them supply, well, they're going to go for it aren't they.

Original poster
JLBear12 · 03/02/2022 12:06

@resetting2022 absolutely, I am really hurt by it all but I do find it fascinating as well. Life lesson I could have done without but i always want deeper understanding of things and wow this stuff blows my mind xx

OP posts:
ALittleBitConfused1 · 03/02/2022 13:03

By realizing i never really loved him either. I thought i loved him but that wasnt real it was the picture he painted as it suited him that I loved. In all honesty quite quickly there were more bad times than good so if we are looking at it as what I truly felt I actually hated him as much as i loved him. That helped me realise that if he was capable of and there for had shown me the real version of him all the time I would never had questioned whether I loved him. It wouldn't have even come onto it. I looked at it like some kind of spell and once I did that I did what I needed to do to break it and move on.

starylight · 03/02/2022 14:40

I still can't get my around the fact my ex could possibly be a narcissist. Yes he sulked, ignored me for days/weeks at a time if I said something he didn't like, refused to do anything with my friends and family etc, but he was never actually nasty to me? Never got called a name, or told to shut up. Or anything like that. Although the way he disappeared off the face of the earth after walking out of my house that day should probably tell me all I need to know!

TheFoundation · 03/02/2022 14:50

[quote JLBear12]@resetting2022 absolutely, I am really hurt by it all but I do find it fascinating as well. Life lesson I could have done without but i always want deeper understanding of things and wow this stuff blows my mind xx[/quote]
I'm still fascinated by psychopaths/narcissists after my brush with one, but not with my particular one anymore. It's an important distinction. It's either 'studying another species' or 'constantly re-living and replaying the drama of your relationship with your ex'.

Original poster
JLBear12 · 03/02/2022 15:12

@starylight mine wasnt raging abusive and he wasnt too critical. Demeaned me calling me silly or stupid if I had a concern over anything, never helped round the home (womans work he said), sulked when he didnt get his own way, 2 to 3 hourly silent treatments, storming out sometimes for a week at a time. Persistent lies and covert control, he came everywhere with me. Attention seeking and threatening suicide when drunk. Wow i wonder now how l saw any of that as normal x

OP posts:
Original poster
JLBear12 · 03/02/2022 15:14

@thefoundation no it's more the species that interest me. Yes I do make comparisons sometimes x

OP posts:
resetting2022 · 03/02/2022 15:17

OP, the way you stated 'he came everywhere with me'. That so reminds me of a little boy with his mother.
They say that a lot of narcs are formed in early childhood don't they? And that it's often the mother-child relationship which 'causes' it?

Original poster
JLBear12 · 03/02/2022 15:32

@resetting2022 yes so I believe and she has traits too. He was like a little boy in an adult body xx

OP posts:
starylight · 03/02/2022 15:46

That's interesting about the mother relationship. My ex's mum was lovely but when she was in a mood she would point blank ignore anyone that tried talking to her. I also often felt like his mother, cleaning up around him, cooking him dinner etc and he didn't even live with me!

beesfeet · 03/02/2022 15:58

@starylight

That's interesting about the mother relationship. My ex's mum was lovely but when she was in a mood she would point blank ignore anyone that tried talking to her. I also often felt like his mother, cleaning up around him, cooking him dinner etc and he didn't even live with me!
My ex's mum was a narc too I've realised. She's only really capable of talking about herself. She only cares about her dog. If you asked for help with anything she would say no.

I remember having a miscarriage and leaving the hospital, ExH wanted to stop off at his mums on the way home (clearly not thinking of my needs!) and she was dancing around to take that when we went in. We told her we had lost the baby, she said 'oh that's a shame' put take that back on and carried on dancing.

She came to my grandads funeral which I found very emotional, she spent the whole 45 minute journey on the way talking about her gas and electric. Literally nothing else. I was drained before I even got there.

Interestingly ExH can talk quite openly about how his mum talks about herself too much and how much it gets on his nerves yet he has no idea he is exactly the same as her

jytdtysrht · 03/02/2022 16:01

You realise that you probably dated someone like my brother in law. He loves himself to an incredible extent. He picks up and discards women like they are toilet paper. Move on from this and be happy you found out after 3 months and not longer.

Original poster
JLBear12 · 03/02/2022 16:15

@jytdtysrht no its 3 months since he left, the relationship was 5 and a half years xx

OP posts:
Orgasmagorical · 03/02/2022 16:55

My ex's mother was a narcissist too. She started off very warm and loving when I met her but soon turned on me when I said something she didn't like. Ex went from saying he wouldn't miss her when she died to almost building a shrine with all the tat she left behind. They are a very fucked up family and I'm SO glad to be away from them.

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