Met a wonderful man. But...

[Hadharra]

He smells! I don't know what it is, but it's almost like mould. He showers once a day and twice if he's been at work. When I've spent a few days with him his hygiene is impeccable. I'm not sure if it's because he eats a lot of garlic, has a mould problem, or leaves his hair wet etc, but I don't think I can do it. Wtf do I do? I can't dump someone I Really like and could actually see myself settling down with, who my son likes, because he smells? Do I tell him? Ffs this is so daft!

We had this with a washing machine. We tried everything - 90C washes, laundry disinfectant, washing machine cleaner, cleaning the filters, taking out the drawer to check for mould (common problem). Nothing worked. Something else broke so we replaced it and the problem went away.

It could also be a drying issue. One of my DC lived in a student flat with a laundry room in the basement. It took days for clothes to dry and they always smelled musty. That was more easily solved by drying clothes elsewhere.

To be tactful, I would tell him that there is a hint of mustiness about his clothes and that you had the same problem with a washing machine once, you solved it by XYZ or maybe it's a drying issue.

@Toanewstart22

But as she’s made no mention of this How can so many be so sure that it’s his clothing!

This is what makes me think it might be his shoes.

Hanging out indoors together, it wouldn't be noticeable.

I think a lot of people are being harsh to say you should dump him.

He's a nice guy who is good to you. He showers regularly too. He just leaves his clothes to dry in a cold room!

It could be a lot worse!!!

Just find a way to tell him!

My (now ex for different reasons!) had really bad BO when we first met. He was aware of it but didn't know what to do. He washed every day, repeatedly changed his T shirts through the day....I introduced him to antiperspirant deodorant! Sorted.

Yes he's not drying his clothes properly

I’m bemused by posters advising you to dump him. You’ve said he’s clean and a thoroughly decent man. This is a fixable problem. Next time you meet, confirm it’s his clothes (most likely explanation), and be tactful in mentioning it.

We haven't had sex due to personal reasons which he is completely OK with. We are planning a hotel stay next month as I'm finally feeling ready, anyway... The smell is there all the time but again he sleeps in pyjamas so they would smell too. I really do think it's his clothes. His flat is quite damp, it's not the best despite being super clean and tidy. I'm going to have to sniff his clothes next time I stay at his to confirm. I will update!

@Justilou1

You haven’t said how old he is or really described him *@Hadharra*, but I have two theories to throw at you. Both of them a bit more scientific than blaming his personal hygiene or laundry habits. The first theory is that he is exuding above-average levels of Diacetyl. This is often described as a “popcorn or buttery” smell, and often attributed to old men, but is in fact most often produced at it’s peak levels by men in their 30’s and 40’s. It’s caused by a reaction between the naturally-occurring skin bacteria and their sweat, and is most noticeable on their heads and faces, chest and back. (Does his pillow stink too?). A diet rich in licorice (the plant, not the sweet), fennel and dill, and products containing those oils can help reduce this chemical. (I’m not being hippy dippy, it cancels out that smell.)

The other is a fungal problem caused by an overgrowth of naturally-occurring Malassezia yeasts on the body. (This is usually accompanied by a rash or alongside acne… Often this is the result of over-use of antibiotics or antibacterial cleansers.) This one would need a trip to a dermatologist and specialist treatment. My son has this one and he smells like cheesy feet, and so does his whole room. (He is also 15, and this is the peak time for this to kick in - acne, summer here jn Aus, and we live in an exceptionally humid place as well. He has been recently adhering to the protocol better and things are improving.)

Either way, there’s hope!

He's 29. Clean and tidy. Really clean and tidy flat. Very kind. Has his child 50% of the time. Great routine with his child in terms of bath, bed, story etc so is organised and definitely not lazy. Works really hard. Not sure what else to say!

If his flat is damp then all fabrics - bedding, towels, clothing, etc - are likely to be imbued with that musty smell and if he’s tidy and fastidious then it won’t be anything to do with lack of hygiene nor him being dirty and/or not washing.

Simply sounds like inadequate drying of clothing - he needs a dehumidifier and an additional airer so the clothes have more space to dry out.

Agree it sounds like a damp problem in his house. I wouldn't personally dump him over this as everything else is going well, it's a temporary problem surely?

Explain to him that, although he smells lovely, his clothes sometimes smell a bit musty and you wondered if it might be the way he dries them. Adults can have such conversations. If it goes downhill from such a conversation, you are well out of it.

Yes, mention the washer as that is likely it. That's more acceptable than telling him he stinks.

But let him figure it out. No doing his laundry, fixing/cleaning the washer, etc.
Don't want to become his skivvy.

My friend lives in a flat with storage heaters and her clothes always smell of damp....bet it is that.

My ex's parents' home & all their belongings smelt damp & fusty. Everything dried inside on racks & never any ventilation.

Anything DS took to play with would have to be washed or thrown away

We developed a routine of wearing washable only & stripping off everything to be double washed immediately on getting home, with everyone through the shower as soon as possible.

Ridiculous really but MIL was highly offended if any discussion was attempted.

@Hadharra - the chemical reactions I referred to above have nothing to do with personal hygiene. They’re literally imbalances of naturally-occurring skin flora and yeasts.

@Justilou1 I found your post very educational! Thanks for that.

It's clothes drying too slowly in a cold room. It seems such a small thing but the smell is decking horrendous.

Some people are more sensitive to it that others. It drives me to distraction I can't bear it. A few colleagues smell like this and I find it really hard. They are lovely people.

Some friends whole flat smelled like this all the time. It gets into everything even bags and lunch boxes etc.

I've started conversations about this in a round about way before. 'My tumble dryer is broken I really need to find one off fb or my clothes will be stinking drying on a rack!' That kind of thing.

Yep I'm with others clothes or shoes. My husbands shoes stank so much I could smell them even when he had them on. Took me ages to figure out that smell. He also likes to wear the same T-shirts for the past 20 years and the BO/deodorant smell is ingrained in them, now dd 3 is telling him he is stinky he is finally listening and I'm getting to throw them out 1 by 1.
My friends do when they met, his clothes stank as he never hung them on the airer correctly so they never dried for days, hence the smell.
All easily solved, well done on finding a good one. Much rather a good one with an easily solved bad smell

How’s it going OP? Have you told him he’s a stinker yet?

Just a tip if his flat is cold - I got a second airer and now hang each item of clothing over two rails to dry so that the two hanging down parts aren't touching, iyswim. It obviously takes up twice the space but everything dries so much quicker and it stops my clothes smelling. When I had everything crammed on to a single airer with one item per rail it sometimes took days to dry in winter and made the clothes smell awful.

@MaitlandGirl

Does it still happen when you wash his clothes? I only say this as DS1 smells awful when he washes his own clothes as he overloads the machine, doesn’t use enough washing powder and puts his clothes away damp.

If I wash his clothes everything is fine.

Hopefully it’s as easy to fix for you as it was for us (lessons in using the machine properly and an in wash germ killing treatment).

THIS!! Mine is the same - he is just pretty crap with the whole washing process (we don't live together so I can't take charge :-)) and it's just one more thing he just wants to 'get done'.

It's obvious you like him and he has many good other points, he just needs this one nipping in the bud. Is he scrimping on heating his flat adequately due to fuel prices I wonder. If his flat is just chronically damp, might be worth suggesting he considers moving as it can't be good for his son if he has him 50% of the time.
However you do it, he will be better off on the long run if you tell him as you are most likely not the only person who's noticed it.Just be kind but honest. Then once sorted enjoy the rest of him

I've got a friend who smells like this. His partner has no sense of smell. Genuinely, medically. I don't know how else she'd be able to live with him, to be honest, let alone find him attractive.

He may have a really poor sense of smell, and have no idea his clothes smell like this. You've got to tell him. It's an easy fix, and it'd be heartbreaking to lose a good bloke over a technicality. Imagine how you'd feel if he turned up and smelled lovely, with a hint of fabric conditioner!

For those saying 'Throw him back..!', it's not an eternal damnation to hard work to say to your partner 'You need to do a hot wash, my love.'

OP, it's much easier to say 'This top you've got on smells a bit weird, darling, did you not get it properly dry before you wore it?' rather than 'You smell, and it's a dealbreaker.' Put the blame on the clothes, and not on him. Work it out like a puzzle between yourselves, culminating in, 'Oh, your clothes smell lovely, darling, give us a kiss!'

No, we shouldn't need to teach our partners how to do their washing, but I'd give him the benefit of the doubt re having a poor sense of smell, given that everything else is great.