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Relationships
Breadwinner husband feels childcare shouldn’t be equal & wants ‘day off’ for himself
Pol771 · 30/01/2022 07:14
My husband earns 3x more than me and has old fashioned values. (Men=work, women=deal with child). I’m not a SAHM and never could be, hats off to those wonder women - I can’t hack it and we also can’t afford it. He feels that because he pays the mortgage, bills and most of the food shopping that he is entitled to do less childcare and have days off to himself (where I take DS out to play dates or just generally stay out of the house, so he can do his own thing). Whenever I ask him look after our toddler so I can do something for myself like haircut, or dinner with a friend, he’ll make it out to be an inconvenience and will certainly have a good moan about everything he does for the family and that he ‘gets nothing back’. He doesn’t have a great social life either as we’ve moved somewhere away from his friends.
I’d like another child and he would deep down, but he’s refusing right now because he knows he’ll be ‘stuck’ with even more childcare as I care for a newborn.
I work 4 long days a week, have my son at all other times. I’m either working or looking after my son. I don’t get time to myself. My husband has my son 1/2 day a week (which I’m grateful for as I’m aware many dads don’t do this) and is generally around with us at the weekend.
Question is- am I right I thinking it’s unfair that I get little time to myself, yet that doesn’t seem to matter because “that’s what mums do”? What are other peoples arrangements in similar situations?
I contribute financially to my son, all his classes, pay his nursery fees and so on. All my salary goes on DS. Yet he’s the one who needs more ‘him time’ because he pays out more?
stuntbubbles · 30/01/2022 07:20
Not what you asked but don’t have another child with him. It would be an insane decision.
Other people in relationships either have partners like yours – misogynists – or partners who ensure everything is 50/50 and everyone gets equal time to themselves, equal division of chores, equal time with their kid.
Tabbacause · 30/01/2022 07:23
I’d like another child and he would deep down, but he’s refusing right now because he knows he’ll be ‘stuck’ with even more childcare as I care for a newborn.
He absolutely does not want another one, I'm astounded you do with this lazy man who can be arsed to look after his child and evidently has zero respect for you.
draramallama · 30/01/2022 07:27
Your poor son having such a shit dad.
Describing his misogyny as a "value" is a bit of a stretch.
Of course treating you like his staff and opting out of parenting his own child is not acceptable.
The fact that some other men are even more neglectful of their children and disrespectful to their partners is hardly a redeeming factor. Let's set the bar somewhere higher than the ground.
DorotheaHomeAlone · 30/01/2022 07:28
I know that you’re looking for some kind of magic bullet that will make him see that he’s treating you badly or allow you to accept it without feeling hurt and uncared for. I’m sorry but there isn’t one. He’s an old school misogynist.
Nothing is going to change his deeply-held world view that you deserve less than him because you are a woman. Not unless he chooses to change. Even then it would take counselling or deep reflection. You can’t make him treat you as an equal and the resentment will eat you up. Don’t have another baby with him.
Hillwalker1 · 30/01/2022 07:30
I am in the same situation as you apart from I am the one who earns more and my husband works 4 days. There is absolutely no way I would take a ‘day off’. My husbands cooks and cleans more than me on his day at home but otherwise we share jobs equally. He didn’t hoover this week on his day at home and I complained. Afterwards, I apologised and said I had been an arse.
MacNTosh · 30/01/2022 07:31
He’s being ridiculous. Everything should be shared equally, money, chores, childcare, free time.
I was a SAHM, the moment dh walked through the door it was team effort. It was never the deal that in return for him working however many hours that I worked 24/7.
Theredjellybean · 30/01/2022 07:35
I'm a bit confused. You work four days and he works five. You say he looks after your son for half a day.? When is that? Is that when you are at work?
Mumoblue · 30/01/2022 07:39
So he wants a “day off” but you shouldn’t have one because you’re a mum?
Why do you want another kid with this misogynistic tit?
TulipsGarden · 30/01/2022 07:39
You keep saying 'my son' rather than 'our son' - is he the dad? It doesn't really sound like it...
Sod his 'old-fashioned values'. They're very convenient for him, but not so much for you. When neither of you are working you split the childcare equally. You both get equal time off to do your own thing. Tell him this is how it's going to be. If he complains or refuses, then you know that's how life will be if you stay with him and make decisions based on that. Having another child would be madness.
rattlemehearties · 30/01/2022 07:40
WTF. That poor child, it sounds like he doesn't even like his own child?
Why does "he" pay the mortgage etc, surely you pool funds for the big bills as you're providing childcare to enable him to work? So much of what you've written is back to front. Difficult to know what to say. He'd get a day off a week at least if you did 50/50 custody when you leave him?
NoSquirrels · 30/01/2022 07:41
Oh bloody hell, OP. Don’t have another baby with him.
This is just the start. You’ve got decades of this shit.
Get him to marriage counselling now, or divorce.
gerispringer · 30/01/2022 07:41
Maybe he’d be happier if you were divorced and he could have as much time to himself as he wanted.
Indecisivelurcher · 30/01/2022 07:42
Why are you paying all the nursery, for starters?! All sounds very unequal to me. But good luck trying to get him to see it. Maybe write it all down to show him?
Pol771 · 30/01/2022 07:42
Thanks for the messages!
I should add, he is great with our son when he’s here and he is here all weekend, he does some cooking and buys all our food so it’s not totally one sided. He just seems to want more time to himself and feels he’s entitled to it as he contributes more financially, it just drives me mad!
You’re right, another child right now would be silly. Which is very frustrating.
Zonder · 30/01/2022 07:44
Sit down with him and draw up a timetable. Show him what your week looks like and what his week looks like and make it very clear. Then tell him you want some time off too. Stand your ground.
Onthefloor2 · 30/01/2022 07:46
I’m sorry but I think all the previous posters have missed that you put nothing towards the cost of living, mortgage and bills, and only pay for your son.
So I think your husband is right, if your not financially contributing half towards costs, I can see why he is reluctant to be pulled in and contribute more.
It’s not 50/50. Don’t have another child with him, find a better job so you can pay half the bills and a new guy who is happy for you to do that with.
arethereanyleftatall · 30/01/2022 07:48
In 2022 op, the very well known rule is 50/50 down time.
Everybody knows 'traditional values' ie what happened in the 50s was a farce.
NoSquirrels · 30/01/2022 07:48
That you didn’t know he’d be like this before you had 1 child is understandable- there’s loads of the lazy fuckers out there who think money = power and parenting their children is boring and menial.
The key is - can he turn this attitude around? Do you have the strength for the fight? (And it will be a constant theme as even if he does have the will to change it won’t be instantaneous and even when it’s ‘fixed’ it will rear its head at ugly moments).
Some blokes are willing to see their faults, analyse where the attitudes come from and act accordingly.
Some aren’t.
Only you’ll know which you’ve got.
(Btw the money split sounds wrong and you should nip that ‘paying everything for DS’ in the bud ASAP. That’s your first fight.)
GeneLovesJezebel · 30/01/2022 07:49
I agree, divorce him so he has to have the child, and you get time to yourself.
And If you have another baby do it with the knowledge that you’ll, be doing even more.
NoSquirrels · 30/01/2022 07:49
@Onthefloor2
So I think your husband is right, if your not financially contributing half towards costs, I can see why he is reluctant to be pulled in and contribute more.
It’s not 50/50. Don’t have another child with him, find a better job so you can pay half the bills and a new guy who is happy for you to do that with.
And you can ignore this for starters.
Suprima · 30/01/2022 07:49
@Pol771
I’d like another child and he would deep down, but he’s refusing right now because he knows he’ll be ‘stuck’ with even more childcare as I care for a newborn.
I work 4 long days a week, have my son at all other times. I’m either working or looking after my son. I don’t get time to myself. My husband has my son 1/2 day a week (which I’m grateful for as I’m aware many dads don’t do this) and is generally around with us at the weekend.
Question is- am I right I thinking it’s unfair that I get little time to myself, yet that doesn’t seem to matter because “that’s what mums do”? What are other peoples arrangements in similar situations?
I contribute financially to my son, all his classes, pay his nursery fees and so on. All my salary goes on DS. Yet he’s the one who needs more ‘him time’ because he pays out more?
If he’s always thought children were women’s work- why did you marry and reproduce with this dickhead?
Don’t have another baby with him.
PearPickingPorky · 30/01/2022 07:49
It shouldn't matter who earns more money, a relationship should be about sharing the workload equally, so equal effort. He gets paid a higher rate for his hours of employment, but is he actually working harder than you are when you're at work? Doubt it. So you are both putting equal effort in when you're at work, and both need to put equal effort in to when you're at home and looking after tour shared child.
If he can't see this, then don't have another child with him. He doesn't even want to spend time with the one you already have.
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