Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Original poster

Breadwinner husband feels childcare shouldn’t be equal & wants ‘day off’ for himself

198 replies

Pol771 · 30/01/2022 07:14

My husband earns 3x more than me and has old fashioned values. (Men=work, women=deal with child). I’m not a SAHM and never could be, hats off to those wonder women - I can’t hack it and we also can’t afford it. He feels that because he pays the mortgage, bills and most of the food shopping that he is entitled to do less childcare and have days off to himself (where I take DS out to play dates or just generally stay out of the house, so he can do his own thing). Whenever I ask him look after our toddler so I can do something for myself like haircut, or dinner with a friend, he’ll make it out to be an inconvenience and will certainly have a good moan about everything he does for the family and that he ‘gets nothing back’. He doesn’t have a great social life either as we’ve moved somewhere away from his friends.

I’d like another child and he would deep down, but he’s refusing right now because he knows he’ll be ‘stuck’ with even more childcare as I care for a newborn.

I work 4 long days a week, have my son at all other times. I’m either working or looking after my son. I don’t get time to myself. My husband has my son 1/2 day a week (which I’m grateful for as I’m aware many dads don’t do this) and is generally around with us at the weekend.

Question is- am I right I thinking it’s unfair that I get little time to myself, yet that doesn’t seem to matter because “that’s what mums do”? What are other peoples arrangements in similar situations?

I contribute financially to my son, all his classes, pay his nursery fees and so on. All my salary goes on DS. Yet he’s the one who needs more ‘him time’ because he pays out more?

OP posts:

JSL52 · 30/01/2022 08:08

@Onthefloor2

I’m sorry but I think all the previous posters have missed that you put nothing towards the cost of living, mortgage and bills, and only pay for your son.

So I think your husband is right, if your not financially contributing half towards costs, I can see why he is reluctant to be pulled in and contribute more.

It’s not 50/50. Don’t have another child with him, find a better job so you can pay half the bills and a new guy who is happy for you to do that with.

This is rubbish.

Kdubs1981 · 30/01/2022 08:11

@Onthefloor2

I’m sorry but I think all the previous posters have missed that you put nothing towards the cost of living, mortgage and bills, and only pay for your son.

So I think your husband is right, if your not financially contributing half towards costs, I can see why he is reluctant to be pulled in and contribute more.

It’s not 50/50. Don’t have another child with him, find a better job so you can pay half the bills and a new guy who is happy for you to do that with.

Someone's been on the glue...

Whydidimarryhim · 30/01/2022 08:12

Don’t ask him to look after his child. Just go out when you need too. You don’t need his permission.

Alayalaya · 30/01/2022 08:14

‘ I’d like another child and he would deep down, but he’s refusing right now because he knows he’ll be ‘stuck’ with even more childcare’

Sorry but this doesn’t sound like someone who deep down wants another child. It sounds like he’s already overwhelmed with the amount of childcare he has to do on top of his job and he doesn’t want to take on any more.

If he earns more than you can he pay for childcare to cover some of ‘his’ time so that you can have time off?

layladomino · 30/01/2022 08:14

Of course earning more money doesn't mean you have to do less work. There is no logic at all to that.

By your husband's reasoning, if you suddenly came in to some money - say you inherited a big chunk or your job started paying twice as much - would he take on more of the housework and childcare, leaving you to have a 'day off' once a week?

I bet he'd then find another 'reason' why he doesn't have to work as hard as you.

eurochick · 30/01/2022 08:14

I've never seen this when the higher earner is female. Hmm, I wonder why that could be.

GeneLovesJezebel · 30/01/2022 08:15

I would be assuming, from what you’ve written, that he will never be ready for another child.
You need to think about that, and what you want.

Pregnagainagain · 30/01/2022 08:17

@Onthefloor2

I’m sorry but I think all the previous posters have missed that you put nothing towards the cost of living, mortgage and bills, and only pay for your son.

So I think your husband is right, if your not financially contributing half towards costs, I can see why he is reluctant to be pulled in and contribute more.

It’s not 50/50. Don’t have another child with him, find a better job so you can pay half the bills and a new guy who is happy for you to do that with.

Wnkingawalrus · 30/01/2022 08:18

I’m not sure I understand OP. You said he has DS for half a day each week yet you have no time to yourself. What happens to that time? And he’s with you both all weekend and presumably works the rest of the time. Do you not expect him to have any free time?

Sorry, not really following at all what is happening here!

Choccorocco · 30/01/2022 08:20

Crikey please ignore these pps who are projecting their own issues into their perceptions of yours.

Sounds like your husband needs a bit of a break, and so do you! Having a small child is hard yards and a difficult transition in terms of changes lifestyle and loss of freedoms, particularly if you have moved away from your support networks and friends - this goes for him too.

I strongly recommend not having a race to the bottom in terms of arguing about being lazy, who has more time, who does more, etc.

Instead invest some of your household money in weekend childcare/babysitting and/or cleaning so he can go off and do what he wants for a morning or whatever he needs to unwind, while you kick back too, or so you can go out together without your son and remember what you love about each other.

Also if you can help him enjoy his life more then he is much more likely to want a second child than if you are demanding that he takes more of the shit from you now.

Only you can decide if he’s worth playing the long game with. From the little that you’ve said, he sounds tired but not too bad! Obvs if he is a misogynistic bastard then maybe it’s not worth it, but if he’s just struggling to come to terms with his new life with child, then why not give him a hand through it.

Good luck OP 😗

TeenyQueen · 30/01/2022 08:21

I work 4 days a week and do most of the childcare on those days plus on my day off. DH earns approximately 20x what I do (yes really) and he has paid the mortgage, pays for nursery fees etc. I contribute a lump some every month towards food shopping and utility bills. DH works like a horse but still helps to look after DD. He takes her to the park/shopping during the weekend, plays with her outside and does bath time and bed almost every night.

I recently had covid and was in bed rest for over a week. In the meantime DH adjusted his working hours and did absolutely everything for DD, and he LOVED IT! He was almost sad when I was back on my feet and took over DDs care again.

HacerSonarSusPasos · 30/01/2022 08:23

I agree, divorce him so he has to have the child, and you get time to yourself

@GeneLovesJezebel? Sadly he doesn't sound like he'd want 50-50 custody and the courts can't force him to actually have the kid at all

Pumpkinpie1 · 30/01/2022 08:23

What do you want to happen?
I don’t think it would be unreasonable to sit down and discuss finances, and sharing money if that’s not what happens.
I also think discussing sharing responsibilities so you are all having quality time together and apart is important.
Sometimes we need to be more assertive and proactive in saying & getting what we want .

doorornottodoor · 30/01/2022 08:24

He’s awful. Don’t have another baby with him.

It’s very telling that you talk about “my son” rather than our son.

sanbeiji · 30/01/2022 08:26

Remind him that 'his' model only works if the man earns enough to support the woman.
As it stands you have to work, he earned 3x but you still can't afford to be a SAHM?
He's underachieving and can crawl back into the cave he comes from!

Or
Make him pay ALL expenses
food, bills, mortgage, nursery

See how he likes it then.

Choccorocco · 30/01/2022 08:27

Hi sorry just to add - when I said taking the shit from you I meant taking the drudgery off your hands, not you giving him a hard time! You sound very reasonable xxx

Original poster

Pol771 · 30/01/2022 08:28

Thank you all so much for taking the time to give me your advice. I’m going to start making some changes suggested above and let’s see how it goes.
Thanks again, it means a lot.

OP posts:

phishy · 30/01/2022 08:28

Why is all your salary going on your son?

Do you not have access to a joint account where he puts money in too?

G5000 · 30/01/2022 08:30

I've always earned anything between 3 to 10 times more than DH and always paid the mortgage. He was actually a SAHD with our first so had no income at that time.

Would you consider me a good parent who should have more children, if I had said I want nothing to do with my DC and they are all DH's to manage?

Saying that, of course it's reasonable that either parent gets some time off to do things just for them. But this should not depend on their respective incomes.

Lolamento · 30/01/2022 08:30

Do not have another child. This is just going to get worse. Do not be that person who have a second child at all costs knowing that the partner will not help and this would potentially end in a divorce when things escalate. I would try to be in the best possible career position once your toddler is at school. Do not rely on your husband. It is the way he is. May be he has a more demanding job but a dad should like to spend time with his children.

JustKittenAround · 30/01/2022 08:36

My view is what is he even good for? You take care of the children while working. You
Have your body in many ways to provide this gift. He earns more so what? Like why is he even around? He has to provide value!

Don’t have another kid. I mean you’ll do what you want but as a stranger I’m going to tell you that is some stupid dumb dumb.

If you want attention anything intimate you’d do best to ask for that. Or work to cultivate that. If he isn’t willing you’ve got more posts coming here. Sad to say.

It isn’t just women who have to bring value. He seems very less than fo little ole me. He doesn’t even earn enough to keep you from the work grind drudgery… let alone make it worth the domestic one.

stuntbubbles · 30/01/2022 08:36

If he’s bringing in a fair amount of cash then he probably has a fairly stressful job and I expect needs some headspace to recover his mental health in order to make his keeping his job sustainable. Maybe he feels that he brings in enough cash to be allowed a slice of peace at some point over the weekend? Maybe this isn’t about trying to make you feel bad but he is trying to justify getting some time to himself because he feels he needs it?
Lower-earning jobs can also be stressful. What about the OP’s mental health? Is she not allowed a slice of peace or is there an income threshold before you’re allowed time to yourself? Most of us need and want headspace between our jobs and our parenting, it’s not the sole preserve of Important Menz and Their Important Money Jobs. OP days she’s either working or with their child: where is her time off? How much is it worth?

busyeatingbiscuits · 30/01/2022 08:36

Irrelevant how much each of you earn.
Put everything in to one pot, pay out the mortgage, bills, food, nursery and clothes & activities for your child and then split the remainder 50/50. That’s your personal spending money.
Now work out how many hours of paid work, childcare and housework you each do. Are the hours equal? Can you each do an extra few hours childcare to give the other parent a few hours off? You could have Saturday morning free, he could have Sunday.
Make sure you both have equal “work” and “free” time.

Isthisit22 · 30/01/2022 08:37

@Ihaveoflate

You seem to have a shockingly low bar when it comes to expectations of a (supposedly loving) partner and co-parent.

My husband earns significantly more than I do, but my work has value beyond simple economics. We split domestic and childcare responsibilities equally and have equal 'time off' because a) it's not 1952 b) he loves our child and wants to spend time with her and c) he loves me so wants me to be happy/wants to be a good partner.

I wouldn't even consider having another child with this man and honestly, I just couldn't respect him as a person.

This

Ariela · 30/01/2022 08:39

Why not suggest you BOTH have time off together, while your son is in nursery. Might do you both good to talk about things!

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8