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Original poster

Breadwinner husband feels childcare shouldn’t be equal & wants ‘day off’ for himself

198 replies

Pol771 · 30/01/2022 07:14

My husband earns 3x more than me and has old fashioned values. (Men=work, women=deal with child). I’m not a SAHM and never could be, hats off to those wonder women - I can’t hack it and we also can’t afford it. He feels that because he pays the mortgage, bills and most of the food shopping that he is entitled to do less childcare and have days off to himself (where I take DS out to play dates or just generally stay out of the house, so he can do his own thing). Whenever I ask him look after our toddler so I can do something for myself like haircut, or dinner with a friend, he’ll make it out to be an inconvenience and will certainly have a good moan about everything he does for the family and that he ‘gets nothing back’. He doesn’t have a great social life either as we’ve moved somewhere away from his friends.

I’d like another child and he would deep down, but he’s refusing right now because he knows he’ll be ‘stuck’ with even more childcare as I care for a newborn.

I work 4 long days a week, have my son at all other times. I’m either working or looking after my son. I don’t get time to myself. My husband has my son 1/2 day a week (which I’m grateful for as I’m aware many dads don’t do this) and is generally around with us at the weekend.

Question is- am I right I thinking it’s unfair that I get little time to myself, yet that doesn’t seem to matter because “that’s what mums do”? What are other peoples arrangements in similar situations?

I contribute financially to my son, all his classes, pay his nursery fees and so on. All my salary goes on DS. Yet he’s the one who needs more ‘him time’ because he pays out more?Hmm

OP posts:
TracyMosby · 30/01/2022 08:39
  1. It isnt childcare, it is parenting.
  2. Never be happy with crumbs because some other twat if a man is worse to their wife.
  3. Dont have another child with a man who (a) doesn't want to parent (b) sees parenting as childcare for the benefit of you and (c) doesnt want a child.
Flickflak · 30/01/2022 08:41

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

tara66 · 30/01/2022 08:42

Remember managing one child is very much easier than managing two.

TheCurrywurstPrion · 30/01/2022 08:44

Whatever he thinks, yes you have equal rights to go out without your child now and then.

So if he goes out without you, note how much child free time he’s had and arrange to have an equal time for yourself.

If he kicks off, point out that it is fair for you to have equal time.

If he argues that he earns more, state clearly that you disagree that this entitles him to more time off.

What you (and many other women in this situation forget, me included back when I was married) is that his opinion (and his time) is not worth more than yours. You need to do what your conscience is telling you is right.

If you try this and he makes your life unbearable, then I think you have to consider whether you and your child would be better off alone. You can’t change him, you can only change the way you act, and see how he responds.

Loopytiles · 30/01/2022 08:45

Not ‘old fashioned’: sexist. And a poor partner and father.

Don’t ttc DC2 with him.

User7698365 · 30/01/2022 08:46

Is he not your husbands son as you said "my husband has my son, like he was probably his stepson.

crazyjinglist · 30/01/2022 08:46

I’m sorry but I think all the previous posters have missed that you put nothing towards the cost of living, mortgage and bills, and only pay for your son.

So I think your husband is right, if your not financially contributing half towards costs, I can see why he is reluctant to be pulled in and contribute more.

Ffs! Pulled in? To spending tine with his own child, and allowing the wife he's supposed tolive to have a little bit if time to herself occasionally?!

Why would the amount of parenting you do, and how much time you're willing to spend with your own child be related to your salary?! The OP works long days 4 days a week too, and looks after herchikd the whole rest of the time. When's her tine off? But the husband regards spending time with his son as something he shouldn't have to do because he's financially worth more?! What a misogynist twat.

Phrowzunn · 30/01/2022 08:47

I am a SAHM because my husband earns enough for all of us (2 DC and another on the way) and because we are quite ‘traditional’ in the sense that we personally felt it was important to have one person at home with the kids while they are young. I worked in the 10 years I knew my DH before we had kids and will go back to work once they’re all in school which will have been about a 10 year break. DH is so grateful for what I do every day while he’s at work and appreciates the value it adds to our family and our lives. When he finishes work he is immediately on 50:50 parenting, so all evenings and all weekend. So, Mon-Fri 7am-5pm he is 100% work and I am 100% kids, then all other times we are 50:50. Except if one of us needs/wants to go somewhere then obviously the other one will take over 100% kids for that period. Your husband’s attitude would be completely unacceptable even if you were a SAHM (I personally wouldn’t have had children with this man, sorry) but the fact that he can’t even afford for you to be a SAHM (should you want to be one) and is coming at you with this attitude is laughable. I would make it very clear to him that there are men who earn enough to pay for everything themselves and have the sole financial burden but then also pull their weight completely equally when they are not at work and do not insist on having entire days to themselves, and that if he doesn’t buck up his ideas you’ll be off to find one of them.

TracyMosby · 30/01/2022 08:47

@User7698365

Is he not your husbands son as you said "my husband has my son, like he was probably his stepson.
Maybe because he feels like her son As his father regards anything child related as op's job and he regards parenting him as childcare.
WetLookKnitwear · 30/01/2022 08:48

I think his attitude would be a bit harsh even if you were a SAHM. But you’re working four days a week! He needs a reality check, if you as a couple can’t afford you to be a SAHM then you BOTH need to be looking after your child… bc you both work. He wants a SAHM who never takes a break and also works 4 days a week, sorry no.

As the poster above me said, it’s a bit like you’re getting crumbs and you’re grateful to him.

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 30/01/2022 08:49

I mean this in the kindest way possible but hes not great with his son. He grudgingly looks after him alone. Please dont have more children. Im just interested do you even find him attractive? He sounds awful

billy1966 · 30/01/2022 08:50

Having another child in a marriage with such a disconnect and discord would be absolute madness.

Frazzled2207 · 30/01/2022 08:50

He’s twat.
When you have kids neither parent gets time off! It’s just the way it is for years. He is an idiot if he doesn’t realise it.

It is totally normal for mothers to do more of the “load” but that doesn’t mean that fathers get a day off!

Comedycook · 30/01/2022 08:51

My husband earns 3x more than me and has old fashioned values (Men=work, women=deal with child

His values aren't that old fashioned if he won't entirely support you financially and expects you to work!

Purplewithred · 30/01/2022 08:51

I have an XDH like this.

tempester28 · 30/01/2022 08:52

You need to reevaluate!

Loopytiles · 30/01/2022 08:53

‘my husband earns enough for all of us’: for as long as you’re married. In the event of divorce he’d have his earning power, while yours would likely be damaged.

‘we personally felt it was important to have one person at home with the kids while they are young’: almost always a woman AH, not a man. Fathers are unwilling to take those kinds of risks with their money and career.

Vbree · 30/01/2022 08:53

My husband and I both work full time, but he earns twice what I do. I've never been made to feel that he deserves more time to himself just because he earns more! How ridiculous and sexist. We share things equally and have equal free time, which isn't much with a toddler. Posts like this make me realise how lucky I am.

AndAnotherNewOne · 30/01/2022 08:54

Start saving ready to leave. There is no future for you and your child with this selfish prick.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 30/01/2022 08:54

The only unreasonable here is that you are grateful that your husband does half a day childcare a week and some cooking.

3luckystars · 30/01/2022 08:58

This must be very hard to read. Good luck to you.

hellcatspangle · 30/01/2022 08:59

Of course it's unfair, and no way would I be having another child with him.

hellcatspangle · 30/01/2022 09:01

@Onthefloor2

I’m sorry but I think all the previous posters have missed that you put nothing towards the cost of living, mortgage and bills, and only pay for your son.

So I think your husband is right, if your not financially contributing half towards costs, I can see why he is reluctant to be pulled in and contribute more.

It’s not 50/50. Don’t have another child with him, find a better job so you can pay half the bills and a new guy who is happy for you to do that with.

Why should she pay half of all costs when he earns three times more?
3luckystars · 30/01/2022 09:01

You are a ‘breadwinner’ too.

SportsMother · 30/01/2022 09:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.