Breadwinner husband feels childcare shouldn’t be equal & wants ‘day off’ for himself

[Pol771]

My husband earns 3x more than me and has old fashioned values. (Men=work, women=deal with child). I’m not a SAHM and never could be, hats off to those wonder women - I can’t hack it and we also can’t afford it. He feels that because he pays the mortgage, bills and most of the food shopping that he is entitled to do less childcare and have days off to himself (where I take DS out to play dates or just generally stay out of the house, so he can do his own thing). Whenever I ask him look after our toddler so I can do something for myself like haircut, or dinner with a friend, he’ll make it out to be an inconvenience and will certainly have a good moan about everything he does for the family and that he ‘gets nothing back’. He doesn’t have a great social life either as we’ve moved somewhere away from his friends.

I’d like another child and he would deep down, but he’s refusing right now because he knows he’ll be ‘stuck’ with even more childcare as I care for a newborn.

I work 4 long days a week, have my son at all other times. I’m either working or looking after my son. I don’t get time to myself. My husband has my son 1/2 day a week (which I’m grateful for as I’m aware many dads don’t do this) and is generally around with us at the weekend.

Question is- am I right I thinking it’s unfair that I get little time to myself, yet that doesn’t seem to matter because “that’s what mums do”? What are other peoples arrangements in similar situations?

I contribute financially to my son, all his classes, pay his nursery fees and so on. All my salary goes on DS. Yet he’s the one who needs more ‘him time’ because he pays out more?

While I can see your frustration, I'm. Not sure it's as bad as some situations on here.
He is around with you and d's all weekend, and he looks after him half a day a week and he works full time.

@Onthefloor2

I’m sorry but I think all the previous posters have missed that you put nothing towards the cost of living, mortgage and bills, and only pay for your son.

So I think your husband is right, if your not financially contributing half towards costs, I can see why he is reluctant to be pulled in and contribute more.

It’s not 50/50. Don’t have another child with him, find a better job so you can pay half the bills and a new guy who is happy for you to do that with.

I didn't miss that, but don't think that monetary contributions to the household negate the need to care for your child. Also you say 'only' pay, nursery fees are expensive and OP uses all of her salary on their son.

Do you not live together?

He feels he is entitled because he views you as the hired help, and your child as a job to do.
He feels he has contributed his part, which is to pay for 'the help'.

No, no, no.

DH and I have the opposite arrangement - he works three days a week and cares for DS two days a week. I work five days a week.

We share nursery drop-off 50/50, with some give and take for work meetings. I do the early wake-ups and bath & bed on the days that DH is looking after DS, so DH can have a break (but he gets on with dinner in the evenings).

Weekends can be stressful as we all try and fit in the things we need to do with the things we’d like to do, and spend enough time as a family but also get some ‘me time’. Sometimes it’s as fair as can be. Sometimes one of us does the bulk of the childcare, sometimes the only ‘me time’ is from 7pm until 10pm.

But we do the best we can because we are a partnership and equal parents.

Whenever I ask him look after our toddler so I can do something for myself like haircut, or dinner with a friend, he’ll make it out to be an inconvenience and will certainly have a good moan about everything he does for the family and that he ‘gets nothing back’.

Don’t have another child with him.

He just seems to want more time to himself and feels he’s entitled to it as he contributes more financially, it just drives me mad

This is not a ‘just’ sort of thing. It’s much more fundamental and you’re not ‘mad’ enough. You should be furious.

I’m sorry but I think all the previous posters have missed that you put nothing towards the cost of living, mortgage and bills, and only pay for your son.

I don't know the costs of nursery in this case but 4 days a week round here would cost more than our mortgage and that is true of a colleague who's DS goes to nursery 3 days so actually the OP is contributing to the overall costs of their lives and presumably in proportion to her salary. He earns 3 times what the OP does so of course would cover more of the costs

Why do you pay for all the child related stuff? It doesn't matter if he pays for other things, the mindset that responsibility for DC is more 'yours' is wrong. I'd pool your monies proportionate to earnings and split all outgoings immediately.
Seems like he can't be arsed for his DC really. A poor choice for a father. However he'd have to be arsed, solely, 24/7 half of every week if you split over his attitude. Threaten him with that.

you put nothing towards the cost of living, mortgage and bills, and only pay for your son.
Are you high? She pays the nursery fees. In many households, including mine, that’s more than the mortgage. Childcare is what allows both parents to work: her DH is only able to pay the mortgage because his child is in childcare.

So I think your husband is right, if your not financially contributing half towards costs, I can see why he is reluctant to be pulled in and contribute more.
As above, she’s paying the nursery fees. Plus she doesn’t specify the other child-related costs but at a guess that could be clothes, shoes, etc, including wet and cold weather gear, swimming stuff, etc; bike, scooter, helmet; classes – locally to us these range from £6 to £15 a session; snacks, toys, books, on and on and on. I wonder what the financial breakdown is and who has most leftover cash per month after house bills vs child bills, and I’d bet my mortgage her DH pays less overall and has plenty of spare.

@Theredjellybean

While I can see your frustration, I'm. Not sure it's as bad as some situations on here. He is around with you and d's all weekend, and he looks after him half a day a week and he works full time.

It doesn’t matter if it’s not ‘as bad’ as some of the other frankly appalling blokes who get described. It’s in his attitude, which will seep into their lives inexorably and every decision will be about how unfair it is to him. It’s corrosive. He can change but he has to want to.

Sorry but apart from anything else the fact he wants you out of the house on his ‘day off’ is just ludicrous, mean, entirely awful. Yuck.

So you had a child with a sexist and now you're frustrated that he's a sexist?

(And he doesn't want another child 'deep down'. He doesn't want the one he's already got.)

You should have the same ‘time off’ as your husband, and you should not be taking your child out of the house so he can have it to himself.
It’s time to start putting your foot down and ignoring his complaints about you time off.
Book a weekly appointment, hair/nails/eyebrows, and have a shop and coffee while you are out.
Is his dad like this by any chance ?

So he doesn't value your contribution to the family income, even though your work has absorbed the cost of having a child. He tells you frequently that your work and effort are lesser.

He also complains frequently about 'helping' you by cooking or looking after his child so you can go out.

I couldn't live with either of those situations. That's an all-day, everyday fundamental disrespect. The kind that tears down your very self.

If that is honestly his deep-down opinion, that he is more important and deserving than you, I would not stay.

I still can't work out when he is looking after d's half a day? If it is when op is at work, then fair enough, you should both be able to have time off, but is its when op is at home, and he is around with them all weekend, when exactly is he getting time off?
It all sounds a bit muddled, and perhaps a clearer picture would help.
I wonder if he is around at weekends, but op does everything for d's because that is just how it has evolved? But as dh is present in the house he feels he never has time off?

You seem to have a shockingly low bar when it comes to expectations of a (supposedly loving) partner and co-parent.

My husband earns significantly more than I do, but my work has value beyond simple economics. We split domestic and childcare responsibilities equally and have equal 'time off' because a) it's not 1952 b) he loves our child and wants to spend time with her and c) he loves me so wants me to be happy/wants to be a good partner.

I wouldn't even consider having another child with this man and honestly, I just couldn't respect him as a person.

So he sees all the bills come out of his account and never sees anything related to paying for the child?
This would only reinforce his views.

Make a joint account for all monies and pay everything out of it so he can see that he is part of a family unit. A team.

What sort of great fathering does he do on the half day each week? Lots of trips and fun experiences?

'My Husband has my son'

This might be the most depressing sentence I've ever read on here.

What is he doing in the house that he wants you out of the way?

Stop being "grateful" for the tiny amount of contribution he makes to the household.

Running the household between the two of you takes something like (guessing, you can calculate accurate figures) 80 hours of paid work plus 80 hours of unpaid work (childcare during child's waking non-nursery hours, plus cooking cleaning and chores).

The fact that his paid work is remunerated at a higher rate to yours is irrelevant. You are a partnership the total number of hours of work and leisure you each get should be equal.

If he can't agree to that then he's not a partner and I don't know why you are in a relationship with him, let alone considering bringing a second child into the world with him.

@gerispringer

What is he doing in the house that he wants you out of the way?

I assumed wanking, but maybe I’ve been on MN too long 🤣

Wow. Definitely do not have another child with him.
My Dh is the main earner in our house. I work very part time, 2.5 days, less sometimes. We have a 5 year old.
School runs are done by me most days, according to what shift he's on he does them every chance he gets.
He has always done bath time, I do all the cooking, we get everything else done between us, without any drama. Whoever is here just does whatever has to be done.
We'd love another baby too but it's not happening for us, I have no worries about having one if we do get lucky because Dh does his fair share and more.

You should not be having to leave your house to give him a break.
That is not what family life is.
Your children aren't a chore that you take a break from.

Looking after your own child is called parenting

You have a child with a man who doesn't want to parent his own child.

I work in a male dominated field with some men who out earn their female partners by a lot. Over the years I have been pleasantly surprised by the number who have:

1. Taken shared parental leave
2. Rushed to pick up a sick child from nursery/school
3. Rushed home so their wife can go to work or to do a course.
4. Been on the phone sorting out schooling issues etc

They all think this is normal as they are their children's parents.

On the other hand I've worked for a handful of men who said they had to work late to avoid their parental duties.

You are married to the latter so do not make your life worse by having another child with this man.

If I were you I’d be direct debiting an agreed amount into a joint account for all outgoings. It time he started to ‘pay’ for his child.
I hope you have your wage and child benefit paid into your own account.

It's a shame there isn't a bank account that you can both automatically pay all your money into - that then all the bills for everything house /food /childcare and child clothing comes out of - that than takes the balance of money and splits the remainder each month into two personal accounts for each of you to use as you wish . If you could set it so it's either 50/50 or the exact proportions that it went in to your own accounts that would be great.

It doesn't sort out the childcare issues but it's a step in the right direction of fairness.

My Dad is in his seventies. Every second he wasn't at work (as the breadwinner), he was with his 4 kids.

Why are people fooling themselves that men who do not want to spend time with their own children are old fashioned?

It's not the mums I necessarily feel sorry for.