Breadwinner husband feels childcare shouldn’t be equal & wants ‘day off’ for himself

[Pol771]

My husband earns 3x more than me and has old fashioned values. (Men=work, women=deal with child). I’m not a SAHM and never could be, hats off to those wonder women - I can’t hack it and we also can’t afford it. He feels that because he pays the mortgage, bills and most of the food shopping that he is entitled to do less childcare and have days off to himself (where I take DS out to play dates or just generally stay out of the house, so he can do his own thing). Whenever I ask him look after our toddler so I can do something for myself like haircut, or dinner with a friend, he’ll make it out to be an inconvenience and will certainly have a good moan about everything he does for the family and that he ‘gets nothing back’. He doesn’t have a great social life either as we’ve moved somewhere away from his friends.

I’d like another child and he would deep down, but he’s refusing right now because he knows he’ll be ‘stuck’ with even more childcare as I care for a newborn.

I work 4 long days a week, have my son at all other times. I’m either working or looking after my son. I don’t get time to myself. My husband has my son 1/2 day a week (which I’m grateful for as I’m aware many dads don’t do this) and is generally around with us at the weekend.

Question is- am I right I thinking it’s unfair that I get little time to myself, yet that doesn’t seem to matter because “that’s what mums do”? What are other peoples arrangements in similar situations?

I contribute financially to my son, all his classes, pay his nursery fees and so on. All my salary goes on DS. Yet he’s the one who needs more ‘him time’ because he pays out more?

This is not 'old fashioned values'...this man is a misogynist, a poor father and a lazy partner that takes you for granted.

Divorce him and he will have to step up and look after his child...and you can move to a new partner who will treat you better and who you can have another kid with (if that is what you want).

@Sloughsabigplace

My husband thinks the same.

He doesn’t act it out though.

But he thinks it and it’s that sense of entitlement that makes him such a fucking misery to be around. He cooks, he cleans, he looks after the children but he’s so fucking miserable about being an adult and doing his fair share that if it want so tragic and depressing, it would be funny.

He wastes his own life trying to be as maudlin as possible while being an adult just to show how unfair life is.

When in actual fact, I’m not holding a gun to his head. If he’d like to move out and spend his free time drinking and playing games in his pants, he knows where the door is.

In his head, he’s a poor, hard done by little boy who does everything and no one appreciates him and let’s him play his computer games while waiting on him hand and foot while telling the world how wonderful he is when he’s not doing his big, important job .

Two things.

1, don't think for a second your children are not witness to his misery and absorbing it.

2, only a matter of time until he makes other choices.
Someone who feels so hard done by WILL look for an exit at some point. He will feel he deserves it.

Be prepared for it.

Sounds like you will be fine, but be prepared financially.

If this discrimination becomes too painful to tolerate and you divorce, please remind your husband that he will be free of all these discussions. The courts will determine what happens to both of your incomes and the arrangements for childcare. When people say ‘all my money’ ‘I need time alone’ they aren’t thinking of any reciprocity. Much of your work is unpaid, does he ever factor that into the equation? Much of your work means you will, without even thinking about it, put your child’s needs first without expecting praise or payment. Are you going to demand say £50k in recognition of carrying a child and giving birth? That’s the rate for surrogacy. Either you’re in this relationship together sharing the advantages and disadvantages …or one of you is having to shoulder an unjust burden. He is also a role model for your child….your home and how it’s run, is the first lesson a child learns about values, good manners and kindness. Your husband’s prejudices about money bestowing great privilege and ‘women's work’ being unpaid…is not a template for any meaningful respect or equality.

@Choccorocco

Crikey please ignore these pps who are projecting their own issues into their perceptions of yours.

Sounds like your husband needs a bit of a break, and so do you! Having a small child is hard yards and a difficult transition in terms of changes lifestyle and loss of freedoms, particularly if you have moved away from your support networks and friends - this goes for him too.

I strongly recommend not having a race to the bottom in terms of arguing about being lazy, who has more time, who does more, etc.

Instead invest some of your household money in weekend childcare/babysitting and/or cleaning so he can go off and do what he wants for a morning or whatever he needs to unwind, while you kick back too, or so you can go out together without your son and remember what you love about each other.

If he’s bringing in a fair amount of cash then he probably has a fairly stressful job and I expect needs some headspace to recover his mental health in order to make his keeping his job sustainable. Maybe he feels that he brings in enough cash to be allowed a slice of peace at some point over the weekend? Maybe this isn’t about trying to make you feel bad but he is trying to justify getting some time to himself because he feels he needs it?

Also if you can help him enjoy his life more then he is much more likely to want a second child than if you are demanding that he takes more of the shit from you now.

Only you can decide if he’s worth playing the long game with. From the little that you’ve said, he sounds tired but not too bad! Obvs if he is a misogynistic bastard then maybe it’s not worth it, but if he’s just struggling to come to terms with his new life with child, then why not give him a hand through it.

Good luck OP 😗

Amazing advice, thank you 😊

Pol771
Re your earlier comment:-

"I should add, he is great with our son when he’s here and he is here all weekend, he does some cooking and buys all our food so it’s not totally one sided".

He's only with his son half a day. Both cooking and food shopping do not take hours to do and I would think he also does online food shopping. Your relationship bar is on the floor really if you think this meagre contribution is any good at all from him. It really makes me wonder what you yourself learnt about relationships when you were growing up. What are you and in turn his sexist dinosaur of a dad teaching him about relationships here?. He does not want another child, he barely thinks about and or cares for the one he already has.

I do think he should have some time to himself, as should you! Are you saying that he gets time to himself while you take ds out but then he doesn’t want to look after his ds on his own ever so you can go out on your own?

There’s a huge difference between

‘Wow, being a working parent is hard! I’m so stressed all the time, and I’d love some due time. We should work out how to give each other some child-free time each week. If I have DS every Saturday morning would you be in charge every Saturday afternoon?’

And

‘You’re his mother, and I earn more than you and I already help out with childcare so you can go to work - even though you don’t earn as much as me - so take the kid out of the house first god’s sake and let me rest!’

So he's decided that money = power
But how can you ever shift that balance of power that he's abusing if you have more than your fair share of the childcare !?

How much more of a break does he need?. And what about the OP in all this?.

He is a parent and he is equally responsible for his child and the overall running of the household. Its not your job OP to be some sort of rehab centre and to otherwise try and coax and or train him in the dark arts of parenting.

What is the half day he looks after the child- do you have that to yourself? I think he’s phrased it very badly as women’s work, but I think he’s allowed a little time to himself, otherwise it’s just work and family. You both need a little time for just yourselves

I work 1.5 days a week and my hubby works 5. I do lions share of housework/dog walking while dc is at school. Evenings I cook and do dishwasher. But we both do bed time. Weekends we share everything. We get time off if we have plans but otherwise we don't. Occasionally I will take ds out alone but usually it's so dh can do diy 😂

@draramallama

Your poor son having such a shit dad.

Describing his misogyny as a "value" is a bit of a stretch.

Of course treating you like his staff and opting out of parenting his own child is not acceptable.

The fact that some other men are even more neglectful of their children and disrespectful to their partners is hardly a redeeming factor. Let's set the bar somewhere higher than the ground.

Yup.

I think you are wrong when you say that because she isn't contributing 50 50 financially, he somehow has the right to demand more "free time" than her. It's all wrong. It's supposed to be an equal partnership with equal respect. She has enabled him to have a high flying career because she has taken on part time work and done more childcare looking after their joint children. Looking after children is also a job and part of the whole process of raising a family. You can't just tell her to "get a better job". She may have scaled back in her career and it isn't as advanced as his so it may take years or be impossible to get to his level or it may not be something she is able to do or wants to do. It doesn't matter who is earning more financially, the children need looking after by somebody and the whole thing should be an equal partnership with equal respect and understanding of the importance of each person's role and for each to have the right to their own free time if they need it.

So I think your husband is right, if your not financially contributing half towards costs, I can see why he is reluctant to be pulled in and contribute more.

I see the OP 's husband isn't alone in his misogyny. I'd somehow missed that the man had had no input into the creation of his child, nor responsibility to create a loving home for him with equally involved parents.

@3luckystars

This must be very hard to read. Good luck to you.

Thank you. Yes it is. Grateful for the reality check though

@Pol771

Yes, he looks after our son so I can work on that day. And you’re right, he gets frustrated that on his days off from work, he’s still here helping with childcare. I totally get that, but my point is- so am I! I’m always here too, but that doesn’t seem to matter as much.

He's a big important man that earns more money so he deserves time off. You're just an unimportant woman who earns little so you should be everyone's support human all the time.

There's a word for this and it's called misogyny. If you died tomorrow, how would he be able to carry on the way he is without a domestic slave (that also happens to usefully earn some money that he can ignore and call an inconvenience).

Another child would leave you pregnant, potentially sick, exhausted- and him going out and leaving you with a child and all the housework. Then getting up all night with a baby, and looking after DS all day.

No way.

I should add, he is great with our son when he’s here and he is here all weekend, he does some cooking and buys all our food so it’s not totally one sided. He just seems to want more time to himself and feels he’s entitled to it as he contributes more financially, it just drives me mad!

Such a low bar for what constitutes a great dad. A great dad doesn’t believe that looking after his own son is a favour to his wife.

You’re right, another child right now would be silly. Which is very frustrating

Ever. It would be silly, ever.

@HacerSonarSusPasos

I agree, divorce him so he has to have the child, and you get time to yourself

@GeneLovesJezebel? Sadly he doesn't sound like he'd want 50-50 custody and the courts can't force him to actually have the kid at all

Oh he'll fight for equal custody whether he really wants it or not. Men like this can't let women have more of anything.

So I think your husband is right, if your not financially contributing half towards costs, I can see why he is reluctant to be pulled in and contribute more.

“I can see why a man who earns lots of money is reluctant to parent his own child” 🤔

Him looking after his son and cooking isn't helping it's being a parent and doing his share only he doesn't do his share because he gets time neither working, commuting or have sole care of his child and you're lucky if you get a few hours every 6 weeks to go to the hairdressers.

He doesn't see you as his equal does he? He deserves more than you and your time is worth far less than his.

OP I have been wher you are - exH provided financially for us very very well and was never tight with money. We had a holiday home, a car each, a lovely home and lots of days out etc. Unfortunately he seemed to think that financial support was where his responsibility began and ended.
I doubt your husband will change his attitude.

As long as everything is split 50/50 then you have an equal partnership. But you might want to work out the weighting of each of your tasks and work. Sounds like he might need a gentle reminder of the work you are doing compared to the work he is doing. Talk to him. You deserve some time for you that is not doing stuff that benefits him. Ie looking after your child and doing housework. It’s between you both at the end of the day and no one else. Lots of love x

Equal leisure time and equal spending time that's what 50:50 is.

He'll be far busier if you split and had DC EOW let alone 50:50

Such men though do not take kindly if at all to be spoken to like that.
He needs a boot up his misogynistic arse; this man has taken

money= power to the nth degree leaving OP herself with next to none in this relationship.