Breadwinner husband feels childcare shouldn’t be equal & wants ‘day off’ for himself

[Pol771]

My husband earns 3x more than me and has old fashioned values. (Men=work, women=deal with child). I’m not a SAHM and never could be, hats off to those wonder women - I can’t hack it and we also can’t afford it. He feels that because he pays the mortgage, bills and most of the food shopping that he is entitled to do less childcare and have days off to himself (where I take DS out to play dates or just generally stay out of the house, so he can do his own thing). Whenever I ask him look after our toddler so I can do something for myself like haircut, or dinner with a friend, he’ll make it out to be an inconvenience and will certainly have a good moan about everything he does for the family and that he ‘gets nothing back’. He doesn’t have a great social life either as we’ve moved somewhere away from his friends.

I’d like another child and he would deep down, but he’s refusing right now because he knows he’ll be ‘stuck’ with even more childcare as I care for a newborn.

I work 4 long days a week, have my son at all other times. I’m either working or looking after my son. I don’t get time to myself. My husband has my son 1/2 day a week (which I’m grateful for as I’m aware many dads don’t do this) and is generally around with us at the weekend.

Question is- am I right I thinking it’s unfair that I get little time to myself, yet that doesn’t seem to matter because “that’s what mums do”? What are other peoples arrangements in similar situations?

I contribute financially to my son, all his classes, pay his nursery fees and so on. All my salary goes on DS. Yet he’s the one who needs more ‘him time’ because he pays out more?

[originalbadass]

Think very carefully OP, you need to nip this in the bud. How would you feel if your DS learned this behaviour/thought it 'normal' as an adult.

Because not addressing it will do just that for DS, it will normalise it.

One of the reasons I divorced was the example my marriage had given DCs as it deteriorated. If my DD was married to someone who treated his wife like her father spoke to me in the last year or so I would have been horrified.

Mutual respect is an absolute requirement in a relationship. You need some of it.

[billy1966]

OP,

Believe him when he tells you he doesn't want more children.
He doesn't.
Don't push it.
You WILL regret it.

He isn't a great man.

He's fundamentally selfish, but at least you know.
Don't inflict him on another child thinking you know best.

He's showed you who he is.
Believe him.

[inheritancetrack]

He is not a 'partner'. He expects you to be subordinate. I would be very unhappy with this situation

[Crikeyalmighty]

Here are my suggestions OP for dealing with this kind of guy. I’m not usually an advocate of joint accounts but in this case I think the ‘he pays for xxxx and I pay for xxx’ has created a perception in his mind of big breadwinner . So I say get a joint account, both incomes into it, all utility , house and bills out of it including childcare— what’s left is split for personal spending. That’s perfectly fair in a marriage. On the time front— give him 5 hours at weekend and he does same for you and babysits for the odd night in good grace and vice versa— if he can’t accept any of this then you basically don’t have a marriage or a man who wants ‘a team’ — I divorced my first husband because of this attitude— he basically saw himself as a single bloke who happened to have a wife and child as a sideline.

[Bytheseaseasea]

If he wants some alone time, why doesn’t he book a days annual leave while you’re at work and your child is in childcare? I assume that he doesn’t spend his entire annual leave allowance covering nursery closures or picking up your child when they’re sent home with a temperature, like you probably do!

[Nanny0gg]

@Onthefloor2

I’m sorry but I think all the previous posters have missed that you put nothing towards the cost of living, mortgage and bills, and only pay for your son.

So I think your husband is right, if your not financially contributing half towards costs, I can see why he is reluctant to be pulled in and contribute more.

It’s not 50/50. Don’t have another child with him, find a better job so you can pay half the bills and a new guy who is happy for you to do that with.

What value do you put on her housekeeping, child-rearing his child? etc

When I had my children there was no maternity leave or benefit. And my DH didn't question that he had to pay for everything.

He also did his fair share of housework and childcare when he was at home.

Money isn't the only aspect of marriage/partnership and raising a family.

If you place a monetary value on him then you must do that for the OP's contribution too.

But I despair. The pendulum has swung too far the other way. And look who still gets the short straw.

[RandomMess]

They are married so ultimately it's all their money. The DH may still have more monthly cash than the op 🤷🏽‍♀️

[gelatodipistacchio]

He's toxic. My ex was like this and I had to leave.

[WonderfulYou]

I am good friends with my male colleague. His wife is a SAHP to a toddler and a baby. He works FT.

She does 90% of all cooking, cleaning, household chores etc and of course is at home all day so does most of the childcare.

As soon as my friend gets home from work he takes over childcare as not only does he know his wife needs a break but he says he misses his kids and enjoys being around them - why would he have kids else.
He says he would happily be a SAHP as he can’t get enough of them.
On the weekend childcare is 50/50 and he’ll often have them on his own so his wife can go out with friends.

You’re not a SAHP - the amount you both earn is irrelevant.
In your situation everything should be 50/50

Your husband sounds like he doesn’t like his own child.

[whynotwhatknot]

whats earning more money got to do with being a parent?

[tkwal]

You work 4 long days a week, I'm assuming he works 5 ? He may be contributing more money but you're the one making most of the effort. Everything he pays for he benefits equally from. You pay for your childcare plus more so basically having your son costs him nothing. He has your son for half a day per week ? Give that man a medal !! What does he do with him during that time ? He's a massive hypocrite and you're giving him the best of both worlds. I assume you didn't choose your home by yourself so stop letting him use that as an excuse to be a lazy dad and husband.

[Kuachui]

why does being a woman mean you should have to do more

[Sloughsabigplace]

@billy1966 One of our children is now and adult who tells him outright to cheer up and grow up. Even the younger ones see through it - no one is suffering his misery in silence. We all get on with our happy lives and leave him to strop about having to be a grown up.

And I’ve always been clear, if you want to leave, leave. I’d be fine.

[SunshineCake1]

So sad. Why doesn't he want to spend time with his child?

I'd leave him and have a baby with a grown up.

My dh worked. I stayed at home. As soon as he came in from work he took the baby then then children as we have three. I'd cook the meal for us. He'd bath them every time and read more bedtime stories than me as I was feeding the new baby.

It is a joint effort. Sadly you have married a waste of space.

[Ballcactus]

The stuff you’re saying he’s great at is the absolute minimum. Divorce the bastard, take half his money, and let him coparent for half the week. What an absolute dick- you deserve better. Way way better

[WidgetyWoo]

Use the child maintenance calculator to look at what the maintenance payments will be if you leave him. Start with 50/50 but I’m taking a guess that he will prefer to be an “every other weekend” dad, so have a look for that number of nights too.

Then use entitled to calculator to see what support you could get from universal credit, hopefully you will have money towards childcare costs included.

Find out how much equity there is in your home (you could get it valued while he is out). Have a free half hour session with a family law solicitor.

When you realise that you can afford to leave him, that might buy you courage. It doesn’t mean you have to leave but at least you will understand your options.

Oh, and if you do leave - when he realises that you actually mean it… be prepared for him to then try to reel you back in with the promise of another baby and a happy family life. Don’t do it.

Who does he think he is?

[Goldbar]

Split time off and chores 50/50. Draw up a rota.

If he wants more time to himself, he needs to 'purchase' it by paying for a babysitter or a cleaner out of his agreed monthly spending money. Likewise, that should be an option available to you. Or you can pay the other to provide these services.

Men who don't pull their weight in the house and with childcare also routinely undervalue these services and expect their wives and partners to work for them 'for free'.

Don't let him exploit your free labour. Put in place a system where he needs to pay you the commercial value of your time (around £12-14ph) to provide cleaning and babysitting services. So you can agree that he can have the day off but he needs to pay for it. Then you have the option of either providing the childcare or outsourcing it to a babysitter.

[affairsofdragons]

He's a selfish, entitled misogynistic twat.

I'm so sorry. I wouldn't have another child with him.

I would be making plans to leave him, though.

[billy1966]

[quote Sloughsabigplace]@billy1966 One of our children is now and adult who tells him outright to cheer up and grow up. Even the younger ones see through it - no one is suffering his misery in silence. We all get on with our happy lives and leave him to strop about having to be a grown up.

And I’ve always been clear, if you want to leave, leave. I’d be fine.[/quote]
How have you stuck it out?

If your children are grown, maybe now is the time to think about yourself for a change.

[kittymamma]

There are lots of comments about what "he thinks" and "he feels", and they're all pretty awful. However, I do wonder how much of this he has actually said and how much you have concluded by different actions he has taken.

We have all made incorrect conclusions about the reasons for someone's actions and then later been corrected and realised they weren't behaving unreasonably after all. Communication is the most important thing here, you need to know how he actually feels, what he actually thinks and he needs to know the same from you. At which point you can decide if he is a total misogynist who isn't worth your time (that is exactly how your first post read), or at the total other ends of the spectrum of possibilities if he is struggling with the demands of work, home life and his mental health and is in need of help.

Whatever the outcome, you need to plan a way forward together that supports both of you. Even if he is desperately struggling, you can only shoulder the burden for a short period before you will suffer too.

Best of luck to you.

[SocialConnection]

Lazy, selfish, controlling misogyny in action.

[Sloughsabigplace]

@billy1966 oh I do. I didn’t mean my post to come across like I am some sort of unhappy martyr. I could walk out the door too, if I liked.

If he wants to be a misery, he can. I can’t change the way other people act or think. But I wouldn’t tolerate it if he didn’t pull his weight, so he does. It’s his life he’s wasting being miserable.

[NatashaBedwouldbenice]

I agree with posters saying a good starting point is equal free/me time.

[me4real]

I think your title misrepresents the situation. What's happening is even worse.

He's not a 'breadwinner' - you work four days a week @Pol771 , earning money to bring to the family yourself, plus all you do for your DC.

Yet he thinks taking care of the DC isn't his job at all. An as a husband, that helping you relax etc isn't something he should do. What a twat.

Please don't have another child with him.

[Wheelerdeeler]

Marriage is a partnership. Parenting is a partnership.

You need to remind your husband of this.