Breadwinner husband feels childcare shouldn’t be equal & wants ‘day off’ for himself

[Pol771]

My husband earns 3x more than me and has old fashioned values. (Men=work, women=deal with child). I’m not a SAHM and never could be, hats off to those wonder women - I can’t hack it and we also can’t afford it. He feels that because he pays the mortgage, bills and most of the food shopping that he is entitled to do less childcare and have days off to himself (where I take DS out to play dates or just generally stay out of the house, so he can do his own thing). Whenever I ask him look after our toddler so I can do something for myself like haircut, or dinner with a friend, he’ll make it out to be an inconvenience and will certainly have a good moan about everything he does for the family and that he ‘gets nothing back’. He doesn’t have a great social life either as we’ve moved somewhere away from his friends.

I’d like another child and he would deep down, but he’s refusing right now because he knows he’ll be ‘stuck’ with even more childcare as I care for a newborn.

I work 4 long days a week, have my son at all other times. I’m either working or looking after my son. I don’t get time to myself. My husband has my son 1/2 day a week (which I’m grateful for as I’m aware many dads don’t do this) and is generally around with us at the weekend.

Question is- am I right I thinking it’s unfair that I get little time to myself, yet that doesn’t seem to matter because “that’s what mums do”? What are other peoples arrangements in similar situations?

I contribute financially to my son, all his classes, pay his nursery fees and so on. All my salary goes on DS. Yet he’s the one who needs more ‘him time’ because he pays out more?

What a prick and no yanbu

I personally would'nt want a second child as your really do need an extra pair of hands then.

Long story short, he thinks his higher income "buys" him less parenting.

That's it. All transactional.

Funnily enough some fathers actually enjoy spending time with their child. How about you point this putt to him.

My DH has the kids when I work and absolutely has the kids when I am out doing something in my own.

I would be very wary having another child with a man who sounds like he actually sees his child as a chore. Really not nice for you or your child.

My above message was responding to this- sorry! (Yes he looks after our son on that day so I can work) which I’m grateful for
Why grateful? Is he grateful on the day a week you take DS so he can work? Is he grateful you pay for nursery the other days, so he can work?

You have to re-frame your thinking. It's not helping with childcare, like you write. It's parenting.

You both work. Jobs that pay more are not necessarily more demanding or stressful. So the fair option would be to have equal rest time. Work hours+time for household chores+time needed to look after your son divided by 2 and see what's left. Then ask why he thinks he should get all of it and whine if you want an hour here or there.

I'm going to echo a few posters here and say there's a big difference between "I really do need a bit of downtime to help me decompress from the pressure of work and family and so protect my mental & physical health to remain productive and happy" and "that's women's work, I earn the money, you do it all".

I firmly believe that both partners in a relationship do need regular time for themselves, whether that's for a hobby/interest/activity or just to chill, dependent on preference. Otherwise you're just existing. Certainly we find that works for us, and (this is purely anecdotal based on friends around us), those families who ensure both partners have some of their own time each week are the ones who are the happiest.

OP maybe speak to your DH and say to him that you'd like to organise things better do that both of you have a bit of down time and can therefore both be happier and more relaxed? You might well find he's then more amenable to a conversation about splitting everything else a bit better too.

I reckon a sensible discussion could well solve this. It doesn't need to be a battle, just some better communication around needs and wants, then finding a way to make that happen x

@Pol771

Yes, he looks after our son so I can work on that day. And you’re right, he gets frustrated that on his days off from work, he’s still here helping with childcare. I totally get that, but my point is- so am I! I’m always here too, but that doesn’t seem to matter as much.

He's not helping with childcare though. It's not your sole job to parent your joint child that he sometimes graciously helps with. He is doing his job as a parent, not helping you do yours.

It is a joint responsibility to parent one's child. The core of the problem here is that neither of you are viewing it that way. Which is sad frankly.

It is misogynistic for a man to view parenting his own child as a woman's job that he can opt out of and should receive praise for if he sometimes stoops to help with as a favour to her.

Making that observation doesn't mean I have issues. It means I consider misogyny unacceptable. Everybody should. To try and turn this into "oh the poor man" is ludicrous.

@G5000

You have to re-frame your thinking. It's not helping with childcare, like you write. It's parenting.

You both work. Jobs that pay more are not necessarily more demanding or stressful. So the fair option would be to have equal rest time. Work hours+time for household chores+time needed to look after your son divided by 2 and see what's left. Then ask why he thinks he should get all of it and whine if you want an hour here or there.

Yes exactly.

@LyricalBlowToTheJaw

Urgh, that sort of attitude is a total clit shriveller.

Hahahahaha! Made my day

He's saying to you: I just think my life should be easier than yours, at your expense.

I'd make a log of a typical week, hour by hour. Who has more leisure? Who has more stress? If he's labouring under the impression that childcare is somehow less stressful or arduous for you because of what's between your legs, I'd correct that right away. I bet he has lunch times, commute times etc where he has spare time to think and you have about half hour a day once you've got DC to bed and done chores.

Women didn't use to have a choice about accepting this crap in a relationship, now they do and guess what - most don't want to be a 1950s doormat. Tell him to pull his weight or you'll leave him to get a mail order bride to iron his pyjamas.

Earning more money doesn't always equal actually putting more effort in to your job though, so unless on Monday and Tuesdays he works an oil rig, on Wednesdays and Thursdays he's a mountain rescuer and on Fridays he's up at the crack of dawn to build dry stone walls in the outer Hebrides, all to build you a comfier life then really he should be doing his fair share of parenting, and should respect that you as a human being, also working both at your job and at home (and just because it's not paid for does not mean it's not got value, and that it doesn't need doing) who needs time off.

Whilst I think that his demand for a whole day is perhaps a bit excessive I do have a bit of sympathy as the early years are hard. But I think that both of you need a break. When ours were little we had a local language student come in for a couple of hours on a Saturday which was our "me time" sometimes we went off and did our own thing and sometimes we went out together for a run etc. COuld DH afford to pay for this? I'm saying DH as the way to handle this (from experience) is to start from his old fashioned premiss that he is the breadwinner. Then point out that if he wants the benefits of the 1950s he has to play the full role of provider and pay for everything - my mum was a SAHM when we were at school - she had most afternoons to socialise which you're not getting so he is deficient in this respect. He needs to provide you with your me time either by looking after his own child on a regular basis or paying for someone to come in so you get it that way.

And for what it's worth, a second child meant by DH had to become much more hands on with our toddler as I was stuck heavily pregnant with pelvic pain then breastfeeding for hours on end etc.

Is he expecting with a second one, you'd all go out to leave him to have quiet time in the house?

Question is-am I right I thinking it’s unfair that I get little time to myself

You think this will improve if you have another child with this man?

OP, time to properly revaluate.

Don't get lumbered with childcare and all that entails for another decade plus. It will make you miserable, your H has shown who he is on that score, thus your poor children will have to absorb the internal misery and resentment in a home you brought them into.

You next moves should be your wisest ones.

[quote Sloughsabigplace]@TotallyWipedout that’s the one thing my husband isn’t a petulant prick about.

From when we were engaged and moved i together, we had a joint account. All money is OUR money, regardless of who earns what.

I can never get my head around people who don’t have a joint account or who are married but “put in” money for this and that.

If you are a team, you are a team. Everything should be shared.[/quote]
It is also the one thing my ex husband wasn't a petulant prick about!

@autienotnaughty

I personally would'nt want a second child as your really do need an extra pair of hands then.

You don't, really. That suggests that women are not competent or strong enough to cope! Generations of women managed before men decided to involve themselves in childcare (or before women decided men needed to be involved in it - which does make sense if both people are also going out to work). I can see the logic of both people doing their fair share if they are both working, but not the logic of mothers needing an 'extra pair of (manly) hands'.

The answer, really, is a female commune. We'd all be very good at looking after one another's children, and we'd be pretty good at sharing out the tasks depending on one another's strengths and weaknesses.

@BettyBizzghetti People in communes tend to just all fall out eventually.

I agree that women usually get by without men if they have to though, and it can be a great improvement on having a twat around.

He cant have it both ways.

Looking after children is easier than working = he should be fine to do more pn his days off

Looking after children is hard work = you both need a break

What he is effectively saying is that his job is more tiring and harder work than yours and is worth more. Bringing up your children is not worth as much because it's not measured I £££ (even though it ultimately is as surely even he recognises that they will be paying for his pension and healthcare when you're retired).

Not sure what the answer is, if he cant reframe how 'valuable' you are to the family then quite frankly he can fuck off

I am a little confused Op. You mention not having time for yourself and the reluctance of your DP to share the load ... yet you would love another baby which would make the situation even worse. Realistically you know he is not going to change, you both have different values, so you need to decide what is important to you. You sound like a wonderful mother but you need to decide what your happy future should look like and act on it, even it is means counselling or divorce. Very best of luck.

@Pol771

Yes, he looks after our son so I can work on that day. And you’re right, he gets frustrated that on his days off from work, he’s still here helping with childcare. I totally get that, but my point is- so am I! I’m always here too, but that doesn’t seem to matter as much.

He isn't helping with childcare - he is parenting his own child, just like every other parent should be doing.

I've always massively out earned OH, its never occurred to me that each of us should be doing childcare inversely proportional to our financial position. We both created the children, we are both responsible for their care and well being.

If he’s bringing in a fair amount of cash then he probably has a fairly stressful job and I expect needs some headspace to recover his mental health in order to make his keeping his job sustainable

What a load of old misogynistic tosh.

When I changed industries many years ago I doubled my salary overnight and massively reduced my stress levels. When you are in the upper end of salaries you are also more likely to have control and autonomy about how you manage your work and you have little luxuries like disposable income.

Low income life, especially when its not even guaranteed hours, is massively stressful in a way that affects every aspect of family life.

This idea that Mr big salary has such a terribly important and difficult job that he must also have the weekend off to play gold of his totally outing lycra clad hobby is a massive con trick. Funny how their female counterparts don't seem to need lots of decompression time away from their children.

He's wrong, but underneath his statement he's telling you he's struggling and needs time for himself (as you both do). You could suggest a scenario where you look after your lo solely by yourself for one day every other weekend, or whatever (visit friends or relatives, have a day out) and in return he do the same. There's no shame in having time to connect with yourself. Listen to him, and use it to your advantage to get some 'you time' too. Hope it works out :)