Page 5 | Don’t want my kids to meet my ex’s partner

Mumshine101 · 2022-01-29T18:19:21+00:00

My ex and I split 15 months ago, we have 2 young kids together (under 5) the split was mutual, but he moved on pretty quickly after our split. He now wants his new partner to meet our kids (they have been seeing each other for almost a year. I do not want her to meet the kids, I think it’s too soon, he disagrees and says it will be happening regardless of what I say. He says I’m trying to be controlling What can I do here? I don’t want them meeting her. Can I stop it from happening? What can I do if he introduces her without my consent?

roastingmichael · 29/01/2022 19:26

You can't stop this so your choice is to get on board, support your kids and make this a positive thing or you don't.
But you need to know that you are going to look like the unreasonable one and you could make it harder for your kids.

If she's nice and treats them well then this could be a really good thing. I think waiting a year, talking to you about intros first and taking it slowly are all good and child centered actions.

roastingmichael · 29/01/2022 19:27

@WonderfulYou

I completely get what you’re saying but there is literally nothing you can do about it.

If anything the more you express your concerns, the more he’ll do it just to annoy you and make out like you’re the crazy ex.

If it was me I would have to be a bit petty and text him apologising that you were in the wrong and you know he’d only ever introduce the DCs to someone decent who he’s planning on staying with long term - if you act ok with it he will be secretly annoyed. It smell also show your DC you are supportive of each other and he can’t say nothing when you find a new partner.

Why the need for game playing?

crosbystillsandmash · 29/01/2022 19:27

Solicitor? Wow, were you this controlling of you ex when you were together?

Your dc may struggle. You can either help or hinder this.
That's literally your only role in this, be positive and incredibly upbeat about their Dads new partner. If they talk about things they've done with her, sound interested and make positive comments, say she sounds lovely etc
Be pleased for them if she becomes part of their lives, dc thrive when surrounded by adults that love and care for them.

I've been there. Put their feelings first, not your own.
Your ex sounds sensible, he's waited a year and has decided it's time for them to meet, it's 100% his decision and not yours to make.

Nomoreusernames1244 · 29/01/2022 19:30

Do you get his permission every time you introduce them to someone you know?

No?

Well same applies to him.

If you have safeguarding concerns where you don’t think he can keep them safe, then you can start with legal proceedings etc. if you think he can care for them appropriately, then you also believe his judgement when it comes to new people is also fine.

You can’t have it both ways. Butt out.

Flamingo49 · 29/01/2022 19:30

Hi OP, I totally understand how horrible this feels for you. My ex asked to introduce his girlfriend to our two young children 9 months after leaving. As much as I wanted to push her over a cliff, I just had to grit my teeth and accept I had no control over the situation. I did however say I wanted to meet her first. Would you consider this? Although it was terribly awkward, it felt like the right thing to do and took away some of her power in my eyes- I think you can build these things up in your mind a lot. Also, he introduced her as a friend, which also made it a bit easier.

AlDanvers · 29/01/2022 19:32

@WonderfulYou

I completely get what you’re saying but there is literally nothing you can do about it.

If anything the more you express your concerns, the more he’ll do it just to annoy you and make out like you’re the crazy ex.

If it was me I would have to be a bit petty and text him apologising that you were in the wrong and you know he’d only ever introduce the DCs to someone decent who he’s planning on staying with long term - if you act ok with it he will be secretly annoyed. It smell also show your DC you are supportive of each other and he can’t say nothing when you find a new partner.

What on earth leads you to believe he will be annoyed if op is OK with it?

Figgyboa · 29/01/2022 19:33

Sorry, you have absolutely no say in who he introduces your children too or when.

SuPerDoPer · 29/01/2022 19:34

One of the biggest co-parenting lessons you need to learn is that you can not control what the other parent does, presuming the children are safe and well looked after. My ex introduced the OW less than a month after moving out they were living together within 3 months and they had had another baby after 16 months. I wasn't OK with any of this - I made my feelings known, I ranted and raved about him putting himself before the welfare of our kids (age 2 and 5) but he still did it all. Aside from a few small wobbles the kids seemed to take it all in their stride. I'll never really respect him again but we manage to get along OK these days and crucially, somehow, the kids have come through largely unscathed. Try to ride it out as best you can.

SeeminglyOblivious · 29/01/2022 19:35

You have two under 5 and have been split for 15 months.

The youngest won't even remember a time when he lived there. No chance. Highly unlikely the eldest does in any meaningful way.

You're being ridiculous. Time to move on, you have no say in this and nor should you.

Original poster

Mumshine101 · 29/01/2022 19:36

@Flamingo49

Hi OP, I totally understand how horrible this feels for you. My ex asked to introduce his girlfriend to our two young children 9 months after leaving. As much as I wanted to push her over a cliff, I just had to grit my teeth and accept I had no control over the situation. I did however say I wanted to meet her first. Would you consider this? Although it was terribly awkward, it felt like the right thing to do and took away some of her power in my eyes- I think you can build these things up in your mind a lot. Also, he introduced her as a friend, which also made it a bit easier.

What age were your kids and how did they react to the meeting? In what way did meeting her take away some of the power? I’ve considered asking to meet her

OP posts:

Original poster

Mumshine101 · 29/01/2022 19:37

@SeeminglyOblivious

You have two under 5 and have been split for 15 months.

The youngest won't even remember a time when he lived there. No chance. Highly unlikely the eldest does in any meaningful way.

You're being ridiculous. Time to move on, you have no say in this and nor should you.

Our eldest most definitely remembers

OP posts:

Allpenguinsarepingus · 29/01/2022 19:37

Don’t waste money talking to a solicitor about this OP. You’re better off paying for a couple of counseling sessions instead. You can’t prevent this, but it’s not unusual to feel the way you do. Find an outlet for those feelings that won’t negatively impact your kids or your co-parenting relationship.

Soul11Soul · 29/01/2022 19:38

The main cause of negative outcomes for children after separation is conflict between their parents. They can absolute cope with EVERYTHING else, so long as their parents cope with it maturely, reasonably and treat each other with respect. If you talk to your children positively about meeting Dad's new girlfriend and make sure that they know that you are happy and ok for that to happen, it will make it much easier for them. They need to know that it is ok so they don't feel guilty and confused.

He has respected your wishes thus far and a year is absolutely reasonable. A court would only be interested in this case if your ex's new partner posed an actual threat to their safety. In that case you would have been expected to contact social services or the police as your first course of action.

YouokHun · 29/01/2022 19:38

I just don’t want or think it should be happening at all right now, down the line yes, not right now

I really feel for any parent who has to adjust to a “parent figure” in the form of an ex’s new partner. It must be very hard to pack your children off and worry that they may not be happy, or that they may form a bond with someone who is effectively a stranger to you. I suspect there is never a right time for this to happen from a parent’s point of view and it takes a great deal of emotional adjustment.

But there are some positives here. Your ex is clearly thinking this through (a light touch meeting on neutral ground) and has told you about his intentions, you say she sounds nice, she’s been on the scene for a year and they are serious. From your DC’s perspective this sounds as carefully managed as these things can be. There is nothing you can do about it even though it’s uncomfortable and if you do try to be obstructive the outcome is likely to be much more negative for everyone.

A friend of mine is going through the same adjustment right now but for her it’s allowing her children to get to know the OW who contributed to the break-up of her marriage and trying to remain calm and neutral to her DC when they innocently say how the OW (as was) tucked them into bed. Really hard. I’m not saying it’s easy for you @Mumshine101 but I think you really do need to sit on your hands and tolerate it.

Original poster

Mumshine101 · 29/01/2022 19:38

@SuPerDoPer

One of the biggest co-parenting lessons you need to learn is that you can not control what the other parent does, presuming the children are safe and well looked after. My ex introduced the OW less than a month after moving out they were living together within 3 months and they had had another baby after 16 months. I wasn't OK with any of this - I made my feelings known, I ranted and raved about him putting himself before the welfare of our kids (age 2 and 5) but he still did it all. Aside from a few small wobbles the kids seemed to take it all in their stride. I'll never really respect him again but we manage to get along OK these days and crucially, somehow, the kids have come through largely unscathed. Try to ride it out as best you can.

Similar ages to my kids. That’s a really short time line, sorry about that! How did your 5 year old react and respond? Does he/she like his partner now?

OP posts:

MooSakah · 29/01/2022 19:38

I’ve considered asking to meet her ask but be prepared for her to say no.

Iwonder08 · 29/01/2022 19:43

They've been together for a year, it is definitely long enough. Are you really going to become one of these crazy ex women? Please don't start playing with the contact time, you will make it worse for everyone involved

WonderfulYou · 29/01/2022 19:48

In what way did meeting her take away some of the power? I’ve considered asking to meet her

Definitely don’t ask to meet her.

I’m sure you will in the future but I don’t think there’s any need to right now.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/01/2022 19:51

She won’t be willing to meet you. Ask if you want to but I imagine what she’s heard about you doesn’t paint you as wildly reasonable.

unicornsarereal72 · 29/01/2022 19:51

You are setting a president here. Whatever you do now he has the same right to ask of you when you meet someone. Same 'courting' period and interview process.

Why do you need to meet her? He has made a judgement. What if you don't like her? Then what.

Just leave him to do his things. Smile and practice your most genuine that's nice response.

You have separated. You are no longer in a position to tell him what he can and can't do. And vice versa.

I know how hard it is. But be elegant. Don't play games. Just say thanks for running it by me. I trust your judgement. And let it go.

Glitterygreen · 29/01/2022 19:57

Why would anybody need to "take away power" by meeting a new gf?

This is exactly the reason why people refuse to meet exes, it's not a power struggle, it's literally just a new gf meeting her bf's kids for an afternoon!!

Nobody needs to try and 'take her power away', whatever that even means.

Shadappayourface · 29/01/2022 19:58

I knew before you even responded that you aren't dating anyone. My BIL was just as difficult with my sister when they divorced. Tried to use the kids as pawns to prevent her doing things in her life that made her happy, like introduce her bf to the kids, allow her to go on holiday with her new bf and the children etc. He didn't move on from the failure of their relationship and continued to use the kids as pawns for years. He is still bitter and miserable.

This reeks of your own insecurities and control rather than your actual concerns for your children. Children are resilient, especially at their young age, this new gf is just dad's friend to them. The fact that you are trying to involve legal people in this is worrying and damaging to your future co-parenting. Don't be that person.

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 29/01/2022 19:58

Don’t be this person. It won’t help your children.

MoonlightFancy · 29/01/2022 19:59

Are your ex and his girlfriend dating long distance? I’m sure I’ve seen the reverse of this thread tonight.

GatoradeMeBitch · 29/01/2022 19:59

This will largely be dependant on you. If you are positive about it then chances are your kids will be too. If you are negative then your kids will pick up on it.

I think neutral is better than positive. Either negative or positive is telling the children "this is how you should react". Better to leave it open to them. Forced jollity can be very confusing to a child, and teach them to mask their real feelings to make the adults happy.