Don’t want my kids to meet my ex’s partner

[Mumshine101]

My ex and I split 15 months ago, we have 2 young kids together (under 5) the split was mutual, but he moved on pretty quickly after our split.

He now wants his new partner to meet our kids (they have been seeing each other for almost a year. I do not want her to meet the kids, I think it’s too soon, he disagrees and says it will be happening regardless of what I say. He says I’m trying to be controlling

What can I do here? I don’t want them meeting her. Can I stop it from happening? What can I do if he introduces her without my consent?

You're not putting your children first, you're putting yourself first and dressing it up as being what's best for them. Please stop.

I * know he’s also the equal parent. But I think the children should wake up in their family home at Christmas, he’s not longer part of that family home. It’s what they are used too. Why change that disrupt what they know as Christmas Day?*

Your children now have 2 family homes, one with mum and one with dad. The family home is where the parent is. Stop trying to alienate and use your children to support your wants and needs. It's not about you, your ex or his new partner, it's about what's best for the children, and that is to have a proper and equal relationship with both sets of parents, which means sharing holidays inc Christmas, being a grown up and putting them first

”I know he’s also the equal parent. But I think the children should wake up in their family home at Christmas, he’s not longer part of that family home. It’s what they are used too. Why change that disrupt what they know as Christmas Day?”

They have two “family homes”, one with you and one with their dad. What you’re talking about is waking up in the same house, and unless you’re never ever going to move, at some point that will change.

Nothing stays the same forever for children, whether it’s Christmas routines, houses, or anything. You’re just using the “why disrupt Christmas” thing as an excuse to take out your hurt on your ex and punish him for leaving.

Things have already changed, so it’s better to settle into a new normal rather than trying to pretend nothing has changed and fostering the narrative that their dad left them, not just you.

I'm sorry but is this for real?

I think you are projecting your feelings onto your very young children and are being completely unreasonable.

Your feelings about Christmas are just so far from what is reasonable that it's almost laughable.

You need help. As a PP suggested you should spend some money on therapy before you become THAT person. If you continue on this path of control around your children you will end up with them also wanting out of your life too.

I know he’s also the equal parent. But I think the children should wake up in their family home at Christmas, he’s not longer part of that family home. It’s what they are used too. Why change that disrupt what they know as Christmas Day?

Sorry but at their ages they don't know much of anything let alone have expectations for something that happens once a year. They will have had no more than a handful of Xmas days between them. Come on you must see from the pretty much unanimous replies that you are seeing the is clearly or acting at all in the best interests of your dc

Honestly you have lost perspective, you need a break to stop you going down a rabbit hole of bitterness where you seriously damage your children.

They are not possessions, you are not their only parent, they have 2 parents whom they love equally.

They have an opportunity of having a step mother which could be an extra person for them to love and to care for them, an extra person to go to in crisis. Why wouldn't you want them to have this?

Be secure in your role as their mother and your relationship with them and get yourself a life beyond them

Enjoy your child free time, wish you ex and his partner well, let it go

My ex and I split when my children were young, we are very close friends and he will be at my wedding and I will be at his. I loved the fact my dds had an extra adult in their life when he had a partner, I loved the fact dd2 who was 3 h could still get mummy cuddles when she fell over or dd1 had another female in the house when she came on her periods.

You can not control their lives and you make yourself sound unhinged when you try, any judge could see that and could award custody against you and psychological assessments because it is abusive this behaviour, abusive to your ex, your children and yourself

Children don't give a shit where they wake up on Christmas Day! They care about having a nice time and getting presents! Their family doesn't just live in the 'family home' like billions of other children and adults alike. Again this is about you having control! Don't be that parent. It will backfire on you anyway!

They're both likely to not remember a Christmas Day before the age of about 7 anyway. They will however remember how their mummy stopped them spending as much time as they could with Daddy. I know that's what I remember.

Op.. Are you raking any notice that essentially everyone has said yabu.

You really need to change your mindset OP. If he ever goes to court it will not go well for you.

It's difficult but you have to accept you can't control all this forever. You might find it hard but please acknowledge you are thinking about yourself more than your children here.

I think you're worried about being replaced in their affections by this woman, or them deciding they love their dad more than you. That's kind of natural though unfounded and you're going to damage them, damage yourself, and likely damage your relationship with them longer term. Admit to yourself what's behind this and then work to get over it because your stance at the moment is extreme and unreasonable.

I sincerely doubt that this OP is going to consider anything other than what she wants or how she feels.

I really pity the poor girlfriend here. No matter how reasonable the ex seems here, she’s getting herself into a toxic situation where his ex is incredibly controlling and difficult and he panders to it (presumably out of fear she’ll stop him seeing the children, which she’s mentioned here). That’s a nightmare.

The ex being the OP’s ex. That wasn’t very clear.

@Mumshine101

I did want him back, I don’t now. I just don’t think it’s the right time for the kids. We have only been separated for 15 months and in my view they are still adjusting to this new life. He should wait longer

I think it may be you that's still adjusting. I understand it's difficult for you, but this does not seem unreasonable.

It's important for kids to learn how to adapt and change. Part of parenting is helping your kids through this change rather than avoiding dealing with it. It will just upset them even more the longer you wait and the more hope you give that you may get back together. That's how kids this young will see it until they meet the gf and realise that life really has changed and it will all be ok.

Also kids are remarkably good at change. It's the adults who struggle and I think this may be you - in which case it's good to accept that them meeting her signals the certainty of the split. And you're not quite ready to be that concrete yet. Makes it easier to deal with once you're honest about your true feelings.

I could understand how you are feeling if it were a couple months after the split as your children are quite young. My ex insisted on introducing his new partner to our then 2 year old child less than 4 months after we split. She was already struggling with him refusing to see her and our losing our home - introducing a new family as well was way too much IMO at that point. He went ahead and did it anyway.. & then refused to see DD unless it was with his partner & her kids.. I supported it to the greatest extent I could. Sadly (predictably) DD didn't cope well, was totally confused with the ''here are your new siblings isn't this wonderful!!'', we are all going to live together and be a really happy family! etc & hated sharing his attention with the partner / her kids. His mistake to position his partner as a new ''Mum'' backfired royally and it all went tits up. Given all this I can understand anyone's anxiety about new partners being introduced too soon - ex really did tick every box of how not to do it. Picking up the pieces of this is NOT fun and incredibly difficult to do.

Here you are 15 months down the line. Perhaps in an ideal world he might wait a bit longer but really there is no reason they can't meet their Dad's partner and my advice would be to support that every which way you can. If you are against this your children will pick up on it and it will make it harder for them. They must be allowed to be part of their Dad's life. No court will agree to prevent this.

I think he needs to take you to court and have contact formally arranged before you create a completely toxic environment for those poor children where you can use them as pawns and weapons to punish your ex for leaving you (I can’t for a minute imagine why he might have left, although I’m sure you said it was mutual?)

You’re being incredibly spiteful and selfish, your children have two family homes now and their dad is at liberty to introduce them to whoever he likes, as are you. He’s waited a year, which is perfectly reasonable, and he wants to keep it low-key and on neutral ground. What more do you want him to do?

The way you latched on to another poster’s comment about meeting his partner to ‘take her power away’ stood out to me; she meant it figuratively, as in assuaging your own negative feelings about her but you hoped it would mean taking physical/legal power away from your ex. Again, using the kids as pawns in your power play. You have the opportunity to coparent flexibly and civilly, out of court, with your ex with your children’s best interests at heart, why would you jeopardise your children’s mental well-being just to point score? Stop it, you are going to damage them.

Be honest OP

You're saying you think the meeting should happen when the children are ready, but that's not now and you don't yet know when that might be

Actually you are the one resisting due to your own feelings about you and how this might impact you

Tbh your ex can introduce them to whoever, whenever. As could you. He's been reasonable given the timeframe - he doesn't need your permission however he is acting in the children's interests and being courteous to you by letting you know in advance. You would be better off on board with this for the children's sake

Stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about the children. You have been split up 15 months! That's more than enough time for a child to adjust! Especially little ones!

OP you sound awful

I hope for the sake of your kids you can accept and support them meeting a new partner in a controlled, sensible way - which from what you say your partner is doing (neutral location, they can come and go)

The Christmas comments are ridiculous. You are very selfish.

OP, if you prevent your children from having a decent relationship with their father they will grow up resenting you for it. You are not helping yourself let alone them by thinking the way you are. Your hurt is controlling you.

I know he’s also the equal parent. But I think the children should wake up in their family home at Christmas, he’s not longer part of that family home. It’s what they are used too. Why change that disrupt what they know as Christmas Day?

You really are missing the point entirely.
It’s not about you or about your ex husband or what you want it’s about the children and their rights.
You don’t live together anymore, so they now have two family homes, one with each parent.
It’s not about ‘disrupting’ anything it’s about changing and adapting to the new situation, kids are great at that.

I understand that you are finding this all difficult, but you need to start putting their wants and needs ahead of your own.

He had them Boxing Day. There’s no way I’m giving up Christmas Day with our kids. It’s not a compromise I’m willing to make. That’s why I let him come over for Xmas eve and Christmas morning, but I’m sorry I just won’t give that up.

This pretty much sums up the thread.

Look at how many references to "I" there are and none at all about your children.

Your children have the right to spend an equal amount of time with both parents on special occasions.

That right is not yours to withhold.

I say this with kindness OP that you really need to reflect on your behaviour.

You are being controlling and you are being selfish.

It's hard to see an Ex move on, especially when your children are concerned but the trajectory you are choosing will benefit nobody - especially you.

You're pushing your Ex into a corner and quite frankly leaving him with few options but to take you to court and if he does, your behaviour will not reflect well on you.

You seem very bitter that despite a mutual separation that he's moved on to a new relationship and you have yet to do so.

Consider perhaps that when you do meet someone how would you feel about your EX dictating to you in the manner you have done to him?