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Original poster

Don’t want my kids to meet my ex’s partner

422 replies

Mumshine101 · 29/01/2022 18:19

My ex and I split 15 months ago, we have 2 young kids together (under 5) the split was mutual, but he moved on pretty quickly after our split.

He now wants his new partner to meet our kids (they have been seeing each other for almost a year. I do not want her to meet the kids, I think it’s too soon, he disagrees and says it will be happening regardless of what I say. He says I’m trying to be controlling

What can I do here? I don’t want them meeting her. Can I stop it from happening? What can I do if he introduces her without my consent?

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 29/01/2022 20:00

@Mumshine101

We don’t have a contact order in place, we have worked it out ourselves to this point. If he doesn’t respect my wishes, would it go against him if he went for contact order?
No, but it might go against you if you try to curtail contact.
gertrudemortimer · 29/01/2022 20:01

I really resonate with you on this as I've struggled since December with my ex and his new gf. There isn't anything you can do about it but I know it is difficult. My ex introduced her to my son after a few weeks and my son (5) was the one to tell me after his dad dropped him off. He was talking about true love and all sorts after the 3rd meet but I smile and let him tell me whatever he wants to say. I was upset he couldn't give me a heads up, even a message on the day. He did apologise a few days later and said he forgot to tell me.

My sons met her three times and now my ex wants them all to go on a holiday together with his gf's child too. I don't like it but what can I do? The gf seems nice and they must be serious about each other so it's a good thing, when me and ex split up all I wanted was for us all to be happy and they are both happy. My son would absolutely love a holiday and I can't afford to take him so that takes some pressure off me. I do feel like the odd one out and there is definitely some jealousy in my feelings I'm jealous of the family dynamic they are aiming towards and it makes me feel lonely and like my ds will prefer to be with them. It's good that people move passed their broken marriages and rebuild their lives instead of us all staying in a broken relationship with unhappy parents and children.

As you can see I have so many mixed feelings on the whole thing but it's normal to feel like you do, just don't allow it to spill over to your ex or son as it won't get you anywhere close to what you want.

Communication is what is needed so you will be informed of any future plans like you've been told of this. It's good he's waited a year and he's talked to you about it first. The last thing you want is your ex to be worried about your reaction to future difficult conversations.

GatoradeMeBitch · 29/01/2022 20:01

No solicitor or judge will back you in trying to block this. His partner is a part of his life, and a year is a respectable amount of time. I understand that you hate the thought of it, but you'll get used to it. And better to co-operate than have a judge force the matter.

KurtWilde · 29/01/2022 20:04

[quote MoonlightFancy]www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4467123-Meeting-my-new-bf-children[/quote]
Erm... Confused

TabithaTittlemouse · 29/01/2022 20:04

When is the right time?

IMO he’s waited a year which is good. He’s not introducing them to everyone he has a passing interest in like some do.

ilovemyboys3 · 29/01/2022 20:05

I know how this feels all too well. My ex introduced my 2 year old (at the time) to his new gf after 8 weeks of us splitting up. He did this without my consent, permission or knowledge. I was gutted but ultimately there was nothing I could do at all. I expressed my utter disappointment in the situation but he didn't give a crap. At least he has waited a year, I think that's a respectable about of time. You'll feel different when you've met someone else. It's always harder being the one who is still on your own. Good luck x

pollygartertidywife · 29/01/2022 20:06

Be very very wary of asking a solicitor to intervene in this issue. As most have told you - there is nothing in law that you can do to control what parenting decisions your children's equal parent makes with regard to his children. That goes for your decisions
When they are with you. The exception to this is questions over schooling and medical issues. Which you can ask a court to decide if you cannot agree.. however..

Although most solicitors are decent and honest there are some out there who will happily take your money and promise the Earth.. only to 'lose' in court - but by then your money will be spent .

If you TRULY have your children's best interests at heart (and I'm sure you do) then the VERY best thing you can do is to take away the most stressful part of parental separation away from your children. That of conflict between parents and the feeling that they have to 'side' with mum or dad.

I am both a mother and a stepmother. Mine were also under 5 when they met their now stepmother. Was I thrilled ? No. Did I ever let them know how I felt ? Never. ! It has sometimes taken Herculean control not to bad mouth my ex and his wife.. but the reward has meant happy, secure children who never felt emotional turmoil... and always talked to both of us without worrying they would upset the other one.

You need to plaster on a smile and as the saying goes, fake till you make it.

Original poster
Mumshine101 · 29/01/2022 20:06

@MoonlightFancy

Are your ex and his girlfriend dating long distance? I’m sure I’ve seen the reverse of this thread tonight.
No they aren’t long distance, living in the same town
OP posts:
DaisyMum40 · 29/01/2022 20:07

You think a year is too soon?! Good grief, when I started to read the post I was expecting it to only have been a few weeks, not a year! YABU, he's been more than fair here.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 29/01/2022 20:09

OP unless there is a massive drip feed and you have an actual reason for him not to introduce his partner to HIS children, then you a being massively unreasonable. Yes you might not like it, but there is nothing you can or should do. Just be there for your kids when they get home.

CornishGem1975 · 29/01/2022 20:10

There's absolutely zilch you can do unless you have a safeguarding concern.

Brightwell12 · 29/01/2022 20:10

My ex was taking our dc round to the ow's house for 2 months before we split.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 29/01/2022 20:12

@Brightwell12

My ex was taking our dc round to the ow's house for 2 months before we split.
So sorry Flowers What a bastard
Original poster
Mumshine101 · 29/01/2022 20:13

@KurtWilde definitely not the same situation

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumshine101 · 29/01/2022 20:14

@Brightwell12

My ex was taking our dc round to the ow's house for 2 months before we split.
Jesus, now that is something else! I’m so sorry!
OP posts:
BurntToastAgain · 29/01/2022 20:16

Don’t demand to meet her first. That’s no less controlling than any of the rest of this.

You wouldn’t be going into that meeting with the right intentions as you clearly think it’s up to you to decide. So you’d be looking to judge her.

Get some counselling to come to terms with what getting divorced means.

girlmom21 · 29/01/2022 20:17

@MoonlightFancy

Are your ex and his girlfriend dating long distance? I’m sure I’ve seen the reverse of this thread tonight.
It was posted almost immediately afterwards as well
CharbetHallmark · 29/01/2022 20:17

Do you still have feelings for your ex?

girlmom21 · 29/01/2022 20:18

@CharbetHallmark

Do you still have feelings for your ex?
I think we all clearly know the answer to this question.
LiG123 · 29/01/2022 20:18

Has she got children? Seen a similar thread in reverse 👀

Soul11Soul · 29/01/2022 20:19

Why are you even considering court and changing contact? So you think your children only deserve contact and a good relationship with their dad if he does what you you tell him to. You literally don't have the right to take that away from them. And you'll be on to plums if you think that a court would look unfavourably on him because he has a relationship.

TheFormidableMrsC · 29/01/2022 20:21

From my own experiences there is nothing you can do. My ex-h's solicitor told him 6 months at a minimum. She was the OW. He did it about 3 seconds after. None of it went well, she is now subject to a prohibited steps order and both he and her have no contact with my child. She was a shit of a human though who didn't want my son around at all and was consumed with jealousy.

If you see a solicitor they will tell you it's not up to you. As your children's father he is able to judge whether this person is safe to be around your children and you would be able to do the same. I don't minimise the pain this will cause you. You have to get on with it and see how it goes. I hope she's a nice person. Thanks

MooSakah · 29/01/2022 20:23

I really don't get why it's an issue. You didn't want him any more. He's moved on.

TheFormidableMrsC · 29/01/2022 20:23

And actually to add, my close friend found out about the OW as her husband was taking her out with the kids long before he left. That's a shit way to behave. I think a year is OK. It's also OK to feel how you do. On that say, find yourself something lovely to do, concentrate on you.