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Original poster

Don’t want my kids to meet my ex’s partner

422 replies

Mumshine101 · 29/01/2022 18:19

My ex and I split 15 months ago, we have 2 young kids together (under 5) the split was mutual, but he moved on pretty quickly after our split.

He now wants his new partner to meet our kids (they have been seeing each other for almost a year. I do not want her to meet the kids, I think it’s too soon, he disagrees and says it will be happening regardless of what I say. He says I’m trying to be controlling

What can I do here? I don’t want them meeting her. Can I stop it from happening? What can I do if he introduces her without my consent?

OP posts:
dancemom · 29/01/2022 18:45

It doesn't matter what you think or feel though. He's their parent and he doesn't have to consult you on anything.

Thesheerrelief · 29/01/2022 18:45

@Mumshine101

I get the feeling they are going to move in together and this is why this is happening now, I’m just not okay with that. I think my kids should have their dad to themselves for a bit longer than introducing someone new
In the nicest way possible it isn't relevant if you're okay with it or not. If you posted here the other way around people would be saying you'd be sensible to wait a year (like your ex has) and that your ex is controlling to try to dictate to you.

If you try to cause problems with contact then not only will that be upsetting for your children, but it may go against you in court. You not thinking it's the right time is not a legal basis for preventing anything.

Original poster
Mumshine101 · 29/01/2022 18:45

I did want him back, I don’t now. I just don’t think it’s the right time for the kids. We have only been separated for 15 months and in my view they are still adjusting to this new life. He should wait longer

OP posts:
unicornsarereal72 · 29/01/2022 18:45

There is nothing you can do. Would you let him dictate who is around you and the children in your time? He can have who he wants in his life whilst with the children. And if they are soon to be moving in surely it is better the children start to get to know her now.

The children will take their lead from you. If you show anxiety or concern over this so will they. When they meet her if they mention it. Just say that great. Hope you had fun.

My ex moved In With ow 12 after he left the family home. Kids went eow and slept in with them. There were some concerns raised by school and a safe guarding was raised. But it was quickly bounced back as 'different parenting styles'. He was allowed to be a shit parent and ignore the children's emotional well being.

Best you can do is not even engage in a conversation about it. As long as the other person is kind to the kids then you need to let it go.

MooSakah · 29/01/2022 18:46

@Mumshine101

I did want him back, I don’t now. I just don’t think it’s the right time for the kids. We have only been separated for 15 months and in my view they are still adjusting to this new life. He should wait longer
Tough he thinks it's fine. He is also their parent so gets to decide what he wants to do.
AnneLovesGilbert · 29/01/2022 18:46

They can move in together whenever they like. They can get married and have a handful of babies if they want to. He’s not yours to control. The children aren’t solely yours to control.

paname · 29/01/2022 18:47

This has reverse written all over it...

MooSakah · 29/01/2022 18:47

I'd be grateful he's waited a year to be honest. Sounds like he's taken his time to get to know his new girlfriend and they must be considering their future carefully. Better that than have him having a new girlfriend every month hanging around them.

DiddyHeck · 29/01/2022 18:48

This is all very 'ME, ME, ME' and 'I, I, I'.

This is not about you OP, it's about him introducing his kids to his partner of 1 year because he thinks it's time. That's all there is to it.

Original poster
Mumshine101 · 29/01/2022 18:48

@paname

This has reverse written all over it...
What’s reverse?
OP posts:
jessyjo2 · 29/01/2022 18:48

Surely if they are about to move in together it would be better the children are introduced now. I think a year is long not to have met the children.

GiftWrappingLikeItsXmasEve · 29/01/2022 18:48

There is nothing you can do, and really now nothing you should do either. It’s his decision now, I don’t think you should make it any harder for him and help your DC see the positive.

user1019273703 · 29/01/2022 18:48

As hard as it is you wont be able to stop it happening. You are lucky that he was waited a year. Having been through the courts myself don't even bother with a solicitor you will be told you are being unreasonable.

Applesarenice · 29/01/2022 18:48

If he is going to move in with her then it’s inevitable that they will meet. Essentially you are asking him to stall his life because you feel uncomfortable and if you push this it will reflect badly on you. As long as you act like you are ok with it then your children will likely follow suit. I sympathise but you need to stop trying to control the situation

WorriedGiraffe · 29/01/2022 18:48

Your kids are both under 5, they will be used to you being separated now! You can’t control your exs life, and being jealous of your kids meeting another woman would be a terrible reason to destroy the co parenting relationship you have with their dad. Sorry to tell you but you are the one in the wrong here.

KurtWilde · 29/01/2022 18:48

Well there's nothing you can do to stop him, and I totally get where you're coming from. It's more change for your DC after a split, and you don't know how she'll be with them or how they'll feel about being around her.

But.

If you look at the positives..

He could've introduced them after 6 weeks, but he's waited a year.

He could've introduced them without mentioning it to you, but he's been up front about it happening some time soon.

What you can do to help your DC, is be prepared to chat about it after that first meeting - which means putting your feelings aside, even if they come home gushing about how lovely she is or what fun they had - give a smile and a hug oh I'm glad you had fun.. keep it light then move on with your day.

It IS hard when your DC are introduced to ex's new partner, and I think women have their feelings about it minimised by being called controlling or jealous. It's a new phase in the separation, it will have a knock on effect especially if the new partner moves in and the DC struggle with that or there's issues in the future.

It's not always sweetness and light and smooth sailing when DC are introduced to a new gf, and there's nothing wrong with a mum having reservations about something that involves her DC even if she knows there's nothing she can do about it.

InFiveMins · 29/01/2022 18:49

It's a hard pill to swallow but he can introduce them to anyone he likes, whether you like it or not. I wouldn't be too pleased with it either, but given there is nothing you can do, I would let it go.

HelloDulling · 29/01/2022 18:49

@Mumshine101

We don’t have a contact order in place, we have worked it out ourselves to this point. If he doesn’t respect my wishes, would it go against him if he went for contact order?
What about his wishes? He’s been with this person for over a year. She’s a major part of his life, as are his children. Wanting to introduce them in a gentle, low-pressure way, is absolutely the next step.
IncompleteSenten · 29/01/2022 18:50

The court would take a very dim view of your behaviour. It would not end well for you.

Do what is best for your children and don't make this into a fight.

He's their dad. He loves them just as much as you do. He's waited a year. That is reasonable. Don't mix up how you feel about him moving on with what is truly in your children's best interests.

They will meet her. You can't control that. You can make that meeting better or worse.

Do the right thing for your children and don't cause them any confusion or fear.

lovelovelove2 · 29/01/2022 18:50

This could really go against you if it went to court. I have experienced first hand where the mother tried to stop me and DH spending time together when DSS was present and it had been about 7 months. It didn't go well for her in court.

MooSakah · 29/01/2022 18:51

You can't expect him to be single forever and he's found someone important so it's good to get the kids used to that. They might move in, get married and have a sibling for them who knows.

mbosnz · 29/01/2022 18:51

I'm very much afraid you do need to have to come to terms with the cold hard reality that what you think and what you want, in this instance does not matter. It is not up to you. It is not within your gift to dictate as to when you think it is acceptable for your ex partner to introduce his children to his new partner. They are his children as much as they are yours.

Original poster
Mumshine101 · 29/01/2022 18:53

By sounds of things I’m going to have to try and get on board with it. I just really don’t feel like it’s the right time and can’t believe there’s nothing I can do with such a big step in my children’s lives. I wouldn’t express negativity to my children though

OP posts:
JimmyShoo · 29/01/2022 18:53

It sounds as though he has taken their welfare into consideration. He could have introduced them after a few weeks (when you still could have done nothing about it), but he’s waited a year to ensure the relationship is stable.

You may not want it but he’s doing nothing wrong and you are coming across as controlling. How you react will have an influence on your children, be careful it’s not you that causes the damage by being negative about it.

Hercisback · 29/01/2022 18:53

If they're under 5 there's a good chance one of them has had more of their life with daddy living elsewhere than living with you. Daddy and mummy living together isn't their normal. 15 months is a long time at that age.