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Original poster

Don’t want my kids to meet my ex’s partner

422 replies

Mumshine101 · 29/01/2022 18:19

My ex and I split 15 months ago, we have 2 young kids together (under 5) the split was mutual, but he moved on pretty quickly after our split.

He now wants his new partner to meet our kids (they have been seeing each other for almost a year. I do not want her to meet the kids, I think it’s too soon, he disagrees and says it will be happening regardless of what I say. He says I’m trying to be controlling

What can I do here? I don’t want them meeting her. Can I stop it from happening? What can I do if he introduces her without my consent?

OP posts:
VioletOcean · 29/01/2022 18:56

He’s moved on m, he was a partner, let them be introduced to her

MooSakah · 29/01/2022 18:57

@Mumshine101

By sounds of things I’m going to have to try and get on board with it. I just really don’t feel like it’s the right time and can’t believe there’s nothing I can do with such a big step in my children’s lives. I wouldn’t express negativity to my children though
Try and think how you'd feel if it were the other way round though, you've met potentially the love of your life and waited a year before introducing then to your kids and then your ex started trying to control it and kick up a fuss. It's not good for future relations.
Fearnyleaves · 29/01/2022 18:57

How old are you children?

This is not about your children though. This is about how you feel about it. 'I just really don't feel like it's the right time'. Please don't try and dress that up as faux concern about your children, don't use them like that. I've been that child and it is horrible being played off against your other parent.

Lesperance · 29/01/2022 18:58

You are right, you just have to take it on the chin. I can see why you are not thrilled though.

TidyDancer · 29/01/2022 18:59

I'm sure there are parenting decisions you make that your ex isn't happy about, you are just going to have to view this in the same way. You have equal right to make choices for your DCs and you don't have to agree with each other.

FWIW it does sound like he's been sensible and considerate. Sadly I do think you sound controlling and jealous which is a shame.

KurtWilde · 29/01/2022 19:00

@Mumshine101

By sounds of things I’m going to have to try and get on board with it. I just really don’t feel like it’s the right time and can’t believe there’s nothing I can do with such a big step in my children’s lives. I wouldn’t express negativity to my children though
It is a big step, and I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling weird about it. But i think the sooner you come to terms with it, the sooner you'll realise it's not the end of the world.

Fwiw I think he's been quite considerate in waiting a year, and in speaking to you about it first. You've got a lot of years of co-parenting to do. It's a journey, that's for sure, and it's hard to push your own feelings aside when you don't agree on something. Unfortunately in this case you'll have to.

MajorCarolDanvers · 29/01/2022 19:02

Sorry but they've been together a year. You aren't being reasonable.

Would you be happy to allow him a veto over meeting people in your life?

It's up to him who he introduces to his children.

And yes he can do this without your consent.

TolkiensFallow · 29/01/2022 19:03

It is going to happen and you can’t stop it so you have to put your feelings aside, put your children first and figure the best way to support them to understand it and deal with it.

Glitterygreen · 29/01/2022 19:03

Sorry OP bit you are very wrong here and I am stunned to read you talking about 'would this go against him if he went for a contact order' etc as if you think it's something he should lose access for?!

It has been almost a year, it will be a casual meeting, she is not becoming their stepmother the second she meets them. I'm sure you wouldn't have an issue with him introducing one of his friends to them and this will be the same in their eyes.

Please try and take a step back and let this go.

Lbnc2021 · 29/01/2022 19:05

OP you aren’t concerned about your children, you just don’t want him moving on with his life and being happy.

gogohm · 29/01/2022 19:05

I say this with kindness - you need to realise that you don't have control over his contact time, which included his partner. I know it's hard

3peassuit · 29/01/2022 19:05

When would be the right time 2, 3 maybe 4 years?

Blahblahblah40 · 29/01/2022 19:08

@Mumshine101

By sounds of things I’m going to have to try and get on board with it. I just really don’t feel like it’s the right time and can’t believe there’s nothing I can do with such a big step in my children’s lives. I wouldn’t express negativity to my children though
You don’t have to be on board with it and support him to do it, but unfortunately will have to accept his decision as there’s nothing you can do. If it makes you feel any better my ex only waited a month to introduce new partner. However they are now very settled and the partner is a fantastic support to my DC which I am now glad of.

My advice, let your feelings be known to ex and then be there for your kids and answer their questions honestly if they have any afterwards. You’ll probably get a bit of upheaval behaviour wise for a while until everyone settles into their new roles and some “I wish you and daddy were still together”, but in time it will all work itself out. You could always ask to meet partner first or introduce yourself? Get the lay of the land so to speak. You have the advantage of being the parent who is able to devote their time to your DC, it will be an adjustment for them not to have 100% of Daddy’s attention. So in that respect you have the upper hand I guess.

AlDanvers · 29/01/2022 19:08

@Mumshine101

By sounds of things I’m going to have to try and get on board with it. I just really don’t feel like it’s the right time and can’t believe there’s nothing I can do with such a big step in my children’s lives. I wouldn’t express negativity to my children though
You can't believe you are not allowed to control his life and the decisions he makes as a parent? Really?
BoredZelda · 29/01/2022 19:08

I just really don’t feel like it’s the right time and can’t believe there’s nothing I can do with such a big step in my children’s lives.

What makes you think HE shouldn’t have a say in such a big step in HIS children’s lives?

Clymene · 29/01/2022 19:08

I think he sounds pretty considerate to be honest. I'm sorry you're finding this so hard but it feels like it's more about you than your children

girlmom21 · 29/01/2022 19:08

@Mumshine101

I did want him back, I don’t now. I just don’t think it’s the right time for the kids. We have only been separated for 15 months and in my view they are still adjusting to this new life. He should wait longer
If they're still adjusting it makes more sense to do it now than changing the situation again once they're fully adjusted IMO
HeyBlaby · 29/01/2022 19:09

You sound like a megalomaniac, he has left it a year, literally nothing you can do unless she has some kind of awful criminal record for violence or similar.

givemepiece · 29/01/2022 19:09

You do not have any say in it. And you shouldn't do either.

It really sounds like he's going about it perfectly, waiting a year for them to meet in a suitable environment where they can come and go, Letting you know before hand....

OnaBegonia · 29/01/2022 19:12

When would be right? 2 years? 3?
You're being ridiculous, my DPs ex carried on like this, her controlling behaviour is now driving her now teens away.

DreamTheMoors · 29/01/2022 19:17

I understand your anger & perhaps even resentment towards your ex & his friend, truly I do.
This is not about them, though — it’s about your children and their feelings and reactions to meeting their father’s friend. And they will.
You cannot in any way prevent this.

You need to be calm, rational, loving and supportive of your children and try really hard to remain neutral over any relationship your ex may have as long as your kids are safe.
How you choose to do that is completely up to you, so I suggest you think long and hard about saying negative things about the couple — which may affect your relationship with the children when they’re older.
I’ve seen it happen in real life, and ruin a parent/child relationship forever. It’s a sad state of affairs when a mother tries to poison her children against their father and his new wife and ends up permanently damaging her own relationship with them. It was all so unnecessary.
I wish you the best, @Mumshine101 Flowers

WonderfulYou · 29/01/2022 19:18

I completely get what you’re saying but there is literally nothing you can do about it.

If anything the more you express your concerns, the more he’ll do it just to annoy you and make out like you’re the crazy ex.

If it was me I would have to be a bit petty and text him apologising that you were in the wrong and you know he’d only ever introduce the DCs to someone decent who he’s planning on staying with long term - if you act ok with it he will be secretly annoyed. It smell also show your DC you are supportive of each other and he can’t say nothing when you find a new partner.

Fireflygal · 29/01/2022 19:20

@Mumshine101, you will need to change your thinking. You are not a gate keeper for the children. He is a equal parent in law. If you went to mediation or court you would be considered unreasonable.

Whilst your children are young they will adapt quicker. It gets more challenging as they get older.

Your ex seems to have the right idea with a low key meeting .

Kitkat151 · 29/01/2022 19:22

He has PR same as you....he doesn’t need your consent.....he’s probably ready to settle down again....he making a new family with his partner and his children.....same as you can do in future if you meet someone else......the kids will be fine

PrincessNikla · 29/01/2022 19:25

@Mumshine101

I get the feeling they are going to move in together and this is why this is happening now, I’m just not okay with that. I think my kids should have their dad to themselves for a bit longer than introducing someone new
It's not up to you to be ok with it. Give yourself a shake, he is moving on, and that's good. Did you want him never to introduce his new partner?

Does he have any say about your lovelife?

He's waited a year, and been sensible about it, and without any dripfeed, doing nothing wrong.