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Original poster

Don’t want my kids to meet my ex’s partner

422 replies

Mumshine101 · 29/01/2022 18:19

My ex and I split 15 months ago, we have 2 young kids together (under 5) the split was mutual, but he moved on pretty quickly after our split.

He now wants his new partner to meet our kids (they have been seeing each other for almost a year. I do not want her to meet the kids, I think it’s too soon, he disagrees and says it will be happening regardless of what I say. He says I’m trying to be controlling

What can I do here? I don’t want them meeting her. Can I stop it from happening? What can I do if he introduces her without my consent?

OP posts:
blyn72 · 31/01/2022 19:12

Leave it up to the children to decide, see what your eldest thinks about meeting the woman.

clpsmum · 31/01/2022 19:29

@girlmom21

You are being controlling. How long are you expecting him to wait?
This ^ they are his kids too
clpsmum · 31/01/2022 19:31

@Mumshine101

We don’t have a contact order in place, we have worked it out ourselves to this point. If he doesn’t respect my wishes, would it go against him if he went for contact order?
No because your wishes are unreasonable. The courts are very hot on children maintaining a relationship with their father so be careful it could go against you. I know it must hurt but you are being unreasonable and controlling
Nomoreusernames1244 · 31/01/2022 19:33

I wouldn't like it either especially with such young children. She could be anybody. But sadly I don't think there is very much you can do to stop it happening

So if you’d been dating a new partner for a year,and your ex said he wasn’t happy your kids were meeting him, because “he could be anybody”, you’d think that was perfectly reasonable?

Bear in mind dads also have to deal with the fact that their exes new partners go on to live with their children, and take up a fairly big parenting role, and get praised for it. While they see their kids every other weekend.

AlDanvers · 31/01/2022 19:44

@Viviennemary

I wouldn't like it either especially with such young children. She could be anybody. But sadly I don't think there is very much you can do to stop it happening.
So you never introduced your kids to any new people while they were young. New friends, new adults at a hobby. No one in the family got a new partner and if they did you didn't let your kids meet them? They could have been anybody, surely?

Until what age did you keel them away from new people?

2DogsOnMySofa · 31/01/2022 21:32

I know it's difficult op, but your ex has as much say in your dc's lives as you do. Primary carer or not! You're coming across as very controlling, re Christmas, why does he have to give up Xmas day because you won't. You're depriving your dc a proper and good relationship with their father, that's simply not right. You are being very selfish. Your children will thank you if you encourage the relationship with your ex and his partner. It's so much better to agree and be sensible when it comes to contact, because if he takes it to court you may find yourself with 50/50 parenting

Sounds like you're bordering on parent alienation which I believe is illegal now

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 31/01/2022 21:35

How has this man not taken you to court yet? Hopefully his new girlfriend will support him as he fights for his kids rights seeing as their mother doesn’t care what’s best for them!

justustwoandmoo · 31/01/2022 21:41

Ah the irony of this thread....😂😂.

Women post about introducing their partners (male) to the kids after nearly two years and gets ripped to shreds.

Responses to this one after only a year....you are being controlling.

You gotta love Mumsnet!!

Fairycake2 · 31/01/2022 22:02

@CamelotPudding

You sound like you are utterly awful to co parent with OP. I actually feel sorry for your ex.

It's fuck all to do with you whether he introduces her to the children, literally ZERO to do with you. You being primary care giver means absolutely nothing. Stop acting like you have any say over his time with HIS children. You don't. The sooner you accept that the better for everyone.

He had them Boxing Day. There’s no way I’m giving up Christmas Day with our kids. It’s not a compromise I’m willing to make. That’s why I let him come over for Xmas eve and Christmas morning, but I’m sorry I just won’t give that up.

Wow. How would you feel if someone said you could never see your kids on Christmas? And all of the above is about what you want. I won't give him this, I won't compromise that. Maybe your kids may want to see their Dad on Christmas sometimes? Do you care?

Stop being so selfish. I get it, they are your kids and it's hard but he is every bit their parent as you are.

This!

OP you sound completely unreasonable and totally selfish. Please take the advice from pp and do what's best for your children

IncompleteSenten · 31/01/2022 22:11

@justustwoandmoo

Ah the irony of this thread....😂😂.

Women post about introducing their partners (male) to the kids after nearly two years and gets ripped to shreds.

Responses to this one after only a year....you are being controlling.

You gotta love Mumsnet!!

The same posters?
Nomoreusernames1244 · 31/01/2022 22:30

Women post about introducing their partners (male) to the kids after nearly two years and gets ripped to shreds

Where? I’ve never seen that. Months yes, but years?

Even so, the risk assessment is different. Male partners moving in to live full time in the children’s main residence is a much bigger deal, IMO, than a dad’s female partner who will see them EOW.

VioletPetals · 31/01/2022 22:36

He had them Boxing Day. There’s no way I’m giving up Christmas Day with our kids. It’s not a compromise I’m willing to make. That’s why I let him come over for Xmas eve and Christmas morning, but I’m sorry I just won’t give that up.

Do you not get that it’s about what your kids want and what is best for them,
Not what you want.

You sound so incredibly selfish, every post is about what you want and how you feel.
It’s not about you.
Their father is as equal of a parent to them as you are, no more no less, he has just as much right to make decisions for his children as you do.

Stop putting your own selfish pettiness ahead of what is best for your children.
And instead of trying to fight the inevitable start acting like a grown up and help plan the meeting and prepare your children for meeting this woman.

You have no legal standing to try to stop this happening so why not do what is best for your children and figure out the best way for it to happen.

Original poster
Mumshine101 · 31/01/2022 23:11

@VioletPetals

He had them Boxing Day. There’s no way I’m giving up Christmas Day with our kids. It’s not a compromise I’m willing to make. That’s why I let him come over for Xmas eve and Christmas morning, but I’m sorry I just won’t give that up.

Do you not get that it’s about what your kids want and what is best for them,
Not what you want.

You sound so incredibly selfish, every post is about what you want and how you feel.
It’s not about you.
Their father is as equal of a parent to them as you are, no more no less, he has just as much right to make decisions for his children as you do.

Stop putting your own selfish pettiness ahead of what is best for your children.
And instead of trying to fight the inevitable start acting like a grown up and help plan the meeting and prepare your children for meeting this woman.

You have no legal standing to try to stop this happening so why not do what is best for your children and figure out the best way for it to happen.

I know he’s also the equal parent. But I think the children should wake up in their family home at Christmas, he’s not longer part of that family home. It’s what they are used too. Why change that disrupt what they know as Christmas Day?
OP posts:
justustwoandmoo · 31/01/2022 23:21

@Mumshine101 I know this is hard. It's the most painful thing. I went through it and had to watch my daughter spend time with her dads new partner. You really really need to stop and think this through before it's too late. You are now separated. This means that the kids need to have a good solid relationship with you both.

You don't get to decide that you want the kids every Christmas Day. It just isn't in your power any more. If you go to court you will lose with these type of things.

Please listen to reason and listen to what people are saying. Otherwise you will lose out in the long run when your kids resent you for controlling access to their father.

You can do this. Be strong!!

LittleMissMoggy · 31/01/2022 23:37

OP I am horrified by your posts. Please get some professional help for your mental state. Put your children first and set your feelings aside. My parents divorced and I'm so thankful that there was no game playing like this.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 31/01/2022 23:43

But I think the children should wake up in their family home at Christmas, he’s not longer part of that family home. It’s what they are used too. Why change that disrupt what they know as Christmas Day?

Because they have two parents and what they know as Christmas Day is seeing them both during that special day.

Now you aren't together, that means sharing the day with a compromise like one doing the morning and one doing the evening.

It's not what you want but what the children need is more important than that.

The consistency and stability needs to come from them maintaining equally strong and healthy relationships with both their parents, not from simply being in the same building as before on that day each year.

You said the split was mutual yet you're punishing him for being 'the one who left'. Yet clearly you wanted to stay in the family home which meant he was always going to be 'the one who left' in order for you to get your wish on that front... now you're planning to punish him for it by restricting access to his kids on Christmas days?!

If you went to court, it would overwhelmingly likely be agreed that you'd split the time of holidays. It would 100% be the case that neither of you had a say in who the other introduced the kids to, at any stage of a relationship. Even if the person they planned to introduce was a criminal, for example, it would have to be court ordered that access was not permitted.

You're being unfair to the kids and weaponising them to get at him. I cannot begin to explain how damaging that is to a kid.

saraclara · 31/01/2022 23:59

I know he’s also the equal parent. But I think the children should wake up in their family home at Christmas, he’s not longer part of that family home. It’s what they are used too. Why change that disrupt what they know as Christmas Day?

His home is their home too. Or it should be. And if you're preventing it from being so, as someone else said, you're verging on parental alienation, and that will end very badly for you.

If you truly want your children to grow up happy and well balanced, you will facilitate their relationship with their father. And that means them being comfortable and at home at his place, and comfortable with his partner.

If you want to prevent those things from happening, then you're lying about wanting the best for your children.

Tiramysu · 01/02/2022 05:41

His home is their home too. If you moved house you wouldn't expect not to have them on Xmas day.

Tiramysu · 01/02/2022 05:42

@saraclara

I know he’s also the equal parent. But I think the children should wake up in their family home at Christmas, he’s not longer part of that family home. It’s what they are used too. Why change that disrupt what they know as Christmas Day?

His home is their home too. Or it should be. And if you're preventing it from being so, as someone else said, you're verging on parental alienation, and that will end very badly for you.

If you truly want your children to grow up happy and well balanced, you will facilitate their relationship with their father. And that means them being comfortable and at home at his place, and comfortable with his partner.

If you want to prevent those things from happening, then you're lying about wanting the best for your children.

Agree, be careful OP. I know you just want the best but if he took you to court your actions won't go down well there.
AlDanvers · 01/02/2022 06:05

I know he’s also the equal parent. But I think the children should wake up in their family home at Christmas, he’s not longer part of that family home. It’s what they are used too. Why change that disrupt what they know as Christmas Day?

They have 2 family homes.

Tbh if I was his friend I would tell him to get to court, get everything done officially because its quite clear you don't give a shit about anyone but yourself. You are going to cuase constant issues out of revenge.

You sound like my ex did. I left so he thought he could dictate all the terms. Completely ignoring that he was a controlling bastard and I had no choice to leave. I would be very surprised if this selfishness and controlling behaviour you have, only happened once he mentioned the kids meeting his new partner. No one jumps straight to taking their ex to court in the hope it makes them look bad.

My kids are now 11 and 17. They barely see their dad who started with 50:50. Mainly because if his controlling behaviour and his behaviour in front of them towards me. Just being with him stressed them out. His attempts to control them through guilt when he realised they didn't listen to his lies, wore thin. He attempted to alienate me from them. But alienated himself. Even his own Dad can't be arsed with him because its clear what he tried to do.

I have 2 kids who have needed alot of support because of their dad's need to get back at me because I dared leave him.

But even if your kids, submit to your control and view you as the parent who gets to decided everything for everyone. You will have messed them up anyway.

Hyenaormeercat · 01/02/2022 06:19

You sound like my sons ex OP..she also believes her family is the the children's only family. He has never had his kids on Christmas day either.

Hopefully once the children are old enough they will vote with their feet.

She may find that 'family' excludes her once they realise they were used as weapons against their father.

Stravaig · 01/02/2022 06:31

It sounds like your ex should formalise the custody arrangements through the courts, as they will quickly limit how controlling how you can be.

You're passing off your own anger, jealousy and coercive behaviour as 'concern for the kids'. It will mess them up if you don't get a grip on it.

Tiramysu · 01/02/2022 06:34

@Stravaig

It sounds like your ex should formalise the custody arrangements through the courts, as they will quickly limit how controlling how you can be.

You're passing off your own anger, jealousy and coercive behaviour as 'concern for the kids'. It will mess them up if you don't get a grip on it.

I agree, and mean this kindly, you need to deal with your feelings before you mess up your kids.
girlmom21 · 01/02/2022 06:46

I know he’s also the equal parent. But I think the children should wake up in their family home at Christmas, he’s not longer part of that family home. It’s what they are used too. Why change that disrupt what they know as Christmas Day?

You said the split was mutual.
You've already disrupted what they know by separating and their dad not being there.

They're both under 5. They're the perfect age to adapt.

SuPerDoPer · 01/02/2022 06:47

I think I probably had the same attitude re: Christmas when we first split up. I was terrified of being on my own, or worse being stuck with elderly family members, while my ex and his new partner got to play happy families with my babies. So I do understand the OPs perspective. We agreed they would go to his for a few hours in the afternoon in the end. I used the time to tidy up and get some tea ready. Since then I've reached (in my own time) the understanding that the children deserve equal time with their dad, including special occasions, and we generally split the day as described above alternating mornings and afternoons and the DC seem to really like the change of pace after lunch. It does mean neither of us can go away for xmas but this might change again as they get older and start having stronger opinions, which we will listen to of course.

Of course the OP is wrong to prevent her kids from seeing their father at Xmas but I understand how hard it is to let go. I think most people would struggle with that too.