Don’t want my kids to meet my ex’s partner

[Mumshine101]

My ex and I split 15 months ago, we have 2 young kids together (under 5) the split was mutual, but he moved on pretty quickly after our split.

He now wants his new partner to meet our kids (they have been seeing each other for almost a year. I do not want her to meet the kids, I think it’s too soon, he disagrees and says it will be happening regardless of what I say. He says I’m trying to be controlling

What can I do here? I don’t want them meeting her. Can I stop it from happening? What can I do if he introduces her without my consent?

@Wherearemymarbles

Kurt, clearly a case of reading what you want to read and ignoring the rest.

So if you want to avoid looking like a complete idiot i suggest you go back and carefully read the ops posts.

I've read it. It seems like some of you however have made your own narrative from a tiny amount of information.

I absolutely get you OP. I went through the same, and it can be so stressful as you don’t know what this woman is like, and whether she will treat your DCs well. It’s like allowing a stranger, someone you’ve never met, being introduced to the most precious people in your life. Talk to your ex in a calm none-confrontational way, and tell him your thoughts, and how you want this to be played out. Ie, not wanting the gf to have any input into the coparenting you currently have between you both with your dc, and that any decisions regarding your DCs are dealt with only by the two of you. You need your dc not to see that you’re upset about it, because you need to ensure they are comfortable coming to you with any concerns or issues they might have with the gf. Things will start to feel better once you see they’re ok following visits. Just remain alert to any upset or unsettled behaviour in your DCs.

[quote KurtWilde]@MrsKeats I don't have any issues. That's the whole point. NONE of us know exactly what the OP and her exh have agreed upon between them. And yet half of you here have decided she doesn't care about her children's happiness! [/quote]
No most of us are reading the thread.

What's most damaging to children, when parents split, is how the parents react. Wanting to go to court over introducing a partner of a year with the aim of damaging the ex standing as their parent is not good for the children. It's that sort of petty shit that ends up with all sorts of drama and ultimately the kids lose out.

Saying they can't see him at for Christmas, ever, because he left her (not them) is not putting the kids first.

There's nothing in this where op is putting them first. They will not be damaged by meeting a perfectly decent partner of a year. As long as all the adults involved, act like adults. But op doesn't want to act like an adult. That's not putting her kids first.

Everything on this thread is about ops anger that he dared leave her. It's about her.

@OnceUponAThread

Honestly, I think you need to prepare yourself for a bumpy road ahead.

You're being completely unreasonable about him making introductions, and even more so about Christmas.

If you don't learn to bend and put your kids' need to have a decent relationship with their father above your own wants - you could end up with a nasty shock.

1. your ex could and - given what we've seen here - should take you to court. Court will tell you it's none of your business when he introduces them, and more critically will most likely order you to alternate Christmas.

2. he could (reasonably) claim parental alienation and go to Cafcass. This would reflect badly on you and may lead to more court ordered contact for him.

3. you might upset and even traumatise your children. Building this up into a massive deal when it's not will make it harder not easier for them.

4. this could all end up with your kids resenting you when they're older if they think you've blocked that relationship.

FWIW DH's ex blocked me meeting the girls for ages. They have said they found it really stressful and it made them incredibly anxious about it. It turned into a massive Thing when it should have been casual. Both girls have said they wished it had been much earlier and breezier.

Eldest girl started staying here more than 50% as soon as she was old enough to decide. She's started pulling away from mum because of all the toxicity towards her dad and hates being put in the middle.

We have been doing our best to try and protect their relationship and encourage her to spend significant time with mum. We think it's really important that her relationship with mum is strong. But she is so furious about some of the stuff that mum says / does that it's hard.

Youngest girl is moving in the same direction.

This

OP you need to readjust your perspective and learn to coparent.
You asked what the court will think of him going against your wishes and the answer is they wont care and will say you are being unreasonable both about the introduction and your unwillingness to compromise.

DSS is here alternate christmases and when he was younger ( his parents split when he was 2) he would split Christmas day so morning mums afternoon dads or vice versa.
Your kids have a right to Christmas with dad as well.

Are some people seriously unable to see the obvious language that shows the OP is only thinking about her own feelings and believes she should be in control of everything?

It’s all ‘l think’, ‘I feel’, ‘I let‘ and so on.

They way it’s coming across, the OP is not thinking about how her children feel or what they need at all, she’s deciding that what she feels and what she wants is all that needs to be considered. Her children are an extension of her and a stick to beat her ex with for leaving her.

”He had them Boxing Day. There’s no way I’m giving up Christmas Day with our kids. It’s not a compromise I’m willing to make. That’s why I let him come over for Xmas eve and Christmas morning, but I’m sorry I just won’t give that up.”

So you’re making your kids sacrifice the opportunity to have Christmas with their dad, as part of your revenge on him for leaving you?

What if he also said “There’s no way I’m giving up Christmas Day with our kids”? He could equally easily say that. You’d end up in front of a judge who’d say every other year.

If you dig your heels in so much and refuse to be halfway reasonable, this will no longer be anything approaching amicable, will involve courts and legal proceedings and will be worse for your children.

@MooSakah

there’s no way I’m giving up Christmas Day with our kids. It’s not a compromise I’m willing to make. that's so cruel. I feel sorry for your kids tbh.

Me too. If the kids adore their dad as much as you say, you're only making them miss out.

Your ex is being really reasonable here so it seems.
It's never going to feel the right time for you. But waiting a year is a damn lot better than many other people.

There's a lot of 'I want' 'I let him' 'I won't do this'

Your children are 50% his. You wouldn't like it if he started with all these wants and demands.

I'm sorry, it must be hard, but the way you're acting isn't fair at all.

I hope the guy can have his kids next Christmas Day.

You don’t really have a choice. Waking up Christmas Day without them every other year is hard, but you can make new traditions for yourself.

We swap back at 3.30pm Christmas Day, so that whoever is without them in the morning still has them for the part of the day. That works well (although it means eating a bit earlier than some people might)

You will develop your own life OP, and can start to see the time when they are with their dad as time for you to develop your own interests. Maybe you will meet someone else when you are ready.

I am remarried and on days like Christmas Day, if we don’t have DC in the morning, my DH and I enjoy the quiet time together, whilst also looking forward to the chaos of when they return later in the day. The best of both worlds

Stop using the kids as a weapon FFS. It will only backfire on you one day.

OP I really think you need to look at some counselling or support to work through your mindset. Everything you're saying is so unreasonable, you have split up and cannot control your ex's life or ban your children from ever spending Christmas with him instead of you. It's a terrible way to think and very unfair on your children.

Please step back and just consider the way you're behaving. I understand your feelings are strong and it might feel like what everyone is saying is ridiculous from where you are standing, but genuinely you are being highly unfair and what you are demanding will not lead to effective coparenting for your children.

he left in the end so I shouldn’t have to sacrifice Christmas. He left. While I understand now it was for the best, completely, he still left.

I'm a bit confused.

How does this reconcile with :

the split was mutual, but he moved on pretty quickly after our split.

Or is the real issue - we agreed to split, but then we did, but it was on his terms, not mine, so I'm still really pissed off about it, and therefore going to weaponise the kids to get back at him?

@mbosnz Tbh it reads to me like the main issue is OP struggling to adjust to all the changes and lack of control that a marital split brings. Which is natural at first, especially if you're used to being the carer for the children 95% of the time or more, but you do have to come to terms and make a big effort to let some things go so things can work in the long term.

A big part - if not the biggest - of splitting up a family is that neither of you have have any control any more over what your children do/are fed/wear etc when with the other parent. Or who they meet, unless there is a genuine fear of harm. And you do have to spend some occasions without them so they can be with their other parent. You can't have them for every Christmas, every birthday, every New Year's Eve etc.

You can't be split up from someone but still dictate exactly what they do with the children. You just don't have that power anymore when you're an ex.

You can't be split up from someone but still dictate exactly what they do with the children. You just don't have that power anymore when you're an ex

Tbh even if you’re together you shouldn’t be dictating every move. I wouldn’t tell dh he can’t take the kids to see his mum on christmas day, for example, because I want to see my family every year. Or vet everyone he takes his child to meet.

Anyone who thinks they have “that power” to stop a parent parenting their child, relationship or not, needs to look at their behaviour.

Regardless of who left who, your children should still see their dad on Christmas Day.

Imagine if this was the other way round and, for instance, you left your ex as he was emotionally abusive. It would be so unfair for your ex to not allow you to have your children on Christmas Day as it was you who left him!

15 pages of everyone saying (nicely) - he's not being unreasonable.

Multiple replies from OP not listening.

15 months is a VERY Long time to children. I would focus on making peace with your past before you screw up your childrens present.

Your ex sounds VERY very patient. You sound very controlling. He's entitled 100% to introduce them.

@Nomoreusernames1244

You can't be split up from someone but still dictate exactly what they do with the children. You just don't have that power anymore when you're an ex

Tbh even if you’re together you shouldn’t be dictating every move. I wouldn’t tell dh he can’t take the kids to see his mum on christmas day, for example, because I want to see my family every year. Or vet everyone he takes his child to meet.

Anyone who thinks they have “that power” to stop a parent parenting their child, relationship or not, needs to look at their behaviour.

Oh defo, completely agree.

I just meant more that some mums are used to ruling the roost when it comes to the kids when the family is together, because they do the bulk of the care and spend more time with the kids and know their every move. Then they struggle after a split to appreciate that they cannot maintain that level of oversight anymore, and end up causing massive issues, but they can't see it's them that's in the wrong.

Eg here, to me, it's clear that OP is causing ructions between herself and her ex. Talking about contact orders and whether it would (hopefully) impact him that he'd introduced a new partner, saying he can't have the kids for Christmas because she won't give that up etc etc. But if she was explaining to someone else, she would likely say that her ex is in the wrong for moving on 'too fast', putting himself/his partner before the kids, etc etc. So many can't see the wood for the trees and that it's their own behaviour and refusal to adjust to their new circumstances that is making things so much harder.

Honestly Op
As everyone has told you on this thread, you have absolutely no control over who your ex introduces his children just like he can't dictate to you who you introduce the kids to
Secondly you need to be careful about being so regimented in your views. Once the dust settles some more it's very likely that your ex's new partner will point out some of the unfairness re Xmas and the like. If he takes you to court , he will absolutely get ever second Xmas, I'd really try to be fairly reasonable if your dealings with him now as you'll will just end up worse off if courts get involved .

It's almost unheard of for an entire thread full of MNers to side with a male ex.

THAT'S how unreasonable you're being, OP. We can all see that you're not only being unfair to your ex, you're also damaging your kids, while claiming that you have their best interests at heart.

OP, my mother prevented us from spending Christmas with our father when he left her.
The result is that now, as an adult, I have a wonderful relationship with my father, whilst being angry and resentful with my mother. I barely see her, and I certainly don't see her at Christmas. Don't destroy your relationship with your children by trying to punish their father.

Have you thought of sharing Christmas Eve/Day like I used to with my ex?

Year 1 - children to father’s Christmas Eve a.m, return home 3pm Christmas Day.

Year 2 - children at home, go to father’s 3pm Christmas Day.

I can’t say I was fond of the year 1 set up, but as everyone else is telling you IT WASN’T ABOUT ME.

If you really play up over every single petty thing, your ex could get sole residency.

OP I do think in your situation I'd be thinking the same thing. I wouldn't want to give up Christmas, I wouldn't be wanting my ex to bring a possible new step parent into their lives without us all being onboard etc.
However, just because I agree with how you feel doesn't mean I think you should act on any of this. Christmas can't be about what you want. Meeting the new partner cannot be on your terms.
You're in danger of pushing your ex to take drastic action and possibly ruining your relationship with your kids in the future.

If you carry on refusing Christmas's for him, at some point he's more than likely to go for a proper contact order then. I don't blame him tbh. You're being entirely unreasonable by saying he left so doesn't deserve to see them at Christmas! Parents using their children as a weapon to hurt the other parent thoroughly disgust me. My own mother did this and it's taken years to repair and forgive.

You've been lucky that your ex has gone along with this.

If you tried the legal route then you'd be told that as an equal partner, he can introduce who he likes when he likes. Even if he introduced her 15 days after they started dating then there'd be nothing that you could do.

With regards to Christmas as well, you need to start considering a fairer system. I'm divorced with an ex who lives about 30 mins away and kids who want to see both of us on the 25th so there's a handover then. Some parents hand over on different days like the 24th or 26th but it's important to alternate. If you went to court, your ex would get Christmas Day on alternate years as courts think that kids should see both parents on important days like that. Do you at least have a fairer system for birthdays and Fathers/Mothers Day ?

@Nomoreusernames1244

He had them Boxing Day. There’s no way I’m giving up Christmas Day with our kids. It’s not a compromise I’m willing to make. That’s why I let him come over for Xmas eve and Christmas morning, but I’m sorry I just won’t give that up

What about your ex? Why should he miss out on every christmas for the rest of his children’s lives?

Why is what you want more important than the child’s father?

My dh has never spent christmas day with his kids from age 3. They are now adults. It broke him, and the kids just don’t have the same relationship as they see their “family” now as mum’s relatives and their stepdads.

It’s cruel and selfish.

Well if he goes to court, maybe you will have to suck it up.

I wouldn't like it either especially with such young children. She could be anybody. But sadly I don't think there is very much you can do to stop it happening.