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Original poster

Don’t want my kids to meet my ex’s partner

422 replies

Mumshine101 · 29/01/2022 18:19

My ex and I split 15 months ago, we have 2 young kids together (under 5) the split was mutual, but he moved on pretty quickly after our split.

He now wants his new partner to meet our kids (they have been seeing each other for almost a year. I do not want her to meet the kids, I think it’s too soon, he disagrees and says it will be happening regardless of what I say. He says I’m trying to be controlling

What can I do here? I don’t want them meeting her. Can I stop it from happening? What can I do if he introduces her without my consent?

OP posts:

LooseVsLose · 30/01/2022 17:36

OP - I’m so sorry you’re finding this so hard. But you must take a breath and keep reading the post by OnceUponAThread. You are shooting yourself in the foot here.

You have to find a way to love your children more than you hate your ex. For their sake.

Change123today · 30/01/2022 17:43

It sounds like he waited a good time before introducing the children to his partner - like the freedom you have as does he - the very fact he spoke to you first could either be him being a good person or reacting to your controlling behaviour.
None of this is healthy in co - parenting, whilst I fully understand in your mind you are putting your childrens needs first you actually putting how YOU feel about the situation first.

I couldn’t imagine never being able to spend Christmas Day ever with my Dad as my mother wouldn’t let allow it - think about that. Your children won’t love you more because they only ever spent it with you they will remember not being able to spend any of them with their Dad.

If you or him decide to go to court he will likely get a share of the Christmas/birthday most likely alternative - as this is the fair way.

Bakewelltart987 · 30/01/2022 17:46

O behave. They have been together a year you think they are planning on moving in together so off course she has to meet them. He has been responsible, respectful enough leaving it this long.

Honeyroar · 30/01/2022 17:50

You sound like you’re going to get a real shock when you go to court (and you’re definitely going to court if you carry on like this!) A judge won’t give a stuff what compromises you’re prepared to make, they’ll make sure the children get a fair share of their parents. It doesn’t matter who left. People leave partners. Life moves on. And children adapt. When the child asks whether you’ll get back together you’ve got to be honest and say no, and that you might meet other people, but you’ll both still love them and be their mummy and daddy.

altmember · 30/01/2022 17:53

[quote Mumshine101]@Kitkat151 it’s not what I want, of course not, but ultimately he left in the end so I shouldn’t have to sacrifice Christmas. He left. While I understand now it was for the best, completely, he still left.[/quote]
He left, so now you have to punish him and extract your revenge for ever more? You're not punishing him half as much as you're punishing your kids. If you carry on like this it'll fuck up your kids more than any breakup would. Good chance they'll end up resenting you for it.

Would you rather he stayed with you, pretending he was happy and living a lie 'for the sake of the kids? Because that invariably ends up causing a very toxic home environment for them.

I wonder if the reason he left you was because you were just as controlling when you were together?

Blueuggboots · 30/01/2022 17:56

Who makes the decision when it is right for the children? You?

Snally82 · 30/01/2022 17:57

[quote Mumshine101]@Kitkat151 it’s not what I want, of course not, but ultimately he left in the end so I shouldn’t have to sacrifice Christmas. He left. While I understand now it was for the best, completely, he still left.[/quote]
I don’t mean to be insensitive, but it’s not about you or what you sacrifice/lose out on. The children may even well ask to change this. My step daughter asks specifically for an equal split of all occasions and has done since she was 6. I know this is painful but it will get easier.

CamelotPudding · 30/01/2022 18:06

You sound like you are utterly awful to co parent with OP. I actually feel sorry for your ex.

It's fuck all to do with you whether he introduces her to the children, literally ZERO to do with you. You being primary care giver means absolutely nothing. Stop acting like you have any say over his time with HIS children. You don't. The sooner you accept that the better for everyone.

He had them Boxing Day. There’s no way I’m giving up Christmas Day with our kids. It’s not a compromise I’m willing to make. That’s why I let him come over for Xmas eve and Christmas morning, but I’m sorry I just won’t give that up.

Wow. How would you feel if someone said you could never see your kids on Christmas? And all of the above is about what you want. I won't give him this, I won't compromise that. Maybe your kids may want to see their Dad on Christmas sometimes? Do you care?

Stop being so selfish. I get it, they are your kids and it's hard but he is every bit their parent as you are.

CamelotPudding · 30/01/2022 18:07

@Blueuggboots

Who makes the decision when it is right for the children? You?

I imagine OP thinks yes. It seems she thinks she should rule all decisions in regards to the children.

She's going to be absolutely painful to co parent with I can tell from her posts.

CamelotPudding · 30/01/2022 18:10

@MooSakah

I too think dad should take this to court

Agree. A court wouldn't give a shiny shit what OP is willing to compromise or not.

felulageller · 30/01/2022 18:17

And what do you reply when eldest asks if you will get back together.

Tbh you sound like you have not come to terms with the split and long term consequences. It is hard.

It's better the DC get used to the new normal of having a step mum rather than having to adjust again after getting used to thinking he's single.

And they need to be told you have split for good.

How are you going to feel if they have DC's together?

Maybe start looking for a new DP for yourself.

blyn72 · 30/01/2022 18:21

@Mumshine101

I guess I’m worried about what my eldest will think or feel

Ask your eldest if he or she wants to meet dad's new girlfriend, they might be curious. I would have thought you were curious too.

I think at nearly a year it is time for them to meet, if it is a serious relationship.

Are you afraid the children may like girlfriend a bit too much?

Cardboardf0x · 30/01/2022 18:21

Op. You are literally in hot water if your ex takes you to court. You're the type of entitled mother who a Judge would literally wipe the floor with. What about the millions of families who split Xmas day on alternate years. What do you think happens? The kids have 2 Xmas days!!! Same for birthdays, Easters, bonfire night etc. You sound so entitled. You do know your ex is the father of your kids and not a second class citizen you can boss around and dictate to? He's 50% responsible and 50% entitled to see his kids on Xmas day. You are creating such a toxic environment for your kids through your entitlement.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 30/01/2022 18:22

@BurntToastAgain

I think you are mistaking what’s best for you to with what’s best for your children.

It’s not the same thing.

100% this!

Fgs OP if he goes to court you are going to have a VERY rude awakening

Wherearemymarbles · 30/01/2022 18:25

So its all basically about revenge.

Cardboardf0x · 30/01/2022 18:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

m1shap3 · 30/01/2022 18:31

So the kids don't get a Christmas with their dad ever because he chose not to be with you? Wow.
Just wait til you decide further down the line you'd like their dad to do more with them/have them more because it suits you. You'll have to remember it was always on your terms previously so he might not be at your beck and call.
If you want him to co-parent when making big decisions like when new partners are introduced, then how about you co-parenting and not refusing to let him have the same 'privileges' with the kids that you have?
Mums don't trump dads

m1shap3 · 30/01/2022 18:38

I'd just like to share this scenario. My DSD's mum called the shots on when my DH left her, in terms of the nights of weeks he had her and she kept had her every Christmas Eve.
Once we had a child together, DSD decided to make her own choice each Christmas as to where she wanted to be, as she also wanted Christmas with her new sibling.
Now shes 16, and over the last few years has been asking why she never spent 50% of her time living with us. One of her questions was "why didn't I just split my time equally and therefore my dad/nobody would have needed to pay maintenance".
Don't get me wrong, everything is amicable, and there's never been any arguing or resentment to this situation that she's witnessed, from either sides. But she has expressed that she wishes it could have all been equal, wonders why her mum thought it was her "right" to have her at Christmas.
So these days DSD chooses to spend all weekend here, and the only actual time her mum gets with her is very limited on a weeknight

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 30/01/2022 18:45

@Mumshine101 you said it was mutual in your first post and now your saying well he left I should get Christmas… I know your hurt but you sound like a control freak desperately trying to
Remain in control.

AliceMcK · 30/01/2022 19:01

Please do go through the courts. Maybe then you will see how selfish and controlling you are being. Everything is about you and your using your DCs as an excuse to get what you want. You can not dictate when your ex introduces his children to his new partner, you would also not get to decide that you get every Christmas just because he choose to leave you. Everything you have said is all about you, not your children. You have been very lucky so far you ex has been so accommodating, be very careful as everything you have done so far is going to go against you if he decides to make the custody arrangements official.

Ginger1982 · 30/01/2022 20:21

Maybe your ex will be ok about never having Christmas Day, but if you do ever end up in court, it'll generally be every other year.

I used to be a family lawyer and the number of hours I wasted in court because parents couldn't agree simple things (Christmas, new partners etc) was ridiculous.

You sound as though you are clearly still hurting. Was it his decision to split? Unfortunately he's moved on and you need to too.

saraclara · 30/01/2022 20:25

but ultimately he left in the end so I shouldn’t have to sacrifice Christmas

You say that your kids adore him, but you won't let them spend Christmas with him, ever.

You say that your concerned about the effect that meeting the new partner will have on your kids. But no-one here is going to believe you, because in they other way your kids seem to be at the bottom of your priorities. You're all about punishing your ex, and you don't seem to care about the damage that you're causing to your children by doing that.

liveforsummer · 30/01/2022 20:52

I think a year is entirely reasonable (I say that as a single parent too). At the end of the day though it's entirely his choice and you don't get a say, just like he doesn't get one in what you do with dc on your time

liveforsummer · 30/01/2022 21:02

Sorry but your views on a lot of this are hugely unrealistic. If he gets sick of the dictating and decides to go to court he will absolutely get his share of Xmas and birthdays. It's hard I know. ExP in my opinion is not even safe to have my dc, or rather they aren't safe with him however family court decided otherwise and refused to even look in to my very proveable claims, but that's another story. Thankfully he's happy to let me have Xmas and he takes them Boxing Day and all the nice chilled days after but I'd not be able to refuse if he did ask for every other Xmas. That's not my choice to make sadly. I also have no control who he introduces them to in his time , a girlfriend of a year would be the least of worries (Tbf thankfully his girlfriend is mostly always there)

liveforsummer · 30/01/2022 21:05

@Mumshine101

We don’t have a contact order in place, we have worked it out ourselves to this point. If he doesn’t respect my wishes, would it go against him if he went for contact order?

No absolutely it would not, more likely it would go against you that you are trying to dictate.

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