Page 12 | Don’t want my kids to meet my ex’s partner

Mumshine101 · 2022-01-29T18:19:21+00:00

My ex and I split 15 months ago, we have 2 young kids together (under 5) the split was mutual, but he moved on pretty quickly after our split. He now wants his new partner to meet our kids (they have been seeing each other for almost a year. I do not want her to meet the kids, I think it’s too soon, he disagrees and says it will be happening regardless of what I say. He says I’m trying to be controlling What can I do here? I don’t want them meeting her. Can I stop it from happening? What can I do if he introduces her without my consent?

Original poster

Mumshine101 · 30/01/2022 16:11

@Kitkat151 it’s not what I want, of course not, but ultimately he left in the end so I shouldn’t have to sacrifice Christmas. He left. While I understand now it was for the best, completely, he still left.

OP posts:

Hdhr8jsj · 30/01/2022 16:16

I know its difficult but you don't get a say in this.

You also need to arrange fair access over Christmas and birthdays.

OnceUponAThread · 30/01/2022 16:17

Honestly, I think you need to prepare yourself for a bumpy road ahead.

You're being completely unreasonable about him making introductions, and even more so about Christmas.

If you don't learn to bend and put your kids' need to have a decent relationship with their father above your own wants - you could end up with a nasty shock.

your ex could and - given what we've seen here - should take you to court. Court will tell you it's none of your business when he introduces them, and more critically will most likely order you to alternate Christmas.
he could (reasonably) claim parental alienation and go to Cafcass. This would reflect badly on you and may lead to more court ordered contact for him.
you might upset and even traumatise your children. Building this up into a massive deal when it's not will make it harder not easier for them.
this could all end up with your kids resenting you when they're older if they think you've blocked that relationship.

FWIW DH's ex blocked me meeting the girls for ages. They have said they found it really stressful and it made them incredibly anxious about it. It turned into a massive Thing when it should have been casual. Both girls have said they wished it had been much earlier and breezier.

Eldest girl started staying here more than 50% as soon as she was old enough to decide. She's started pulling away from mum because of all the toxicity towards her dad and hates being put in the middle.

We have been doing our best to try and protect their relationship and encourage her to spend significant time with mum. We think it's really important that her relationship with mum is strong. But she is so furious about some of the stuff that mum says / does that it's hard.

Youngest girl is moving in the same direction.

SheWolfOFFrancee · 30/01/2022 16:17

OP you can’t do anything to stop him introducing them. My ex introduced his gf after a few months. That was 8 years ago almost and our DS is fine. I didn’t meet anyone until 4 years later and now Ds has a lovely stepmum and 2 older (teen) step siblings) and my plus my now husband and 2 siblings. Kids adjust. I know it hurts because he left you but he didn’t leave his kids he’s still entitled to see them and parent them as he feels fit.

Also just saw you post on Christmas. I understand because it sucks not having Christmas with your kids but you shouldn’t withhold him having them over Xmas that’s not fair on the kids that’s just suiting your own selfishness. We did alternative years until I had my two younger ones and now we have an arrangement that Ds always wakes up here in Xmas day so he can do presents with his siblings but then every other year he goes straight over to his dads for lunch.

If ex takes you to court over your controlling nature over contact you’ll get a shock.

LadyT27 · 30/01/2022 16:18

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dottydodah · 30/01/2022 16:20

I think the fact that he left you is obv still upsetting you. It is very hard to see someone you once were happy with ,moving on with someone else .The facts are you are divorced and hard as it is ,it means you are no longer a part of his life .IF you had a different BF every month he couldnt stop you! As for Christmas Day again he will be able to have them if he wishes EOC, Maybe say to your Son ,Daddy has a new friend he wants you to meet .Then just say we are having Chicken for Supper or whatever

TimBoothseyes · 30/01/2022 16:22

[quote Mumshine101]@Kitkat151 it’s not what I want, of course not, but ultimately he left in the end so I shouldn’t have to sacrifice Christmas. He left. While I understand now it was for the best, completely, he still left.[/quote]
But, according to you, the split was mutual. Why should he miss out when you BOTH agreed that one of you had to go. Putting what you want above what's best for your children is as selfish as any mother could possibly be. Disgraceful behaviour from you OP.

Jesusmaryjosephandtheweedon · 30/01/2022 16:26

Why not right now? What is happening that makes this a bad time?

It seems to me that he has been very considerate not introducing them before now. They are together a year, that is a committed relationship and if they move in together then she will be there every time he has them. Its not easy OP. Sorry

janicewheeler · 30/01/2022 16:27

Sorry to say it but you do realise if he takes you to court you're Gona get your arse handed to you if that's your attitude. He will get alternate Christmas' as that is standard.
My partners ex got a right telling off as she was being the way you are now.
Why do you think Xmas days are all yours ? Their dad has just as much right to wake up with them Xmas day as you do

saraclara · 30/01/2022 16:28

@OnceUponAThread

Honestly, I think you need to prepare yourself for a bumpy road ahead.

You're being completely unreasonable about him making introductions, and even more so about Christmas.

If you don't learn to bend and put your kids' need to have a decent relationship with their father above your own wants - you could end up with a nasty shock.

your ex could and - given what we've seen here - should take you to court. Court will tell you it's none of your business when he introduces them, and more critically will most likely order you to alternate Christmas.
he could (reasonably) claim parental alienation and go to Cafcass. This would reflect badly on you and may lead to more court ordered contact for him.
you might upset and even traumatise your children. Building this up into a massive deal when it's not will make it harder not easier for them.
this could all end up with your kids resenting you when they're older if they think you've blocked that relationship.

FWIW DH's ex blocked me meeting the girls for ages. They have said they found it really stressful and it made them incredibly anxious about it. It turned into a massive Thing when it should have been casual. Both girls have said they wished it had been much earlier and breezier.

Eldest girl started staying here more than 50% as soon as she was old enough to decide. She's started pulling away from mum because of all the toxicity towards her dad and hates being put in the middle.

We have been doing our best to try and protect their relationship and encourage her to spend significant time with mum. We think it's really important that her relationship with mum is strong. But she is so furious about some of the stuff that mum says / does that it's hard.

Youngest girl is moving in the same direction.

OP, you need to read, read and re-read this post.

You are after revenge, and it's going to damage your kids. You should be putting them first.
And yes, this will come back to bite you very hard. If he takes this to court you will will be the loser. And I wouldn't blame him if he did.

I'm sorry that he left you, but you cannot let your bitterness ruin your children's lives, and ultimately your own relationship with them.

dottydodah · 30/01/2022 16:29

LadyT27 I do not think OP is either horrible or selfish. Im guessing that you are a bloke? Emotions run high, and OP may not feel ready to face another female in her families life .Whatever the law states .Try a little compassion yourself maybe!

MoodyMooToo · 30/01/2022 16:29

You’re controlling. This is not about how your kids feel because you haven’t even asked them. You want to see a solicitor and get a contact order? Yeah you do that and watch what happens..you’ll be sharing Xmas day and you will have to compromise.
Just admit you’re as jealous as hell

moomee12 · 30/01/2022 16:29

You said the split was mutual?

I think you need to consider the fact that if you try and hold back contact he may take you to court. And if he takes you to court he's likely to get alternate Christmases.

IncompleteSenten · 30/01/2022 16:35

If he decides to go to court you will end up with an order that Christmas must be alternated.

KurtWilde · 30/01/2022 16:38

Some really nasty posts on this thread. Wtf is wrong with people? You literally have no idea if you're talking to someone who's struggling or vulnerable, many of you are just here to give her a kicking.

She understands she can't stop him introducing the kids. The rest of it is their business.

He might be perfectly happy having his kids on Boxing Day and seeing them at home on Christmas Day and Boxing Day.

Some men really aren't interested in doing the leg work of a decent Christmas, I know my exh isn't and I know he's not the only one.

If OPs ex sets up home with the new partner, then maybe Christmases will change down the line, and OP will have to deal with that.

But when you don't have a clue what the agreements they've made wrt co-parenting actually is or the things he may have been happy to agree with, you're just being shitty for the sake of it.

LadyT27 · 30/01/2022 16:40

@dottydodah

Female actually. How about compassion for the children's dad. Of course when a family split and when ones moved on, regardless of which one, it is upsetting and difficult for all. Difficult having to split time, Christmas, holidays etc. I would be gutted not to see my children all the time and especially not having them at Xmas.
OP doesn’t seem to think about anyones feeling in the situation but their own and horrible behaviour to punish ex for ending the relationship.

MooSakah · 30/01/2022 16:40

the split was mutual or was he the one that left you? You changed your tune and it is making it sound like you're jealous tbh.

You're acting as if your kids are solely your kids. They aren't. You chose him as a suitable person to have kids with so you need to trust that now.

pastypirate · 30/01/2022 16:44

He had them Boxing Day. There’s no way I’m giving up Christmas Day with our kids. It’s not a compromise I’m willing to make. That’s why I let him come over for Xmas eve and Christmas morning, but I’m sorry I just won’t give that up.

If he takes you to court you're stuffed. The only way I avoided alternate Xmas with exh is I suggested a 2pm handover Xmas day. So neither parent is childless on Xmas day. So one year kids are with me Xmas eve and leave at 2 Xmas day and the alternate they return to me Xmas day and stay Boxing Day. My kids think this is a totally fair arrangement btw though obviously their parents have bigged it up.

Op contact with both parents is legally the right of the child. Not the adult.

BurntToastAgain · 30/01/2022 16:50

I think you are mistaking what’s best for you to with what’s best for your children.

It’s not the same thing.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 30/01/2022 16:54

[quote Mumshine101]@Kitkat151 it’s not what I want, of course not, but ultimately he left in the end so I shouldn’t have to sacrifice Christmas. He left. While I understand now it was for the best, completely, he still left.[/quote]
It's a real shame you're putting yourself first and not your children.

dottydodah · 30/01/2022 16:55

LadyT27 Well of course ,I was somewhat taken aback at the tone of your comment was all .I too would hate not to see my DC every year at Christmas .Thankfully like you am lucky I am are able to.Of course men should be able to see their children as well .Emotions run high though and OP was just saying how difficult she found it to let go .Perhaps in time she will find it easier ,but right now a little bit of help and support was what she came here for!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/01/2022 16:58

there’s no way I’m giving up Christmas Day with our kids. It’s not a compromise I’m willing to make.

This is cruel to your children.

The split was mutual and your attitude and actions are punishing your children, not just their dad.

jfhguseorjgijaerigjarfgj · 30/01/2022 17:17

I think you would feel completely differently if you had a partner OP. Over a year is more than fair.

My personal opinion is that it gets harder as the kids get older and used to their parents being single as the status quo.

Many people seem to find it hard to accept the consequences of a relationship ending. New partners in the children's lives is one of them. But this can often be a positive - my DSC have two more loving adults in their lives and seem happy with it.

Some here might advise against it, but I would recommend asking to meet her. Seeing her as a real life flesh and blood person rather than an imaginary figure you are likely projecting all kinds of things onto might help coming to terms with everything.

crosbystillsandmash · 30/01/2022 17:26

@MooSakah

My eldest is a sensitive boy and deep thinker, they adore their dad and I think introducing a friend now will set them spinning. on the other hand he might be really pleased to see his dad happy and excited for the future .

Totally agree! Your ex's new partner might be a breath of fresh air for your dc. Your dc will probably really enjoy being around them both, I was blissfully happy when I found someone new and the first few years with dp when my dc were young and getting to know him were such happy times.

You're being very selfish and painting yourself in a very poor light op.

melj1213 · 30/01/2022 17:28

There’s no way I’m giving up Christmas Day with our kids. It’s not a compromise I’m willing to make. That’s why I let him come over for Xmas eve and Christmas morning, but I’m sorry I just won’t give that up

It's not about you, it's about your kids and if you start being obstructive this early then you're going to end up in court where you will have to share Christmas/Birthdays/Easter/holidays and will lose any kind of flexibility and choice that you have to co-parent amicably.

And what if your kids say "Mum, I want to spend Christmas at dad's this year"?