Page 14 | Don’t want my kids to meet my ex’s partner

Mumshine101 · 2022-01-29T18:19:21+00:00

My ex and I split 15 months ago, we have 2 young kids together (under 5) the split was mutual, but he moved on pretty quickly after our split. He now wants his new partner to meet our kids (they have been seeing each other for almost a year. I do not want her to meet the kids, I think it’s too soon, he disagrees and says it will be happening regardless of what I say. He says I’m trying to be controlling What can I do here? I don’t want them meeting her. Can I stop it from happening? What can I do if he introduces her without my consent?

MrsKeats · 30/01/2022 21:25

Stop harming your kids by trying to get back at your ex.
Grow up.

Namast3 · 30/01/2022 21:27

The best thing you can do is just accept she will be introduced to the children and not make a huge deal out of it. There's no harm in setting boundaries and reiterating that you are their mother in the event she oversteps.. I think they've been pretty respectful waiting a year.

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 30/01/2022 21:27

OP, I feel for you but at the same time you do seem to have a somewhat overinflated sense of (nonexistent) "priority parent" status here.

he left in the end so I shouldn’t have to sacrifice Christmas. He left. While I understand now it was for the best, completely, he still left.

The fact he ended your relationship means nothing when it comes to who spends Christmas with the children. Absolutely nothing. At all. He is as much their parent as you are.

Why would he go for a contact order? Why would you think him not "respecting your wishes" would go against him - and you not respecting his wishes (to introduce his new partner) not go against you?

I don't mean to sound harsh but my concern is you're going to be in for quite a few shocks if this is how you expect things will go. I'm betting he won't be happy not to have Christmas with his children forever. How sad for them to lose out on Christmas with their father for their whole childhood (I don't believe this is what will actually happen, though - he's already putting his foot down with regard to introducing his not-new partner and no, no judge in the land will support children spending every single Christmas with one parent).

ArtemisFlop · 30/01/2022 21:30

I think some of the PPs have been really harsh on you OP by calling you vengeful and controlling and saying you're not putting your DCs first. You haven't suggested anywhere that you want to stop the DCs from seeing their dad, just that you're not sure they're ready to meet new gf. New relationships can be really confusing for kids and if you feel uncomfortable about it that could impact on them and your ex would be better to give you more time to get used to the idea. Your children are really young and you don't know the person. It's right that you will have to accept they'll meet her eventually if it's serious but there's no need to rush. I agree with posters there's probably no point spending money letting a family court judge decide but it's worth chatting to your ex about your concerns and reservations. If he genuinely wants to co-parent with you, he'll listen and try to respect your wishes. Maybe you can agree some boundaries e.g. he doesn't leave them alone with her until you're ready. The previous suggestion that you meet her and get to know her is a good one. You may have to commit to it happening not too much further in the future though as you can't put it off forever. Good luck with the discussion.

Honeyroar · 30/01/2022 21:32

He’s waited a year! He’s hardly rushing the meeting. He sounds like a really sensible parent.

Starlightstarbright1 · 30/01/2022 21:33

I say this in the kindest way he split up with you , not your children.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/01/2022 21:38

@ArtemisFlop

I think some of the PPs have been really harsh on you OP by calling you vengeful and controlling and saying you're not putting your DCs first. You haven't suggested anywhere that you want to stop the DCs from seeing their dad, just that you're not sure they're ready to meet new gf. New relationships can be really confusing for kids and if you feel uncomfortable about it that could impact on them and your ex would be better to give you more time to get used to the idea. Your children are really young and you don't know the person. It's right that you will have to accept they'll meet her eventually if it's serious but there's no need to rush. I agree with posters there's probably no point spending money letting a family court judge decide but it's worth chatting to your ex about your concerns and reservations. If he genuinely wants to co-parent with you, he'll listen and try to respect your wishes. Maybe you can agree some boundaries e.g. he doesn't leave them alone with her until you're ready. The previous suggestion that you meet her and get to know her is a good one. You may have to commit to it happening not too much further in the future though as you can't put it off forever. Good luck with the discussion.

You haven't suggested anywhere that you want to stop the DCs from seeing their dad, just that you're not sure they're ready to meet new gf

She's said she won't let him spend Christmas with them.

AlDanvers · 30/01/2022 21:42

@ArtemisFlop

I think some of the PPs have been really harsh on you OP by calling you vengeful and controlling and saying you're not putting your DCs first. You haven't suggested anywhere that you want to stop the DCs from seeing their dad, just that you're not sure they're ready to meet new gf. New relationships can be really confusing for kids and if you feel uncomfortable about it that could impact on them and your ex would be better to give you more time to get used to the idea. Your children are really young and you don't know the person. It's right that you will have to accept they'll meet her eventually if it's serious but there's no need to rush. I agree with posters there's probably no point spending money letting a family court judge decide but it's worth chatting to your ex about your concerns and reservations. If he genuinely wants to co-parent with you, he'll listen and try to respect your wishes. Maybe you can agree some boundaries e.g. he doesn't leave them alone with her until you're ready. The previous suggestion that you meet her and get to know her is a good one. You may have to commit to it happening not too much further in the future though as you can't put it off forever. Good luck with the discussion.

She wanted to take him to court and hoped this would go against him.

How on earth would that be putting the kids first?

Deciding he can't have a Christmas with them, because he left her? Is that putting the kids first?

Jk24 · 30/01/2022 21:42

Op youre clearly not over your ex. Its as clear as day. Your hearts breaking and I'm sorry youre going through that. BUT keep your dignity and get over this. Also let dad have them at Xmas too. Its going to be hard of course but you need to be fair

KurtWilde · 30/01/2022 21:45

@MrsKeats

Stop harming your kids by trying to get back at your ex. Grow up.

Have some bloody compassion.

What the hell is wrong with some of the responses on this thread??

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 30/01/2022 21:50

Op you're lucky your ex hasn't taken you to court.

Nomoreusernames1244 · 30/01/2022 21:51

You haven't suggested anywhere that you want to stop the DCs from seeing their dad, just that you're not sure they're ready to meet new gf

She asked if him “not respecting” her wishes would go against him in court.

It sounds like she is expecting to make all the rules and decisions, and if he doesn’t toe the line to drag him into court for going against what she wants.

She expects to dictate when he sees them and who they spend time with when they’re with him.

That is not co-parenting. It is controlling and bordering abusive. If she’s willing to threaten court, what next? If he doesn’t do what she says, she stops access?

thenewduchessoflapland · 30/01/2022 21:53

It's not your choice just like it wouldn't be his if the tables were turned.

It is what it is.They've been together nearly an year not a few months and he's spoken to you first instead of just doing it.

I understand it was crappy he moved on quickly;you probably wasn't expecting it and can understand your feelings about your children meeting his new partner;it's probably really weird with the thought of a potential future step mother in their lives.

The only thing you can do is be there to give reassurance to your children should they need it.

Good luck.

MrsKeats · 30/01/2022 21:53

I have compassion for the kids.
This is harmful to them. Parental alienation is actually a crime these days. You can't just randomly decide that the father of your children doesn't get them on Christmas Day. Or dictate who the ex gets to introduce the children to.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 30/01/2022 21:54

@KurtWilde it's hard to be compassionate when someone is happily dismissing their children's wellbeing in favour of their own bitterness.

KurtWilde · 30/01/2022 21:56

@MrsKeats

I have compassion for the kids. This is harmful to them. Parental alienation is actually a crime these days. You can't just randomly decide that the father of your children doesn't get them on Christmas Day. Or dictate who the ex gets to introduce the children to.

How do you know he's not perfectly fine with not having them Christmas Day? Have you spoken to him personally? My exh doesn't want our DC on Christmas Day and hasn't in the 7 years we've been separated. Unless you know the ins and outs of what they've agreed between themselves stop picking up on snapshots of OPs life.

MrsKeats · 30/01/2022 22:00

You know the op @KurtWilde?
Stop projecting your own issues onto the thread.
The vast majority of posters agree what the op is doing is not ok.
It might feel horrible that the ex has moved on but acting like this will ultimately be detrimental to the kids and there will not be successful co-parenting.
Every single thread on this forum is a snapshot of someone's life.
The op asked what people think and they are answering; many of us having gone through divorce/remarriage etc.

Kittykat93 · 30/01/2022 22:02

Jeez a year? My ex introduced his girlfriend after about 3 weeks, think yourself lucky. You may not like it but you have absolutely no control over this, best to let it go.

AlDanvers · 30/01/2022 22:02

@KurtWilde so your ex doesn't....so he must not either?

How would yiu know he doesn't? Have you had a chat with him? Op says it's absolutely not up for discussion. So unlikey he has been allowed to express anything either way.

toobusytothink · 30/01/2022 22:08

Wow just wow! It sounds as though he has been fairly sensible and not introduced them before knowing it was serious. And please do not use the children and reduce his access to them. Primary carer gives you no extra rights. You sound bitter. The current arrangement has been working so just leave it. Please for the sake of your children!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/01/2022 22:09

How do you know he's not perfectly fine with not having them Christmas Day

OP specifically said that she wouldn't let him have Christmas with his kids because 'he was the one who left'. Him wanting to or not in future isn't relevant. Her reason wasn't that he wouldn't want to. It had nothing to do with his wishes or those of the kids.

Her reason was specifically stated - that she wouldn't allow it (she doesn't have that choice though, she isn't default lead parent with any more decision making rights than their dad) because he left and because she doesn't want to spend a Christmas Day not seeing them.

KurtWilde · 30/01/2022 22:16

@MrsKeats I don't have any issues. That's the whole point. NONE of us know exactly what the OP and her exh have agreed upon between them. And yet half of you here have decided she doesn't care about her children's happiness!

OnceUponAThread · 30/01/2022 22:24

[quote KurtWilde]@MrsKeats I don't have any issues. That's the whole point. NONE of us know exactly what the OP and her exh have agreed upon between them. And yet half of you here have decided she doesn't care about her children's happiness! [/quote]
Did you fail to read this post from OP:

"He had them Boxing Day. There’s no way I’m giving up Christmas Day with our kids. It’s not a compromise I’m willing to make. That’s why I let him come over for Xmas eve and Christmas morning, but I’m sorry I just won’t give that up."

She has made it abundantly clear that she will never, ever, under any circumstances let them go to their father's for Christmas.

She then went on and doubled down saying that because he left she shouldn't have to.

She also asked if she could go to court because he wasn't respecting her wishes about introducing the kids to a partner of a year.

if it went to court - no judge would agree to that.
it is parental alienation.
it is all about what what she wants and needs, with no consideration for the children.
her ex left HER not her children
she cannot control who introduces the children to
nor should she be allowed to.

None of this is in the best interests of the child. Whatsoever.

I presume you are either projecting massively or failing to read the thread properly.

Babyghirl · 30/01/2022 22:26

@Mumshine101
Dont try to stop this, my partner of 6 years engaged to be married has 2 kids to an ex like you, I was not allowed to meet them for 4 and a half years well when I was allowed to finally meet them guess what she had met someone, so yes it took her meeting someone for it to happen, cause she knew she then could not stop my dp doing what she was doing. And guess what a year later she and him have broke up and bes raging she allowed me to meet them now.

And as for Christmas if he takes you to court your screwed my bros ex tryed this and he took her to court has her 3 nights a weeks every other Christmas everyother new years eve and if her birthday falls on his day he has her.

Wherearemymarbles · 30/01/2022 22:57

Kurt, clearly a case of reading what you want to read and ignoring the rest.

So if you want to avoid looking like a complete idiot i suggest you go back and carefully read the ops posts.