Recovering from husband’s affair and the breakdown of our family

AB10 · 2022-01-29T11:42:00+00:00

Hi everyone. I apologise for the absence. The previous thread maxed out and I debated whether to start another but I feel like not only to miss your strength but it’s only right I update you all. Well life is continuing. It is now been over 6 weeks since my husband ripped our family apart just before Christmas. I am still standing. My DS is still happy and life is continuing. But inside I am broken. I still just cannot believe he treated us so cruelly and thought so little of our family. The OW is out of the picture but he is still working in the same environment which of course is very difficult. Not really any kind of resolution but how can there be? I am just left with so many whys and doubts and hurt. I have mentioned divorce and he doesn’t want a divorce… 😢

HazelBite · 29/01/2022 12:02

He doesn't want a divorce?
Why? Has he given any reason, or is he hoping he can keep his options open?

Fuuuuuckit · 29/01/2022 12:07

What do YOU want op?

Thewookiemustgo · 29/01/2022 12:08

Hi OP.
Don’t be hard on yourself for feeling ‘broken’. Your feelings are natural and valid. It’s hard to pretend to kids you are ok when inside you are dying. I know that what the feels like. You’re doing well and your strength will help you along the way. Even when you don’t feel like being strong. What he did is a deal-breaker for you, so you need to try to make a plan of what you want. Not him or what he wants, what you want. He lost the right to make choices with you when he broke your marriage. It’s about you and your DS now.
Think carefully about what you want your life to look like and make a plan for sorting it out. See a solicitor to find out what you need to do next and do it. If you don’t want to reconcile and can’t get past it, (not at all implying you should, he’s broken your marriage, but if you decided to try no judgement here, he doesn’t sound like a great bet but it’s your relationship in the end) then although it’s hard, you need time to accept that the marriage is over and plan and take those steps to make it happen so that you can move forward now. Once you’ve truly accepted (really hard, OP, none of this is easy and I’m so sorry) that the marriage is over, leave him and his behaviour in the past and work on you and your life. Grieving the relationship and the man, despite what he did, is natural and will take time. When they are shitty to you loving them doesn’t stop overnight, so don’t feel weak or stupid when your normal feelings for him show up, it just shows you loved him and were the one who cared. Time will heal that.
Take care OP, none of this is your fault and if he doesn’t like the consequences he should have turned to you before he chose to go elsewhere for validation. X

Original poster

AB10 · 29/01/2022 12:12

He doesn’t want a divorce as he has made a mistake, now wants us to be a happy family again. Has fallen back in love with me…
Essentially he is backtracking 😢

OP posts:

Original poster

AB10 · 29/01/2022 12:15

Thanks everyone. I know time will heal, well I hope it will. It’s just so very hard when the things you held dear in a relationship; growing up together; getting our first home; travelling; having our baby; going through life’s up and downs are the things he choose to throw away.

OP posts:

snowstorm2012 · 29/01/2022 12:15

What he wants doesn't count. You need to take time and think about what you want out of life. Don't let him call the shots, be kind to yourself, take time and evaluate what you want.

Take care of yourself x

jeaux90 · 29/01/2022 12:17

I couldn't move in from this. I'd want a divorce.

If you want to divorce you don't need his permission

Allthecheeseplease · 29/01/2022 13:06

@AB10

Thanks everyone. I know time will heal, well I hope it will. It’s just so very hard when the things you held dear in a relationship; growing up together; getting our first home; travelling; having our baby; going through life’s up and downs are the things he choose to throw away.

I won't lie, I haven't read the other thread, but what do you want? Do you want to get back together? People do & people get through it sometimes but it requires both people to be 100% commited.

crlautum · 29/01/2022 15:03

He doesn't want divorce? It's not about what he wants anymore. It's about what you want.

Have you asked him what on earth he was thinking when he decided to start having an affair? Did he weigh up the risk at the time? Because, presumably, he would have known that he was risking: his entire relationship with you, your past together, your memories, your mental health, his relationship with your DS, his relationships with extended family members, your financial stability, etc.?

Buildingthefuture · 29/01/2022 15:52

Well, he made his choices. And they were shit ones. Based solely on what he wanted and his utterly selfish needs. Unfortunately for him, his choices didn’t turn out how he thought.,..he’s isn’t cantering off into the sunset with a shiny new plaything on his arm. And now, somehow, he thinks he can just slot back into YOUR life, into family life, as if none of that has happened???? Ummmmm, no, that is NOT how this works!! I do think relationships can recover from an affair, but not like this! Not whilst he has the equivalent of his fingers in his ears, going la la la la la it never happened? Kick him out. Now. Show him the bloody door and mean it. Then, take some time for YOU. Time for you to decide what you want, away from the pressure of seeing him everyday. You might decide to give him another chance, but unless he shows an enormous amount of true remorse (and that is very different from being sorry he got caught!) and a full acknowledgment of the utter shitness of his behaviour, I honestly think you are wasting your time. If you let him rug sweep this, he will absolutely see that as permission to do it again…..

JGK0 · 29/01/2022 16:51

@AB10

He doesn’t want a divorce as he has made a mistake, now wants us to be a happy family again. Has fallen back in love with me… Essentially he is backtracking 😢

And what happens if he makes another "mistake". will he expect you to just take that one on board as well and carry on as if nothing has happened?

Sounds like he's treating you as a doormat who'll always be there to "wipe his feet on". If he had any love/respect for you, the affair would never have happened.

UmbrellasAndToadstools01 · 29/01/2022 16:59

Trying to bully you into staying together (so he can blame you for the family breakup; ''when it came down to it she just wouldn't put in the effort to make it work'') is yet another example of him putting himself first, treating you badly and taking you for a fool.

If you don't want to stay married to him, that plenty enough reason to get divorced. His having an affair is more than plenty enough reason to get divorced. He doesn't get to call the shots on whether or not you get divorced, if you want to divorce him you can.

It sounds very much like you don't respect him or like him (and who could ever blame you) so it's hard to imagine there's any coming back from that.

drybird · 29/01/2022 17:31

I'm sorry you have been treated so badly. Speaking from experience I remember those early days after I found out - my head was all over the place, no doubt you feel the same. In early Jan this year I'm 4 years on since that day .. I have recently been diagnosed with PTSD and I'm really not surprised. I decided to stay and try and work it out, self medicated with wine (which eventually got more and more stupidly) but blocking out what had happened has never worked. Please don't be me, I have realised that actually if someone you love and trust can do that to you they should not be allowed to be part of your life. Don't torment yourself, it never goes away. So many told me this on this very board.. I was numb and frightened. Find some good friends, get that strength and tell him to get the f'k out of your life. Sending hugs your way x x

curledupinaball · 30/01/2022 10:39

Read your previous threaad as I'm currently going through similar. Why are men such twats?

TheWhistler2 · 30/01/2022 10:53

@AB10

I came across your thread when I was googling after my husband did pretty much the same to me a few weeks ago. If my children had been your son's age I'd have kicked him out on the day I found out about the OW. He's slept at his parents a few times but our children haven't realised so we're kind of pretending everything's ok for now.

I get how you feel, I've also discussed divorce with him and all I get from him is that he doesn't know what to do. He doesn't think I can get passed what he's done (2 month affair and he said a lot of very hurtful things) and so thinks if he stays we'll be miserable. I think he's probably right. But then I do love him, our children adore him, he was a good dad and husband (I thought) until this. I don't know what to do.

Have you decided you will definitely divorce him? x

curledupinaball · 30/01/2022 11:09

[quote TheWhistler2]@AB10

I came across your thread when I was googling after my husband did pretty much the same to me a few weeks ago. If my children had been your son's age I'd have kicked him out on the day I found out about the OW. He's slept at his parents a few times but our children haven't realised so we're kind of pretending everything's ok for now.

I get how you feel, I've also discussed divorce with him and all I get from him is that he doesn't know what to do. He doesn't think I can get passed what he's done (2 month affair and he said a lot of very hurtful things) and so thinks if he stays we'll be miserable. I think he's probably right. But then I do love him, our children adore him, he was a good dad and husband (I thought) until this. I don't know what to do.

Have you decided you will definitely divorce him? x[/quote]
It's the shitty thingsthey say to try and justify their behaviour. Mine still won't admit to the affair, is making out its all in my head.

drybird · 30/01/2022 11:27

Good bit of advice I was given on here that still resonates.. you don't have to decide right away, sit with your feelings and see how you feel in 3/69 months from now. My children are older now since finding out and I'm far stronger than I was back then. I almost wished he'd cheat again so I can crucify the dam git. It's easy for others to say LTB but in reality it's far more complicated. What I will say I've learnt is none of this was my fault, I didn't do this to our family - you need to tell yourself that often. I compared myself, blamed myself and then stupidly fell for hysterical bonding.. don't do that. Take a step back and sit with your feelings, think about what is best for you and your children. Doesn't have to happen right away, but when you made your decision give it your all. Most importantly be happy x

TheWhistler2 · 30/01/2022 11:37

@curledupinaball

Yeah, I think the thing's he's said are harder to forgive than the affair itself. It's made a lie of our life together. He only admitted about the OW as his plan was to leave to be with her, he'd decided this with no thought to how our children (junior and senior school age) would handle it, where he'd live or anything.

curledupinaball · 30/01/2022 12:28

[quote TheWhistler2]@curledupinaball

Yeah, I think the thing's he's said are harder to forgive than the affair itself. It's made a lie of our life together. He only admitted about the OW as his plan was to leave to be with her, he'd decided this with no thought to how our children (junior and senior school age) would handle it, where he'd live or anything.

[/quote]
The hardest part is the cruel words. The sudden change in behaviour hurts. Mine hasn't confessed to the affair yet although he's permanently on whatsapp.

TheWhistler2 · 30/01/2022 12:51

@curledupinaball

I suppose I'm thankful mine admitted to it fairly quickly, thinking/knowing he was and him not admitting would have made me go mad.

Although I was completely blindsided by my husband telling me all that on the same day. I was literally in shock for a few days, couldn't eat or sleep but had to carry on with day to day life as much as possible.

The more I read on here the more I wonder just how many seemingly "happily" married men are having affairs? I know women also have affairs but it would seem far more men do, or at least more husbands are willing to ditch their families than wives/mothers are.

curledupinaball · 30/01/2022 12:55

[quote TheWhistler2]@curledupinaball

I suppose I'm thankful mine admitted to it fairly quickly, thinking/knowing he was and him not admitting would have made me go mad.

Although I was completely blindsided by my husband telling me all that on the same day. I was literally in shock for a few days, couldn't eat or sleep but had to carry on with day to day life as much as possible.

The more I read on here the more I wonder just how many seemingly "happily" married men are having affairs? I know women also have affairs but it would seem far more men do, or at least more husbands are willing to ditch their families than wives/mothers are. [/quote]
It is playing with my head. Part of me thinks he's afraid to admit it asI'm quite high up in HR and he thinks I will contact their employer.

TheBoreOfHabilon · 30/01/2022 14:41

@curledupinaball

Read your previous threaad as I'm currently going through similar. Why are men such twats?

Raised with a sense of entitlement?

Original poster

AB10 · 30/01/2022 15:03

Regarding the things said, the lies, the selfishness, the disregard for our families. You’re right - those things are so much harder to comprehend than the act of an affair.
I just cannot conceive that he was willing to throw away the security our son had in our family, our marriage, our history. Everything - simply for his own selfish needs.
I will eventually stop trying to make sense of the senseless but at present it’s suffocating.
My husband’s OW was also married with young children and I hate that he also was so low in morals in that regard too. 💔
I hope you are both okay although that is not overly simple at present!

OP posts:

Changechangychange · 30/01/2022 15:09

@AB10

He doesn’t want a divorce as he has made a mistake, now wants us to be a happy family again. Has fallen back in love with me… Essentially he is backtracking 😢

So basically, “shut up and stop whinging, it doesn’t matter to me at all that you’re upset, I’m bored of you making my life hard and want you to go back to being a supportive little wifey again. I’ll probably shag somebody else when I feel like it in a year of two”.

Look at Boris Johnson’s marriage to Marina Wheeler (and his marriage to Carrie Johnson, allegedly). Is that what you want your marriage to look like in ten years’ time? That’s what he’s aiming for. He can do what he wants, you shut your mouth and put up with it.

MrsTrumpton · 30/01/2022 15:21

@AB10

He doesn’t want a divorce as he has made a mistake, now wants us to be a happy family again. Has fallen back in love with me… Essentially he is backtracking 😢

Hey OP, I've been wondering how you've been getting on. Hopefully you'll be able to draw strength from this new thread as much as the last one.

As for this update... Well, of course he doesn't want a divorce now he's realised what he's set to lose! Lots of cheaters do see the light and that's not necessarily something to condemn him for. BUT saying he's fallen back in love with you is him being unspeakably cruel AGAIN. Six weeks ago he told you he despised you and now he loves you again? Aren't you the lucky one! You must be feeling SO grateful he's decided you're worth of love again! Honestly, what a twat. If I eye-roll any harder I'll end up looking a fruit machine mid-spin.

He said he despised you. He made you feel worthless. He was having sex with another woman. Don't forget any of that and focus on what you want, not him. Oh, and be prepared that if you do try to save the marriage, he may very well do this again.