Recovering from husband’s affair and the breakdown of our family

[AB10]

Hi everyone.
I apologise for the absence. The previous thread maxed out and I debated whether to start another but I feel like not only to miss your strength but it’s only right I update you all.
Well life is continuing. It is now been over 6 weeks since my husband ripped our family apart just before Christmas. I am still standing. My DS is still happy and life is continuing. But inside I am broken.
I still just cannot believe he treated us so cruelly and thought so little of our family.
The OW is out of the picture but he is still working in the same environment which of course is very difficult.
Not really any kind of resolution but how can there be? I am just left with so many whys and doubts and hurt.
I have mentioned divorce and he doesn’t want a divorce… 😢

@billy1966 has nailed it.

It's so very dificult to stand firmly and resolutely when emotions are so raw.

To even believe this complete turn around of someone loving and caring could switch so callously takes time to absorb.

That is why so many women give second chances and fight to make a decision to finally pull the plug and end the marriage.

Scary stuff especially when your defenses have been weakenened and you are knackered from the pain, the financial uncertainty and fear of the unknown.

We all crave safety and normality to exist, the temptation to think we will never recover is very real and very scary but....

We do repair, time, regardless of the decisions we make, makes things clearer and that cutting pain can change into a dull ache that is bearable.
To be hurt is devastating but whether you stay or go the pain will still be there.
It's just if you stay you have the added pain of never trusting the person you are with.

Very hard choices for women who have husbands that expect to be forgiven.

Decide in your own time, at your own pace and gain strength in the meantime.

@Threecrookedhearts

for you

I was in your situation 18 years ago. We had been married 20 years and still had a good sex life but he cheated on me and I found out and asked him to leave. After about 7 weeks he got fed up with OW and begged to come home. I thought about it but told him no, because I knew I could not sleep with him again. We shared a home, a business and our 3 child together but he ripped us apart. I did not take him back. I thought I deserved better after trying to be a perfect wife to him for 20 years. I don't think he ever went a day without a cooked meal unless I was in hospital after child birth. He lost out as judge made him sell business to buy me out and I got larger share of house than him and we pension shared which also went in my favour. In time I met someone else and remarried. Exh has been in several relationships but now in 60's and alone. I can't feel sorry for him even though he spent last Xmas alone. Your h made his choice and did not think of your feelings when he ripped you apart. Now put yourself first. What do you be want for yourself? Don't let him use emotional blackmail to let him back unless you want him back. If he has done it once he will do it again. Sort out solicitor and you will find their are advantages to living without a man. You get all the wardrobes to yourself, you can get into shower without having to wait for h to finish first, you don't have to cook his favourite meals anymore, you are in charge of remote control for TV. You get to choose where you go on holiday.

Threecrookedhearts You poor thing. So sorry he's done this to you.

Thanks everyone and I’m so sorry to hear that this behaviour and treatment is so very common.
To some extent, I still blame myself for my husbands unhappiness. If only I hadn’t had PND, if only I had been more fun, more affectionate. I suppose like how it was in the early part of our relationship. But that isn’t real life all of the time?
His treatment of me has just caused me to so unsure of everything.

@AB10

Thanks everyone and I’m so sorry to hear that this behaviour and treatment is so very common. To some extent, I still blame myself for my husbands unhappiness. If only I hadn’t had PND, if only I had been more fun, more affectionate. I suppose like how it was in the early part of our relationship. But that isn’t real life all of the time? His treatment of me has just caused me to so unsure of everything.

It's the hardest part and absolutely not your fault. My OH snapped at me last night when i said I was applying for a job role that i'm more than qualified for. It's twatish behaviour which hurts so very much.

Those of you who said he would turn nasty when he wasn’t getting his way we’re so very true.
Tonight, he said that I shouldn’t still be talking about the affair and that I should be deleting email evidence etc as it isn’t good for me.
He really does not see himself!

OP with the greatest respect, you need to put your strongest head on this and leave him.

He’s clearly backtracking as he realised the OW wasn’t going to leave and the whole fantasy blew up in his face.

You need to realise that the way he treated you before was who he is and he’s clearly shown you what he is capable of. You will never I see that and the relationship will never be the same again.

He can’t even manage to pretend to care - look at his behaviour this evening ffs. He has contempt for your hurt and sadness.

Just no! Stop listening to his bullshit and look at his actions - they tell you all you need to know!

you will never un-see* that.

Is he still coming in to see your dc? If so it is time to start a doorstep policy so he isn’t invading your space. Start establishing boundaries

Don't you dare blame yourself for any of it. An affair is always a choice. If he was struggling due to PND, you talk, you get counselling and if it can't be fixed, you leave. And the wanting you to stop going on about it and deleting the evidence would be funny if it wasn't so tragic, self serving and enraging. You are completely allowed to do what you like with it. Only if you make a conscious choice to stay, and you both agree to confront want happened and he fully acknowledges the wrong he's done and the hurt he's caused, then, at some point you have to move on. But not now. Right now, you can do what you like. Twat.

@AB10

Those of you who said he would turn nasty when he wasn’t getting his way we’re so very true. Tonight, he said that I shouldn’t still be talking about the affair and that I should be deleting email evidence etc as it isn’t good for me. He really does not see himself!

Sounds familiar 😠 I'm so sorry x

@AB10

Those of you who said he would turn nasty when he wasn’t getting his way we’re so very true. Tonight, he said that I shouldn’t still be talking about the affair and that I should be deleting email evidence etc as it isn’t good for me. He really does not see himself!

Whatever you do, do not do this.

I remember your thread so well because I was gobsmacked that he said he despised you.

Some things cannot be unsaid.

Some things are not fixable.

That's the case here and you must hold firm on that.

That nasty side is the real him. You would never say that to someone who you loved and cared for, who had done nothing to hurt you, would you? Normal decent people don't say that kind of shit to anyone let alone their partner and mother of their child.

He fucked it. He may regret it, I'm sure he does as clearly she didn't want him either. But he fucked it and now he's lost you both.

The trash took itself out. Don't let it back in

Because its “not good for you”? Aye, right, he’s so worried about you, he’s always had your best interests at heart
Please don’t blame yourself here op. Whatever issues you may have had between you, he had a lot of options to resolve them which did not involve him shagging some bint. He could have suggested counselling, discussed with you how he was feeling, picked up some of the mental/physical load to take the pressure off you. If he was so unhappy he also had the option to end the marriage, respectfully and amicably as would be best for all concerned including your DC. But he chose instead to shag some trollop, because she thought he was funny?? He is a weak, pathetic man child who does not deserve your consideration. Dig deep and find your anger here op, somewhere in you, you know he is totally in the wrong.

What do you want? Honestly who gives a fuck what he wants, he already had everything he wanted and he didn’t give a fuck about you.

Has he moved back into your home?

Over the years there have been threads from posters so upset because their partners are ANGRY that they haven't "got over" the affair and "are still thinking about it".
So angry and nasty because, unlike them that have moved on, the cheated on partner is still upset.

Other posters often write they regret taking them back and eventually divorced, as the relationship was irretrievably broken.

So not only are they unfaithful they were also bullys who thought THEY get to CHEAT and decide how long YOU are allowed to be upset about it.

At this point OP, I really think you need to stop thinking about what HE has done and focus totally on YOU and the type of woman YOU are and what YOU want.

Are you the sort who can move on from this with him and just forget all of the nastiness and deceit?

That's what this comes down to.

Either way you have healing to do.

Do you want to re-commit your future to someone who despises you, and was 100% ready to dump you and your son when a more appealing option came his way?

That is your choice IMO.

Take him back, suck it up and hope to God that no one else EVER catches his eye.

OR

You realise, NOPE, I am not placing my future happiness in the hands of a man who felt comfortable enough to tell me he despised me, wasn't happy, cheated on me and only came back when his EXIT plans went tits up.

This is about deciding who YOU are and what YOU want and what YOU will accept.

We teach people how to treat us.

What do you want this to have taught him about how he can and has treated you?

What you decide will be what you will teaching him.

I think you sound like you are worth 10 of him.

He didn't only cheat on you, he cheated on your child, you don't ever want to forget that IMO.

Actions have consequences is what he deserves to be taught, and you are not a plaything to be used, discarded and picked up again because you have further use after all.

Here's the original thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4428170-Husband-says-he-s-miserable-in-our-marriage?pg=1

@AB10
I've been following from the beginning. I admire your strength so much. You may not feel it but if you decide to, you can do this on your own.

@AB10. I’ve been in the position too with smy H wanting me to just forget about it and move on - it was’a mistake’ to quote him. He actually destroyed my evidence one day when I was in the bath (about 6 weeks after it came out) because it was upsetting ‘him’ —knowing I had it all filed and printed out. I’ve stayed for practical reasons, but I’ve never felt the same, went totally off sex and am deciding what to do once April 6th has kicked in— he isn’t a horrible guy and I do care still but he ruined that feeling of ‘special’ — I would certainly advise you to insist on some time apart— it’s very hard to have a clear head whilst the person who caused the hurt is still there often acting like the pet dog in need of affection as they now feel insecure

No, he’s not back home although last night I made a terrible mistake.
I suggested that he take DS out for ice cream away from the house. It’s hard to even suggest that as I want our son to at home in the evenings but my husband had been in the house so much, I feel so confused.
He was furious at this and started to threaten that I had to make a choice last night, it was either I take home back, stop ruminating on the affair and try to make a go of things or that was it. He was gone. He started talking about 50/50 custody which I’m sorry to say I panicked about. He saw that and said if he was to come back I wasn’t to talk about the affair unless I’m designated times. That he’s stuck out talking. He then went to work today, where of course he had the affair and said that he wasn’t taking any of my calls.
I’ve spoken with my best friend and she’s horrified, said that’s he controlling me and I although devastated and so low, have to begin seeing that. 💔

Op he is definitely trying to manipulate you by threatening you with custody. This is what other posters have said about him turning nasty.

Oh @AB10 I’m so sorry, he really is showing you who he is. The 50/50 threat is a classic tactic because he hasn’t got his own way with you Abd he doesn’t have the OW either

Have you consulted a solicitor yet?

OP, what you are going to do about the horrid person who calls himself your husband? Have you talked to a therapist about what you are going through? How about a solicitor?

All the updates you write show how much of a bastard your husband is. I hope you find the strength and love for yourself to advocate for yourself and your child.

The 50/50 threat is exactly that - a threat. He doesn't want to take DS out for ice cream because that would mean him sitting with his child on his own and having to actually engage properly with him with no distractions.

Most men view their child/ren as a problem to be managed, rather than a young person to be enjoyed and build a full parental relationship with.

Tell him yes, have 50/50 parenting, because you'd love to have equal time to do whatever you want.

The last time I aired the notion of contacting a solicitor, he began to cry.
He is still following the OW on social media but again I shouldn’t be upset about that.