Recovering from husband’s affair and the breakdown of our family

[AB10]

Hi everyone.
I apologise for the absence. The previous thread maxed out and I debated whether to start another but I feel like not only to miss your strength but it’s only right I update you all.
Well life is continuing. It is now been over 6 weeks since my husband ripped our family apart just before Christmas. I am still standing. My DS is still happy and life is continuing. But inside I am broken.
I still just cannot believe he treated us so cruelly and thought so little of our family.
The OW is out of the picture but he is still working in the same environment which of course is very difficult.
Not really any kind of resolution but how can there be? I am just left with so many whys and doubts and hurt.
I have mentioned divorce and he doesn’t want a divorce… 😢

@AmandaHoldensLips is right. He is not really likely to want 50/50, but as long as he has it to control you he will say so. I suggest you do as they say and say “great I’d love the chance at a dinner out with friends while you have DC” etc.

A man who will pack his suitcase and suddenly walk out in front of his child is not interested in lumbering himself with single parenthood half of his time

@billy1966

Oh OP,

Of course you are still in shock and disbelief.

How would you not be?.

He went off with a married colleague.

Two family's having bombs dropped in their midst by really selfish people.

I mean this VERY, VERY kindly, but there is NO way he has fallen in love with you again.

That is absolute bullshit.

The sort of bullshit lying toads say because they need to.

He felt so comfortable telling you, his wife that he despised you.

With the greatest of respect, you would be a very silly woman to forget that,..... or to think that someone who says something so completely wounding, is to be believed, that they have suddenly fallen back in love with you.

That he is so obtuse as to suggest he could still be with her, and that that might flatter you, must make you wonder did he ever know you, or you him.

What I think you can rightly assume is that his plans did NOT work out as planned, and he is furious back tracking as his options have narrowed, and presently, you are his best option.

There is absolutely no guarantee that he won't do this again, infact, I would put money down that he will be unfaithful again.

I would consider it a given.

Your choices are, do you want to continue this yoyo back and forth, delaying the inevitable for another couple of years, possibly adding another baby to the mix?.

Or, do you accept this as your new reality, your son is doing well, move forward with a divorce, and give yourself time to heal.

You are young and deserve so much better that this this excuse of a man.

Absolutely this, he doesn't love you, he hasn't fallen back in love with you, you're his Plan B. It's over with the ow and he needs somewhere to live so he's very kindly 🙄 decided to come home and let you forgive him. Divorce this piece of shit, save yourself the agony of doubt, hurt and being unable to trust anything he says again. If you don't, he'll do it again, believe that. You got this op, pack his bags ❤️

@AB10

The last time I aired the notion of contacting a solicitor, he began to cry. He is still following the OW on social media but again I shouldn’t be upset about that.

He’s a massive controlling bellend who can’t bear that you won’t just do as you’re told

Ignore his tears as he ignored yours Abd get some proper legal advice. Also bear in mind you don’t actually need to either ask his permission or tell him what you’re doing x

You don’t need to tell him/ air notions that you’re going to see a solicitor.

Just go and see a solicitor. Don’t tell him.

He didn’t tell you he was having sex with another woman. Why give him the courtesy of informing him you’re seeing a solicitor?

Your husband coming around almost every night is also not helping your situation.

You’re still allowing him into your space daily. He’s now comfortable again to shout, belittle you and threaten you to “stop going on about the affair, or I’ll take our son 50-50” (ps- he won’t).

Your husband hasn’t changed. Here he is in all his glory. Still an utter bastard thinking only of himself and his needs.

You need to act NOW before this toxic environment becomes any worse.

And it will become worse without clear boundaries and decisions.

1. Book a solicitor / get legal advice
2. Get all your financial affairs in order
3. Establish clear boundaries for your husband. Ie- he no longer sees your son at the family home. Where he takes your son is up to him. Not your problem.

@PorpoiseWithPurpose

You don’t need to tell him/ air notions that you’re going to see a solicitor.

Just go and see a solicitor. Don’t tell him.

He didn’t tell you he was having sex with another woman. Why give him the courtesy of informing him you’re seeing a solicitor?

Your husband coming around almost every night is also not helping your situation.

You’re still allowing him into your space daily. He’s now comfortable again to shout, belittle you and threaten you to “stop going on about the affair, or I’ll take our son 50-50” (ps- he won’t).

Your husband hasn’t changed. Here he is in all his glory. Still an utter bastard thinking only of himself and his needs.

You need to act NOW before this toxic environment becomes any worse.

And it will become worse without clear boundaries and decisions.

1. Book a solicitor / get legal advice
2. Get all your financial affairs in order
3. Establish clear boundaries for your husband. Ie- he no longer sees your son at the family home. Where he takes your son is up to him. Not your problem.

Word for word this.

Stop allowing him continuous access to your space.

God he hasn't even unfollowed her even though that one click would be a tiny example of prioritising you over her. He really is a nasty little toad.

These nasty episodes he keeps having are who he is now. This is him.

He isn't devastated he's hurt you. He's angry you aren't over it.

He isn't devastated he can't see his son as much as he did before. He's angry you're putting rules in place for access.

He isn't devastated to lose you. He's angry he didn't get the choice because neither of you want him.

He's an angry little wanker who thought arrogantly that he could do what he wanted and his life wouldn't implode.

He was wrong. You are tougher than he thought. Keep showing him that.

Get a divorce filed and a contact schedule in place.

He won't actually want 50/50. Men like him never do.

He saw that and said if he was to come back I wasn’t to talk about the affair unless I’m designated times. That he’s stuck out talking. He then went to work today, where of course he had the affair and said that he wasn’t taking any of my calls.

Can you see how warped and controlling this, OP???? He's saying he will decide when you are allowed to talk about the affair he had that's destroyed your marriage. That's chilling behaviour.

Remember how strong you've been so far. Don't give him the satisfaction of calling him. Instead, use the time to book that appointment to see a solicitor. Now, today.

It's not a given he'll get 50:50.

And stop him coming inside of the house. Yes, it's going to be hard, but you need to let him see DS on separate turf.

I haven't read your previous thread but I had a serial cheater who always promised 'never again...it's you I love, etc'. 13 years in he met 'the one' half my age and refused to give her up and so i had to force the issue and we split up. I feel your pain but the OW has dumped him, so he's happy to keep you sweet as 'you'll do' for just now. Cheaters never stop, and in my case, the more he earned, the less he cared about fidelity. Men like this don't think about kids and fallout, just their egos and their willies. My advice is take your time but get strong and decide what you want because you might realise that it's dignity and the opportunity to meet someone who does respect you.

So he refused to take his child out for icecream and to shut you up about the suggestion said he’d go for 50/50 contact? I’m pretty sure he knows that would be significantly more effort than taking him out for icecream, see how full of shit he is? You don’t need his permission to see a solicitor, you don’t need his permission to end the relationship, you can mention his affair whenever and wherever you want to, and you don’t need to live within these rules that say he can do whatever he wants and you can’t even mention it.

@AB10

No, he’s not back home although last night I made a terrible mistake. I suggested that he take DS out for ice cream away from the house. It’s hard to even suggest that as I want our son to at home in the evenings but my husband had been in the house so much, I feel so confused. He was furious at this and started to threaten that I had to make a choice last night, it was either I take home back, stop ruminating on the affair and try to make a go of things or that was it. He was gone. He started talking about 50/50 custody which I’m sorry to say I panicked about. He saw that and said if he was to come back I wasn’t to talk about the affair unless I’m designated times. That he’s stuck out talking. He then went to work today, where of course he had the affair and said that he wasn’t taking any of my calls. I’ve spoken with my best friend and she’s horrified, said that’s he controlling me and I although devastated and so low, have to begin seeing that. 💔

I missed the above.

Go he is just so nasty.

Please get advice OP legally.

He doesn't care about you.

He just wants to use you, until the next time.

Please protect yourself.

What an unbelievable little shit this man is. OP you sound lovely, get rid of this unutterable wanker - he has shown you who he is - believe him.

He really is just so cruel. He said to me last night when he was giving me the ultimatum I either take him back or that’s it, that he couldn’t give me any guarantees that our marriage would work, saying as he doesn’t know how I’ll act. I’m I some performing monkey?
He really doesn’t care about me at all. 💔
I have to stay strong. Thanks everyone.

Ooh the cheek of him! Hold your nerve, op. You deserve so much better.

Thank goodness you are seeing him clearly.

He is not worth wasting another minute on.

Gather all your paperwork together and see a solicitor and tell him nothing.

Stop allowing him in every night.

I would counsel extreme caution here
If you choose to reconcile you would both have to 100% commit. Couples counselling would be helpful
However you sound uncertain, understandably. He sounds uninterested in accepting responsibility for his actions and the emotions triggered consequently
Over time, Its possible that you would grow to despise him. When this happens you can’t get away from it and it influences your behaviour. You can’t help it. The relationship becomes toxic and you become bitter. Not a good place to be
I speak from experience

He's just pond life OP. Throw him back and let him sink to the murky depths!

He is in self-protection mode and desperately trying to control the situation and especially you.
In his eyes didn’t get it right, OP. You were meant to crumble and meant to agree to every rule he is trying to make and destroy all evidence, never to refer to it again unless he says you can, and he will even timetable it. At his convenience, of course. You were meant to beg him to come back, be willing to agree to all his terms, then not only sweep it under the carpet but buy the bloody brush yourself.
The nastiness and resorting to threats are just devices to get you to do what he wants and control you. Crying and beating his chest haven’t worked, so making you afraid and trying to coerce you is plan B. It’s what weak, selfish men do when their usual control methods fall on deaf ears.
He is still in contact (following on FB is contact as far as I’m concerned) and working with her obviously means contact also. Total, permanent non-contact (evidenced) as soon as possible is the bare minimum. He’s not a safe partner by a country mile and proving himself to be a nasty, controlling bully.
He isn’t remorseful, he hasn’t a clue about, nor does he care about you or the pain and devastation he has caused. He is so fixated on getting back to where he was before you inconveniently got in the way of his shagging somebody else that he doesn’t even see you, see the pain you’re in or consider how this affects you. Priorities one and two are him and himself.
He should be the one crumbling and begging on bended knee to even stand a chance of getting even his toe back in the door. He should hardly be able to utter a sentence that doesn’t contain the word ‘sorry’. He should be totally non-contact with OW and offer to move his job if that’s what it takes to prove to you it’s over and make you feel safe. He should be asking how YOU feel, what YOU want to do and how YOU are coping. He should be asking how he can help YOU build trust and what YOU want that to look like, he should be kind and patient when you are upset and answer all and every question totally truthfully, in as much or little detail that you want. If you needed to ask the same question over and over again for reassurance, he should be calm and patient and just fucking answer it. The short version of this is that (at the very least) he sucked enormously when he did what he did, but now he should be sucking up to you even harder and sucking up the enormous amount of pain and anger that might come his way from you, and without a bloody murmur. And with a ‘sorry’ on repeat.
This is what men who really see that they royally fucked up, truly regret it, really love you and want to change themselves and make things work do. This as a bare minimum is what it looks like to get you to even deign for a millisecond to contemplate giving a second try to the marriage. And even if they do this, you still don’t have to consider it or never change your mind if you do.
He’s not that guy, OP. He’s a self-centred, entitled, controlling arse. He won’t even want 50-50 child care. Call his bluff. You are better off without him.

You will get there OP. You know if he loved you he would be turning himself upside down and inside out and go all out to prove how devastated he is that he broke your heart, no matter how painful it is for him personally. He will be the biggest loser here in the final outcome.

I have been following your threads. I actually cannot believe his behaviour! I am afraid I think you need to instigate divorce otherwise he will always treat you badly. If there’s any way you can forgive him in the future and move on, that is something you could work on later (many ex-couples get back together after divorce) but I do not believe he is showing remorse in his current situation. You need to show him who is actually boss, he didn’t like the old you then you should tell him the old you would have stayed with him but that’s not attractive to him so what would the point be! He hasn’t left his employment, he is still following her on social media and he is showing no meaningful remorse it has all been tokenistic. If he wants 50/50 childcare then call his bluff, would he really be able to do this with his job?

@AB10

No, he’s not back home although last night I made a terrible mistake. I suggested that he take DS out for ice cream away from the house. It’s hard to even suggest that as I want our son to at home in the evenings but my husband had been in the house so much, I feel so confused. He was furious at this and started to threaten that I had to make a choice last night, it was either I take home back, stop ruminating on the affair and try to make a go of things or that was it. He was gone. He started talking about 50/50 custody which I’m sorry to say I panicked about. He saw that and said if he was to come back I wasn’t to talk about the affair unless I’m designated times. That he’s stuck out talking. He then went to work today, where of course he had the affair and said that he wasn’t taking any of my calls. I’ve spoken with my best friend and she’s horrified, said that’s he controlling me and I although devastated and so low, have to begin seeing that. 💔

He’s still following the script then. Didn’t take long 🙄 Pathetic! I’m sorry op I know this hurts but part of me is glad he’s showing himself now so you don’t take him back.

You won’t have to look far to read on here how many other spineless losers have threatened 50:50 for control reasons. It never works out that way!

Sorry wrong thread. My app keeps playing up!

Hi OP,
Please stop contacting him and talking to him - he is not your friend. You don't need ask him for permission to do anything you want to do, nor tell him about it. You don't need his views on the idea of seeing a solicitor, just please see one and don't tell him. You would benefit from knowing where you stand financially. You didn't make a mistake in telling him to take your DS out - this is exactly what you should do (stop blaming yourself!). He left you for OW so you can change the locks and tell him that he no longer enters the house. Meet him on the doorstep with DS ready to go out with him at the next visit. Have a friend "pop by" for coffee and be in the house when you do this so there is someone else there which should stop him acting up/being dramatic about it. if he wants more belongings back he can put it in a text to you (keep copies of all correspondence) and you can hand him his stuff in a bin bag at his next visit. Be matter of fact and direct. Tell him to stay away as you need your space and you need to think. He if ignores this, tell him that the more he hounds you the more likely you will be to end things. Never tell him what you are actually thinking! Feel free to tell everyone else about what he has done -why should you protect his reputation? He didn't. Good luck.

I can imagine how devastated you must be. Wait? He doesn't want a divorce? You gave him an easy way out and he chewed on it.

Why not consider Nonmonogamy? If you leave him to get away with cheating he will do it again. At least he has given you a reason to open the relationship to outsiders. Do not beat yourself up. Just make him feel how to hurt you are so that he either gives you divorce or mend his ways.

He doesn't deserve your tears one bit. Brace yourself up and start stashing funds to keep you and your children secure, if he is the sole financial provider.