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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Recovering from husband’s affair and the breakdown of our family

162 replies

AB10 · 29/01/2022 11:42

Hi everyone.
I apologise for the absence. The previous thread maxed out and I debated whether to start another but I feel like not only to miss your strength but it’s only right I update you all.
Well life is continuing. It is now been over 6 weeks since my husband ripped our family apart just before Christmas. I am still standing. My DS is still happy and life is continuing. But inside I am broken.
I still just cannot believe he treated us so cruelly and thought so little of our family.
The OW is out of the picture but he is still working in the same environment which of course is very difficult.
Not really any kind of resolution but how can there be? I am just left with so many whys and doubts and hurt.
I have mentioned divorce and he doesn’t want a divorce… 😢

OP posts:
Jesseyb85 · 02/02/2022 14:35

Do not fall for his crocodile tears. Cheating is an intentional act. And the thought doesn't begin in a day. He has been thinking of cheating until it happened.

It's okay to forgive him. But know that it's because women allow men to get away with infidelity that they continue to repeat the action without changing.

Justilou1 · 02/02/2022 14:43

Go and see a solicitor. Keep a diary of conversations like those threats. That’s coercive control. He’s a nasty, nasty man.

BreathingDeep · 04/02/2022 15:54

Oh goodness AB10, he's showing you his true colours now. From your first thread, it sounded like he would only offer sympathy and support for a limited period when you were struggling, and now, given the huge upset and upheaval he's inflicted on you, it's the same situation. Almost an eye roll and 'aren't you over this yet?' attitude. How dare he?

The fact is he chose to develop a relationship with another woman. He chose to put you and his son at the bottom of his priorities. He chose to say cruel things to hurt you, in order to justify his new relationship. He chose to walk away. He is now choosing to pick up where you left off, and he is choosing not to give you what you need in order to process what's happened.

He turned your life upside down with no warning and yet now, he's demanding that you decide what happens next NOW? He didn't give you warning of his bloody bombshell just before Christmas.

I know it's so easy for us who aren't part of your situation to give advice, but he doesn't deserve your tears or your love. If he were genuinely contrite and knew what he'd risked, he'd be letting you call the shots about if and when you can forgive him, not demanding that it's now or never. Even when he's done wrong, your forgiveness (or lack of) has to be all about him. He's a disgrace.

Stay strong. You sound lovely and your son is so blessed to have you. Rely on those you hold close and let them support you.

curledupinaball · 04/02/2022 16:01

@BreathingDeep

Oh goodness AB10, he's showing you his true colours now. From your first thread, it sounded like he would only offer sympathy and support for a limited period when you were struggling, and now, given the huge upset and upheaval he's inflicted on you, it's the same situation. Almost an eye roll and 'aren't you over this yet?' attitude. How dare he?

The fact is he chose to develop a relationship with another woman. He chose to put you and his son at the bottom of his priorities. He chose to say cruel things to hurt you, in order to justify his new relationship. He chose to walk away. He is now choosing to pick up where you left off, and he is choosing not to give you what you need in order to process what's happened.

He turned your life upside down with no warning and yet now, he's demanding that you decide what happens next NOW? He didn't give you warning of his bloody bombshell just before Christmas.

I know it's so easy for us who aren't part of your situation to give advice, but he doesn't deserve your tears or your love. If he were genuinely contrite and knew what he'd risked, he'd be letting you call the shots about if and when you can forgive him, not demanding that it's now or never. Even when he's done wrong, your forgiveness (or lack of) has to be all about him. He's a disgrace.

Stay strong. You sound lovely and your son is so blessed to have you. Rely on those you hold close and let them support you.

It's all so very hard it's like a double whammy, processing the cruel things he said and dealing with the betrayal. It's shit and when combined with the fact it's all from the obe person you always thought you could depend on.
Original poster
AB10 · 04/02/2022 20:40

It get worse…
So he has given me access to his email account, phone etc. Not sure why because I’ve never been that sort of wife to need access to these things to check my husband is a good person. 💔
I checked tonight out of mild curiosity and low and behold there is an email from her and a reply from him. Both emails are loosely related to work but that is it for me. I was done before. Way done. But I am so done that done does not even describe it. He is a lying shit!

OP posts:
Thewookiemustgo · 04/02/2022 21:17

I’m so sorry @AB10.
You are right to be done. He’s nowhere near doing the right thing and by the sounds of it never has.
Find your anger and your strength now. At least you have no doubt who he is now, no need to feel bad about ending the relationship or moving on.
He did this and has no intention of considering you or your feelings.
Thinking of you this evening X

Dibble135 · 04/02/2022 21:26

I’m sorry op. I remember that feeling in my tummy well. It hurts. Use it to know keeping him away is the right thing. No more self doubt. No more blaming yourself.

bluejelly · 04/02/2022 21:35

You don't have to take him back, you really don't. He has treated (and continues to treat) you appallingly. I would just quietly contact a solicitor and explore the options.

Weenurse · 04/02/2022 22:23

Hang on to that anger and use it to move forward.
Get legal advice, get your ducks in a row, then calmly tell him it is over.
You don’t want to be in a relationship with a cheat who tries to tell you what to do and how to feel.

curledupinaball · 04/02/2022 23:37

@AB10

It get worse… So he has given me access to his email account, phone etc. Not sure why because I’ve never been that sort of wife to need access to these things to check my husband is a good person. 💔 I checked tonight out of mild curiosity and low and behold there is an email from her and a reply from him. Both emails are loosely related to work but that is it for me. I was done before. Way done. But I am so done that done does not even describe it. He is a lying shit!
Unbelievable. Gutted for you know how it feels it's like you've been punched and everything is sore xx
Jk24 · 05/02/2022 00:10

Sorry op not ready whole thread. What's your living situation?

Onthedunes · 05/02/2022 00:27

He is a lying shit

That's right
And that's all you need to know about him.

Use that anger, take no prisoners and put into place a plan to move on.

From this point on, show him no mercy.

Flowers
MrsTrumpton · 05/02/2022 08:02

AB10 So part of his "you can only talk about the affair at allotted times when I say so" plan clearly involves you having to put up with him and the OW bubbling under the entire time. I'm glad you're angry. Hold onto that anger and see a solicitor. It's time.

billy1966 · 05/02/2022 08:38

OP,

I wouldn't bother letting him know what you have seen.

He will just argue with you.

Far better to allow it to quietly fuel your determination to get a solicitor and get rid of him.

He is utter scum and you deserve so much better.
Flowers

Ladybugzrock · 05/02/2022 08:49

Say you’re done and be done.

Time to show him what a fierce woman you are. Get rid of this waste of space.

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 07/02/2022 07:23

I hope this is finally the strength you need to see a solicitor. I hope you’re okay, OP.

BustaVella · 07/02/2022 08:08

I have mentioned divorce and he doesn’t want a divorce…

Of course he doesn't. She's gone, if you go too who does he have?
Yes had his cake and eaten it too now he wants everything to go back to how it was and for you to just get on with it.
And you're letting him. He has the choice here... You won't ever get over it. It's just how it is. You either live with it or get rid. But right now it seems to be all his choice so no doubt he will do it again. This trial run worked out fine... And now he can be smarter next time and if he gets caught again? Oh well he can just tell you he wants to stay and it goes away.

gonnabeok · 07/02/2022 08:14

OP, think carefully about what you want. After I caught my ex cheating we split up for 3 months and he moved out. Then he moved back in but my feelings had died for him and I felt full of resentment and anger if I'm honest. What was done couldn't be undone and I couldn't forgive so I ended it. I have zero feelings for him now. Of course the OW had kicked him to touch because he had told her we were not together when we were. Guess I was second best.

Take all the time in the world to make a decision and some therapy if possible. One day I woke up and realised I just couldnt do it anymore. I regretted having him back, don't make the same mistake I did.

BreathingDeep · 08/02/2022 18:37

So hope you're doing OK @AB10, you must feel like you don't know if you're coming or going. Sending love x

Shhhh · 08/02/2022 23:01

I’m going through similar … Dh working away , finding hotel booking , him staying nowhere near where I thought he worked (varies ). He’s saying I’m crazy & my mind is going mad .. but your post struck a chord with me .
Weight loss , designer clothing for work , always on his phone & now booking 2 hotels to use one as a “decoy” booking .
I hope you are ok. Sending hugs x x

MrsTrumpton · 12/02/2022 14:22

How are you doing, @AB10?

drybird · 12/02/2022 17:34

@Shhhh

I’m going through similar … Dh working away , finding hotel booking , him staying nowhere near where I thought he worked (varies ). He’s saying I’m crazy & my mind is going mad .. but your post struck a chord with me . Weight loss , designer clothing for work , always on his phone & now booking 2 hotels to use one as a “decoy” booking . I hope you are ok. Sending hugs x x
Hmm I had so much of this going on with My H working away.. linked to the iCloud and boom the photos told me quite a story. I feel you pain, my H lived a double life pretty much. Quite common when working away apparently. Hope your OK OP 💐
Nanny0gg · 12/02/2022 18:07

@AB10

The last time I aired the notion of contacting a solicitor, he began to cry. He is still following the OW on social media but again I shouldn’t be upset about that.
Oh, @AB10! Don't tell him what you're doing - just do it. Contact a solicitor on Monday. What you do is none of his business -yet.

He isn't even pretending to try.

Please get your ducks in a row and get everything formalised.

He's a bad husband, father and man and you need him gone.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 12/02/2022 22:40

I wouldn't tolerate a man in my house after that and i'd never forgive him. It's not up to him it's up to you.
You'll be spending the rest of your life wondering when he'll do it again because he will.

curledupinaball · 13/02/2022 15:17

It's all just dreadful. The hurt is unbearable