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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Recovering from husband’s affair and the breakdown of our family

162 replies

AB10 · 29/01/2022 11:42

Hi everyone.
I apologise for the absence. The previous thread maxed out and I debated whether to start another but I feel like not only to miss your strength but it’s only right I update you all.
Well life is continuing. It is now been over 6 weeks since my husband ripped our family apart just before Christmas. I am still standing. My DS is still happy and life is continuing. But inside I am broken.
I still just cannot believe he treated us so cruelly and thought so little of our family.
The OW is out of the picture but he is still working in the same environment which of course is very difficult.
Not really any kind of resolution but how can there be? I am just left with so many whys and doubts and hurt.
I have mentioned divorce and he doesn’t want a divorce… 😢

OP posts:
AB10 · 07/01/2023 12:07

Thanks everyone. I have hit the worthless stage big time. I think the trauma of the last two years has just overpowered me. My DH is waltzing around full of life for our child and I am the lowest I’ve ever felt. He left him home last night just before bedtime and was texting this morning at eight wanting to pick him up. I have no energy left.

OP posts:
layladomino · 07/01/2023 12:34

You will get your energy back. You really will. You've spent a year living with someone who has no morals, who lied continuously, who cheated on you, gaslit you, coerced you, treating you in such a vile, cruel way. And now you've found out the truth and it's life-changing stuff. There's no wonder you're feeling drained by it all.

But you are in a better place than before you found out. Now you have the truth (or enough of the truth to know he needs to be gone for good). You know why you were feeling uncertain all along. You know you were with someone who didn't deserve you. You also know that you gave him another chance and he proved he didn't deserve it.

So you now know the only way forward is without him. You will rebuilf yourself. You will build a lovely life for you and your child. Lean on the good people around you. Seek professional advice. Don't confide in him or tell him your plans any more - he's proved he is not your friend. He doesn't act in your best interests. He acts in his own, which are often the opposite of what's right for you.

If you need to - fake it til you make it. When you're on your own, be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to cry. Eat your favourite food and watch your favourite films. Take care of yourself, mind and body. Build yourself up if you have to see him. Then treat him like an irrelevance. Someone you're not really interested in either way.

It will get better, I promise. Better things await you. And you can move forward living in truth, which is worth so much.

sianiboo · 07/01/2023 13:08

@Coolheadedbird My father must have missed this list, he's still happily married to the other woman he left my mother for...32 years ago. He's now been married to her for a decade longer than he was married to my mother.

AB10 · 07/01/2023 13:20

This may be so. But my husband’s treatment extends beyond an affair. He spent over twelve months distorting my reality until I couldn’t see clearly anymore.

OP posts:
sianiboo · 07/01/2023 13:27

My father was unfaithful to my mother for the whole of their marriage, probably started even before I started primary school. She was Catholic though, so it was her 'duty' to 'forgive' him. Not that she ever actually did...ruined myself and my two brothers childhood in the process, as her marriage was more important to her than the welfare of her children. In the end it wasn't even her decision to end the farce...

Tell him to fuck off and to keep fucking off. Your child will thank you in the future, living a lie is horrible. No second chances to anyone, in the future.

Crazypaving22 · 07/01/2023 14:14

Threads move so quickly here but I think you're so traumatised you need ongoing support. You have been through so much with this abusive nasty man. Not just the affair. I know you've tried so hard to hold your family together but it's time to put your emotions, physical, sexual and mental health first.

Please take the plunge and head to surviving infidelity. They have a divorce and separation and general forum. Reading stories there might help you process what has happened and posting will get you valuable support from those who have walked in your shoes.

If you haven't already seek counselling for yourself. You've been fighting for so long your energy hasn't been spent on processing the trauma, now is the time to do that.

You matter, please believe that, don't think everything is rosy with him. Remember under everything he's just an unpleasant piece of work and people will see right through him given time.

Flowers
billy1966 · 08/01/2023 21:21

AB10 · 07/01/2023 13:20

This may be so. But my husband’s treatment extends beyond an affair. He spent over twelve months distorting my reality until I couldn’t see clearly anymore.

I think this is far far worse than being unfaithful.

Smooshface · 08/01/2023 22:09

Just surviving as best you can right now is a good start. Try and rest and eat properly while ex has your child, i know i struggled to look after myself initially, it is awful. I spent 8 months being lied to and it was exhausting, you feel unmoored. Try and grey rock and 180 the ex - no emotion, just be practical about things you need to discuss and nothing else. Once you are feeling more human then time for new haircut and nights out with friends to try and find your sparkle again.

Coolheadedbird · 08/01/2023 22:21

Hey in a couple of years you will have spells of utter disbelief that you ever spent any time in this waste a space guy. Honestly. You will be busy with bigger and better things.

He is so stupid but will try and make out it’s yr fault he cheated. He’s missing out on coming home and having things in order. Oh he will never have it. Let him enjoy his chais if a life. And do me a favour. Tell yr in laws this is not what u wanted but unfortunately given his recurrent infidelity you were not really given a choice. Always put the blame back on him always. Keep records so you can show yr child when adult. This guy will twist it in you. Beware.

arcencielpoisson · 09/01/2023 17:21

He is a grade A bastard. Duck him.
So much fuckwittery for you to digest.

Take care of yourself and sleep as much as you can. It will get better, with time.

StrangerBings · 09/01/2023 22:38

Hi @AB10, your story is so similar to mine it's uncanny. My DH ended up moving out and then realised he made a mistake and has desperately tried to make it work. I've has the same bollocks that it was only kissing, despite them staying in hotels together...yeah right! We are together but I'll never trust him and I'm going to leave as soon as my DS has done his GCSEs this Summer. My DH has no idea, but that's the price you pay for cheating. Its like they think it's a god given right to cheat, be forgiven and for us to never mention it. I read through your original post and you've been so amazing. He's one complete idiot and you will learn your value again and be happier. X

JojoRose · 17/01/2023 21:39

how are you holding up @AB10 ?💐

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