Recovering from husband’s affair and the breakdown of our family

[AB10]

Hi everyone.
I apologise for the absence. The previous thread maxed out and I debated whether to start another but I feel like not only to miss your strength but it’s only right I update you all.
Well life is continuing. It is now been over 6 weeks since my husband ripped our family apart just before Christmas. I am still standing. My DS is still happy and life is continuing. But inside I am broken.
I still just cannot believe he treated us so cruelly and thought so little of our family.
The OW is out of the picture but he is still working in the same environment which of course is very difficult.
Not really any kind of resolution but how can there be? I am just left with so many whys and doubts and hurt.
I have mentioned divorce and he doesn’t want a divorce… 😢

Thanks Mrs Trumpton - you are so right. He now loves me again… which either means he was saying all those nasty, horrible things to ease his conscience or he can fall in and out of love like a teenager. I don’t know which is worse. 💔
He is also still vehemently denying that they slept together.

@AB10

Thanks Mrs Trumpton - you are so right. He now loves me again… which either means he was saying all those nasty, horrible things to ease his conscience or he can fall in and out of love like a teenager. I don’t know which is worse. 💔 He is also still vehemently denying that they slept together.

I think the vile things they say is to justify their shitty behaviour. I also question the OW do they really think they can go off into the sunset happily ever after? DH was brutal to me, I cannot unhear what he said and the is he/isn't he cheating is cruel.

@AB10

Thanks Mrs Trumpton - you are so right. He now loves me again… which either means he was saying all those nasty, horrible things to ease his conscience or he can fall in and out of love like a teenager. I don’t know which is worse. 💔 He is also still vehemently denying that they slept together.

I'm not sure he has a conscience or knows what one is, given how he's treated you to date. So if it's option b) and he does fall in and out of love like a teenager, the worry is the pendulum will easily swing back the other way when the mood takes him and suddenly he's despising you again.

If you don't mind me asking, what's happened with the OW? Has her husband taken her back? I don't believe for a second they didn't sleep together.

I'm sending you the biggest cuddle right now. As someone who's been cheated on before, that whole it leaves you with is so impossibly unpleasant.
If you've decided to stick with him, which is your right, you are married with a child, I totally get it .. but you have two options....

this will ether heal with not only time but persistent efforts made by him to right this wrong, to enable you to no longer reflect on this 'mishap' daily, weekly... until hopefully, it eventually is there in the distant background but, your moving forward, happily and feeling like that massive wrong has been righted.

Or, you pack and leave.

For me, my ex never wanted to put the efforts in required to reassure me, understanding that he'd given up his right to be freely trusted when he abused it. He expected things to be settled with a, 'I realised what I did was wrong but I can't do anything about it now except move forward' therefore, putting the situation in my shoulders to 'get over it'.
And I grew to resent him, I hated how he would just Swan around day by day not a care in the world, as if it was a mistake, ooops.
Whilst I was trying to mend a broken heart, single Handedly and expected to not mention the mistake because then it was infact ME stopping us being happy.

I left him on his ass, he then went onto have numerous failure relationships including a secret marriage which ended in divorce a month later.

Listen to YOUR head, and your heart. And see with your eyes weather he's truly sorry for what he did and what He is willing to do to rectify that for YOU.

The OW has, the last time I knew, gone back to her husband. My husband says that he could have been with her if he wanted but I again am not sure of the accuracy of that.
The whole situation is a sordid mess and I feel so awful at my son and I are even involved.
Regarding sleeping together, why is he continuing to lie…

This is textbook. They get caught up in all of the sex and excitement and don't think of anyone but themselves at the time.

Then one day the light goes off and they realise all of the risked. Sometimes they want back be cause the OW no longer wants them, other times be cause they will miss their kids, maybe they don't want the financial hit etc. and in the smallest number of cases they are genuinely sorry.

If someone is genuinely sorry, they will go to the end of the earth to prove it, they will be honest in counselling, they will discuss and problems and do everything they can to repair the damage, but most don't they beg, pledge, deflect, lie etc.

It's no longer about what he wants. It's about what you want and what's best or you. You may even want to forgive him but only you know if this is even possible.

It's a horrible position to be in with no easy answers. It's hard to walk away but can be even harder to stay. You also don't have to make any final decisions. Do what you want and when it suits you. Best of luck whatever happens.

@AB10

The OW has, the last time I knew, gone back to her husband. My husband says that he could have been with her if he wanted but I again am not sure of the accuracy of that. The whole situation is a sordid mess and I feel so awful at my son and I are even involved. Regarding sleeping together, why is he continuing to lie…

Oh my god, he actually said that – "he could be with her if he wanted"???? He's actually dangled that as a reason why you should take him back, because he's chosen you, not her?

He's continuing to lie about having sex with her because he knows if he admits it did happen all along, he's done. At the moment he thinks there's a chance you'll take him back and he's not going to risk it by being truthful.

@AB10

The OW has, the last time I knew, gone back to her husband. My husband says that he could have been with her if he wanted but I again am not sure of the accuracy of that. The whole situation is a sordid mess and I feel so awful at my son and I are even involved. Regarding sleeping together, why is he continuing to lie…

He actually said that???? What a knob! So you're basically the consolation prize because she's staying with her husband?? Sack him off, seriously. One sniff from her that she's up for it again and he'll be gone.

Yes, he did, in reply to me telling him where to go.
It’s the lying and disrespect which is so galling.
Family members on his side have also said he’s not the person they thought he was and although so painful to come to terms with, it’s true.
I had a child with this man because I believed him to a good man, someone who was caring and kind.

Family members on his side have also said he’s not the person they thought he was and although so painful to come to terms with, it’s true.

If they're saying it too, that's pretty emphatic. I know it's hard now, OP, are you are clearly suffering, but you will get through this.

Oh OP thank you for the update but I'm so sorry, this all sounds unthinkably agonising. All I can say is take your time, you don't have to decide on anything on anyone else's timelines. You went through so much, it's a lot to process and will probably take a long long time. Are you in therapy for yourself right now?

He's shown you who he really is.

@AB10

To tell you he could have been with her is appalling, and I think most likely untrue hence him coming crawling back. My husband showed me the text exchange between him and OW which confirmed they were over (at that point, who knows really as they're lying, immoral twats).

Have you had any contact with the OW, can you ask her if they slept together? I asked the OW the things I felt my husband wasn't answering truthfully. He'd already admitted they'd slept together but I wanted to know if they were still in contact, and a few other things. She might have lied to me but I felt she was being honest, she's single and has nothing to risk. Speaking to her has helped me, although my counsellor advised against any contact with her.

If you can't get an answer off either of them I'd assume he has definitely slept with her, imo men don't leave their families otherwise.

Op. I have no doubt that he WAS a good man, that he WAS a good father, that HE WAS the man you married. Until he chose not to be. And you WERE NOT party to his decisions. At no point did he say to you, I fancy someone else, do you mind if I shag her? They lie, they cheat, they minimise, all to get what THEY want. And then somehow, they blame us? It’s baffling and bewildering but it’s just so utterly typical of a man who can’t keep him pants on. But, stand firm. You know you, as an individual and as a couple, as a “we”. You KNOW this shit is not ok and you would NEVER have done it. His shit is his shit, his choices and his consequences…fuck him op, chose you, right now. Because he is choosing himself and that will never work in a “we” scenario ….

Oh OP,

Of course you are still in shock and disbelief.

How would you not be?.

He went off with a married colleague.

Two family's having bombs dropped in their midst by really selfish people.

I mean this VERY, VERY kindly, but there is NO way he has fallen in love with you again.

That is absolute bullshit.

The sort of bullshit lying toads say because they need to.

He felt so comfortable telling you, his wife that he despised you.

With the greatest of respect, you would be a very silly woman to forget that,..... or to think that someone who says something so completely wounding, is to be believed, that they have suddenly fallen back in love with you.

That he is so obtuse as to suggest he could still be with her, and that that might flatter you, must make you wonder did he ever know you, or you him.

What I think you can rightly assume is that his plans did NOT work out as planned, and he is furious back tracking as his options have narrowed, and presently, you are his best option.

There is absolutely no guarantee that he won't do this again, infact, I would put money down that he will be unfaithful again.

I would consider it a given.

Your choices are, do you want to continue this yoyo back and forth, delaying the inevitable for another couple of years, possibly adding another baby to the mix?.

Or, do you accept this as your new reality, your son is doing well, move forward with a divorce, and give yourself time to heal.

You are young and deserve so much better that this this excuse of a man.

@billy1966

Oh OP,

Of course you are still in shock and disbelief.

How would you not be?.

He went off with a married colleague.

Two family's having bombs dropped in their midst by really selfish people.

I mean this VERY, VERY kindly, but there is NO way he has fallen in love with you again.

That is absolute bullshit.

The sort of bullshit lying toads say because they need to.

He felt so comfortable telling you, his wife that he despised you.

With the greatest of respect, you would be a very silly woman to forget that,..... or to think that someone who says something so completely wounding, is to be believed, that they have suddenly fallen back in love with you.

That he is so obtuse as to suggest he could still be with her, and that that might flatter you, must make you wonder did he ever know you, or you him.

What I think you can rightly assume is that his plans did NOT work out as planned, and he is furious back tracking as his options have narrowed, and presently, you are his best option.

There is absolutely no guarantee that he won't do this again, infact, I would put money down that he will be unfaithful again.

I would consider it a given.

Your choices are, do you want to continue this yoyo back and forth, delaying the inevitable for another couple of years, possibly adding another baby to the mix?.

Or, do you accept this as your new reality, your son is doing well, move forward with a divorce, and give yourself time to heal.

You are young and deserve so much better that this this excuse of a man.

Nailed it @billy1966

Yes, I most certainly do not want a life where I have a husband who is continually unfaithful, cruel and deceitful. I wouldn’t ever put my son through that.
Everything said is true. What my husband did was so shameful. I now have the option to divorce him.
He is saying that he is now full of shame. That it’s terrifying that he acted in such a way. That he now knows that he could be happy…
But as you say, these are not words and actually his words mean very little now.

Amazing when their options are suddenly reduced how they suddenly don’t despise you—. I can understand someone saying they don’t feel 100% the same or that they care for you but it’s not enough or they simply don’t love you enough anymore— but despise is a very strong emotion and I would sadly never be able to forgive or forget that— as my gran used to say ‘he had his chance and he blew it’

Of course you are devastated and will be for a while for sure.

But the alternative of this devastation dragging on for years is what you want to avoid.

He did blow it, and I agree with @Crikeyalmighty that his love for you miraculously reappearing now that his plans have vapourised is nothing short of convenient and insulting.

You and your son are not his back up plan.

Bluntly speaking, he is simply NOT good enough for YOU.

He has blown up his family, and that family will not accept being a back up option, now that his colleague has returned to her marriage, and their plans have gone tits up.

As for anyone encouraging you to give him a second chance?

They should mind their own business.

He has put you on a path you didn't want, but now that you are on it, turning back just because he has changed his mind, might suit HIM, but long term will not be best for you.

The hard decision NOW is to put YOURSELF first.

That will be doing ultimately what is best for your son.

I started divorce proceedings against my ex to see if he would fight for us as a family and I was prepared to stop the divorce if he did. Not only did he not fight for us as a family he turned into biggest arsehole ever and became so repulsive as a person I didn't want him back anyway.
Also whilst fault divorce is still about think you have 6 months to decide if you want to file a divorce petition.

I would try and get yourself some headspace away from him to work out what you want. Good luck.

My OH name bombed the OW to his Parents earlier with me there. She is so amazing helping him with his qualification when I'm a Post Grad. I keep thinking to that song "it's me I put you where you are now and I can put you back down too"

Oh my, reading this and how many other people have exactly the same predictable shitty behaviour is crazy. I feel for you as its like being on a roller coaster of emotions and completely exhausting.
I'm nearly 6 years on from being severely gaslighted whilst my DH carried on an affair with a co-worker. I was beyond desperate to keep him from leaving me. He spent months and months destroying what we had until I couldn't cope anymore and he blamed me for him needing 'space'. Then him and the OW had a wobble and suddenly he was back saying he loved me more than ever. Guess what, within 3 months he was back again. So predicable. I wish I had grown a pair and told him to fuck off but I still clung on. It was only when he moved out, that he woke up and thought about what he was losing. I, like a mug, took him back. He also swore they never had sex...yeah right.
I will never love him like I did. I'm just biding my time, waiting to be in a more financially stable place, more mentally ready and to leave on MY terms. I just picture myself punching him in the nuts when he tells me he loves me. He won't know what hits him when I leave and good...because he might get a taste of how much he hurt me.
Please don't waste 5 years of your life. See a solicitor and start Divorce proceedings ASAP and take back your life. X

@StrangerBings

Oh my, reading this and how many other people have exactly the same predictable shitty behaviour is crazy. I feel for you as its like being on a roller coaster of emotions and completely exhausting. I'm nearly 6 years on from being severely gaslighted whilst my DH carried on an affair with a co-worker. I was beyond desperate to keep him from leaving me. He spent months and months destroying what we had until I couldn't cope anymore and he blamed me for him needing 'space'. Then him and the OW had a wobble and suddenly he was back saying he loved me more than ever. Guess what, within 3 months he was back again. So predicable. I wish I had grown a pair and told him to fuck off but I still clung on. It was only when he moved out, that he woke up and thought about what he was losing. I, like a mug, took him back. He also swore they never had sex...yeah right. I will never love him like I did. I'm just biding my time, waiting to be in a more financially stable place, more mentally ready and to leave on MY terms. I just picture myself punching him in the nuts when he tells me he loves me. He won't know what hits him when I leave and good...because he might get a taste of how much he hurt me. Please don't waste 5 years of your life. See a solicitor and start Divorce proceedings ASAP and take back your life. X

You are right it is so exhausting. I am lying in here in bed in floods of tears. So fucking unfair

Hello OP I followed your last thread and have been wondering how you are. Just wanted to say you are doing amazingly for your DC keeping everything together, your “D”H doesn’t deserve you after the horrible things he said and did

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP and I'm sorry for all the other lovely ladies on this thread who are too. I found out 2 days ago that me DH of 21 yrs was leaving me to be with a woman he met less than 3 weeks ago. I'll start my own thread but I'm just in total shock, numb, feel sick, can't eat, sleep. He has walked out on us (2 kids 12 and 14) and is staying with her and her 4 yr old son. You couldn't make this shit up. He has also turned nasty blaming me for being a bitch/evil to justify his actions. I thought he loved me. Clearly not!