Threads

Topics

Usernames

Mumsnet Logo
Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I don't fancy my wife - what should I say/do?
401

User234937 · 28/01/2022 06:58

I'm a dad, here looking for some anonymous advice from a group of (mostly) female parents on a rather sensitive topic.

My wife complains that I never pay her any compliments. The fact is I simply don't really fancy her. What should I say or do?

I can think of a few options:

I could tell her what she wants to hear, even if it's insincere
I could do what I'm doing now - be nice, but don't say things I don't mean
I could suggest divorce

I'm currently doing option 2, and I know it upsets her sometimes, but I struggle to say nice things I don't really believe.

Any suggestions?

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

newbathroom · 28/01/2022 07:00

If you honestly feel like that and can't see a way back then do the decent thing and tell her and leave although might break her heart in the long term she is free to find someone who will fancy her for the person she is

Please
or
to access all these features

NoSquirrels · 28/01/2022 07:00

What’s changed in your relationship to lead to the lack of attraction? Presumably you did used to fancy her? Do you never have sex anymore either? What’s the general state of your relationship other than this?

Please
or
to access all these features

UserBotAI999 · 28/01/2022 07:02

Divorce
This will erode her.

Please
or
to access all these features

GreyCarpet · 28/01/2022 07:02

You could try having an honest conversation with her..?

Is this a recent thing? Have you never really fancied her? What has changed?

You're both living a miserable existence now. What's the point of that just to be able to say that you're married?

Please
or
to access all these features

Splashinginpuddles15 · 28/01/2022 07:05

I speak from being in the receiving end . My ex husband strung me along and I was miserable for years , hoping for change and thinking I was I the wrong .
Then I left. Am now with an amazing man who I love to bits and treats me like a loving partner should .
Leave her I she can start her new life .

Please
or
to access all these features

UserBotAI999 · 28/01/2022 07:05

I briefly jad a relationship with a man who was very ordinary looking himself but told me he didn't feel attracted to me. It was weird. He'd chased me, i wasnt sure, he won me over only to tell me he didn't find me attractive. It wasnt a good experience.

Please
or
to access all these features

SomewhereOnlyIKnow · 28/01/2022 07:06

Divorce. Be truthful and let her find someone who does fancy her.

Please
or
to access all these features

GivenchyDahhling · 28/01/2022 07:06

Your wife deserves better than a man who doesn’t fancy her.

Please
or
to access all these features

Magicandspiders · 28/01/2022 07:06

Presumably you fancied her at some point to marry her? Poor girl. I'd be honest and tell her how you feel. Do you love her?

Please
or
to access all these features

SallyWD · 28/01/2022 07:07

Do you love her? Have you ever fancied her? Why don't you fancy her? Has her appearance changed since you got together? Do you want to stay with her? So much to unpick here!

Please
or
to access all these features

PoshWatchShitShoes · 28/01/2022 07:08

Be brave and leave. You're eroding her sense of worth and damaging her self-belief.

That's a really awful thing to do to another being, presumably just because you're comfortable where you are. I hope she finds someone to cherish and desire her!!

Please
or
to access all these features

shakeitoffshakeacocktail · 28/01/2022 07:09

You could compliment her personality, her acts of selflessness that benefit you. Her mothering skills if you have kids

Is she purely asking for physical compliments

Are you being intimate?

You could see her in the eyes that her next partner will if you end things and she starts dating


A life without intimacy and loving gestures from your husband is going to depress her

What DO you you do for her at the moment? Anything?

Please
or
to access all these features

Changethetoner · 28/01/2022 07:10

It might depend on how long you have been together. 25yrs and childen almost grown up, I'd say divorce. 3yrs and children are tiny and hard work, I'd suggest you stay and work at your marriage. 40+yrs, I'd also suggest you stick it out, unless you are truly miserable. Do you want to be single in your old age? There must be a reason you got married in the first place. Can you think of the good times? Surely you did fancy her at the start?

Please
or
to access all these features

spotcheck · 28/01/2022 07:12

What's changed?
How long have you been together?
Is she currently pregnant?

Please
or
to access all these features

Holly60 · 28/01/2022 07:16

I think you need to determine the reason you don’t fancy her.

If you used to fancy her but don’t any more then think about why.

Is it purely physical? Have you stopped having fun together? Have you lost an intellectual connection? Has she become a different person?

Some of these things are fixable and some are not. If it’s just about physical attraction for you then you need to leave her. It’s not fair on her and is cruel to be with someone you find physically unattractive.

If it’s about connection and having a laugh and talking - then you can fix this by investing time in doing this, in order to find the spark again.

I read a lot of posts on here where women say they’ve stopped fancying their husbands because their husbands have lost their self respect in some way. They aren’t exercising, or they aren’t keeping clean etc. if this is the case with you, discuss it with your partner, ask her if she needs time to herself for self care - you take over chores and let her have some space to do this.

So it really depends on the reason for your feelings as to what you do about it.

Please
or
to access all these features

MargotMoon · 28/01/2022 07:17

My ex husband felt like this. Instead of talking to me and initiating divorce he went off with another woman and the effect on my self esteem was devastating.

You need to find a way to be honest with your wife. She will still be devastated but if you find a way to talk to her with compassion and love and don't keep stringing her along (her asking for reassurance means she knows there's something wrong already) it will be better in the long run for both of you.

Please
or
to access all these features

BuddhaAtSea · 28/01/2022 07:33

Or you could look at her with different eyes.
Right now, all you see is the unattractive wife. She’s probably feeling unattractive by the way you look at her. She wouldn’t ask you if she thought your ‘being nice’ cuts the mustard.
She’s changed, you’ll probably say. Yes, people do change, and what we want is for our partners to be the same as when we first met and got attracted to them. It’s the familiarity. Familiarity is boring, as you found out. We inevitably grow old.

How about you try and discover the wife you have now. Take her on a date. Get her a book you think she might enjoy. Even a simple: OMG, I saw this today and couldn’t wait to discuss it with you, did you see the news? Heck, in some marriages, even opening the fridge, see what needs to be bought and just buying it is sexy.

Please
or
to access all these features

Campervangirl · 28/01/2022 07:37

You don't "fancy" your wife, she's not a slice of cake or a piece of cheese to "fancy".

What about her good points, kind person, great mother, faithful partner, hard worker, great housekeeper?

Tell her that you don't "fancy" her anymore and you'll crush her but otoh if you divorce her she'll be free to find someone who does fancy her.

It does sound like she still loves you and is probably crying out for some attention hense her need for compliments.

Btw you don't happen to have a female friend / colleague / gym partner lurking in the background do you #justasking

Please
or
to access all these features

lilkiki · 28/01/2022 07:38

vile.

Please
or
to access all these features

Caramelcap · 28/01/2022 07:38

Why don't you find her attractive anymore? Has she gained weight from having children or too tired to make an effort anymore?

Maybe she needs a break and to feel appreciated. Spa day, hair done, time to herself to go swimming or to the gym to boost her confidence?

Maybe if she was happy she'd naturally radiate confidence and attractiveness and you'd see her differently?

I know personally how hard it is to not feel attractive to your husband and it wears you down and you then don't want to try.

Please
or
to access all these features

lilkiki · 28/01/2022 07:40

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Please
or
to access all these features

AlbertBridge · 28/01/2022 07:41

Why did you marry someone you didn't fancy?! it's not a platonic relationship.

How do you shag if you don't find each other attractive?

Please
or
to access all these features

UserBotAI999 · 28/01/2022 07:43

A spa day wont help if he's howard wolowitz thinking he can do better than bernadette!

Please
or
to access all these features

Northernsoullover · 28/01/2022 07:47

@lilkiki

vile.

I stopped fancying my ex. Or in more grown up language I was no longer attracted to him. He turned from someone fun to miserable and moany. Its not vile. It happens. OP, what isn't nice is stringing someone alone. You need to end this.
Please
or
to access all these features

picklemewalnuts · 28/01/2022 07:49

I compliment loads of people I'm not attracted to!

You can tell her she looks nice when she's wearing smarter clothes than usual, surely?

I don't like the tone of your question, you sound like an arse. Poor woman. I hope she heads off on her own. When she does, make sure you pull your weight with your kids.

Please
or
to access all these features
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.