I don't fancy my wife - what should I say/do?

[User234937]

I'm a dad, here looking for some anonymous advice from a group of (mostly) female parents on a rather sensitive topic.

My wife complains that I never pay her any compliments. The fact is I simply don't really fancy her. What should I say or do?

I can think of a few options:

I could tell her what she wants to hear, even if it's insincere
I could do what I'm doing now - be nice, but don't say things I don't mean
I could suggest divorce

I'm currently doing option 2, and I know it upsets her sometimes, but I struggle to say nice things I don't really believe.

Any suggestions?

You don’t say that you’re madly in love with her and trying to get your libido back.

Your post is about how you manage your wife’s disappointment in you and hope for a more loving relationship.

Divorce

My ex did what you're doing. It eroded me though I didn't understand why at the time. I felt unloved and unwanted and like a servant (sahm).
Are you feel unsexy in general? Go to Dr.
Otherwise book counselling. If you're going to separate it might be the easiest way.

Had this from other side. When my partner finally admitted something was wrong said he felt like that I.e not fancying me for 3 years and then said it was me I had changed but he knew I was pretending and playing happy families. We have a kid and I was being myself. I would have preferred to know earlier, when we split up I actually threw up for months after he left as I couldn’t reconcile how he felt I.e no attraction with physically living together with sex as a couple for so long.

Did ever fancy your wife or is this a change of feelings?

Do you love her? Would you miss not living with her?

If you're not in love with her then you need to discuss divorce. You don't need to tell her you don't fancy her. Divorce knocks the confidence out of everyone, there's no need to add to her misery.

You need to pay her complements, do that and she will become much more attentive and attractive, give her cuddle every morning, not looking for sex, just a cuddle it works wonders.

I changed from a man who was cold and uncaring to one that is warm and affectionate, his morning greeting is “hello sexy” and a cup of tea.
I’m a different woman, and it has cost nothing, men just don’t understand women need to be reassured, to feel wanted, valued and attractive, then they become attractive.

Does she fancy you?

@lilkiki

are you posting this one a [primarily] woman’s website because you’re looking for another woman to shack up with and move on from when you decide you deserve better in life or because you want women to tell you that a good guy such as yourself does indeed deserve better?

Are you always so rude to men or are you doing it here because you think this if a safe space and we'll all back you up? We won't.

He's asking for help and he's asking for a help for a perfectly valid reason.

What's changed OP?

Wow this is so sad 😞

You "don't fancy her" ? well guess what she probably doesn't fancy you as such either but as we get older if you love someone it doesn't matter if they are no longer the young beautiful person you first for with

We all get older, fatter, saggier etc

Imagine if everyone traded in their partners once they were no longer young and attractive
actually plenty of men do I suppose

Just because you don't "fancy" her doesn't mean you can't compliment her on a job well done, on a nice outfit, affirm her, etc.

leave her so she can find happiness

There must be some things you like about your wife?

You have fallen out of love, and when you do, it is better to leave in good terms than wait until you get to the point where all the nasty stuff happens as hating everyday of your life for trying to live a lie or start having affairs.

I often think that couples to get to violence, toxicity or infidelity are couples who just waited far too long. The signs may have been there for years but people chose to ignore them because “every marriage has problems” or they “had to stay for the children” which is actually more like “had to stay because I am afraid of the financial repercussions of divorce”.

Is this all there is to marriage: ”fancy”?

Sounds like the balance is all wrong.

Asking if you should feign affection or divorce your wife, demonstrates a level of smugness that renders you incapable of being a good husband.

The thing with relationships is you have to love someone as much as you love yourself, which I think you'll struggle with.

@lilkiki

are you posting this one a [primarily] woman’s website because you’re looking for another woman to shack up with and move on from when you decide you deserve better in life or because you want women to tell you that a good guy such as yourself does indeed deserve better?

Really unnecessary 😒 he is looking for advice, not your validation.

Oh my god, use your imagination dude.

Why do you have to fancy someone to give them a compliment? Like at work, you might compliment a colleague on a task they've done well or on their tie or whatever. In a restaurant you might compliment the wait staff on the service or the food. In a taxi you might compliment the driver on their car. You might compliment family members on their hospitality or their house or garden or whatever.
You might (and if you don't you SHOULD) compliment your kids all the time on lots of things, from their clothes to their manners to their schoolwork to their personalities.

If you don't do any of the above, you're not a very nice person. If you routinely do some or all of the above but don't compliment your wife, have a think about why.
Do you see your wife as a person or is she just someone to have sex with, and if you're not desiring her there's nothing to compliment? If that's the case, do her a favour and initiate a divorce, I'm sure she can do better.

No answers from OP?

Leave. She deserves better

Too busy submitting other work to his editor .

Hard to give advice without knowing the following
Did you ever fancy her ? What’s changed ?
Is there someone else you fancy ?

Firstly, you’re a man do you’ll get a lot of harsher responses than that f you were a woman. Don’t take them to heart.

This is a reasonably common topic on her, mainly the other way round, so if you can find and read some of those threads they’ll be more helpful, supportive and understanding.

Someone has asked you what has changed to cause this? Does she look different? Act different? Have different beliefs/opinions?

If it’s her weight, then you’ll get some prickly responses on here tbh. It’s generally seen as shallow for a man to say his partner has put on weight and it’s not attractive. Women with male partners who put on weight get more understanding so again, maybe look at previous threads.

Fundamentally, I think if it’s something that could be temporary then think about why, and why if anything could be done (but if you’re going to talk about it then that’s a really tough conversation). If you can’t see a way back, I do think you may have to split.

Do the right thing...

Your wife deserves better than someone who obviously does not love or fancy her and to be lied to by her current partner.

Be honest and leave this relationship.

@CupOfNiceTea

Is this all there is to marriage: ”fancy”?

^ this 😞