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Original poster

I don't fancy my wife - what should I say/do?

401 replies

User234937 · 28/01/2022 06:58

I'm a dad, here looking for some anonymous advice from a group of (mostly) female parents on a rather sensitive topic.

My wife complains that I never pay her any compliments. The fact is I simply don't really fancy her. What should I say or do?

I can think of a few options:

I could tell her what she wants to hear, even if it's insincere
I could do what I'm doing now - be nice, but don't say things I don't mean
I could suggest divorce

I'm currently doing option 2, and I know it upsets her sometimes, but I struggle to say nice things I don't really believe.

Any suggestions?

OP posts:
Divebar2021 · 28/01/2022 09:08

It doesn’t necessarily follow that the lack of attraction is down to any physical changes in the wife… there are plenty of people in the world I recognise as physically attractive ( by conventional standards) that Im not attracted to personally. People get “the ick” all the time… it’s discussed on here regularly. If you have “the ick” then I guess you work out the logistics of going because I’m not sure there’s any way back. None of that changes your ability to say something nice though… whether your wife has a nice smile or makes you laugh is unrelated to whether you’re attracted to her so shouldn’t necessitate any dishonesty from you.

Nowayoutonlydown · 28/01/2022 09:10

This relationship is good for neither of you.
If you don't find her attractive, you're missing out on a sexually fulfilling relationship, as is she.
You're the one with the power here to change things.
You're stringing her along, and she will not only feel like she's unattractive and unwanted, she's probably doubting herself a little, you're not being open and honest with her about how you feel.

trickytimes · 28/01/2022 09:12

Did you used to fancy her? I don’t understand why you wouldn’t be honest. You’re wasting your life and hers

MananaTomorrow · 28/01/2022 09:13

Why are you staying with someone who you struggle to say anything nice about?? Confused

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/01/2022 09:13

If you're no longer attracted to her, then you need to be honest with her and give her the option to divorce you if she wants to.

You can't keep her dangling on a thread with crumbs, without letting her know the true situation.

She may choose to stay - you may not want to split - but you BOTH should sit down and make a decision together as to whether there is enough left in your marriage to make it worthwhile, or whether you'd do better to split amicably now and leave each other free to find someone with whom you could both have a more fulfilling relationship.

MananaTomorrow · 28/01/2022 09:15

You dont need to fancy someone to give them compliments.
You don’t need to want to be in bed with the to appreciate they are kind, helpful, are looking nice in such dress or have a great haircut.

If the only thing reason your wife is worth giving compliment is for sex, then you have a bigger issue in your hands (and your DW should divorce you ASAP)

Crazykatie · 28/01/2022 09:17

Not too many positive helpful answers, many men are clueless about what women like, men can change and it doesn’t take much effort either, a kind word and a kiss makes all the difference.
Most relationships go through difficult patches, saying divorce every time is not helpful.

LittleKitten1 · 28/01/2022 09:18

What has changed?
I don't think it's unreasonable to stop fancying someone. But considering divorce due to this is massive..

newusernamewhosdis · 28/01/2022 09:18

One post wonder?

Redbeanpasta · 28/01/2022 09:19

As others have said, leave. It gives her the option if she wants it to pursue a relationship with someone who will say nice things to her and find her attractive and let's her pursue happiness. Must be so depressing that the man she married can't say nice things about her.

Enzbear · 28/01/2022 09:20

If you don't fancy her anymore or never did, like if you settled for her, either way you're not going to get past this. It's not fair on either of you to stay in the relationship.
Yes she'll be upset but you can't stay for that reason. Trust me she'll get over you and you can both move on to people who you want to be with/fancy.

LadyPropane · 28/01/2022 09:22

Did you ever fancy her? I imagine you must have done at some point. Did you still fancy her when you proposed?

DamnUserName21 · 28/01/2022 09:22

Been there, OP.
One of the reasons why I ended a 9-year relationship. I'd advise you to, also, without damaging your wife's self-esteem in the process. If kids are involved, co-parent amicably.

shouldistop · 28/01/2022 09:22

You can't find anything nice to say about your wife?

vera99 · 28/01/2022 09:23

This reply has been deleted

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jytdtysrht · 28/01/2022 09:23

I'm not entirely sure if you mean "fancy" purely physically. People get older, people get more wrinkly, fatter and smellier. I suppose as you get older, you might replace lust for a slim waist with awe at the sacrifices and hard work she has done for your kids.

bunglebells · 28/01/2022 09:24

@Changethetoner

It might depend on how long you have been together. 25yrs and childen almost grown up, I'd say divorce. 3yrs and children are tiny and hard work, I'd suggest you stay and work at your marriage. 40+yrs, I'd also suggest you stick it out, unless you are truly miserable. Do you want to be single in your old age? There must be a reason you got married in the first place. Can you think of the good times? Surely you did fancy her at the start?
This is good advice.
bunglebells · 28/01/2022 09:27

@lilkiki

are you posting this one a [primarily] woman’s website because you’re looking for another woman to shack up with and move on from when you decide you deserve better in life or because you want women to tell you that a good guy such as yourself does indeed deserve better?
I think this is a bit unfair. OP might have worded first post a little brutally, but I have been in this situation myself and it is a dilemma. I think that - benefit of the doubt - asking for women's input is a fair tactic in clarifying his thoughts/actions. It's an awful situation to be in for both parties.
BillMasen · 28/01/2022 09:28

@vera99

Precious little info and he's done a runner. Pathetic.
It’s been a couple of hours. Blimey.

Seriously think a lot of the shitty responses on here would not happen on an identical thread posted by a woman

IncompleteSenten · 28/01/2022 09:28

Ok. You don't feel what? Lust?

So tell us about your wife as a person.

What do you love about who she is? What characteristics does she have that you value?

Libido comes and goes over a long marriage. The love you have for each other is what gets you through that.

So. Is she kind? Funny? Thoughtful? Intelligent? Etc etc. Do you have fun together? Spend time together? Are you a team? Do you have each others backs? Do you each do your fair share of all family things?

You need to look beyond "fancying" her to look at your whole relationship.

If it's got good foundations then any one small element can be worked on.

If you both want to

Of course, if "I don't fancy her" is code for "someone else has caught my penis's eye" then it's probably best to end the relationship.

Beefcurtains79 · 28/01/2022 09:28

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Tomjonesmistress · 28/01/2022 09:30

You could be my husband, I have put on loads of weight since the birth of my 2nd child clinical depression. He won’t say that he doesn’t fancy me or love me anymore and it’s killing me. I know I need to leave him but my kids are at the exam stage and I don’t want to disrupt their lives. I’m telling you now, end it. If she’s like me, she’s going through utter hell and unbelievable self loathing. Do the decent thing.

lilkiki · 28/01/2022 09:30

To be honest if people want to be suckered into “aww poor guy looking for help” that is totally fine.
Also for the couple of people who commented (I think it was a couple) - there’s nothing wrong with not fancying people anymore. Did you go onto a mens website to discuss it?

BlackeyedSusan · 28/01/2022 09:30

What did you like about her when you fancied her?

What do you still like about her?

Is there a way to rekindle that? Have you put the effort in? Love changes over time, more towards long term companionship but still with a spark...

Has someone else caught your eye or are you comparing to idealised relationships?

I would advise working on the relationship first before jumping to divorce. Relationships need effort to maintain. There is a happy medium between buggering off at the first sign of trouble and living in a joyless marriage for decades.

bunglebells · 28/01/2022 09:33

@veevee04

Let me guess she's put on weight and doesn't look 21 anymore while you have been wanking to porn every night and her body doesn't match up to theirs . Please divorce her and let her meet someone who fancies her.
I don't normally stick up for men (generally, as a lifetime habit Smile) but come on. This might be true but is a massive assumption. I stopped fancying my ex very long term parter. It was awful and such a dilemma as we have kids. There were many reasons... yes, physically he had given up and was really unfit/unhealthy, also many other (non physical) reasons (he was a selfish arse) that didn't help and probably fed back into me not fancying him physically. I was not in love anymore. None of it was about him not being 21 or me using porn.