I don't fancy my wife - what should I say/do?

[User234937]

I'm a dad, here looking for some anonymous advice from a group of (mostly) female parents on a rather sensitive topic.

My wife complains that I never pay her any compliments. The fact is I simply don't really fancy her. What should I say or do?

I can think of a few options:

I could tell her what she wants to hear, even if it's insincere
I could do what I'm doing now - be nice, but don't say things I don't mean
I could suggest divorce

I'm currently doing option 2, and I know it upsets her sometimes, but I struggle to say nice things I don't really believe.

Any suggestions?

@lilkiki

To be honest if people want to be suckered into “aww poor guy looking for help” that is totally fine. Also for the couple of people who commented (I think it was a couple) - there’s nothing wrong with not fancying people anymore. Did you go onto a mens website to discuss it?

Wtf

Loads of women post this exact problem and no one drops on their threads with a sarcastic “aww poor woman looking for help”

Seriously think a lot of the shitty responses on here would not happen on an identical thread posted by a woman

A woman who would tell me that she can’t possibly manage to give a compliment to her DH because he doesn’t fancy him would get the same pasting from me.

It’s not because you dint sexually fancy your partner that you cant see their qualities or appreciate their looks (eg well dressed, new haircut, putting make up on, whatever). Like you would do for anyone else that happens to not be your partner.

because they’re on a website for women.

if women logged into menshealth or a football forum or something equally aimed at men with the same post, I’d be thinking the exact same thing

@lilkiki

because they’re on a website for women.

if women logged into menshealth or a football forum or something equally aimed at men with the same post, I’d be thinking the exact same thing

Mumsnet is not a site exclusively for women!

@veevee04

Let me guess she's put on weight and doesn't look 21 anymore while you have been wanking to porn every night and her body doesn't match up to theirs . Please divorce her and let her meet someone who fancies her.

Yep.

A woman who would tell me that she can’t possibly manage to give a compliment to her DH because he doesn’t fancy him would get the same pasting from me.
…
Like you would do for anyone else that happens to not be your partner.

I agree and a number of the PPs' responses would probably fall into the same category.

I'd wonder what the children say to their mother that they thank her for or compliment her on. Or how any of you talk to eachother–I'd hope it's with respect and kindness. I wonder if the lack of communication between the adults is having a wider impact on the household.

Do you love her? Does she fancy you?! Maybe you've become more like friends? If you're both happy as it is then that's one thing, but you're clearly not. I think if you're not happy absolutely leave don't string her along ! She needs to know.

You obviously care otherwise you wouldn’t have posted.
If you would like to get back that spark, then first you need to have an honest conversation.
You don’t know what is going on in her head, and it’s only fair for you both to have the opportunity to discus, and explore your options.
Is there someone else in the picture?

yes I know that. However it is clearly aimed at womens issues and most posts are from women

Maybe I’m being a bitch, if that’s the case, fair dues
But I think the post is bullshit. Many men leave women because think they’re deserving of so much more, right after their poor wives and girlfriends have slogged away for years with no help whatsoever. And poor Steve or Gary pr who the fuck ever cries that he no longer fancies his poor wife, whilst inside thinking that’s she’s let herself go.
So off he trots onto a [mostly] woman’s website and it’s awww poor him he needs someone he loves. This guy can’t even compliment his wife. Not one nice thing to say? Truly disgusting. And I don’t care how bitchy it makes me look. The thread stinks.

Wow, this has generated an awful lot of interest.

Apologies if 'fancy' is a bit crude for some. Perhaps I should have said "no longer attracted to".

Anyway the brutal truth is that if it were not for the children (5 & 8) we would have broken up long ago.

One of our children has behavioural and learning problems, and we are lucky enough to afford to send him to a private school which is really nurturing.

If we get divorced, there's no way we would be able to afford that, and in a state school he'd sink without trace.

So I suppose I'm still here because doing so feels like the right thing to do for the kids. They get a far better life than they otherwise would.

You still haven’t said anything about why you’ve stopped fancying her and what the rest of your relationship is like.

You haven’t given enough information.

My assumption is that you’re not getting enough attention, or enough sex, whilst your wife probably has the majority of childcare and mental load.

You sound like you really don’t like her, but again, not enough details for any of us to understand.

Either make an effort to appreciate your wife again or leave her, she deserves the chance to be happy with someone who loves her unconditionally.

Seriously think a lot of the shitty responses on here would not happen on an identical thread posted by a woman

I think I woman would have posted about why her feelings have changed whether he had stopped washing or had physically changed, had become emotionally more grumpy and irritable or whether she was doing all the childcare and house care and work and was exhausted and no longer fancied her partner.
Context matters

What have you both done to address the situation? Or have you both been ignoring it for years?

Do you love her?
Do you enjoy her company?
Are you proud of the family you and she have built together?
Is there NOTHING you feel able, with your high snd mighty honesty gene, to compliment her over? Hair, smile, new top….

Do you WANT to repair and refurbish your relationship? Life can make relationships pretty threadbare. Sometimes if you lean in a bit, pay attention, work at it, spend some time ‘acting as if’, then you re-focus on what you have.

But If you actually want to divorce then get on with it.

End the relationship and allow her to meet someone else. Perhaps someone who doesn't refer to their physical attraction as 'fancying' when they're a grown up.

@Veryverycalmnow

End the relationship and allow her to meet someone else. Perhaps someone who doesn't refer to their physical attraction as 'fancying' when they're a grown up.

With 2 kids, one with LD. Unlikely she'll be running off into the sunset with Prince Charming.

Do you WANT to repair and refurbish your relationship? Life can make relationships pretty threadbare. Sometimes if you lean in a bit, pay attention, work at it, spend some time ‘acting as if’, then you re-focus on what you have.

Precisely.

If you don’t want to divorce you have to work on your relationship. How will you do that? Why aren’t you doing that?

I didn't picture a Prince or a sunset, just hoping she finds a respectful partner which is perfectly possible whether you have children or not.

I think the point is that at no point has the OP suggested this is anything apart from physical. All the women on here saying that it happened to them are also saying the man became selfish or miserable.

The OP sounds exactly like my OH who did this to me, he went out with and married me because he didn't have anyone else (and hadn't for several years) - ironically I'd never had a problem finding a boyfriend. He never complimented me just spent his time trying and failing to line up other people unbeknownst to me. He was always a bit over weight and had a receding hairline but I didn't mind because I loved him - that's what love is IMO. Now he's decided he wants me and I mostly feel contempt.

You don't love you wife OP, like my OH you probably want a model face and pornstar body and don't really care about anything beyond that seeing as you can't even find anything about your wife's personality to compliment her on. Do her a favour, leave her to find someone with some depth and you go and try and find your loveisland clone, 20 years younger - I hope you're rich then you can pay for their plastic surgery to keep them looking the same forever more. Alternatively just get yourself a doll.

But did you fancy her when you met OP? When you were dating? When you decided to ask her to marry you? When you were conceiving your children? If so what's changed? If you didn't, then why did you marry and have kids?

Mate, some posters are genuinely looking to help, so a bit of extra info is needed. Can you expand on what you mean by not finding attractive. Why, when etc

And what you’d want to do/happen in an ideal world. What do you really want

It sounds like there's a lot more to it than a lack of physical attraction.

Is there anything fixable?

But do you love her?
I don't fancy my husband a lot of the time, but I still love him and wouldn't be without him. There is more to marriage than lusting after each other, it's quite a simplistic way of viewing things.

1. If you don’t fancy your wife because she used to be younger, thinner and hotter with an exciting career, and now is older, wider and less hot, with no career, then you only ever connected in a superficial way, which is very shallow and maybe you should get some therapy to try to become a better person, while discussing divorce so she can find someone who actually loves her for herself.

1. If you don’t fancy your wife because she’s stopped making an effort ie has hairy legs and chin and has worn the same foodstained PJs for the past year, maybe talk to her about how you can both make more of an effort. Date nights, buying her nice clothes etc. And bear in mind that these change can imply depression. The pandemic has been miserable…

1. If you don’t fancy your wife because you fell in love with the person she was, eg fun loving and mischievous, but now she’s grumpy and moany, maybe explore the reasons she changed and try taking a holiday / hobby together.

You didn’t say anything about love. If you loved your wife, you’d also desire her. Sounds like either you never really loved her, or one of you has changed.

I don’t buy this not wanting to give false compliments thing. There must be something about her you can compliment. Do her wya sparkle when she smiles? Is her hair nice? Does she have cool socks? Is she a grat driver / patient mum? Sounds like you are chipping away at her confidence by withholding affection.