I don't fancy my wife - what should I say/do?

[User234937]

I'm a dad, here looking for some anonymous advice from a group of (mostly) female parents on a rather sensitive topic.

My wife complains that I never pay her any compliments. The fact is I simply don't really fancy her. What should I say or do?

I can think of a few options:

I could tell her what she wants to hear, even if it's insincere
I could do what I'm doing now - be nice, but don't say things I don't mean
I could suggest divorce

I'm currently doing option 2, and I know it upsets her sometimes, but I struggle to say nice things I don't really believe.

Any suggestions?

Do you still get along? Long term relationships take work and without it loose their spark. It sounds like you both have a lot on your plate. Is she getting time to herself to recharge a bit and regain her spark? Are you getting time as a couple to connect away from the day to day sometimes very mundane stuff. The more you both do that brings happiness to your day to day lives the more likely you are to bring out the best in each other and remember why you’re together. If she’s feeling undervalued and worn down that will be reflected by her loosing her sparkle and likely seeming less attractive to you. Sit down and talk about what needs to change. Do something kind to show her that she’s appreciated, start small and see what happens. So often we treat our partners in ways we wouldn’t dream of treating friends. Take a step back and look carefully at your relationship.

Also you don't have to 'fancy' someone to pay them a compliment. I don't fancy any of my friends but I can genuinely say nice things to them and not make them feel like shit.

@Veryverycalmnow

I didn't picture a Prince or a sunset, just hoping she finds a respectful partner which is perfectly possible whether you have children or not.

Certainly it's possible but fraught with difficulties especially when blending families. Often it ends in tears, often the children's. Sorry, I didn't mean to pick on your post specifically. I just think all of these posts about OP splitting up with her to allow her to be happy and move on are very naive tbh. Op wouldn't be doing his wife a favour by divorcing her. If he's serious about caring for his children's welfare then they should seek marriage counselling, maybe try to do some exercise together, start paying his wife compliments and make sure he's really taking on an equal load at home (including mental load).

Grow up. So you've hit a rough patch. It's called life. You obviously used to fancy her. Unless you now can't stand the sight of her because you caught her watching porn and can no longer respeto her for contributing to the mistreatment of actors then you need to start workingon your relationshipand figure out when and why you stopped. Marriages are not something you can leave untended. 'I'm just not feeling it anymore' is a teenagers response.

When's the last time you made her smile? Took her dancing? Bought her flowers? You want a women to fancy then you have to make her glow.

Ah. An update. 2 children, one with learning and behavioural issues.

That sounds familiar.

Realistically how much does your wife do? Who works, how much time off (genuine, no-responsibility time off) do each of you get, how is childcare/housework split? The vast majority of the time women take in the majority of this, and it’s exhausting, even more so when there’s disability in the mix.

This is often a tricky time for men. They feel overlooked, ignored (I know, my exH felt this), but here’s a tip - before you decide anything permanent, make sure you do your fair share with the dc and with housework.
Share the load of homework, making sure uniform is ready, lunches made etc.
make sure your wife has time to herself.

I have seen this play out so many times, for myself and many other families with disabled dc.
Dad moves on with his life and does Disney dad activities eow, leaves mum to handle everything alone.

If you do leave make sure you go 50/50 with your children so both of you have a chance to have a life.

Is staying the right thing to do for your wife though? Sounds like she’s having a shit time and you’re only interested in the kids.

@User234937

Wow, this has generated an awful lot of interest.

Apologies if 'fancy' is a bit crude for some. Perhaps I should have said "no longer attracted to".

Anyway the brutal truth is that if it were not for the children (5 & 8) we would have broken up long ago.

One of our children has behavioural and learning problems, and we are lucky enough to afford to send him to a private school which is really nurturing.

If we get divorced, there's no way we would be able to afford that, and in a state school he'd sink without trace.

So I suppose I'm still here because doing so feels like the right thing to do for the kids. They get a far better life than they otherwise would.

I guess you could always, divorce your wife have the kids 50/50 or more and find someone else?

I do have sympathy as you can fall out of love/last, but as others have said, how much do you do?

Is child care 50/50
Do you both work?
Do you have equal down time?
Do you both get enough "me" time

Well if you want to keep that relationship going for the dcs, then you’ll have to learn to actually appreciate your dwife for what she does. That’s what a compliment is.
If the only thing you feel is contempt and resentment because you are still in the marriage and don’t feel you can escape, then it’s on you. It’s on you to change your outlook about her, to decide to leave despite the consequences, to reevaluate what is and isn’t important or a nice mix of all/none of those.

And once again, it has no bearing on whether you fancy her or not

(No one was shocked by your wording btw. If you’ve spent any time in MN, you’d know that people use m uh cruder words than that!!)

Are you really staying for the kids or for yourself with an excuse made for the moral high ground? It’s nice having a wife look after the kids and run around after you, and if you split you might have the kids 50:50 which I suspect is more to the point.

So many factors not mentioned so can't advise sorry

Wow, OP, you're getting a pasting here. And unfairly so, in certain quarters - how many threads do we see here from women saying they have 'the Ick' and are no longer attracted to their partner?

If you don't have any attraction to her any more, then that's as it is. You can't make it happen, and neither is it automatically the case that Big Bad OP has gone off his wife because she's had kids/put on weight/whatever (quite a mental leap to get there since OP has said nothing of the sort, although it's always assumed by some here that no woman has ever contributed to the breakdown of a relationship) and that he needs to "grow up" and "suck it up".

The same advice would never be given to a woman - it would be all "Life's too short!" and "You can't stay together just for the children - you deserve to be happy!!" And yet a man thinks of leaving a woman and it's a swift backlash of "HOW DARE YOU?"

The double standards here are astounding sometimes.

Anyway the brutal truth is that if it were not for the children (5 & 8) we would have broken up long ago.

Do you mean YOU would have got divorced, she would have got divorced or you both would have wanted a divorce?

Have you talked to her? Have you tried to make thing better, see what would help her, what would make things easier for you etc…?
If you had the dcs 50/50, would life really be better for you once you have to deal with the dcs on your own?

One thing that seems to be very common is that men want a divorce knowing they ll go back to their single lifestyle (and maybe having to give away EOW).
I’m finding it quite telling that you are mentioning the private school your dc couldn’t go to but no mention of the impact of having the dcs 50/50 on work (could you still do the job you are doing now?), how hard it could be to deal with the child with SN etc…
Basically all the things women first think about when they are thinking about divorce

It's not selfless to 'stay together for the DCs'. They might be in a better school but you're teaching them every day how to settle for a shit relationship; how to use people. A lot of private schools also have scholarships or bursaries if parents separate and a DC has additional needs.
There is nothing magnanimous about being so dismissive of your partner and the way you have ignored every single question posters have asked implies you're not really here for advice.

So basically your marriage and 2 kids comes down to 'fancying' your wife....

what about love, fun, compassion and enjoyment... the time you've shared etc.

It takes more than looks to make a person beautiful.

@BrightYellowDaffodil, I dint have an issue with anyone ‘getting the ick’ and not fancying their partner.
I have an issue with people saying they’ve had the ick so can’t give a compliment to their partner but somehow still want to have the marriage to keep going.

If you are talking about having a sexless relationship based on companionship rather than love, then you need to talk to said partner. That’s only decent isn’t it?
And you should be able to be appreciative of the work your partner puts in the relationship/running the house etc..l even if you dint fancy them anymore.

My issue is that the OP seems to think he can keep the marriage if he can JUST manage to give a few compliment to his DW.
That’s not going to work Imo.

You mention lifestyle but
You still havnt said why you don’t fancy her or if you ever did
Or if there’s someone else you’re fancying

Show her your opening post. That should solve the problem.

There is an old psychological trick. Pretend the feeling is there, act as if it is, you may start to feel it, and she may be happier too so it snowballs. Otherwise no excuse for not having honest conversation and couple therapy

It sounds oddly a if you are looking for permission to either leave her, or carry on treating her shittily because to your mind complimenting her would be lying(???)

I do not hear any desire to improve the relationship between you and your wife -- is there any?

@Splashinginpuddles15

I speak from being in the receiving end . My ex husband strung me along and I was miserable for years , hoping for change and thinking I was I the wrong . Then I left. Am now with an amazing man who I love to bits and treats me like a loving partner should . Leave her I she can start her new life .

This is what I needed to see today. My youngest daughter has split from her husband and She is the one leaving after years of lies. She feels bad but I know she will smile again one day x

You need to think carefully about why you don't fancy your wife. You will need to talk honestly together about where your marriage is going and she will want to know why. You just saying I dunno will not be acceptable at that point. You cannot set off a bomb and then shrug and leave her to turn herself inside out trying to work out the magic thing that will sort it for you. . Is it because she has 'let herself go' is it the ick , is it childbirth trauma, or is it something else ? You may well find that she doesn't feel the same about you either. Have you honestly remained physically and emotionally the same man she married ? My exhusband decided that he no longer found me attractive. Instead of sitting down and talking as adults , he decided to disappear into drink and shallow friends. I hadn't changed physically but we had children only 17 months apart and the pregnancies were very difficult, so I was exhausted. He drank and shut me out . He moved when I sat next to him. He spent as many weekends as he could doing things away from us. He began an affair with a 17 year old girl at work. All the time he refused to tell me what was wrong. Eventually he crushed my self esteem to its lowest ever level and then announced that he found me ' physically repulsive and having sex with me made his flesh crawl'. Don't be that person Op. You only have control over what you want. If you decide to leave it will change your relationship with your children but many people co parent very successfully . You will be free of the pressure you feel to tell your wife some version of a half hearted compliment. Believe me your wife will know that your heart is not in it. It is almost worse than you saying nothing at all. She has a right to say her piece and to feel angry and disappointed that you feel as you do. You owe it to your children to go for counselling. It may change your marriage for the better or , if not, it may allow you both to separate but parent as a team. You can make your plans but you must also knowy that, after the initial shock
and heart break, she will have hers. My ex husband left for the 17 year old. He was so desperate to get away from the tedium of family life that it didn't occur to him that the family, and wife, he didn't want would continue to grow and to thrive and to make a new life . After a while the sheen faded on the new relationship and he decided life with me looked quite fun and shiny and attractive again. Unfortunately there was no place for him anymore as anything other than an ex and a dad EOW. He remained with the other woman, married and had a child. The cycle repeated itself and they are currently divorcing. Think carefully and act with kindness to your family.

Even if you’re a troll I’m rather invested in this thread.
Please come back and answer everyone’s questions.

OP I get where you're coming from and 'fancy' wasn't a derogatory term when I was growing up (in the olden days!). We had 1 DD with very complex issues, then our other DD developed a severe illness. Things have been very tough and we haven't had the time to put into our relationship but we've been close as a team because of what was happening with our children which sometimes we couldn't possibly expect anyone other than us to 'get'. I definitely fell out of love with him but didn't do anything to end the marriage either. Over time, things have begun to turn - we still have huge issues with our DDs (grown up now) but I love DH - we have a long way to go in terms of our relationship and we need to work at it a lot more. I'm telling you this because it's an option for you. Depends if you want to walk away or think about what you already have or not.

OP, if you’re as excellent at communicating with your wife as you are on this thread, then I’m not surprised your marriage isn’t too healthy.

If you start a conversation you do really have an obligation to be involved in it…