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Original poster

I don't fancy my wife - what should I say/do?

401 replies

User234937 · 28/01/2022 06:58

I'm a dad, here looking for some anonymous advice from a group of (mostly) female parents on a rather sensitive topic.

My wife complains that I never pay her any compliments. The fact is I simply don't really fancy her. What should I say or do?

I can think of a few options:

I could tell her what she wants to hear, even if it's insincere
I could do what I'm doing now - be nice, but don't say things I don't mean
I could suggest divorce

I'm currently doing option 2, and I know it upsets her sometimes, but I struggle to say nice things I don't really believe.

Any suggestions?

OP posts:
Anothergreatday · 31/01/2022 20:08

@DrSbaitso

I feel quite sorry for older men who so often seem programmed to find youthful attributes the most appealing over and above a deeper connection with a woman the same age.

I really wouldn't. They're fine with it.

The man who thinks like this is the one missing out on the amazing women his age ( even though he thinks he’s not ) But from womens perspective they weed themselves out , which is a blessing so , yeah your both right really
Anothergreatday · 31/01/2022 20:12

And although opinions will vary from woman to woman whether the 30 year old is better looking than the 60 yr old , or if the postman is better looking Smile I think the general point is that women I. Her teal tend to see the whole person as important whilst there is a certain type of man who thinks youth is really what matters in women, as if we are cattle who are being assessed at the lot
Oh that one’s a bit old get me a younger one lol
No regard for shared history or all the things that go into making a person really attractive

Marshmelllo · 03/02/2022 07:23

@User234937

How you do it is you give her decent compliments, you have sex with her, you be a good dad, you be a kind partner in life.

You know it's not her fault. You know your kids need both of you.

This is a family commitment. You're right that the kids come first.

You get by. You focus on all the great things you do have.

You fantasise.

UserBot9to5 · 03/02/2022 08:11

Yes agree that most mature men see their partner as a whole person. Immature men only ever see packaging and that's why they dont see their own character as r3levant either

mumpea · 03/02/2022 08:12

Firstly you came to the right place for advice and of course everyone has different opinions.
All relationships/marriages going through phases and desires it's never easy especially with pressures of kids and bills etc.
If you do just want to stick it out as you say make the very most of it. Get some counseling or read some marriage counseling books because I truly believe that sparks can return it's you both making an effort. The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chaphman has sold 20 million copies. Other people have the same issues your having your not alone in this but remember your children are learning how to love and having a relationship through your example.

mrsrat · 03/02/2022 08:50

Look so many women I know just let themselves go when they get married and have had kids. Don't give me the working women bringing up kids no time bolllocks. I did it and still found time to blow dry my hair and I didn't stuff my face with biscuits. No time to go to the gym admittedly so walked everywhere. If my husband let himself go should I fancy him . Anyway I did this for myself and I look ok for my age . Sorry this will be flamed but it's the truth

TheApexOfMyLife · 03/02/2022 09:12

Lol at letting yourself go…..

You do realise that not everyone wears make up, blow dry their hair etc…. And it’s OK. Nothing to do with ‘letting yourself go’. Just a choice in how to lve your life and what is or isn’t important.

Anothergreatday · 03/02/2022 09:30

@mrsrat

Look so many women I know just let themselves go when they get married and have had kids. Don't give me the working women bringing up kids no time bolllocks. I did it and still found time to blow dry my hair and I didn't stuff my face with biscuits. No time to go to the gym admittedly so walked everywhere. If my husband let himself go should I fancy him . Anyway I did this for myself and I look ok for my age . Sorry this will be flamed but it's the truth
You realise that it’s not necessary for women to blow dry their hair to look attractive . What century is this church here women are required to beautify themselves in ways men are not to look acceptable ? I actually feel bad for you that you actually believe that sexist claptrap but hey , you do you , just like every other woman has the right to do her
EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 03/02/2022 09:31

Look so many women I know just let themselves go when they get married and have had kids.

It's been a while since I saw that trite trope. I'd be happy not to see it again for a long time.

Sorry this will be flamed but it's the truth

Echoes of Samantha Brick are what will attract responses more than your personal perception of the 'truth' and how this relates to the OP and discussion in this thread.

Greenmarmalade · 03/02/2022 13:38

I’m relishing ‘letting myself go’ at the moment.

I do my hair if I want to.
Eat whatever I want to.
Say nice things to myself in the mirror when I see my chubby naked self, rather than all the anxious crap I used to,

Loving it. I do not care what my husband thinks of any of it.

CousinKrispy · 03/02/2022 13:41

Lol at "walking everywhere" being enough to maintain fitness in the long term. It's not (and I say that as someone who happily "walks everywhere").

5128gap · 03/02/2022 14:11

@mrsrat

Look so many women I know just let themselves go when they get married and have had kids. Don't give me the working women bringing up kids no time bolllocks. I did it and still found time to blow dry my hair and I didn't stuff my face with biscuits. No time to go to the gym admittedly so walked everywhere. If my husband let himself go should I fancy him . Anyway I did this for myself and I look ok for my age . Sorry this will be flamed but it's the truth
Well I hope all that blowdrying and walking leaves you time to cook his tea, iron his pants and take care of his 'gentleman's needs' too. There's more to keeping a man happy than looks you know.Wink
SarahDarah · 03/02/2022 14:26

@mrsrat

Look so many women I know just let themselves go when they get married and have had kids. Don't give me the working women bringing up kids no time bolllocks. I did it and still found time to blow dry my hair and I didn't stuff my face with biscuits. No time to go to the gym admittedly so walked everywhere. If my husband let himself go should I fancy him . Anyway I did this for myself and I look ok for my age . Sorry this will be flamed but it's the truth
@mrsrat I definitely agree with you that a lot of women take their husband for granted and stop making any effort they previously made, which includes appearance, spending time together etc.

I think it's different if the woman was always the type who never made a particular effort with her appearance e.g. make up, hair etc as the husband shouldn't expect her to change. I also think with kids there needs to be some leeway because naturally there's less time to make effort with appearance if that's what you did before. However I think it does get disrespectful when women (or the man, as it goes both ways) cease to make some reasonable effort for the other person.

Both need to continue to prioritise the relationship and make some effort for each other. Most of the time the woman who lets herself go, goes hand in hand with her deproritising the relationship with her husband. It's not healthy to put ALL your effort in the kids, you need to also carve out time for your spouse, which ultimately benefits your kids too.

This of course never justifies a man looking "elsewhere" but more generally, you can't expect a spark to remain if you stop making effort in your relationship.

You'll obviously get angry replies because I'm sure a lot of women on here fall in this category and won't want to hear the truth.

SarahDarah · 03/02/2022 14:33

NB, the appearance part also means weight because that can affect attraction too. It's obviously completely natural for many women to put on weight after pregnancy/childbirth and your shape changes etc. but theres no reason for huge weight gains (that are not medically related) once children are older. It's the same for men too. Too often people just give excuses when it's all down ultimately to self control.

resetting2022 · 03/02/2022 14:47

@SarahDarah

NB, the appearance part also means weight because that can affect attraction too. It's obviously completely natural for many women to put on weight after pregnancy/childbirth and your shape changes etc. but theres no reason for huge weight gains (that are not medically related) once children are older. It's the same for men too. Too often people just give excuses when it's all down ultimately to self control.
The peri-menopause can catch you by surprise - very easy to put on weight during that time.
PleasantBirthday · 03/02/2022 15:18

Goodness, women have to work hard for very little.

foreverandalways · 03/02/2022 15:24

Looks are certainly not everything.....you are very narrow minded.....for better or worse...REMEMBER your vows....your poor wife....everyone making assumptions now and replying where you should have been discussing with her and not on this forum.....SHAME ON YOU....maybe she feels the same about you!

5128gap · 03/02/2022 15:30

@PleasantBirthday

Goodness, women have to work hard for very little.
I was thinking the exact same. The people who think women should try harder must move in very different circles from me. I know very few middle aged married men who are worth a blow dry.Grin
statutoryliving · 03/02/2022 15:32

@SarahDarah

NB, the appearance part also means weight because that can affect attraction too. It's obviously completely natural for many women to put on weight after pregnancy/childbirth and your shape changes etc. but theres no reason for huge weight gains (that are not medically related) once children are older. It's the same for men too. Too often people just give excuses when it's all down ultimately to self control.
Crikey, it would be impossible for me to have maintained my appearance and weight at 20 throughout my child-rearing years. For one, I was a model and barely ate anything so that wouldn't work when being a mum. For another thing, I used to spend at least an hour just doing make-up and styling hair. When you're a mum you're living the dream if you can manage to run a brush through your bed-hair! Lastly, I used to be immaculately dressed, but that was when I only had myself to spend money on. When you have kids it's them that need clothes all the time, not you. I wish men like the OP would value women on the changing values in their relationship. You start out with a young, smooth, taut model, and if you're lucky you end up with a mature, slightly weary yet still beautiful woman who is a wonderful mother to your children.
Anothergreatday · 03/02/2022 20:18

‘I wish men like the OP would value women on the changing values in their relationship. You start out with a young, smooth, taut model, and if you're lucky you end up with a mature, slightly weary yet still beautiful woman who is a wonderful mother to your children.’

Yes that’s so true but this will only ever be the case for men who see women as whole human beings and not as commodities valued for breeding , youth and sex and sadly a lot of society still see that as a woman’s primary role , look pretty have babies and meet mens WANTs . Sadly some women think this way too and are ‘pick me’ s ‘ who think getting a mens attention is worth a jot

UserBot9to5 · 03/02/2022 20:54

I'm single but in my office, all the women ranging in age from 21 to 60 are slim. Only the men under 30 are 'slim' now I think of it. The men over 50 are actually FAT.

This is not a crime. But the whole ''women don't let yourselves go'' warning is just hilarious. I'll let myself go if I decide to.

Instead of the fear of letting themselves go, women should be checking in with themselves and their finances asking themselves, could I leave if i decided to?

Anothergreatday · 03/02/2022 21:06

@UserBot9to5

Exactly , and why exactly is it so important that ‘ women don’t let yourselves go ? So we can gather male attention? What a worthless waste of time that is …
Sure , no one male or female would want to let their health become unimportant but that’s something we should do for ourselves !
I think most women work out that male attention is very insignificant and pretty worthless as they get older and arnt gonna be breaking their necks blow drying their hair everyday just for that . If we do blow dry our hair it will be for ourselves Not for some males attention

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 03/02/2022 22:26

@EmbarrassingHadrosaurus

Look so many women I know just let themselves go when they get married and have had kids.

It's been a while since I saw that trite trope. I'd be happy not to see it again for a long time.

Sorry this will be flamed but it's the truth

Echoes of Samantha Brick are what will attract responses more than your personal perception of the 'truth' and how this relates to the OP and discussion in this thread.

Samantha Brick is my friend ... Blush
Anothergreatday · 03/02/2022 22:42

Grin I just looked up Samantha brick as I never heard of her . Did she really say that

LadyPropane · 04/02/2022 02:41

Samantha Brick is one of those "pay to hate" types. Think Milo, Katie Hopkins etc.

She says stupid and inflammatory things because it gets her media attention which gets her money.

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