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Original poster

I don't fancy my wife - what should I say/do?

401 replies

User234937 · 28/01/2022 06:58

I'm a dad, here looking for some anonymous advice from a group of (mostly) female parents on a rather sensitive topic.

My wife complains that I never pay her any compliments. The fact is I simply don't really fancy her. What should I say or do?

I can think of a few options:

I could tell her what she wants to hear, even if it's insincere
I could do what I'm doing now - be nice, but don't say things I don't mean
I could suggest divorce

I'm currently doing option 2, and I know it upsets her sometimes, but I struggle to say nice things I don't really believe.

Any suggestions?

OP posts:

DrSbaitso · 28/01/2022 08:29

Presumably you fancied her at one point. What changed?

MrMrsJones · 28/01/2022 08:30

Men just can't win here.

When they stay but have an affair it's rightly wrong

But when they ask advice because this aren't right it's wrong.

He has likely fallen out of love with her, maybe she isn't a nice person. Maybe he doesn't fancy her, which is an important part of marriage. Maybe he has the ick, which many women also get.

CaMePlaitPas · 28/01/2022 08:32

Divorce, she deserves to be paid honest compliments.

EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 28/01/2022 08:33

The fact is I simply don't really fancy her. What should I say or do?

It's not necessary to fancy someone to find something to compliment. There's nearly always something worth commenting on in a pleasant manner.

However, as PPs indicate, that's very far from the issue here.

An understanding of yourself with an inventory of why you feel this way (PPs ask useful questions) and a conversation are the best courses of action. And there is no need to be disdainful or unkind despite your perception of yourself as 'honest' or 'averse to saying things you don't believe'.

Lollipop858 · 28/01/2022 08:34

You need to break up with her, unfortunately things like this happen, we get the ick and unless it’s something easily fixed like she’s gained a lot of weight then there is absolutely no coming back from it. You need to ask yourself what the reason is, if you can’t pinpoint it, that’s the ick and you’ll never come back from it.

What you don’t need to do is be cruel because this type of thing can really break a woman irreparably. Be kind and just explain the marriage isn’t working for you, she’ll be distraught but at least you’ll both be free to move on with people you fancy and people that fancy you in return.

OfstedOffred · 28/01/2022 08:40

if she needs time to herself for self care - you take over chores and let her have some space to do this

This. If it's something quite simple like weight gain post kids and you are sure she also would like to lose it too - think about whether anything you are doing might not be helping.

I had to have a LONG conversation with my husband about:

helping more the kids to provide more time for me to exercise
understanding that the working pattern I have is facilitating childcare but at the expense of my free time
him making healthier meals when its his turn to cook instead of carb heavy rubbish
him not buying lots of sugary snacks at the supermarket and leaving them round the house.

Diet & exercise are a massive contributor to appearance, health (skin, weight, fitness) and mood/energy levels and he was really not helping.

Migrainesbythedozen · 28/01/2022 08:40

Why did you marry her if you're not attracted to her?

DrSbaitso · 28/01/2022 08:42

I would never have been able to lose my baby weight if my husband hadn't taken on enough of the domestic load to give me the time and energy to do it.

veevee04 · 28/01/2022 08:42

Let me guess she's put on weight and doesn't look 21 anymore while you have been wanking to porn every night and her body doesn't match up to theirs . Please divorce her and let her meet someone who fancies her.

GreenFingeredNell15 · 28/01/2022 08:45

If you no longer want to have sex with your wife and sex is important to you.... and you've explored couples counselling , and it hasn't worked, then divorce is the only option

erinaceus · 28/01/2022 08:47

What strikes me as odd about your post is that there is no mention of wanting to fancy your wife again. The other strange thing is, people can be complemented on all sorts of things aside from their looks. Do you like her/congratulate her/thank her for what she does?

The obvious thought I had was that now she is a mother she has less time and fewer resources to put into self-care, in which case one option is for you to take the burden off her so that she can have more space to be herself again.

If you are resolute that you no longer fancy her (or maybe never did) then you are in the territory of thinking about whether the marriage is worth saving.

Allycott · 28/01/2022 08:48

Ooh stay put and be miserable! You don't want to be the sad old loner of the community! Much better to be the miserable old spouse counting the days until one of you departs!

MrMrsJones · 28/01/2022 08:48

@Migrainesbythedozen

Why did you marry her if you're not attracted to her?

I assume he did fancy her when he married her and his feelings changed.

itsfreeeeeeezing1234 · 28/01/2022 08:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Pinkyantelope · 28/01/2022 08:51

Please do 3. It may hurt her greatly in the short term but will be immeasurably less harmful in the longer term.

Keeping her dangling is cruel.

Pinkyantelope · 28/01/2022 08:53

@MrMrsJones

Men just can't win here.

When they stay but have an affair it's rightly wrong

But when they ask advice because this aren't right it's wrong.

He has likely fallen out of love with her, maybe she isn't a nice person. Maybe he doesn't fancy her, which is an important part of marriage. Maybe he has the ick, which many women also get.

What?

If a woman said this, everyone would just tell her to be honest and get a divorce.

ImustLearn2Cook · 28/01/2022 08:54

My wife complains that I never pay her any compliments. The fact is I simply don't really fancy her. What should I say or do?

I can think of a few options:

I could tell her what she wants to hear, even if it's insincere
I could do what I'm doing now - be nice, but don't say things I don't mean
I could suggest divorce

I’m a bit confused. 1. Are you saying that you have to fancy someone to be able to give them a genuine compliment? Or: 2. Are you saying that your wife has absolutely no redeeming qualities, nothing at all that you can see about her that you could truthfully compliment her on?

Because depending on if it’s 1. or 2. then you have a fourth option. Work on your own character and for 1. learn how to truly value and appreciate people who you aren’t attracted to. For 2. Look at your wife anew and look for her redeeming qualities and say some genuine nice things to her. Show her a bit of appreciation even if you decide to leave her.

You say you’re a dad. If she is the mother of your dc then at the very least your dc deserves to have parents who respect and appreciate each other and who can model caring relationships.

EatSleepRantRepeat · 28/01/2022 08:55

So many men seem to lose the attraction for their wives without looking at what they're doing towards the situation. So many women are working more than full-time now and then coming home to a filthy house they have to clean and chores they have to do. So, no time or energy to go to the gym, make an effort with their hair, makeup, etc, like they would have done as a single person who was dating. Look at what you yourself can do to give her some space outside of the house and work; maybe you'll start to miss her

AlphabetStew · 28/01/2022 08:57

OMG do NOT compliment her tie ffs (?!) I've also been on your wife's end of this and when you realise your husband doesn't fancy you (and you're still in denial and are desperate for him to prove you wrong and say something nice about you) and he says 'I like your socks' it feels like a slap across the face from someone with barbed wire wound around their hand. Better to say nothing at all.

LordEmsworth · 28/01/2022 08:58

So either, you have never found her physically attractive but married her thinking it wasn't important, you could live with it etc.

Or, something has changed - her, you, or your circumstances - that affects how you feel about her.

What is it that you want from your relationship - do you want it to end, do you want to basically live together as friends and never have any physical closeness, do you want to fancy her? How do you feel about her, yourself, your life together?

Have you thought about therapy to address whatever your issue is? Because ultimately - it is you, not her, who has this reaction so is where there needs to be change. Whether the change is to end the relationship or to work on it.

sillysmiles · 28/01/2022 08:59

@User234937

I'm a dad, here looking for some anonymous advice from a group of (mostly) female parents on a rather sensitive topic.

My wife complains that I never pay her any compliments. The fact is I simply don't really fancy her. What should I say or do?

I can think of a few options:

I could tell her what she wants to hear, even if it's insincere
I could do what I'm doing now - be nice, but don't say things I don't mean
I could suggest divorce

I'm currently doing option 2, and I know it upsets her sometimes, but I struggle to say nice things I don't really believe.

Any suggestions?

Nothing in your OP suggests why things have changed. If this is just a response to a current situation. What her thoughts/feelings are. If are both just exhausted with young kids or if you've changed not your situation.

Fixerupper500 · 28/01/2022 09:00

You are considering divorce because you don’t fancy her?

I think you need to grow up. Have you got young children? Do you do an equal amount of the physical and mental load of the house/children/admin?

DillonPanthersTexas · 28/01/2022 09:03

When you say you don't fancy here what precisely do you mean? You are not attracted to her physically? You are not emotionally connected? You find her irritating?

TatianaBis · 28/01/2022 09:05

Well obviously you need to get divorced.

But I don’t need to fancy people to compliment them.

Isaw3ships · 28/01/2022 09:06

‘ are you posting this one a [primarily] woman’s website because you’re looking for another woman to shack up with and move on from when you decide you deserve better in life or because you want women to tell you that a good guy such as yourself does indeed deserve better?’

Get a grip - would you accuse a woman being this honest of trying to find a bloke ?? Or would you tell her that she deserves someone who fulfills her needs for intimacy as well as everything else.

Op if you can’t make this relationship work and don’t see a way back from regaining intimacy perhaps it is time to re-assess what you both get from this marriage. If you’re not happy, she’s unlikely to be happy.
Therapy may help, or it may be time to move on.

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