I've slept on the sofa for the last 5 nights..

[bogie]

My DH had a breakdown, he never usually even raises his voice but out of nowhere he just started screaming really really hurtful things.He basically said his life is a mess and he wholly blames me. He can’t explain what I’ve done to upset him but he was screaming at me to fuck off and leave him with the kids. Nothing provoked this we were having a lovely day it was completely out of the blue.

I can’t shake what he said out of my head and I haven’t been able to speak to him about it because every time I even think about speaking to him I get so angry/upset that I know it’s pointless I will just start to cry. I haven’t spoken a word to him since Saturday.

I just don’t know what to do, I can’t just live on the sofa forever but we have 3 kids here and so many bills that I can’t afford to move out. I want him to be happy and after what he said I fee as though I’m causing him to be depressed.

He has been to the Dr and been prescribed anti depressants. (He didn’t tell me this just didn’t go to work and left his signed off work sheet on the table when he came into the house.) So I’m hoping they’ll help him but it’s not going to make me forget what he said and I don’t know if I’ll ever see him in the same way again.

I fee so lost, like for 20 years he has been pretending to be happy.
Any ideas?

I had a colleague who was sweet, devout, kindly. But if her diabetes wasn't quite under control, the swearing, slurring and threats could be quite alarming. Luckily we knew she needed to eat. Not minimising your experience, but there could be an identifiable helpable medical trigger.

Hope you're OK OP 💐 and hope you get some answers, and help for both you and your DH. Take all of the support you can get, for both of you. Thinking of you x

That really does sound like someone who is having a medical issue. That doesn’t mean it’s not just him being a jerk and lashing out.

You need to think about this short-term and long-term.

Short-term, he may not be safe for you and the children to be around regardless of the cause. Don’t move out and leave him with the kids.

Long-term, you don’t really need to worry about that. If he is sick, you will figure it out and tackle the problem. It is blowing up your marriage on purpose, you will separate and it will work out even though it will be unpleasant at times.

When you have the conversation, if he doesn’t reveal some secret that explains it all, I would ask to attend a GP appointment with him. At that appointment you should be allowed to tell the doctor as much detail about his behavior that day as is necessary to get the point across.

When people are having mental difficulties they can forget or neglect how to interact with others in a fair way. It's totally shit for those on the receiving end of this bad behaviour. But it shouldn't reflect on them. You absorb some of it in order to help that person but there has to be a limit and boundaries.

Surely this must be a medical problem. It's not only that he's angry with you, it's that what he's saying makes no sense and indicates an altered perception of reality. There may well be a physical cause - a relative of was diagnosed with sudden onset dementia when it was low calcium levels. Terrible for you, OP. I agree that the first call should be the GP and do ring for emergency help if he flares up in a frightening way. All the best with this.

A PP mentioned encephalitis and that’s what I was thinking of as well.

Someone in DP’s extended family has experienced this and as it took hold, it did involve similar-sounding episodes, but the behaviour was sort of patchy and unpredictable. Very extreme and frightening.

@bogie

Crikey

His sister called me and after the call I suggested we could take the nephew with us that night to our DS' game.
He said 'yeah that's a good idea he has wanted to go for a while'

I then said 'which car shall we take?' And out of nowhere he started shouting (loud enough for all 20 people at the table to turn to us) 'we can't go in X car if we're all going!' (We could this was nonsense) then he called me a dickhead and said 'oh look at you showing off to your friends?!' Really bizarre as it was such a normal boring conversation? Also they are all our friends this wasn't a dinner I had dragged him to this is a normal thing each weekend if we have been skating. It was really awkward but I just kind of brushed it off and tried to lighten the mood. He was still having a few mutterings about things under his breath but we managed to make it home. Then he just blew up. He was manic, coat on, coat off, coat on, coat off, back and forth to the car 20 times all whilst screaming about me ruining everything and how he just wanted a nice day. I was staying super calm and trying to diffuse the situation but he was out of control, I asked him what I had done to upset him and he kept saying he 'couldn't remember but I knew what I had done' I asked him if he would like me to call his dad or his friend and he screamed 'no' right in my face.
I called my mum and he grabbed the phone from me screaming at her that I had fucked with his head he ran out onto the street saying he was going to kill himself then ran back inside. It was awful. The kids (including nephew who had been dropped as we arrived home) we're all there to hear it.
I don't know wether to try and speak to the kids about it but how can I explain to them until I know what's wrong.

OP This sounds really worrying. The manic back and forth, sudden shouting is very reminiscent of a friend’s sister who had a sudden mental breakdown. No cause was found for it just that she started like this, then started doing some risky stuff, running into traffic was one and threatening to jump off a multi story car park was another. I’m sorry, but it didn’t end well. Please do not leave the children with him. If he has being given anti depressants can you check he’s taking them?

@DoTheyKnowItsLemonJuice

A PP mentioned encephalitis and that’s what I was thinking of as well.

Someone in DP’s extended family has experienced this and as it took hold, it did involve similar-sounding episodes, but the behaviour was sort of patchy and unpredictable. Very extreme and frightening.

MY DH has had encephalitis, and the myriad effects of it include altered perception, e.g. thinking the dining chairs are broken because they're too low (not true), also in the early days a lot of paranoia. We had a very embarrassing visit to a dentist who he rudely accused of trying to rip him off. The brain is a complex organ and any number of conditions can set off odd behaviour. Definitely worth getting it checked out. Good luck.

I had a quiet, non-sweary older very straight-laced colleague once who nobody knew was diabetic. We were in a job with the public where swear words of any kind would probably get you sacked.
One day at lunchtime she went totally out of character, f-bombing angry at work and was completely unrecognisable. Somebody fortunately realised what it probably was, got her blood sugar back up and she was fine. Just a thought that occurred to me as I read through this.
Mini strokes (TIAs) can also cause odd behaviour, my late father had a few of those, but he went uncharacteristically quiet and bewildered until they passed. His consultant told us that sometimes people can apparently act completely the opposite. So sorry this is happening to you, very scary. Just make sure that you and your children are safe. X

How terrifying for you OP, and just goes to show how our identities can be surprisingly fragile. I hope you can get a diagnosis soon, and that it turns out to be something at the less sinister end of what seems to be a very broad spectrum of possible explanations.

He needs help and you need to be safe.

If he won't go on his own, contact his GP and tell them about the suicidal threats and the completely off the charts, out of character behaviour. You're worried for both his and your safety.

Contact his family as well. Hopefully, they can also insist he get help.

@bogie If your partner has been prescribed Venlafaxine either you or he needs to speak to his GP urgently. Sudden fits of aggression are a known side effect.

@deydododatdodontdeydo

I am really really glad I'm not married to some of you in this thread. I would like to think that if I had a serious health issue, DH would support me, not call me an abusive twat or accuse me of having an affair. A friend's DH is suffering from dementia at the moment. He's accusing her of having an affair, gets very angry with her but is fine with other people. It's delusional. He's very likely to die from it within the next few months. It's hard for her, but she's supporting him.

This a million times. Honestly there are some really shitty spouses on this thread. Whatever happened to 'in sickness and in health'?

My very sweet, late grandmother, in her twilight years, had 2-3 episodes where she got aggressive and violent. In all occasions it turned out to be a urine infection. Sudden, out-of-character outbursts indicate medical issues, not abusive personalities.

This is horrendous for you. Sounds like a serious medical issue. Could be over active thyroid, but this sounds extreme.
I would phone his GP, arrange for a phone call & explain exactly what has happened.
We had to do this a few years ago when a relative became suicidal.
The GP won’t be able to give details of any discussion between him/her & your husband due to confidentiality. However, if the situation worsens & you need immediate help, they will be aware of the facts.
I personally feel he is not safe to be around you or your children at the moment. Does he have any sibling or parent who could put him up?
Please be careful.

This a million times. Honestly there are some really shitty spouses on this thread. Whatever happened to 'in sickness and in health'?

Whatever happened to parental responsibility, & "protect your children from scary & volatile situations'?

The two concepts ate not mutually exclusive, @BellatricksStrange

The fact he couldn't remember what you'd done wrong but was convinced you had, that's worrying... And it's now been 5 days and you've not spoken at all? How has that worked in the house?

Time to step away from 'hurt offended spouse on the sofa not speaking' mode.

Time for action.

I am really really glad I'm not married to some of you in this thread.
I would like to think that if I had a serious health issue, DH would support me, not call me an abusive twat or accuse me of having an affair.

Except for, despite the many armchair diagnoses on this thread, we have no idea if OPs husband has a serious condition or not.

@SocialConnection

Time to step away from 'hurt offended spouse on the sofa not speaking' mode.

Time for action.

There was no need for this at all! OP is worried sick about her DH who is having a mental breakdown/psychotic episode and you're mocking her????

Hope all is well OP

@bogie I haven't read the whole thread and it is possible someone else has mentioned that your DP's behaviour is indicative of a brain tumour. If so, I second that, if not, please be advised of it.

Correction: "could be" indicative

@deydododatdodontdeydo,
In sickness and in health isn't always as clearcut as you think when you stand there making your vows. Once you are a parent you have a duty to protect your children when the other parent is a threat to their safety and wellbeing.

This sounds very similar to when a relative of mine had a psychotic episode. It was a very scary and worrying time for us all as we had no idea what was going on. They were sectioned and with the right medication, have been ok for the past 10 years.