I've slept on the sofa for the last 5 nights..

[bogie]

My DH had a breakdown, he never usually even raises his voice but out of nowhere he just started screaming really really hurtful things.He basically said his life is a mess and he wholly blames me. He can’t explain what I’ve done to upset him but he was screaming at me to fuck off and leave him with the kids. Nothing provoked this we were having a lovely day it was completely out of the blue.

I can’t shake what he said out of my head and I haven’t been able to speak to him about it because every time I even think about speaking to him I get so angry/upset that I know it’s pointless I will just start to cry. I haven’t spoken a word to him since Saturday.

I just don’t know what to do, I can’t just live on the sofa forever but we have 3 kids here and so many bills that I can’t afford to move out. I want him to be happy and after what he said I fee as though I’m causing him to be depressed.

He has been to the Dr and been prescribed anti depressants. (He didn’t tell me this just didn’t go to work and left his signed off work sheet on the table when he came into the house.) So I’m hoping they’ll help him but it’s not going to make me forget what he said and I don’t know if I’ll ever see him in the same way again.

I fee so lost, like for 20 years he has been pretending to be happy.
Any ideas?

Yes he could have a manic episode and then seemingly go back to normal.
I wound be giving him the benefit of the doubt for now and treating this as a medical thing. He needs help. Could be very severely depressed.
But you do need to talk to him

I hope you get the help you need.

Sorry this is happening to you and your family. Hand here for holding when you need it

That sounds horribly stressful and traumatic - how are the kids? You say he's talking normally to them, but what about them? Are they on eggshells around him or have they just somehow got past it?

I hope you can have a conversation with him, and find out what the fuck was going on in his head when he lashed out at you like that, in front of all your DC and your nephew. Because none of that is ok.

@bogie I hope you and your family get the help you need.
It is so difficult for you when you have been completely blindsided by this.
Surely the children have commented- how difficult and, let's be honest, embarrassing for them to witness his "meltdown"
Were they not concerned tor you ?
Are they just carrying on as if nothing has happened?

Thinking of you OP. Sounds like a psychotic episode/breakdown, or something medical like a brain tumour.

I agree with the others that suggest an ambulance when it happens again. Can anyone who witnessed his behaviour talk to him - get him to get a referral for a brain scan?

Obviously, we can't know what is causing this, but it's sensible to rule out the most dangerous things first. If he has another episode where he is threatening either you or to kill himself, then call 999 immediately. I'd agree with contacting his GP as well, they might not be getting the full picture from him.

This might be the build-up of pressure from a terrible secret, but you can only deal with that when you know it isn't something medical. Men do, of course, change when they are having affairs, but this is extreme and sudden. Don't try to deal with it yourself, this needs professional intervention, at least until it's clear what is at the bottom of it.

It might not be a case of turning it off and on at will. Mental health issues are extremely strange. I suffer from ptsd caused by the nhs. Certain things that happen in hospitals can totally remove me from reality but usually linked to the healthcare staff and situation. Eg if I think I’m getting poor care in hospital/they draw curtains round me,, they’re not listening, some hospital alarm goes off it will trigger an attack, no matter how Ill I am all the hormones etc of a fight of flight response will kick in and I will just leave (even if v ill or in pain, I get a temporary boost due to survival instinct to leave). The staff don’t like you doing this so chase you down, last time I ended up sat on the floor in a hospital unable to speak as the nurse prowled round me like a tiger (they really have no idea how to cope with such things£ as my freeze response kicked in. My husband and son appeared and basic instincts got me off the floor to get my son away and protect him, once the immediate threat of the tiger nurse left I was able to calm down v slowly (I have lots of mechanisms for this so took about 12 hours) previously I could be affected for days. It also likely I’ll dissociate -sometimes I’ll be standing behind myself watching this play out like a film. Generally, everyone is really shocked this is how I am because day to day I manage absolutely fine. But lose it over these very narrow triggers.

Somehow it appears the OP has acted as a trigger for some kind of psychotic episode (assuming no physical cause) or breakdown, it’s unlikely that it is the OP it more likely something the OP symbolises or something the DH had focused onto the OP.

This needs professional help asap. Mental health is far more complicated and broader than depression. It’s beyond a GP’s capabilities most of the time, the nhs has fuck all capacity to deal with it and the wider public are clueless. You need someone one your side as an advocate.

There is no point you going to GP to try to talk about his mental health , they won’t talk to you due to medical confidentiality

The GP wont be able to tell the OP about him but they will be able to go have a look at his notes afterwards make a note of her concerns and possibly arrange to make contact with him or refer him. And advise the OP on what to do if he has another such episode even if it's just "call an ambulance". The OP can also share her concerns about effects on the children, and what she and they should do if this keeps happening.

To get through it the OP needs to work on sources of support for herself and the children, as well as her husband. The GP is one of them.

Hope you get some help from the GP

Hi @bogie I just popped back in to find out how you are doing.

I hope the conversation with the GP goes well & some action takes place to find out what is going on with your husband takes place promptly.

‘ There is no point you going to GP to try to talk about his mental health , they won’t talk to you due to medical confidentiality’

Not the case.

The GP will not discuss the patient’s case without consent.
But the GP will listen to the carer & close family (friends as not every one has family) concerns & consider the information they have been given. Particularly if the concerns are about a patient’s mental health.

The puzzle pieces may not all fall into place first time, but communication has started.

Could he have banged his head while skating? Either way I echo everyone else who says it needs investigated. A super sudden change in temperament needs looked at.
Good luck with the GP today @bogie, please stay safe.

Talking to the GP is a good plan. My friend did and it got me into a ward and kept me safe.

OP, speaking to your GP to report the incident, and list your concerns is very very wise. I'd also speak to his family.
If H has another 'episode' (running around in the street, coat on/off, on/off, 'I had 'done something but he didn't know what') immediately call 999 & ask for an Ambulance & the Police. When a person is in an altered state they are not safe around others or themselves & need immediate intervention.

Such a difficult situation for you. It does sound very manic. How does he seem now behaviour wise ?

So sorry you and your family are going through this,hope you get the help you need quickly x

Ask about encephalitis just to rule it out. He will need an MRI and a lumbar puncture and possibly EEG if they suspect it.

He needs to get on antivirals asap if slim chance it is a brain infection so good you’re going to the drs.

I am on the fence about this. It's his behaviour afterwards that puzzles me.

A few years back my dad had a dissociative episode. He had a lot of things that he had bottled up and one day out of the blue it all came to a head. It was terrifying and it took a doctor administering an injection to calm him down. Our neurologist explained that some of the things he said were turning against my mum because that's what happens when a couple has been together for a long time. You usually turn against the one person you feel safe to do so.

Not sure if this helps at all but from experience I think it is possible to experience something like that and not have anything against the person you're taking it out on.

@bogie this sounds really scary and I'm sorry you are going through it.

A couple of things jump out at me:

• your kids and nephews were witness to this, what do they make of it?
• presumably your nephew will have told his parents, have they reached out to you to offer any support?
• has your mum helped at all, if she was on the phone and heard this going on she must be worried sick.

It does sound like a breakdown or potential brain injury if it is totally out of character. I find it odd that he wasn't spoken to you at all though, what's that about? Even if he doesn't remember the episode, he must wonder why you are sleeping on the sofa and not talking to him.

I really think you need to have a conversation with him about this, preferably with his sister or your mum in the house in case he blows up again. Good luck, let us know how you get on.

Can you speak to his Sister and his friends to see if there have been any other odd episodes ? They may have written them off as one off's but it would help to build a bigger picture of what has been happening in the lead up to the event you describe.

I personally wouldn't talk to him without someone else there present to witness what he says and does. He may also deny or minimise what has happened, if he is really unwell he may not be able to remember it acurately.

Good luck speaking to the GP, they may have been given an entirely different scenario to the one that happened or it might not have been mentioned at all.

@Hungry625f

Hmm...sorry you're going through this OP but honestly it sounds like he is being an inconsiderate, abusive twat.

No one deserves to be spoken to like that.

I've had a crippling, very sudden breakdown and whilst it was horrible for me and DH, I never once became abusive.

How does he speak to the kids? If he is able to communicate normally with them? If so, then he can control how he speaks to you, he is just choosing not to

If the tables were turned an it was the women have a mental breakdown I'm sure you wouldn't call her a twat. I think he needs some medical help and soon, if this is out of character then he needs a bit of empathy and someone to keep a close eye on him. Let's not forget that male suicide rates are exceptionally high.

[quote JustKittenAround]@KurtWilde it is not uncommon in someone desperate to hide something to display such behavior

Mania doesn’t really fit.

Either way. OP should call authorities. But if it’s anything like America, they can’t make a man get help unless he is VERY bad off.

Still betting he’s hiding something. Very odd how he flipped out at first and OP became the focus of abuse on a regular nice day…[/quote]
Having had an episode like OPs husband and absolutely NIOT because I was hiding something, I find the idea of being suspicious about an affair/debt over taking someone's manic episode seriously bloody offensive. It absolutely DOES fit mania.

Thankfully OP is taking is seriously and cares enough about her husband to want to help him rather than throw accusations at him.

I am really really glad I'm not married to some of you in this thread.
I would like to think that if I had a serious health issue, DH would support me, not call me an abusive twat or accuse me of having an affair.
A friend's DH is suffering from dementia at the moment. He's accusing her of having an affair, gets very angry with her but is fine with other people. It's delusional. He's very likely to die from it within the next few months.
It's hard for her, but she's supporting him.

Could be massive debt/affair/lost job, something that made him flip and blame you to avoid acknowledging.
But this complete change of behaviour towards sounds very similar to my father who had a breakdown followed by extreme depression, diagnosed bipolar. This was back in the day, never fully acknowledged or dealt with, he stopped taking his meds, and the whole thing fcked up the marriage and our family forever, as it continued until he died. He and my mother were determined that no one know, attributed it to him having issues with specific people, when it was clearly his behaviour causing it, which was an utter disaster of a strategy.
Your husband needs to be properly diagnosed and treated. If the behaviour is really extreme and you suspect a psychotic episode you may be able to get him sectioned, with a view to forcing him to have treatment.
Also, there is only so much a marriage can take, especially if there are kids involved. Your priority is you and the kids. Don't let it fck them up. Get them and you out of there.