I've slept on the sofa for the last 5 nights..

[bogie]

My DH had a breakdown, he never usually even raises his voice but out of nowhere he just started screaming really really hurtful things.He basically said his life is a mess and he wholly blames me. He can’t explain what I’ve done to upset him but he was screaming at me to fuck off and leave him with the kids. Nothing provoked this we were having a lovely day it was completely out of the blue.

I can’t shake what he said out of my head and I haven’t been able to speak to him about it because every time I even think about speaking to him I get so angry/upset that I know it’s pointless I will just start to cry. I haven’t spoken a word to him since Saturday.

I just don’t know what to do, I can’t just live on the sofa forever but we have 3 kids here and so many bills that I can’t afford to move out. I want him to be happy and after what he said I fee as though I’m causing him to be depressed.

He has been to the Dr and been prescribed anti depressants. (He didn’t tell me this just didn’t go to work and left his signed off work sheet on the table when he came into the house.) So I’m hoping they’ll help him but it’s not going to make me forget what he said and I don’t know if I’ll ever see him in the same way again.

I fee so lost, like for 20 years he has been pretending to be happy.
Any ideas?

The GP cant discuss your H with you but must listen to your concerns & note them. If you sense this isn't the case (GPs are very variable) then you could mention 'safeguarding' if you are sufficiently concerned. In your shoes, given what you have stated here, I probably would be. You may not get any clarity from H (it may actually be better not to 'speak to him' until you have support around you) but GP then Hs family are wise. I'd also speak to your kids. They must be worried, poss quite frightened. Reassure them, and try to get support for you ALL. Good luck with today x

If it is a manic episode, the safety of your DH, yourself and kids is paramount. I hope you get help and answers soon OP. Hand hold from me.

OP I haven’t read all the thread but wanted to quickly come on and say I have had similar experiences with my DP. Things are very much still being worked on here but i came across ‘Intermittent Explosive Disorder’ only the other day and it ticks a lot of the boxes in terms of how he presents. There’s more info about it in the link.

www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/intermittent-explosive-disorder

I’m sending - I’ve also spent many nights on the sofa. Still trying to get my head round it, am uncertain for the future bur trying to keep very open communication with DP about it all X

How are you and the children today?

My response:

You need a supportive team around you.

Your parents, his parents and your nephew's parents - they will all know this is happening and I hope they rally round.

A formal atmosphere of a family confence could help you feel more in control.

Your GP - the first thing is to address any health issue. People have mentioned all kinds of frightening possibilities - schizophrenia, brain tumour, thyroid, etc etc, and I understand diabetes and other chemical imbalances can massively affect personality and behaviour. This must be investigated now. Hopefully the parental support team will present a united front with you.

The police - give them a full report asap of what happened, when and how and the effect on you and the children. If it happens again, call 999. The fact there is a record will help.

There is also a suggestion that something else lies beneath it all - guilt, fear, intolerable pressures, perhaps financial, work related or an affair... This is all possible too.

But the support from family and police, and investigation into possible urgent medical aspects must come first, as safety for the children, for you and for your husband too are a priority. Once that's steadied, then start to dig deeper.

All the best.

OP he needs you , this is not a time to avoid him. Good idea to talk to gp. Tell them about the complete personality change. A friend’s DP had similar, started saying really sexual things to their grown up daughter. It was a brain tumour.

I hope the GO can be if use, thinking of you OP.

OP

My mothers aunt has been diagnosed with a brain tumour.

Lovely lady. Highly educated, well spoken, well travelled, very kind - she started effing and blinding at her family one day out of the blue and stormed out of the house. So out of character family pushed for brain scan.

She absolutely WAS swinging between 'normal' and 'nasty'.

I wish you all the best.

I'm really sorry OP but if he's managing to speak with the children without a problem, then I think it's less likely to be a mental health or neurological disorder. I would look at the potential for some one else to be in the picture. I think he's having a breakdown because his head has been turned or he is having an affair.

Needs to see a doctor.

This is so concerning OP, I hope a chat to his GP can help!

This does sound hard and really out of character from what you have said. My DP went on anti depressants earlier this year and before he did he was really struggling and said things then that he has since said he did not mean. Not directed at me but things like he had always felt like this and had considered nit wanting to be here anymore no point to life etc. Once he was stabilised on the anti depressants he has been able to reflect with a therapist and realise these feelings were all consuming but were about how he felt at that moment and not how he had actually always felt over the last 15 years or so. Your kids are older they will be worried dont shut them out speak to them hear their fears and then you need boundaries. A tough conversation to be had with him that if he behaves like that again in front of them he leaves no argument. You will help him and do everything you can but only if he agreed to that. If not he goes to his parents or somewhere else and you choose if you still continue to help or not.

When I read your first post I, like others, assumed it was The Script and he was having an affair. Lots of men turn nasty and start being awful to their long-term partner because the OW is shiny and new and exciting in comparison.

However, I read your update and said out loud, "that sounds like a psychotic break". He sounds deeply unwell, whether from a physical illness like an infection or a tumour, or from a reaction to a medication. When I was 20 I was erratic, unreasonable, constantly spoiling for a fight, paranoid and suffering from suicidal thoughts - all due to the contraceptive implant. My behaviour toward my then-boyfriend was shocking and he ended our three year relationship. Medical issues can make someone unrecognisable and he needs to see a doctor.

I understand what people are saying about how he can be nice to the children but mental health is so complex. No matter what, nobody runs screaming into the street if they are well.

And he did all those things in front of friends and his child too.

How old is he? Sounds very much like dementia to me. This is how it started with my Dad. A sudden change in temperament, claims he hated his wife the whole time, she ruined his life etc. Was put on antidepressants, eventually diagnosed with dementia years later after a suicide attempt.

I am so sorry about the shocking fright you have had OP.

When you say you don't want to force him out of the house - remember how terrified all the kids must have been when he -

And out of nowhere he started shouting (loud enough for all 20 people at the table to turn to us) 'we can't go in X car if we're all going!' (We could this was nonsense) then he called me a dickhead and said 'oh look at you showing off to your friends?!' Really bizarre as it was such a normal boring conversation? Also they are all our friends this wasn't a dinner I had dragged him to this is a normal thing each weekend if we have been skating. It was really awkward but I just kind of brushed it off and tried to lighten the mood. He was still having a few mutterings about things under his breath but we managed to make it home. Then he just blew up. He was manic, coat on, coat off, coat on, coat off, back and forth to the car 20 times all whilst screaming about me ruining everything and how he just wanted a nice day. I was staying super calm and trying to diffuse the situation but he was out of control, I asked him what I had done to upset him and he kept saying he 'couldn't remember but I knew what I had done' I asked him if he would like me to call his dad or his friend and he screamed 'no' right in my face.
I called my mum and he grabbed the phone from me screaming at her that I had fucked with his head he ran out onto the street saying he was going to kill himself then ran back inside. It was awful. The kids (including nephew who had been dropped as we arrived home) we're all there to hear it.

You must take steps to ensure they don't witness behaviur like this again.
Going to the GP is a good first step - well done. Make sure the GP is aware of everything that happened - show them that post if you start to feel wobbly & find it hard to talk.

They will be able to advise you about what next steps you can take.
Also, please contact Women's Aid.

You & the kids cannot live a home life of waiting for him to explode again. Whether this is a medical issue, or him having a MH crisis, or he's just being an abusive bastard makes no odds at all at this stage.
Get some advice, & don't sweep this under the carpet.

It sounds as though he is having a mental breakdown and/or a psychotic episode. Please ensure he gets the professional help he needs as it sounds as though he can't get this for himself.

A friend's ex-husband had a similar episode during lockdown #1.

He then committed suicide.

I'm not saying this to frighten you, but for everyone saying 'Oh he's a selfish wanker' it really sounds as though there are mental health issues going on here.

But he needs professional help.

@Keepitonthedownlow

Because it's uncharacteristic he might be lashing out because he is genuinely unwell. This must be a very challenging time for you. If he is clinically depressed he won't be thinking straight or thinking what his behaviour is having on you. Is there anywhere he can go to stay for a bit with his parents perhaps? Good luck

This is what I thought. If out of character he might be ill.

Try not to be hurt or repelled @bogie. From what you have said over this thread, he sounds ill rather than scheming/concealing secret feelings or a secret life.

His behaviour has suddenly changed
The shouting and being dramatic in front of friends (and children) when he is usually quietly spoken (and you are not used to him being angry).

He has some insight on this
He recognises that he is feeling different and has gone to the GP ...about depression. I doubt he told the GP all that you have told us though.

It looks as if his sense of reality has shifted and he has no insight on that:

-thinking your other car has less seating than it does.: 'we can't go in X car if we're all going!'

-misunderstanding something about the conversation or your behaviour ' oh look at you showing off to your friends?!' Your more objective view was of a 'normal boring conversation'.

-feeling you have wronged him and that he is right to be furious with you even though he can't remember what you did. (Why isn't he questioning his own reaction to something he can't remember?)

The focus on you doesn't mean that he never loved you or has been unhappy for years. It might just be part of the confused reality he has slipped into. He is, as they say, beside himself.

I'm glad you are going to get medical advice. You need safety advice for you and the children too.

Thinking of you OP.

@KurtWilde

Some of the 'advice' on this thread is actually bonkers. Check his phone? Check his bank? Tell him to reflect on his behaviour?

The man has had a mental breakdown of some sort. He'll be absolutely terrified and trying to function normally for the kids. He's not communicating with OP because he's got it fixed in his head that she's 'done' something but he has no idea what because it isn't anything. People who are going through this kind of thing often have no idea why they're being like they are.

Unfortunately, the horse has bolted for any kind of instant intervention. That should've happened when he was acting manic. The ambulance backed up by police. He'd have been taken to hospital and assessed, possibly sectioned for 28 days to get to the bottom of it, start him on medication and give it chance to start working before releasing him.

As it stands, he's appearing to be 'back to normal' but he obviously isn't. You do need to address this with your DC, OP. To act like it never happened isn't healthy. As for what can be done re. intervention, all I can say is if he has another outburst you do need to call both ambulance and ask for police assistance.

Absolutely agree with this, all those saying it can't be psychotic or delusional are obviously not aware that even really unwell people can hold it together for periods of time.

Your GP needs to be made aware of this as they are the gateway to any investigations which may be required. And if this happens again call the police and speak with your children meantime who must be feeling quite worried too.

Speaking from experience, I think that living with guilt over a period of time can produce this type of behaviour. It could also be a sign of a brain injury or condition. I also think that it could be a combination of guilt and brain injury or condition, i.e. it doesn't have to be either/or - that might be a red herring.

I went through a similar episode to the one described in the OP with my exH. He reacted OTT and told me to fuck off.

I then found out later on that he had visited escorts over a period of about 3 years, and had then stopped. He had lived with this knowledge for a few years after the event, presumably felt guilty and repressed it. It's all too easy to write him off as a bastard - which I did - but this period also coincided with him suffering from a brain condition from which he has since recovered. He is adamant that he had not visited escorts at all after his recovery. He also seems at a loss to explain his behaviour prior to that. It appears to make no sense to him.

I suppose the point I am making is to keep an open mind to the possible reasons for his unusual behaviour, and that it might be more than one reason. We have all heard about people experiencing strange symptoms from long covid - it could be something like this that we don't yet fully understand?

Do not under any circumstances leave him alone with the kids
If he blows up again call 999 and get him sectioned. He is a danger to himself , everyone around him
He sleeps on the sofa not you

It does not seem normal OP. Has he been taken any medicine that could have provoked the manic attack?

A friend of mine was taken an antibiotic for pneumonia with some other medicines and she got a manic attack, her family was very scared.

Speak to his family and see if they can get him to get a full medical assessment or take him to hospital.

I used to work with a woman that suddenly started having paranoia. In a coffee break she accused another coworker suddenly of "watching her and reporting to 'them'". A few weeks later she was convinced one of her other coworkers broke in the office the previous weekend and deleted all excel formula in all her excel sheets. It took another couple of months until she was diagnosed. Because for her, everything was real, and she didn't show any of this behaviour with her son or immediate family.