How much DOES sex actually matter in a LTR?

[Tailsandsnails]

Does it matter and would you really end things if there were no sex but children involved?
My husband and I do not have sex, it’s now been 6 years - nearly 7 - it is unlikely to change.
But with three children how much does this matter?
Would you really leave in these circumstances?

It matters a lot to the person who is missing it, the person who doesn’t miss sex is perfectly happy as they everything they want

It mattered to me. Not enough to leave, but undermined our sense of connection so I had little bond in the shit times.

• so then I left

We if both people are happy with the situation then it doesn't matter.

It would matter to me as well
Sex is what makes it a relationship not just a friendship imo

I would, but then for me sex is usually a barometer of the relationship generally. If I dont want it its usually because the rest has broken down. If they didn't want it and I did, that would drive me mad after a while.

How old are you and your DH?

I’m 36. DH is 42.

Yes it does matter if either partner is unhappy. How did you come to not have sex for 7 years? Was it one partner’s decision or just something you fell into?

We fell into it and we don’t discuss it.

Sex is meaningless to me.
Don’t want it at all.
My dream is to find a person who can love without sex.

Can you start by discussing it? How do you think he would react if you raised it (in a non blaming way)? How is your relationship generally?

From a man's perspective I would say that sex is very important. It's hard to stay angry with someone who gives you a good time sexually and for me the moment of maximum closeness and connection to my DW comes when we have sex. It often said that men need sex to feel loved and women need to feel loved to have sex, the former is certainly true for me.

The lack of sex will eventually have a negative impact, unless neither of you want sex.

Dh and I have been through a dry spell where, we both wanted sex, but neither initiated (him because he didn't feel good in himself and me because I hated my post baby body)

Sound totally silly, but now we sometimes just say "fancy having sex?" Especially if it's been a while since we last did it. It takes the spontaneity out, but it also takes the awkwardness out if either of us is having a bad self image day.

It would matter to me. I wouldn't just up and leave. I would try and get to the bottom of it, talk, councilling ect. If it didn't resolve then yes, I would more than likely leave. Sex imo is part of the relationship with my husband that defines it apart from other relationships but if it was sexless we may as well separate and remain friends and be able to co-parent. However their are people who are happy like this, if both people happy then yes, it would be fine.

We fell into it and we don’t discuss it

If it bothers you, I'd start discussing it . You are both young , and unless there is some physical problem , you've just got into a habit . And habits can be changed, if you both want to. But if you never even speak about it, nothing will change.

Wait until the kids are away / asleep and broach the subject. It can't be all that hard - you're married and have been through all sorts of things over the years. This can and should be spoken about !

We’ve been married over 40 years. So lucky to still both enjoy sex.
I cannot imagine a life without physical intimacy.

It doesn't matter at all if you're both happy without it and - shock announcement - some men have a low sex drive, some find their sex drive decreases with age and some are even asexual. People assume that because sex is very important to them in a relationship that it must be very important to the rest of the world too, they seem to find it impossible to understand that others feel differently.

The problem to me though would be that you haven't discussed it and you don't know how he feels about the situation and he doesn't know how you feel. If you can have sex with him why can you not discuss sex with him?

Sex is really important to me. I use it to decompress as well as a point of connection. The fact that you don't talk about it is a huge red flag as far as I'm concerned. My ex and I didn't talk about it and I think that was about not feeling able to say what I wanted in my case and also feelings of rejection. Contributed massively to unhappiness in our relationship and overall lack of satisfaction. We had 3 children.

Same here and similar ages. It tortures me every day.

I feel like it matters to me but I cannot imagine ever having sex with DH again. I just don’t see him in that way anymore.

It matters as much as it matters to the people involved.

What matters is not the amount of sex (or any sex), it's is this what both people want

If so, it's fine.
If not, it's not.

@Tailsandsnails

I feel like it matters to me but I cannot imagine ever having sex with DH again. I just don’t see him in that way anymore.

Might be a bit of chicken and egg here- you don’t see him sexually because you’re not having sex with him.

You need to talk about it. If you're on the same page then great.
But you should at least know.

Are things ok? Do you spend time together? Enjoy chatting? Have a laugh with each other?

I think it does matter as it brings a connection and distinguishes it from a friendship. I've been through periods in our relationship where I haven't wanted it at all or enjoyed it much but I think that's normal, years without and not discussing the reasons isn't. I would start with talking about it.