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Original poster

How much DOES sex actually matter in a LTR?

178 replies

Tailsandsnails · 25/01/2022 07:08

Does it matter and would you really end things if there were no sex but children involved?
My husband and I do not have sex, it’s now been 6 years - nearly 7 - it is unlikely to change.
But with three children how much does this matter?
Would you really leave in these circumstances?

OP posts:
SunshineInMyTea · 25/01/2022 09:08

I can’t imagine ever getting into a relationship where I’d had to have sex.
I do know I’m minority, but I find sex absolute repulsive.
And I wouldn’t be with someone who forces me to have it.

OuchWhatWasThat · 25/01/2022 09:14

I’ve been in relation

sofato5miles · 25/01/2022 09:16

My exH and i had little or no sexual attraction and we soldiered as there are many other facets to a marriage
However by the time our youngeat was 7, we were both done as everything had eroded. It has taken three years post split but we are both on very good terms now and happy. Also, i discovered that i hadn't lost my sex drive and am now with someone i am very much more sexually compatible with and emotionally. No regrets about my marriage but i am definitely happier now i have left it.

The children are settled and we co-parent easily and live close to each other doing 50/50. We even socialise with the kids. It has not always been smooth sailing but it is now.

Candyfloss99 · 25/01/2022 09:17

It matters a lot. Without it you are just friends which is sad. You deserve more.

OuchWhatWasThat · 25/01/2022 09:18

Let’s try again….

I’ve been in relationships with no sex.
And they were far from being ”just housemates” or ”only friends”.
And they ended for other reasons, not because of lack of sex.

Really sad for peope who’s relationhips only depends on sex.
Maybe that it explains why so many of them are miserable.

At the end of day sex doesn’t mean anything.

BoodleBug51 · 25/01/2022 09:20

DH has got multiple issues that means medication for ED isn't viable. I'm 51, and feel very depressed that my sex life is over. He's not happy either, but there's nothing we can do. It's massively affected our closeness and how we see each other.

But I couldn't leave over it, it seems so small a thing in terms of the family we've created.

Freddy12 · 25/01/2022 09:22

For us it is very important and reconnects us we both have high sex drives (always have had) so for us we cannot see us not having sex for more than a day or so ever I am 57 Mrs F 62 together 13 years it just gets better

Lack of sex was the reason my previous marriage failed …

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 25/01/2022 09:24

Deal breaker for me.

BlondeDogLady · 25/01/2022 09:25

At the end of day sex doesn’t mean anything

To you maybe! But to many people it means an awful lot. I miss it so much, I often cry about it.

The person with the non existent sex drive always "wins". The person who wants sex and mentions it, is always viewed as a pest or some such. FFS, it's in the wedding vows. I'm often so angry about being forced to be celibate, that I feel as though I could punch a wall. It's no fun whatsoever. It's like I'm being punished for something. What? Wanting sex with my husband. Jeez, I'm such a bitch!

BlondeDogLady · 25/01/2022 09:26

For us it is very important and reconnects us we both have high sex drives (always have had) so for us we cannot see us not having sex for more than a day or so ever I am 57 Mrs F 62 together 13 years it just gets better

This made me well up, I am SO jealous.

Pky45 · 25/01/2022 09:27

@BlondeDogLady

Following with interest. I'm 52 and DH is 49. We had sex 8 times last year, all instigated by me. We haven't had sex since November. He finds any excuse not to do it. Had a huge blow out last night, as we were in bed early, so I tried, but he was too tired. I ended up crying with frustration. I've no idea where we go from here. I don't want sex with anyone else. Everything else in our relationship is almost perfect. He just has no sex drive. I'm getting resentful and angry, more so as each day passes. He always has an excuse. Previously, it was that we drank too much. Now we've reduced that dramatically, the excuse is that he's tired because he's on a course. Next week, it will be because he's starting a new job. He may as well say it's because there's a Y in the day of the week. He's handsome and other women fancy him. I feel like saying "if only you knew".
I could have written this, but I’m the man who wants sex and my wife is not interested anymore, I think the relationship is going to over soon.
AngelinaFibres · 25/01/2022 09:28

Ýou are both young. It still matters to you, so it matters within the marriage. You must talk about it or you will always be in this position. It is easy to slide into being mum and dad, rather than people who actively fancy each other. You say you can't imagine ever having sex with him ever again.Is that because you have both put how you present yourselves to each other on the back burner? It's so easy at weekends to just grab any old thing and get on with doing things with the children. You are a lovely, happy family but the things that make you a couple have slipped away. It's not just clothes , in the early stages of a relationship you would fancy the person you fancy if they were wearing a bin bag, but outward stuff is important subconsciously once the first flush is gone. Time moves on and children come along and it is easy to turn into the couples who have become a bit saggy and baggy, who wear matching anoraks and call each other mummy and daddy , even when the children aren't around . Lots of couples do that and lots of couples are blissfully happywith that, but you are not. The only way to change things is to communicate honestly and kindly how you feel. You may well find that he feels the same and loves you but doesn't think of you sexually anymore either. Once you know how you both feel you can make a plan. Couples counselling might be a good place to go to help you both get back to seeing each other as individuals who aren't just parents .

TheLazyBeagle · 25/01/2022 09:29

@OuchWhatWasThat

Let’s try again….

I’ve been in relationships with no sex.
And they were far from being ”just housemates” or ”only friends”.
And they ended for other reasons, not because of lack of sex.

Really sad for peope who’s relationhips only depends on sex.
Maybe that it explains why so many of them are miserable.

At the end of day sex doesn’t mean anything.

My relationship doesn’t only depend on sex, but it’s part of it. And we’re not miserable, far from it. Completely happy together after 15 years and 3 kids, and still massively enjoying the sex part.
Sartre · 25/01/2022 09:31

It matters if either party values a sexual relationship and wants one. If both are happy not having sex then it’s fine but I suspect there’s usually one party unhappy with this set up.

ElectraBlue · 25/01/2022 09:33

If you are both happy with a sexless marriage then it does not matter.

If one of you is not then it is an issue.

It is quite strange to me that you have not spoken about this for 7 years...

Also there is the risk that your husband or yourself will eventually meet someone else and find their libido again and will then leave the marriage.

I would at least speak to him to try to understand why this is happening.

Pky45 · 25/01/2022 09:33

@BlondeDogLady
The person with the non existent sex drive always "wins". The person who wants sex and mentions it, is always viewed as a pest or some such. FFS, it's in the wedding vows. I'm often so angry about being forced to be celibate, that I feel as though I could punch a wall. It's no fun whatsoever. It's like I'm being punished for something. What? Wanting sex with my husband. Jeez, I'm such a bitch!

I could have written this, swap the husband for wife and it’s all true.

KevinTheKoala · 25/01/2022 09:36

It is very important, both me and my partner have gone through spells of not wanting sex (usually relating to stress/mental/physical illness) that have lasted a few months maximum and it does put alot of strain on the relationship. I will push through and just have sex because it's easier than dealing with the fall out - I know that's not the way to go about things and I don't suggest anyone does something they don't want too - but even then he can tell I don't like it and that also makes him angry. I think if it has been this long and you can't see an end to this feeling or a solution then the fairest thing to do is end it.

And genuinley no, I would not stay together for the children if that is the only thing keeping you there, they are more damaged by witnessing a strained, unloving, cold relationship between their parents than they are witnessing their parents successfully co-parenting separatley (perhaps with happy partners further down the line).

TheLazyBeagle · 25/01/2022 09:37

Of course the person with no sex drive ‘wins’, as there’s a word for forcing people to have sex they don’t want.
The only real solution to the issue of one person wanting a sexual relationship when the other doesn’t is to split.

gamerchick · 25/01/2022 09:38

Deal breaker for me. I'm not backwards in coming forwards in talking about it though. If my husband was of the thought that it wouldn't be happening.again we would have a conversation about opening up the relationship or splitting up.

But I'm not you. If it's bothering you enough to post on here then maybe you should have a chat with husbands.

MermaidEyes · 25/01/2022 09:39

@Tailsandsnails

We fell into it and we don’t discuss it.

You sound like a colleague of mine. 20 years later, the kids are all grown up and they're currently in the middle of a very acrimonious divorce. They just "fell into it" and never discussed it. For years. Until she met someone else and realised what she'd been missing all these years. Do you think your husband misses sex? How would you feel if he suddenly met someone he was incredibly attracted to and wanted to have sex with?

DoItAfraid · 25/01/2022 09:56

@BlondeDogLady

For us it is very important and reconnects us we both have high sex drives (always have had) so for us we cannot see us not having sex for more than a day or so ever I am 57 Mrs F 62 together 13 years it just gets better

This made me well up, I am SO jealous.

@BlondeDogLady Flowers
housemaus · 25/01/2022 10:00

It matters very much to me, and I wouldn't stay in a relationship in those circumstances.

However, it's completely individual: does it matter to you & DH? The lack of communication is the bigger issue, here.

FirstTimeMum6666 · 25/01/2022 10:04

How have none of you mentioned this in 7 years? Does it not matter to you or him? I know if I don't have sex with my partner who I have been with for over 8 years I feel distant from him. As soon as we have sex I feel in love with him again and we can't keep pur hands off each other. Everyone I different though but you got to say something to make sure he's not bothered by this. Unfortunately he is a man and will look elsewhere and if another woman offers it on a plate he will accept.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 25/01/2022 10:13

It matters to me. I think it's circumstantial as to whether I'd leave but if I didn't I'd expect them to be OK with me getting it elsewhere. Due to childhood experiences and previous trauma I don't do emotional connections that well.

Plus my parents stayed together for me (well Dad said he'd go for full custody if she left, we were abroad and she was afraid he'd win so she stayed) and it was hellish for everyone involved. Definitely made me need therapy.

housemaus · 25/01/2022 10:17

@OuchWhatWasThat

Let’s try again….

I’ve been in relationships with no sex.
And they were far from being ”just housemates” or ”only friends”.
And they ended for other reasons, not because of lack of sex.

Really sad for peope who’s relationhips only depends on sex.
Maybe that it explains why so many of them are miserable.

At the end of day sex doesn’t mean anything.

It doesn't mean anything to you.

For lots of people it's something they do to share a unique physical connection with their partner, foster intimacy and give/receive pleasure. That's not meaningless, nor is it 'sad' that people in a long-term relationship still make that an important part of their lives together.

I'm not judging you - it's your right not to see sex as important. But it clearly, obviously is to many, many people. Sex within a marriage is seen as sacred and important in most world religions. Some prisons have conjugal visits specially just for partners to have sex. Studies regularly show that regular, good sex is a key indicator of happiness in a marriage. Preliminary studies have shown that regular sex can help preserve memory function in over 50s. We are, biologically, wired to want sex.

That's not meaningless. It's been an expression of love and closeness and desire and intimacy to some extent since modern humans evolved. And sometimes people don't want to do it and that's absolutely fine. Sometimes people don't feel that way about it, and that's absolutely fine too. But don't try and diminish it to make other people appear 'sad' and 'miserable' because you don't get it.