Page 6 | How much DOES sex actually matter in a LTR?

Tailsandsnails · 2022-01-25T07:08:00+00:00

Does it matter and would you really end things if there were no sex but children involved? My husband and I do not have sex, it’s now been 6 years - nearly 7 - it is unlikely to change. But with three children how much does this matter? Would you really leave in these circumstances?

sofato5miles · 25/01/2022 15:28

Our intimacy outside sex is lovely. Laughing, talking, openness, affection, working towards common goals but the sex is definitely the glue. The physical pleasure that we give to each other and share is genuinely intense and lovely. It heightens the feeling of love and connection to each other, body and soul. I am so glad i left my sexless marriage and was then lucky enough to find it. It was most unexpected.

bubblesbubbles11 · 25/01/2022 15:44

genuinely curious.
To those on this thread (both women and men) who say their partner does not have sex with them as often as they want them to (or their partner didn't used to and now both they and their partner have "given up" for whatever reason)

how do you know (for certain) that your partner is not having sex with someone else (hence lack of desire for you)? Or at the very least how are you absolutely certain your partner does not have an addiction to porn or is using sexual services elsewhere etc?

There is often something which sounds like being an acomplice or accessory in a sexless marriage.

Of course it is possible to be happily married with no sex for a long time. But at the very least sexless marriages leave the door open for one of the partnership who happens to miss sex more than the other one to one day bump into someone new unexpectedly with whom they find they have that (long lost) chemistry. And if they follow through on that chemistry then they also find intimacy develops.

Shunter350 · 25/01/2022 15:44

Sex for me is the emotional bonding between me and my partner. The touching, kissing, cuddling ( I love cuddling in bed. It's warm and affectionate..) little giggles and all the rest of it makes me feel part of the relationship.
I endured 20 years of not having this. There was no bond, however my wife felt differently, she couldn't bothered ( as she said ) so I left.
Two kids in their twenties were upset by I was miserable and felt adrift.
I'm now seeing a lovely lady who has reminded me how wonderful sex can be when it's warm, affectionate and a bit giggly..
Ultimately we all have different sexual needs and emotions.

Momijin · 25/01/2022 15:50

If I feel dissatisfied in my relationship then I lose my desire for sex. Also when you spend all day with kids and everyone requires your attention then you just want some peace and to be left alone.

But I also think that with sex if you don't use it you lose it and it becomes this big thing. I also think that many women don't reach orgasm through their partners. Because of lack of communication and understanding and therefore once the initial lust has gone, what's the point?

Personally, sex for me starts long before we reach the bedroom. If I haven't had connection and affection and closeness and intimacy in the day, then don't expect me to feel horny at night. Which is what my exes complained about. At the beginning of our relationship, when we spent hours talking together and were really close etc then of course I wanted to get even closer in the bedroom. But later, if they hadn't pulled their weight at home or spent time chatting to me etc then that's why I felt differently.

BABAHOTEL · 25/01/2022 15:55

To me, it means a lot.

But it is horses for courses!

Pyewhacket · 25/01/2022 16:01

If you are both happy with no sexual contact then it’s entirely your business. Trouble comes when one party is hot and the other is not. Personally I get very grumpy if I don’t get a good seeing-to on a regular basis. But each to their own. If you are both happy then rock on.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 25/01/2022 16:27

The menopause has seriously damaged my ability to have sex thanks to the joy of vaginal atrophy. PIV is out of the question as even though I am on topical oestrogen & HRT, my vagina is still too sore for penetration. My DH and I have to make an extra effort to be intimate and he’s been brilliant. Ironically I used to have a much higher sex drive than him and he was the one who was less keen

However you are way of the menopause and physical factors affecting your ability to have sex

As PP it all depends on the person

NeptuneNetty · 25/01/2022 16:39

@BlondeDogLady I commented on one of your posts earlier about potentially finding desire elsewhere at some point in future, due to constant sexual rejection by my husband of many years.

Well I just finished a work call with someone who advises my company on deals. We just spoke for the first time in a month and he added into the conversation that he’s just split with his wife and he’s just completed on a new pad for just himself. We’re supposed to be meeting for lunch towards to the end of next month to celebrate the end of a particular deal. And now I’m thinking I need to lose 7kg and do a body scrub and get my hair done 😂

This is what happens when one partner is neglected or rejected!! Eventually there will be desire elsewhere.

I’ve kind of freaked myself out. I’m teetering on the edge of “hmmm interesting” to “oh fuck, this isn’t a door I should open”.

I’ll likely do nothing untoward, but I do find this guy attractive. He’s very clever, has lovely twinkly eyes and I just like how in charge he is 🙈 I’m on the client side. I could stop engaging, but I’m not sure I want to. Anyway, it has disaster written all over it!! Thought I’d share, as the timing is uncanny.

I need a g&t now to process this.

CupOfNiceTea · 25/01/2022 16:44

@TheLazyBeagle

Yes, I know.
I don’t need your approval.

TheLazyBeagle · 25/01/2022 16:45

[quote CupOfNiceTea]@TheLazyBeagle

Yes, I know.
I don’t need your approval.[/quote]
I wasn’t giving it. You seem to have taken offence to me saying I like sex and it’s important to me. I’m sorry for that. You can shag whoever you want (or not).

SpinsForGin · 25/01/2022 16:48

Sex is shallow.

It doesn't have to be.
It means a great deal to me and is a very important part of my relationship with my DH. It always has been.

Agadorsparticus · 25/01/2022 16:49

I don't have a high drive but I couldn't be completely without it.

If both of you are happy with this arrangement then fine.

Sunnytwobridges · 25/01/2022 16:54

@Staryflight445

So since sex doesn’t mean anything to some of you, you’d be happy for your partner to have sex with someone else then? You know, cause it doesn’t mean anything?

I wouldn't have a problem with it. Actually me and my ex discussed this and I we had an agreement that he could seek sex outside of the relationship. But there couldn't be any extensive phone convos, dates, or any couple-y things which to me is more important and bonding. I was actually happy that would be one less burden for me to deal with.

CupOfNiceTea · 25/01/2022 16:55

@TheLazyBeagle

You came off really condescending and dismissive.
I didn’t put any thought on your sex life, I’m only reffering what you said to me personally.

HowIMetYourDog · 25/01/2022 16:55

After being in a relationship that became sexless, I would never want that again. It was so boring.

DH and I make an effort to have sex and connect with each other and I wouldn't want to be without that. You need to communicate about it otherwise it will just remain the same.

TheLazyBeagle · 25/01/2022 17:02

[quote CupOfNiceTea]@TheLazyBeagle

You came off really condescending and dismissive.
I didn’t put any thought on your sex life, I’m only reffering what you said to me personally.[/quote]
You said sex was shallow and unimportant. I said it’s not, to me, and that I like sex. Nothing controversial about that, I was just sharing an opinion like everyone else on Theo thread. Genuinely don’t care what you choose to do.

TheEarlOfTosside · 25/01/2022 17:06

[quote CupOfNiceTea]@TheLazyBeagle

You came off really condescending and dismissive.
I didn’t put any thought on your sex life, I’m only reffering what you said to me personally.[/quote]
Whilst I appreciate this is the internet and often the written text does not convey the emotional intent of the author....

As an outsider I read your early posts as being dismissive of other views and condescending.. "Yes, I know. I don’t need your approval." didn't really seem warranted but maybe it wasn't meant with attitude I read it with.

I feel that acceptance that we are all different and may want something different is essential and to have a relationship you need to work through the differences and reach an agreement or share the same views.

CupOfNiceTea · 25/01/2022 17:17

All I’ve done is answer op question, I assumed all views were allowed, not just echo chamber.

@TheLazyBeagle
Gave a dissmissive ”and that’s fine….” nonsense, I’m used to it. It’s quite taboo not liking sex.
But I really don’t need that crap here.

TheLazyBeagle · 25/01/2022 17:20

@CupOfNiceTea

All I’ve done is answer op question, I assumed all views were allowed, not just echo chamber.

@TheLazyBeagle
Gave a dissmissive ”and that’s fine….” nonsense, I’m used to it. It’s quite taboo not liking sex.
But I really don’t need that crap here.

It wasn’t dismissive at all. As you have stated yourself, not liking sex isn’t the norm and thinking that someone wanting sex with you must hate you isn’t a commonly held view. I was just acknowledging that and saying that anyone’s preferences are completely fine if both parties are on the same page. I’m not the only person on this thread to express a similar sentiment. I don’t know how it has caused offence but it obviously has, so I’m sorry. As I said above, I don’t care what you do with your body.

TheLazyBeagle · 25/01/2022 17:22

What would have been a more favoured response, if you don’t mind me asking? You said I was ‘dismissive’, so would you have preferred me to show more interest/probe further?

Holly60 · 25/01/2022 17:23

It definitely matters to me. And I speak as someone whose sex drive is lower than partners. He often has to persuade me that I will actually enjoy it (I always do) 😂. But the thought of us not actually having sex is horrible. Would really miss that connection and feeling desirable etc.

Catullus5 · 25/01/2022 17:46

It often said that men need sex to feel loved and women need to feel loved to have sex, the former is certainly true for me.

Is it? I'm male, mid-40s and no way do I want to have sex with DW if we're getting on badly. I'm not interested in sex with anyone else either. I would run a mile from a physical affair, the idea of a FWB perplexes me. I must have a good emotional bond to want sex.

I believe that many if not most men don't fit the stereotype.

Anothernick · 25/01/2022 18:00

@Catullus5

It often said that men need sex to feel loved and women need to feel loved to have sex, the former is certainly true for me.

Is it? I'm male, mid-40s and no way do I want to have sex with DW if we're getting on badly. I'm not interested in sex with anyone else either. I would run a mile from a physical affair, the idea of a FWB perplexes me. I must have a good emotional bond to want sex.

I believe that many if not most men don't fit the stereotype.

For us the sexual attraction has always been there even if we were getting on badly in other ways. I can remember one surreal occasion on which we discussed the possibility of splitting up whilst in bed doing the deed and we generally have sex to make up after an argument.

Elsiebear90 · 25/01/2022 18:01

I go through phases of really wanting it and other phases of not being fussed at all. I’ve always felt sex was overrated since I first started having it, before anyone starts, please don’t give me the usual condescending crap of “it’s because you haven’t had sex with the right person” I’ve had numerous sexual partners and I orgasm every single time I have sex with my fiancée, I’ve just never really understood society’s obsession with sex. I think it could be because I have endometriosis so penetration has been almost always painful in some way for me, which despite being a lesbian, was a huge blow as there’s lots of things I really want to do that I can’t.

However, when I have sex we do other things that feel nice and I do always enjoy it, but I don’t need it to feel close to a partner, there’s lots of physical and emotional intimacy in our relationship without sex, and I hardly ever crave it, my fiancée is the same, if not even less interested than I am.

If you’re both happy with not having sex or having it infrequently then there’s no issue, but if one partner is very unhappy I don’t see how the relationship can last long term.

CupOfNiceTea · 25/01/2022 18:49

@TheLazyBeagle

You didn’t have to say anything at all.
There’s nothing wrong or unusual with not wanting/liking sex.
I didn’t take anyone’s comment and made a personal comment on it.

All I did was answer op, would have liked to be left in peace.
It wasn’t an invitation to be rude.

No need to keep saying I’m offended, since I’m not.
I really don’t care how much you may love sex.