How much DOES sex actually matter in a LTR?

[Tailsandsnails]

Does it matter and would you really end things if there were no sex but children involved?
My husband and I do not have sex, it’s now been 6 years - nearly 7 - it is unlikely to change.
But with three children how much does this matter?
Would you really leave in these circumstances?

@SunshineInMyTea

I can’t imagine ever getting into a relationship where I’d had to have sex. I do know I’m minority, but I find sex absolute repulsive. And I wouldn’t be with someone who forces me to have it.

Wow that’s a sad view to have

Yes I'd leave over this. Obviously if he was ill etc then I would be understanding. But in the circumstances of never or very rarely, then no, that's not my idea of a relationship. People deserve to be happy regardless of wether there are children involved and kids benefit from having happy parents too.

Yep its important to me, no sex means no connection for me. Lifes too short and i cant imagine wasting my time in a sexless passionless marriage, id be miserable.

It wouldn’t bother me at all, sounds good to me. But that’s not the point, if it bothers you, you need to do something about it. It doesn’t matter about anyone else!

Its important to me and my DH because we bloody love it even after 40 years.

Come on. To the poster who said sex is meaningless. Of course it isn't. It has a significant meaning to humans. It is the human connection that results in the continuation of our species.

I am 42, DP is 35. There is no way I would not have sex for 7 years without discussing it with him. I have 3DC and I am in a chemical menopause due to endo and I still make the effort with our sex life. I wouldn't want a relationship which lacked the unique connection that sex brings. Without going TMI - there is a part of sex that is so intimate you don't find it in any other part of life. It is that unique experience of sex that makes it meaningful, you don't do it with anyone else but your partner. The vulnerability, physical and emotional exchange and pleasure involved bonds you together. After very negative, non consensual experiences of sex it is completely different with your partner. No way would I reject that experience in my relationship.

@Tailsandsnails

I’m 36. DH is 42.

I am 58 and husband is 64. It still matters and I would be very sad to see that aspect of our marriage gone. We aren't exactly swinging from the chandeliers, but I love the intimacy and closeness that sex provides.

Having said that, if both sides are genuinely happy with no sex then who am I to judge.

It's not the sex that's the issue, it's whether you agree on the regularity of sex or not.

Me and DP can take it or leave it, might have sex a couple of times a year. It's nice when it happens, but neither of us really pushes for it at other times. But we always fall asleep cuddling, and are best friends in every other respect.

I think it depends on how happy, and I mean genuinely happy, both parties are with the lack of sex.

Pky45 Glad to know I'm not alone, although I wouldn't really wish this on anyone.

I'm in the same situation (not for as long but...a bloody long time) due to my partner's health issues, ED and lack of libido. We're trying to get it sorted but I don't honestly know if we will after almost two years without any sex. It's tricky, I love him and I'm committed to our life and our family, but it's far from ideal. I don't think it means we're 'just' friends, we do feel like partners. Maybe that is a friendship but it doesn't have a lesser status for me if that makes sense.

Longer term though if there's no change at all I feel I might be open to having a discreet fling. It would have to be years (more) though and I wouldn't actively go looking. I just think that if there's a spark with someone in the future, there's no reason I should live the rest of my life celibate, or else destroy my family when we're otherwise very happy and committed. I don't know when or even if I would cross that line - it's not like sex is a physical necessity but my sexuality is a fundamental part of me and it's a part of life that I would like to experience again properly.

I would feel guilty though. I know posters on mumsnet tend to be judgemental about this scenario but IMO it's just one of those complicated life situations. Not everyone wants to blow up their lives over lack of sex but at the same time the desire doesn't go away.

@Loveismyfoodanddrink

I'm in the same situation (not for as long but...a bloody long time) due to my partner's health issues, ED and lack of libido. We're trying to get it sorted but I don't honestly know if we will after almost two years without any sex. It's tricky, I love him and I'm committed to our life and our family, but it's far from ideal. I don't think it means we're 'just' friends, we do feel like partners. Maybe that is a friendship but it doesn't have a lesser status for me if that makes sense.

Longer term though if there's no change at all I feel I might be open to having a discreet fling. It would have to be years (more) though and I wouldn't actively go looking. I just think that if there's a spark with someone in the future, there's no reason I should live the rest of my life celibate, or else destroy my family when we're otherwise very happy and committed. I don't know when or even if I would cross that line - it's not like sex is a physical necessity but my sexuality is a fundamental part of me and it's a part of life that I would like to experience again properly.

I would feel guilty though. I know posters on mumsnet tend to be judgemental about this scenario but IMO it's just one of those complicated life situations. Not everyone wants to blow up their lives over lack of sex but at the same time the desire doesn't go away.

So true! I'm the same. Loathe to seek anything out, but as more time passes, I could totally see a scenario whereby I fell in to something inappropriate, if all the stars aligned. I'm not dead below the waist, FFS.

I'm fed up of being fed up, as well! Like today, I have what should be a nice day ahead of me. I'm working from home, but it's a slow day, and I'd like to get some house jobs done, have a nice lunch, potter about and feel happy, but, because we rowed about this last night, I feel completely shitty today. Moody, unwanted, undesired, ugly (I'm not!) I need to snap out of it. But it's hard! I want to shake him, and scream "Why the fuck are you doing this to us?! We've got all these plans for early retirement that you're stuffing up by being frigid" Ahhhhh

If both are happy to carry on in a sexless marriage there should not problem. Quite often people chose not to split the family and remain together. Once kids leave to university is when you really know if you are ok to carry on or split up.

I would be ok with this as sex is just a physical act to me. I don’t bond or feel closer to someone because of/during sex. I bond more from being affectionate, sharing experiences, communicating. I usually do it because most men want to- I have never met a man that hasn’t and wonder about where all these men are that aren’t interested as I never can find one.

But it's hard! I want to shake him, and scream "Why the fuck are you doing this to us?!

Yes, can definitely relate to this. I have occasional bursts of anger and resentment which I kind of accept as par for the course - even though logically I don't blame him, part of me still resents it and that can bubble up at times. I don't express that to him but I can't deny it's there sometimes.

@Lolamento

If both are happy to carry on in a sexless marriage there should not problem. Quite often people chose not to split the family and remain together. Once kids leave to university is when you really know if you are ok to carry on or split up.

Agree with those who say if sex is not important for either person then that is fine. But the word here is agree as that means a conversation has been had. I am sure there are couples who cannot have sex for health or other reasons and although one person still wants to they agree to stay together despite the absence. Again perhaps a conversation and understanding had been reached.

Where no-one is talking about it or one person is being made to feel guilty for wanting or not wanting sex (frigid, sex pest) then there is a huge problem. I don't know any good relationships where Important stuff that cause pain is never spoken of.

If DW and I can solve it for us then I hope it will strengthen and be part of saving out marriage. If we cannot solve it, if DW has the 'Ick' for me or has no sexual desire or want or ability to rekindle it. then I'm not sure. To leave would hurt her hugely. To stay I would be hurt. She's the better person than me, maybe I just suck it up. At least we are talking about it.

Anothernick

"It often said that men need sex to feel loved"

And yet so so many men can have sex without any kind of love (for them or the other person) being in any way a thing.......

No wonder you don't see him in that way - you both seem to have decided that you don't want sex anymore and now the sheer gap of being intimate with him is making you feel even more platonic about him. Did you ever enjoy having sex? I understand that carnal lust is difficult when you're stressed, tired and have kids, but didn't you miss the intimate bonding aspect of it?

Open marriage is the way forward for a lot of us. Intimacy can be regained in the communication you have as you wrestle with the emotional challenge of opening it up & realising that a lot of what you have been told about love is limiting and not necessarily right. And who knows, you might come to fancy each other again, as well, as others, through that process.

@bubblesbubbles11

Anothernick

"It often said that men need sex to feel loved"

And yet so so many men can have sex without any kind of love (for them or the other person) being in any way a thing.......

I am female, and I feel that I need sex to be loved. Without it, I'm feeling quite neglected and invisible. And it's not just that. My DH knows how unhappy I am with the lack of sex. And yet he does nothing to change things. So, I end up feeling hurt, that he seems okay with hurting me, if that makes sense?

We spent at least 30 minutes arguing last night (in bed) about our lack of sex life, whereas we could have done the deed in less time.

I don't want to ruminate over all the little reasons why our sex life isn't happening. Fuck off with the hand wringing and excuses. I'm not Dr Phil. I just want a quick shag and then to go to sleep.

Sounds tough @BlondeDogLady

I was in a similar position with my ex. It just ate away at me over a 10 year period to the point where I felt unloveable. I brought it to a head and he came out with “I don’t fancy you anymore and haven’t done for some time. I do still love you but I don’t want to have sex with you anymore”

Basically he put the decision on me. Due to my low self confidence by this time I chose to stay and we moved into separate bedrooms as I couldn’t stand the torture any more (I was mid 40’s). However this was even more lonely to the point where I began to question my life and what was the point of it. I stayed another 2 years but then when my child went to college I decided to leave. For 3 years I was on my own as I was in the gutter in terms of my self esteem and couldn’t stand the thought of more rejection so I shied away from dating. I then met someone and we have sex but I still have insecurities that this will stop. The whole experience completely messed me up as a person.

My ex on the other hand had moved on within 2 months so I presume he did have a sex drive, just not one that he wanted to share with me!

I’d get out if I were you as it will just get worse not better. We went from twice a week, to twice a month, to once a month to once every 3 months to twice a year to special occasions to when we were completely pissed to nothing over the 10 year period. Heartbreaking

Totally empathise @BlondeDogLady!!

I think it’s particularly hard as a woman facing this, as nearly all of my friends complain about their lust-filled husbands 😭 I’d love to be desired like that.

After many many years of rejection (we’re mid-40’s, together 25 years, attractive and both healthy)… I’ve friend-zoned my husband. I think of him almost as a nice cousin. All his own doing.

I know he’s attractive, he makes me laugh, I feel zero desire for him now though. It’s like the ick. I always get dressed and shower in private and the idea of being intimate with him ever again makes me shudder. I don’t think I could entertain the idea now 😂

Which is weird, as for many many years I tried to instigate sex and he was nearly always tired/stressed/unwell/reading blah. It erodes your sense of value and attractiveness.

He always loves cuddles though, always wants to hold hands and our 3 DC always see us touching and interacting. So I don’t worry about them growing up with cold parents etc and learning bad examples.

None of our friends would ever guess that we don’t have a normal relationship and I would never mention it as I actually feel embarrassed that person who is supposed to cherish and desire me…doesn’t!!

I might be a beard for him if he’s gay or asexual. Underneath I’m angry at him and also myself, as the issue was kind of there before we even got married.

I won’t leave though and he’d never countenance an open relationship as it would go against his image and ego!!

At some point in the not too distant future I’ll likely indulge elsewhere. I work in a male-dominated field, so opportunities would be plentiful. I don’t feel guilty about it either, as it isn’t cheating someone if it’s something they don’t value or want themselves.

I love our family unit and our home, I’m not going to throw that away.

@Topofthepop

Sounds tough *@BlondeDogLady*

I was in a similar position with my ex. It just ate away at me over a 10 year period to the point where I felt unloveable. I brought it to a head and he came out with “I don’t fancy you anymore and haven’t done for some time. I do still love you but I don’t want to have sex with you anymore”

Basically he put the decision on me. Due to my low self confidence by this time I chose to stay and we moved into separate bedrooms as I couldn’t stand the torture any more (I was mid 40’s). However this was even more lonely to the point where I began to question my life and what was the point of it. I stayed another 2 years but then when my child went to college I decided to leave. For 3 years I was on my own as I was in the gutter in terms of my self esteem and couldn’t stand the thought of more rejection so I shied away from dating. I then met someone and we have sex but I still have insecurities that this will stop. The whole experience completely messed me up as a person.

My ex on the other hand had moved on within 2 months so I presume he did have a sex drive, just not one that he wanted to share with me!

I’d get out if I were you as it will just get worse not better. We went from twice a week, to twice a month, to once a month to once every 3 months to twice a year to special occasions to when we were completely pissed to nothing over the 10 year period. Heartbreaking

Wow, that sounds extremely tough! I am glad you got out!

My DH says the opposite of your Ex. He says he does fancy me, he does want sex, he knows he has to put things right etc. He says all of the right things. However, actions speak louder than words, and there is rarely any action. He falls asleep the moment he gets in to bed, and I am left lying there thinking, there's yet another day gone by without sex.

When we do have sex, he will proclaim afterwards how brilliant it was, apologise profusely for leaving it so long, promises that we will definitely have regular sex from now on. Then several weeks pass until I give him a nudge about the lack of sex. And so the cycle continues.

It's really important to some. I haven't had sex with my husband for 5 days now- nothing's wrong, just life getting in the way- and it's really bugging me.
No way would I last a year. Let alone 6.